DH and I at loggerheads about moving abroad? Don't know where to go from here - help!

[ODearMe]

Hi all
I have posted on here before and here is the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1426300-AIBU-to-take-my-1-year-old-DS-to-the-other-side-of-the-world-to-fulfill-my-husbands-dream

I will try to keep this brief.

DH is 34, I am 31 and we have a 19 month old DS. I have been with DH for 13 years - married for 2.

DH has a dream to do something different in his life by moving to Oz and I had initially agreed to go through with it at SOME POINT in our lives. I then got pregnant and I think DH panicked about this never happening as we were now a family, and he started to get heavy about moving to Oz and did not stop going on about it - every day.

When DS was born, I was at my most vulnerable like many of us are, and although DH was happy with becoming a daddy to our little boy, there was an undercurrent that he was just so unhappy. There was/is often an atmosphere around the house, really oppressive to live in. The atmosphere boils down to the simple fact that he does not want to be in this country living the mundane - he would rather be living his dream (with us) in Oz.

In my desperation to get him out of his moodiness, I reluctantly agreed to a compromise of going there for 2 years. So, DH started the ball rolling with the VISA application.

As time went on, DH's DF was diagnosed with cancer (who I am close to), I went back to work part time - and the reality of moving abroad started weighing me down. With everything going on, it felt a huge mistake the more I thought about it and I started to feel quite depressed. Tried to talk to DH about how I felt and was met with the response 'there is nothing more to talk about - we are going around in circles', and 'oh, we are not going then are we?!' I was taken aback as this is a huge decision and I should be able to talk about it until I am blue in the face. It got to the point where it started to feel like I was being forced into it, so I really did change my mind. I even wrote him a letter high-lighting this to him and to try and get through to him. It did seem to work and it cleared the air.

The day after I gave him the letter, our VISA was rejected! It did not occur to me this would happen, and I cannot tell you the huge relief I felt as the decision was taken out of our hands. However, instead of accepting we were not welcome, DH proceeded to challenge the assessor, and our agent has also suggested i send in my CV. I have refused to do so.

DH is very cross and says I have changed my mind and I have let him down. He says I should just send it off to see what happens. I tell him, what is the point? I do not want to go! Can he not just accept we didn't get in?! I have considered sending it off just to exhaust all options but I fear they will take me on and the ball will start rolling again if DH appeals too.

We had a cards on the table chat last night and he said he doesn't want to be in this country for the rest of his life. He says I just want to stay here forever with my mum and friends (with a sneer). I am not kidding you, we have a fantastic life and are so privileged to have wonderful family and friends, and I am so happy here. I really have no reason to move. I am concerned DH wants to go even though his DF is ill; DH is naive to think that because the tumour has gone, he is cured! He hears what he wants to hear IYSWIM.

I am concerned that if I do compromise and go for 2 years as agreed that DH will want to stay and then I will be trapped (you cannot take your child out of OZ without other parent's consent or it is seen as child abduction). It is unrealistic this would happen but it is a risk I am not willing to take.

We are at loggerheads as he wants to go as much as I want to stay and neither will back down.

Sorry this has gone on, there is more to it but it will go on forever but what I really want to know is:

1. AIBU for changing my mind. I know I should have been strong enough t say no in the first place but I wasn't.
2. What do i do about this situation? WWYD?

FYI - DH is quite a head in the clouds character and is always looking at the 'next thing' so I know that even if we uproot ourselves for him, there will always be 'the next thing'.

Thanks for reading.

OP I sympathise. I actually DID move to Oz because my DH wanted it so badly....even though I didn't want to. I was there a year and hated it.

I did find some joy..but the weather was awful..far too hot to go outside at midday...so all the tales of the outdoor life never seemed realistic.

It WAS expensive....and the shops had such odd things that I hated shopping and found the suburbs so lonely.

We came back but my DH still goes on about having another try. A friend of mine...her Dad left her Mum when she was about ten so he could live in Oz....its a big thing...not something I would do again.

