DH and I at loggerheads about moving abroad? Don't know where to go from here - help!

[ODearMe]

Hi all
I have posted on here before and here is the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1426300-AIBU-to-take-my-1-year-old-DS-to-the-other-side-of-the-world-to-fulfill-my-husbands-dream

I will try to keep this brief.

DH is 34, I am 31 and we have a 19 month old DS. I have been with DH for 13 years - married for 2.

DH has a dream to do something different in his life by moving to Oz and I had initially agreed to go through with it at SOME POINT in our lives. I then got pregnant and I think DH panicked about this never happening as we were now a family, and he started to get heavy about moving to Oz and did not stop going on about it - every day.

When DS was born, I was at my most vulnerable like many of us are, and although DH was happy with becoming a daddy to our little boy, there was an undercurrent that he was just so unhappy. There was/is often an atmosphere around the house, really oppressive to live in. The atmosphere boils down to the simple fact that he does not want to be in this country living the mundane - he would rather be living his dream (with us) in Oz.

In my desperation to get him out of his moodiness, I reluctantly agreed to a compromise of going there for 2 years. So, DH started the ball rolling with the VISA application.

As time went on, DH's DF was diagnosed with cancer (who I am close to), I went back to work part time - and the reality of moving abroad started weighing me down. With everything going on, it felt a huge mistake the more I thought about it and I started to feel quite depressed. Tried to talk to DH about how I felt and was met with the response 'there is nothing more to talk about - we are going around in circles', and 'oh, we are not going then are we?!' I was taken aback as this is a huge decision and I should be able to talk about it until I am blue in the face. It got to the point where it started to feel like I was being forced into it, so I really did change my mind. I even wrote him a letter high-lighting this to him and to try and get through to him. It did seem to work and it cleared the air.

The day after I gave him the letter, our VISA was rejected! It did not occur to me this would happen, and I cannot tell you the huge relief I felt as the decision was taken out of our hands. However, instead of accepting we were not welcome, DH proceeded to challenge the assessor, and our agent has also suggested i send in my CV. I have refused to do so.

DH is very cross and says I have changed my mind and I have let him down. He says I should just send it off to see what happens. I tell him, what is the point? I do not want to go! Can he not just accept we didn't get in?! I have considered sending it off just to exhaust all options but I fear they will take me on and the ball will start rolling again if DH appeals too.

We had a cards on the table chat last night and he said he doesn't want to be in this country for the rest of his life. He says I just want to stay here forever with my mum and friends (with a sneer). I am not kidding you, we have a fantastic life and are so privileged to have wonderful family and friends, and I am so happy here. I really have no reason to move. I am concerned DH wants to go even though his DF is ill; DH is naive to think that because the tumour has gone, he is cured! He hears what he wants to hear IYSWIM.

I am concerned that if I do compromise and go for 2 years as agreed that DH will want to stay and then I will be trapped (you cannot take your child out of OZ without other parent's consent or it is seen as child abduction). It is unrealistic this would happen but it is a risk I am not willing to take.

We are at loggerheads as he wants to go as much as I want to stay and neither will back down.

Sorry this has gone on, there is more to it but it will go on forever but what I really want to know is:

1. AIBU for changing my mind. I know I should have been strong enough t say no in the first place but I wasn't.
2. What do i do about this situation? WWYD?

FYI - DH is quite a head in the clouds character and is always looking at the 'next thing' so I know that even if we uproot ourselves for him, there will always be 'the next thing'.

Thanks for reading.

Remember the thread, and still think your dh is being massively unreasonable.

Why is he still making your life difficult and being a miserable git because you won't disrupt everything to do what he wants?

And clearly he's not what australia want, or they would've accepted his visa application.

I would insist on counselling to resolve the issue. If he refuses he isn't a great bet for a future partner.

I have been out of the uk now for ten years. I have two DDs and would dearly love to take them back home but I am trapped! I can't take them with me and I could never leave without them so I stay! If it's not your dream as well as his it will never be what you want. Living away from family support is incredibly difficult. Stay where you are!

I don't think I'd risk it if things are on rocky ground, especially with the implications of custody.

^^

This. Best advice.
My very close friend capitulated to the demands of her man-child husband and very reluctantly went to Australia. The marriage ended 2 years later and she cannot leave. She is a single mother to three girls, working full-time, the other side of the world.

Please don't think Devon is all outdoors fun. I have returned after 15 yrs in the south east (forced as dps job is here for 2 yrs).

I cant find a job so we are skint and my town is horrible. Old people and chavs. I am so homesick.

Tell him to bugger off over there on his own if he likes it that much and make sure he knows you mean it. He sounds like an immature manchild and my feeling is that whatever you do will never be enough so you might as well do what you want.

My DF lives in Australia, he went there when he was young and has been married to two Australian women (not at the same time obviously ) and has Australian children. He is very wealthy because he went there at the time it was possible to make a lot of money in his industry and when housing was still cheap. He constantly tells me how wonderful Australia is but he still supports English sporting teams, is more knowledgeable about UK news and current affairs than me, never watches anything but BBC programmes and constantly has his radio tuned to BBC radio stations. He is very homesick but he would rather die than admit it and has no way of ever coming back now anyway.

'So, either one of you needs to give in, or you both need to come to some sort of compromise. It matters not, really, whether you think he's a fantasist or immature, or that he thinks you are a boring stick in the mud with a pathological fear of change.

