DH and I at loggerheads about moving abroad? Don't know where to go from here - help!

[ODearMe]

Hi all
I have posted on here before and here is the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1426300-AIBU-to-take-my-1-year-old-DS-to-the-other-side-of-the-world-to-fulfill-my-husbands-dream

I will try to keep this brief.

DH is 34, I am 31 and we have a 19 month old DS. I have been with DH for 13 years - married for 2.

DH has a dream to do something different in his life by moving to Oz and I had initially agreed to go through with it at SOME POINT in our lives. I then got pregnant and I think DH panicked about this never happening as we were now a family, and he started to get heavy about moving to Oz and did not stop going on about it - every day.

When DS was born, I was at my most vulnerable like many of us are, and although DH was happy with becoming a daddy to our little boy, there was an undercurrent that he was just so unhappy. There was/is often an atmosphere around the house, really oppressive to live in. The atmosphere boils down to the simple fact that he does not want to be in this country living the mundane - he would rather be living his dream (with us) in Oz.

In my desperation to get him out of his moodiness, I reluctantly agreed to a compromise of going there for 2 years. So, DH started the ball rolling with the VISA application.

As time went on, DH's DF was diagnosed with cancer (who I am close to), I went back to work part time - and the reality of moving abroad started weighing me down. With everything going on, it felt a huge mistake the more I thought about it and I started to feel quite depressed. Tried to talk to DH about how I felt and was met with the response 'there is nothing more to talk about - we are going around in circles', and 'oh, we are not going then are we?!' I was taken aback as this is a huge decision and I should be able to talk about it until I am blue in the face. It got to the point where it started to feel like I was being forced into it, so I really did change my mind. I even wrote him a letter high-lighting this to him and to try and get through to him. It did seem to work and it cleared the air.

The day after I gave him the letter, our VISA was rejected! It did not occur to me this would happen, and I cannot tell you the huge relief I felt as the decision was taken out of our hands. However, instead of accepting we were not welcome, DH proceeded to challenge the assessor, and our agent has also suggested i send in my CV. I have refused to do so.

DH is very cross and says I have changed my mind and I have let him down. He says I should just send it off to see what happens. I tell him, what is the point? I do not want to go! Can he not just accept we didn't get in?! I have considered sending it off just to exhaust all options but I fear they will take me on and the ball will start rolling again if DH appeals too.

We had a cards on the table chat last night and he said he doesn't want to be in this country for the rest of his life. He says I just want to stay here forever with my mum and friends (with a sneer). I am not kidding you, we have a fantastic life and are so privileged to have wonderful family and friends, and I am so happy here. I really have no reason to move. I am concerned DH wants to go even though his DF is ill; DH is naive to think that because the tumour has gone, he is cured! He hears what he wants to hear IYSWIM.

I am concerned that if I do compromise and go for 2 years as agreed that DH will want to stay and then I will be trapped (you cannot take your child out of OZ without other parent's consent or it is seen as child abduction). It is unrealistic this would happen but it is a risk I am not willing to take.

We are at loggerheads as he wants to go as much as I want to stay and neither will back down.

Sorry this has gone on, there is more to it but it will go on forever but what I really want to know is:

1. AIBU for changing my mind. I know I should have been strong enough t say no in the first place but I wasn't.
2. What do i do about this situation? WWYD?

FYI - DH is quite a head in the clouds character and is always looking at the 'next thing' so I know that even if we uproot ourselves for him, there will always be 'the next thing'.

Thanks for reading.

I've often been offered interviews for positions in Australia, and have thought long and hard about the benefits.

We moved to Switzerland instead. We hardly see our family, unless we make the effort to fly home. Or pay for them to fly out. So when you factor in the costs of a family of 4 flying to Oz. Well, it's never going to happen, and rather than the annual sibling meet up, it would be every 5 years. And that's hard.

It is quite hard moving abroad full stop. I know there won't be a language issue, but it's still hard. Finding your support network takes a long time. Having people to rely on, integrating with families, takes time and effort.

What makes it easier here is that DS is in an international bi-lingual school and the parents make an effort together.