I can see why you wouldn't want to take the chance of an appeal being successful. I think you are going to have to be firm with him, sit him down and tell him enough is enough, the visa has been rejected, let's try and move on. I guess you really need to tell him exactly how you feel and stick to it. Good luck

Send off your cv or whatever It is he wants you to do. The chances are you'll be turned down again and in the meantime it will keep him sweet :-). Personally I think you should at least try it. You only regret what you haven't done and you can always come back. As for custody just book at flight for you both without telling him if it comes to that. I can see why your dh is disappointed to be honest, you said you would try for 2 years and have now changed your mind. Obviously your perfectly entitled to do so, but you must be able to see it from his point of view too?

as for custody just book a flight for you both without telling him if it comes to that

Is the worst advice I have read on here all week!

Good luck OP.

Bigwheel if the OP isn't the type to relocate, then it's of no use whatsoever telling her to "try it"....

You only regret what you haven't done

Bullshit. Many people's biggest regrets are things they have done i.e. pandering to a petulant fantasist who is unable to compromise.

I dont' understand all those people on 'wanted down under' who feel they have to move to the other side of the world to change their lives, there are plenty of ways to live a different lifestyle in this country - i know people who teach mountain biking for a living (quite a few), people who surf before work, people who are artists, people who ski everyday in winter, who run crofts and sell organic veg - it's all possible, and i live in scotland!

If you go to australia does your dh know he'll still be the same person, just in a different place? How is he going to make his 'new life' so different from his current one?

Bigwheel Op has offered all sorts of compromises, her DH doesn't seem to have any, it's all or nothing.
His outdoorsy things are fishing, go karting and mountain biking but the poor lamb doesn't like them in the rain.
And they seem to travel extensively anyway.
And he can't get a visa. But she is expected to apply for herself and him seven though she doesn't want to go?
I've looked up a couple of your old threads Op and you seem very adventurous - Everest base camp and world travel. Did he ever do Kilimanjaro?

'You only regret what you haven't done '

Bollocks! Most of my entire adult life is proof otherwise.

No he didn't go to Kilimanjaro,the idea fizzled out.

As you can tell Ladyb, he likes doing out there things and gets twitchy if he isn't doing stuff like that all the time. He views going to Oz as a way to accomplish this although he has family in tow. I guess I am just drained with it all and wish he was just content with us. I don't think we are that bad!

'As you can tell Ladyb, he likes doing out there things and gets twitchy if he isn't doing stuff like that all the time. '

Most immature people are like that. Mature adults who have a lovely family like yours are generally quite content and grateful for this and find ways to be adventurous without compromising the lives of everyone they love.

Rofl, maybenow - it's pretty darned obvious you live in Scotland, you'd be hard pressed to find those ways of earning an income and spending leisure time in Milton Keynes, and being able to pay your mortgage.

As for custody just book at flight for you both without telling him if it comes to that.

You realise that's against international law, right? International parental abduction is not a joke.

OP is there somewhere you would be interested in moving to?

Good question Hopandaskip. I do really love the area in which we live so somewhere around here. Or I wouldn't mind moving to Cardiff - we both know and enjoyed the area - I went to uni there. Would go to Devon. Further afield, would consider Majorca - I love Majorca and it isn't too far away, could jump on a plane to come home whenever.

I will say that mountain biking in the UK is different to Australia, due to the fantastic access we have here. Areas you mention like Devon or Cardiff would all have massive numbers of great routes from the front door. Not quite the same in Oz,or at least large parts of it where you're surrounded by private land with no public ROW...

Does it really come across as discontent with you and the family? I hope not, that wasn't really mentioned in earlier posts. I thought he was hoping that the move would lead to a better job for him and a better life for the family (true or not, these are decent aims)?