You either come to an agreement and stick to it, or you don't. Do you think there is any way you can both work through this? It doesn't matter how many people on the Internet think he is being unreasonable, really. It's unlikely to change his mind.'

See, that's the thing about this person, madwoman, in the context of other threads. He isn't about compromise. It's his way or the highway, hence, his visa app was rejected and now he wants her to put forward for one, even though he knows she doesn't want to go. And all his other past crap.

This is a person who functions in the future, not contented with the here and now. The here and now is not enough. When it arrives, he's continually dissatisfied with it.

There's no placating a person like this. So you either ride the wave with them or get off the boat and swim for the shore.

By all means, suggest valid compromises, but be prepared, these might never be enough.

We had a chat about the situation again last night. I explained how miserable the whole thing was making me feel. He did yield slightly, and said he thought we had missed the boat anyway, that we should have done it a couple of years ago, instead of now, as it is way too expensive a place to live. He said he thought we would get in, but did not want to throw any more money at the application etc. He said we are not going.

I told him this did not make me feel at all better because I didn't want to go through life with him punishing me about it.

He said he wouldn't, and that he was just going to go to Oz for a holiday in Spring to see his sister (who lives in Melbourne). He said he also needs to find another job - his current one is making him unfulfilled. I suggested him re-training again, in a role more matched to his personality.

I asked him again, was the issue us? He said no, he loves me and DS so much and it melts his heart when he sees us together.

So, we kissed and made up. But I hope it does not rear its ugly head again in the near future...

Thank you all wise owls for your support, it is like having lots of friends in a box.

Sounds like progress has made there Op.
Will you all go to Oz on holiday?

That's good that you have had a chat and that he seems to have been reasonable. How about planning a treat for the weekend too, have some fun together. I bet you are feeling a lot more relaxed.

My DH has a bit of wanderlust and we have had two adventures, both of them were (his) secondments, one to the US and the other to Asia.

I was reluctant about both of them tbh, but because they were temporary I did go along with them, and had a really interesting time.

BUT BUT, your DH wants to try to make a permanent move. You don't want to. He hasn't been accepted in Oz. It's not going to happen. He has to try to find a way to meet his needs without the Oz experience.

Does he really think that the only way to escape is by going to Australia?? As others have said, an outdoor life can be achieved in Cornwall, Cumbria, Shetlands, many bits of Europe, etc etc.

Yes, progress has been made for the time being.

LadyB - he said HE would go to Oz, he didn't say the family. Do you think this is unreasonable? He is also going to Vegas in March on stag foo!

Fancybread - that is a nice thing to suggest. On the whole, we really don't do badly at all regarding our social lives anyway. We are going to a ball this weekend so that is something to look forward to (6oth birthday celebration).

FuddyDuddy - You are right, he is talking of a temporary move but I know the idea is to settle us into the way of life so it is more of an upheaval to come home. He needs to get a new job and appreciate what he has more.

He has family in oz?

It isn't unheard of for one sibling to make the move and the rest to follow. How long has she been there?

I went on holiday with my friends (for a friend's wedding) last year without my husband.. but we don't have a child.. and I didn't also go to vegas... seems quite a lot of money! But hey if you have it, and you don't holding the baby as it were, why not.

could u not both try oz for a few months to see how it goes

I know some have said similar but will add my two cents.

1. any issues with him having his head in the clouds dreaming will not change just because your location has changed. Can you actually imagine him saying "yeah, this is it, now I'm happy"? Or is it more likely to be "okay NOW what do we do/ where do we go?"

2. the life of an expat is lonely, at least to start, especially if you have no family or friends in the country you've decided on. I've lived overseas (am from the US originally) almost 10 years now. I've lived in our current location (UK) almost 6 years and have only now developed a good group of friends. Most of these friends were made through various child-related and volunteering activities.

If you have family and friends nearby to support you, and you're very happy with that lot in life, you will NOT be happy on the other side of the world. You will resent him ripping you away from that. But you know that.

3. having a child makes things a million times more complicated.

The only thing I can think is that he will probably become bored within months of moving there, so his timeline of coming back in 2 years is probably not incorrect. :)

I've lived in Australia. I've lived in the UK. Does he think that real life in the UK is easily summed up by castles and gentlemen in bowler hats and cricket and whatever other stereotypes you can dream up? I suspect not. Life in Australia is not all surfing and BBQs and whatever else people think of it. It's just your current everyday life, with more sun, and fewer friends.

He won't understand this, though. :(

ah I see updates now, nvm. Though my comment still stands, it sounds less applicable to what's happening now. :)

HE is going on holiday to Oz and Vegas

Clever bit of game-playing there: after his long campaign re emigrating the two holidays are presented as a minor concession / a given, deliberately making it difficult for you to object.

And yes, of course it would be unreasonable of him to go on two expensive, long-haul holidays, unless (believe this is the MN consensus) the family money/annual leave/childcare arrangements can cover it and you could do likewise (or you all have a nice family holiday in addition) should you wish to do so.

He has a history of plenty of holidays alone, Dozer.

Where are you going as a family? Is this drop in the ocean type money to your family? If so, I don't see it as a particularly big deal - but if it means that you can't travel as a family, or plan a trip yourself, then it would seem a tad U.

Ach, then, yep, the op has bigger issues than whether or not to try Oz. as promised.