But your problems don't go away, infact they get blown up with the extra stress of everything you have to deal with. Our marriage nearly ended. And we've moved 4 times in 4 years with the military. So it wasn't an unexpected hardship for us.

And as someone else says, Friday night I am still buying toilet roll and yogurt in the supermarket. Nothing basic about your life really changes.

And Switzerland is the outdoorsy capital of Europe, no? Alpine mountain walks, skiing on the doorstep, beautiful weather. And am I any healthier because of it? About 10%, because work and washing and shopping and everything else still has to happen.

The life you live on holiday, or touring is not the life you live 24/7. Is he completely aware of this?

I think he'll come up with any way of explaining away any issue that comes up sadly. I don't have the answers for you op, I'm sorry. But if you really don't want it, you need to put your life plan in place.

Wishing you the best with it.

I agree with what many others are saying I've loved in oz, ms, and a few other places besides.

Life out there is great, but it is great in the u.k. too.

I got offered jobs in both countries whilst on a gap year. I decided to return to the UK because you are the same person, whether you are here or there, same issues, hang ups etc. All your problems don't magically vanish in Australia. You bringing them with you, then add a whole load more because you don't have the support network, don't know the system, etc.

It's fab out there, but it won't make his lifeany better. He has to do that now. Before he goes.

Don't know what to suggest op, you ate in a difficult situation but IMO your dh is a bit deluded in his reasons for the move.

Hope you can work something out.

Sorry for spelling, on crappy phone. With a headache.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. I personally am not attracted to Australia in any shape or form and would not want to move there.

However, having read your OP I can also understand where your DH is coming from. You promised him you would go for two years. Now you have changed your mind. That's not fair on him. I honestly think that the right thing to do for your marriage and family, is to go.

I strongly advise you to send your CV in and do everything in your power to help get a VISA. If you are still rejected, great - it wasn't meant to be. But if you don't do this last thing to fulfil the promise you made, your DH will always, rightly, resent it. It will be lethal for your relationship.

For those of you who have said, 'split', I think that's way OTT! Come on, you have agreed to two years. I think you should carry that through and honour what you said.

Hi ODear, I was thinking about you recently and wondering how this had resolved itself.

I'm glad you have stuck to your guns about not going al

Hi ODear, I was thinking about you recently and wondering how this had resolved itself.

I'm glad you have stuck to your guns about not going along with this childish obsession with Australia.

I don't know how you can bear listening to him bellyaching about his life here and how everything will magically improve if he drags you to the other side of the world.

Very simply: DO NOT GO!

1-If you are leaving the UK with some issues outstanding, they will get even bigger when you get there. Moving abroad is only a good idea when the relationship is strong and stable.
2- As you said, once there if you want to go back to the UK, you might find yourself stranded if he doesn't want to/insists of his dc being in Oz too.
3- He is dreaming. The bottom line is that he has an issue with his job not where he is living as such. If he wants to make the move a success, he needs first to be happy in his job here first and then think about moving. Unfortunately, whatever problem he has at the moment, he will take with him. The possibility to be more outdoors etc... will quickly be cancelled by the very long hours, lower salaries (compare to cost of life) etc....
4- The economy in Oz has been booming but this is changing. Nothing is telling you it will still be the case in 1 year time at which point he will be at the same place than he is now.

I think his issue is that he had a dream, this is what has been keeping him going (as in 'I have lots of problems but instead of tackling them head on, I will dream that moving to Oz will solve all my problems, just by magic'). Now that you have a dc, he knows the chances of that happening are getting slim and he is refusing to see the reality for what it is.
Perhaps have a look on the internet to see if you can find stories of people that did make it but it all collapsed when they realized that moving didn't solve any of their problems, just added some on the top of it.

My BIL sounds a bit like your DH - he was always chasing rainbows and thought that moving to another country would sort out all his problems. He went to South Africa without SIL No1, decided to stay permanently and when SIL No1 refused to go, they divorced. Anyway he met SIL No2 in SA, all her support network was there and when they had two young children he decided that SA no longer met his aspirations and forced encouraged SIL No2 to move to Aus. 2 years later they divorced and SIL No2 is stuck in Aus without any support network because she can't leave because of the DNieces .