FWIW, I will be the 12th member of my family to emigrate, bringing with me the 13th and 14th :) So whilst I recognise some of the comments on the thread it can definitely work out. So your husband isn't deluded, he's got an unhealthy fixation on something at odds with your own desires. Hopefully the visa refusal will sink in and you'll be able to work on a dream together.

Oh, and if you live in the most expensive suburb in the most expensive city in the most expensive country on the continent...... Guess what

You are right about his dream not being unrealistic but more a clash with how I envision my life. I really hope the issue is not that he is discontent with myself, I have asked him, and he reassures me not. [hmmm]

As for custody just book at flight for you both without telling him if it comes to that

There, that's better. Utterly insane advice to give somebody.

Can you immagine how being caught about to abscond with the kids would go down at a future custody hearing ?

We emigrated three years ago. There's a lot of give and take in a relationship, and you both want completely different things. So, either one of you needs to give in, or you both need to come to some sort of compromise. It matters not, really, whether you think he's a fantasist or immature, or that he thinks you are a boring stick in the mud with a pathological fear of change.

You either come to an agreement and stick to it, or you don't. Do you think there is any way you can both work through this? It doesn't matter how many people on the Internet think he is being unreasonable, really. It's unlikely to change his mind.

Does he know how you envision your future? Is he assuming that you want to live in the same place doing the same things forever? Could this be a mid life crisis break for freedom? Did he have a tough time adjusting to family life and is viewing this as a way of readjusting? Sorry for all the questions :(

Could you move somewhere more rural in the UK? Could moving somewhere rural and having a country life in Devon or Cornwall provide something of what he is looking for?

As it is, he can't go to Australia anyway, and as you said, it's his job that would have to provide the visa. If he's been turned down, no changes you make to your own CV are going to make any difference. I agree with Expat that he is being a brat.

I lived in Australia for a long time. Back home now, and there's very little I miss about Australia.

It's NOT the UK with sunshine. It's a different culture. Very suburban, and a lot of the things we might take for granted here just don't exist there: welfare & health systems are not as good as in the UK, & public transport is pretty crap. And the major cities are very expensive. I sold a house in a now trendy inner-city area 10 years ago. I'd need $AU1million to buy it now, and it was a pretty normal 19th century terrace. If you want to live in Sydney, Melbourne, or Perth, think London prices, or living up to 50km from the city centre (as in Sydney) in dull suburbia with few services. Be prepared to drive everywhere.

It's also very hot, and on the east coast in winter, I tend to feel colder than here (and I live in the NE of England) because Australians don't heat their houses.

But what is it that your OH really wants to do in Australia? Maybe I've missed it (thread-skimming) but he doesn't seem to have a concrete plan.

Look, Australia's just like most other places: you take yourself with you wherever you go. If he's sick of his family &feels that you're tying him down, that won't be any different in Australia.

Agree with all that Ladybird says....it IS very suburban...people don't seem to live anywhere other than on the beach (very expensive) or in these HUUUUGEE expanses of suburban nightmare developments...at least in Adelaide they don't!

I was so unhappy in the burbs that I asked DH "Can't we live in the city?" but that wasn't what families "did" apparently....the only places available were tiny flats.

Agree about the welfare thing and the schools are also lacking..lots of kids go private...MUCH cheaper than the UK but basically on a par with our state schools a lot of the time....except for the uber exclusive ones.

There were no buses where we lived and as I can't drive, I walked MILES with a pram while DH was in work....I would be out at 7.00 before it got too hot...then spend the day in the Mall where there was good air con.

It was very lonely.

The beaches....miles of white sand...no palm trees for shade....just sea and sand and ....nothing!

Lots of racism too...shoot me for saying that if you want but it's true. Oz's history with Indigenous people is sickening and they've not even BEGUN to redress the balance.

If you ask me...it's a man's country. Great if you like a barby and a beer and to go fishing and surfing....

Sorry if repeating any other advice but why doesn't he just go for 3 months, why not just let him spread his wings get it out of his system?

• and cardiff is great!