Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

god almighty OP, and you used to be a nusery nurse????

you do not even sound capable of looking after your own child, certainly not anyone elses.

those poor bloody children.. being failed by everyone around them by the sounds of it..

and at 8 and 10 surely they are capable of telling you their address?

I have to remind ds a hundred times a day to do stuff, I'm not getting at him.

You have an 8 and 10 year old who don't wipe their bottoms, smell of poo, always have stained underwear, regularly have nits. Their father doesn't know where they live or what school they go to.

Doesn't he go to parent's evening? School plays? School fetes? Read their reading book with them out of their school book bag?

Doesn't he CARE that his kids are wandering around stinking of shit and crawling with nits!? That they will more than likely be getting bullied at school over this, or will be in the near future if they aren't already??

It is appalling that he is happy to be "laid back" and let his kids live like this.
It is also appalling that you don't want to act on it either. You are both failing these children!

I don't see either why they can't spend one night a week overnight with you. They could be popped in the bath/shower, clean clothes on, others in the wash, denitted, and then sent home the next morning in their washed clothes they came in. You would both also have the more opportunity to be teaching them good hygiene habits (wiping, flushing, washing their hands).

Surely the Grandparents see all his too?

Surely you told children in your care what to do without telling them off?

Look, that's not good enough. In theory you can of course call them without leaving your name. But it's not really good enough is it? They need to be able to build a case, they need to understand who is making these allegations and how much they really know. They need to understand a big and ongoing picture. You're not reporting your neighbour for drink driving- this could be long term and detailed and ongoing. They will want you to make a statement, maybe even testify. It's very possible your anon "tip off" will be useless to them. You have to help them if you want them to help the children.

OP you sound hopeless!!

They will not be at yours to be de loused and bathed if you let then stay over they will have plenty if time to have fun.

Put your own feelings on the matter aside and sort it out!

All these kids are is an inconvenience to all of you by the sounds of it!

"When would DH get any fun time with them if hes constantly watching them, picking up on everything they do etc"

ffs.. their general health, hygiene and raising them is the important thing, not "fun".. yes fun is great, but neglect is the issue here..

Your DH has to teach them to flush the loo and put shoes away. He needs to remind them each time they visit the loo and when they come in form outside. It's his responsibility.

"When would DH get any fun time with them"

Does he want to spend any time being an actual FATHER to them? It would take less than an hour to have them both have a quick bath or shower and treated with head lice stuff. He would still have time to talk to them, play with them, etc.

His children will either be looking back and seeing a fairweather 'disney' dad who doesn't do any actual parenting, or looking back on a caring involved father who actively took care of them. His choice.

Reward charts, positive attention and praise could be used to teach healthy habits. I'm surprised you need this pointing out to you if you have worked as a nursery nurse.

I honestly cannot believe that this thread is real. Surely nobody is this fucking ignorant and uncaring?? Well, yes I know people are, but I dont think I have ever seen someone so freely admitting it, without even being aware of how fucking clueless they sound.

OP Yes! If needs be, they will be coming to your house to get clean and de loused! Poor bloody kids, who else will do it for them?! If it is as bad as you say it is, frankly I'm shocked you haven't already rang SS.

Its up to DH to do all this.

They are not my responsibility, Its not my fault they are like this, its their parents.

squeaky the OP started a very similar thread quite a few months ago, under a different NN I think.

None of the adults in the kid's lives gave a shit then and they clearly don't give a shit now either.

How they can live with themselves is beyond me, let alone bring another little life into the neglectful mess.

OP, I can understand how stressful this must seem to you, especially as it seems your DH is pretty apathetic to the whole thing, but please, try and see this how the kids will.

In a few years, they are going to look back on this and they will realise how shocking it is. They will know that most people would react like the other posters on this thread, that it seems outwardly like there is obvious neglect going on, that there were obvious problems whatever the specific reasons behind them and they are going to wonder why none of the adults in their lives ever seemed to do much to help. And the chances are good that if you are still with their father, they will ask you both why you didn't help them. Why you let this go on for so long (I don't know how long it's been, but I know it's too long), why you seemed to resent them when all they were doing was crying out for help. How are you going to answer them OP? How is your DH? Are you really going to be able to sit there and say "Oh your mother was hassle. We de-nitted you a few times but you got them back so we gave up."? If you were in their position, would you accept that as okay?

If you call SS anonymously, that's a good start. But IMO, it's not anywhere near enough, somebody has to be pro-active for these children, and start helping them rather than just resenting them, especially for things that are beyond their control (like the nits).

Fuck me, OP. Are you actually concerned? I honestly can't tell. What are you doing with a man that doesn't know where his children live or the name of their school?

Congratulations OP, you've picked a real winner there!

A man who never has his kids overnight, isn't on the birth cerificate, and is quite happy for them to walk round all week dirty and full of nits. He's doing a sterling job and painting the ex as a slovenly slattern to you, whilst doing fuck all to help them.

Let's hope when your kid is born he pulls his finger out and you are not on here in a couple of years time complaining he hardly sees them.

As long as your house is clean though and the loo is flushed.

No it isnt up to your husband to do ALL of this, you muppet. You are their stepmother and have a responsibility too. How can you even bear to be with someone and sit back and watch him neglect his children. It makes you just as fucking bad as him.

They will just look into the children's lives and speak to all parties involved and find the best course of action for them

YOU are their step parent OP

YOU could make a difference to YOUR step children's lives if you wanted to.

How are you going to feel about these 'shit stained, nitty children' holding their newborn brother or sister?

Or will that be the reason you're looking for to stop them visiting completely?

It's NOT all up to DH! You took on the responsibility when you got together with him! Ffs. I'm a stepmum and a bio mum and I'm really shocked at your posts.

worra i ve always had this poster name.

Can i ask why everyone seems to think their care falls on me??

Op how long have you known the children?