Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

But they are partly your responsibility now. You married their father, you accepted a role in their life. How can you just say that it is nothing to do with you?

And as so many other posters have said, are you really happy having a baby with a man who doesn't even seem to think that keeping his children clean is a priority or his responsibility?

So, so many shocking things on this thread...

Who says the care falls just you?

Its not just your responsibility its all of you!

YOU are a parent.

You became one when you got with their dad.

While they are in yours and your DH's house, the care falls to both of you. And if he has any real love for his children, their care while in their mum's house should be his concern too.

Don't you have an ounce of empathy for those kids? Love? Care? A conscience?

It shouldn't have to fall to you to care, but most people naturally would care. Good god - strangers on the internet seem to care about these kids more than you and their own father do. I'm pretty disgusted!

How the hell does he not know where they live or go to school? How does it not come up in normal conversation?

LittleSugaPlum

Because if you had an ounce of compassion, you would surely be DESPERATE to do anything you could help them. I don't know your step-children, but I wish I could help them, if I saw any child in a situation like this I'd want to help them. In an ideal world, their mum and your DH would take responsibility, but it's beyond my understanding that anyone can see what you've described and not be heartbroken for the children and doing everything in their power to help.

I am stunned as a pregnant woman you haven't got more care tbh. Good God, i care and I don't even know them!

I spoke to DH last night about all this and his response was that it takes two to parent, and if parents arent doing the same thing then its impossible.

I dont like keep getting at him all the time about the kids, as i know it upsets him.

Their grandparents are very close to their daughter so i dont think that they think that the children are in a bad way.

Until recently I wouldn't have believed that children of this age wouldn't know what school they go to but my DSis has come into contact with a very chaotic family where the children were such poor attenders that they didn't know the name of the school.

Sadly there do seem to be pointers to these children being neglected. What on Earth are they eating at home that means that their poo smells so bad after several hours and blocks toilets? I'd be very concerned about that.

OP - whether he likes in or not your DH needs to step up for these children, it's hardly rocket science to make sure they only use one toliet and to check it's been flushed. Being a parent esp. for a day a weel isn't going to be all about the fun stuff. He needs to take responsibility.

The shoes thing I think you're over reacting about, but the toilet issue yanbu. My DS still forgets to flush (and will argue until he's blue in the face that you're not supposed to flush after a pee) but he's 5. By 8 and 10 they should be doing these things without being told.

Why don't you like to upset him OP?

And it's utter bollox what he said btw, you know that, right?

"I spoke to DH last night about all this and his response was that it takes two to parent, and if parents arent doing the same thing then its impossible"

Great, so according to him, it takes two and if one isnt doing it, the other shouldnt either... way to fucking go!

"I dont like keep getting at him all the time about the kids, as i know it upsets him"

so why doesnt he actually get his finger out and do something about it then?

"Their grandparents are very close to their daughter so i dont think that they think that the children are in a bad way."

They are probably just as bad as everyone else involved in this sorry saga

they eat alot of smash, cereal, toast, noodles (those packet ones), soup, pizza, chicken nuggets that sort of thing

You don't like getting at him all the time about the kids because it upsets him?! Yeah it bloody well should!

You are a parent to them, you have been since you married their Dad. Now get with the program, quick smart. Start caring, before someone starts asking questions as to why no one seems to care about these children.

What the eat would be the least of my worries tbh.

Oh my god, woman get a fucking grip! You married a man with children, unless you are totally oblivious I'm assuming you knew this!! So yes 50% responsibility falls on your arse!!! Same as when you have your baby it will be 50% your responsibility, get a bloody grip girl!!!! I suggest you grow up and do it quickly!

Why the bloody hell shouldn't it fall on you?

You are their step mother. The clue is in the title.

How did you ever ever get a job in childcare?

I think what they are eating is fairly low on the list of priorities, by the sounds of things. Get in touch with their school, speak to someone about the state of these children.

Anyone that has such little care for children they are related to should not be employed in child care full stop. God only knows how little you care about you are only employed to care for.

Or do you care for them better because you are being paid.

i feel like i get on his case all the time about them.

He sticks up for them all the time, if they havent done something and i call them back, he ll jump to their defense saying they forgot thats all.

I feel like im constantly critising his kids to him, so i try not to mention them

You try not to mention his kids?

What does he say about the toilet issue and nits?

My heart goes out to these poor children who are being neglected by the adults in their life. OP, you are just as bad as their parents because you are sitting by and letting it happen.