BTW, yes you did say you were ready to move before having a child.
having a child is a major event in your life and you are allowed to change your mind.

What I am getting is that you said yes to keep the peace and hoping it would never happen as you would settle down but then the enormity of moving there with a child hit and you had to acknowledge for yourself you did NOT want to go.
You haven't lie to him but probably lied to yourself. But you changed your mind which is completely acceptable. So YANBU to refuse to move now.

Right, this is out of the box. If he can get a visa, can you "let him go" for 2 years - and go and visit for a good period during this time. At the end of that, is his trial period and he either wants to stay or come home. And you then get to see whether you want to come home or stay out there.

It sounds like you're at an impasse and he needs to really see the grass isn't greener. It's not a great suggestion for you as it's all about him again, but I can't see another way which isn't going to rip you apart.
By being open about what could happen during either a) a contiuned impasse where you are now or b) a prolonged absence from each other might give some clear indicators of what it is he wants, really. And what you want.

Could you survive financially if he followed this opportunity up - always assuming he can get a visa!

I really feel for you, OP. It sounds like you have both become very entrenched in your positions. Going abroad is tough on the strongest of marriages; I don't think I'd risk it if things are on rocky ground, especially with the implications of custody.

Sometimes in life we just want different things which are incompatible. And sometimes there are deal-breakers. It sounds this way for you; I'm sorry to say.

If your DH has very itchy feet and is fed up with living in the same place he grew up in, he needs to move. Whether Australia is the right destination is another question. But you can forget about staying married to this man happily ever after where you live now - it is not going to happen.

travail I think your idea is a really good idea.
I would advice anyone who wanted to emigrate to have one person going first to 'dip his toes in' get a feel of what is possible or not and then move the whole family over.
That's what my parents did when they decided to move overseas. And it worked really well.
We all moved about 6 months after my dad.

BUT, I can feel that in this case, the OP's husband would not be able to recognize it is not working if that's the case.
And I am not convinced that the OP wants to move to OZ at any point now.

I remember your old thread.

Your husband is an immature dreamer with no sense of reality. He is ruining your marriage with this nonsense.

To be honest, if I were you, I would serve him divorcepapers, you have ample grounds.

It is madness uprooting everybody to follow a dream and go and seek work in a foreign country, where you dont know how anything works, and you have not even visited....

He is not going to back down. And you should not either!

Bonsoir is right. I am like your DH. For me it's not about th grass beng greener its about there being a big old world out there and you oly get one life. The idea of growing up in a villae nd living there my whole life fills me with horror. It strikes me as a very small life and not one I would want. The thing is if you travel, move away for a period etc, you ge a whole mass of experiences and then you return and everyone is still doing all the same things, you wot miss anything.

Scuse typos on ipad

There is an old saying isn't there that says wherever you go you take yourself with you. It sounds like you already understand this but your dh doesn't. In your shoes i would not go, and i wouldn't feel bad about having agreed to give it a go previously either as it sounds like you were clearly pressurised into agreeing, and at least you have tried to find a compromise.

It is hard if one of you has a dream that the other doesn't share, but since you can't both win with this one you need to find a dream that you can both share. I would question how it is a better place for your ds to grow up - there may be benefits but he would also be taken away from his gps and other family - you can never get time back with your loved ones. Like others have said, there are plenty of opportunities for an outdoors lifestyle in this country. Maybe a change is needed, but it needs to be one you can both be happy about - i would expect my dp to want me to be happy too.

Hey ODearMe I'm in Perth WA, and was in a similar situation to yourself.
My dh too, is a dreamer, grass is greener type.
I'm now living in Oz, and am very lonely :( have been here nearly a year, and have met ladies through my sil, but no one as a real friend.
I've been to groups, and most ladies know each other from somewhere, and have been made to feel like an outsider.
There have been some real low points whilst being here. One of them being my dh unwilling to listen to my concerns. Imagine, the only person you can talk to won't listen :(
This all came to a head when I went to see the gp about me being ill with a virus that wouldn't go. My dh wouldn't help me with
the dd's and they were ill. I just sobbed, and sobbed like an idiot, and she asked if I wanted ad. I refused on the grounds of it
being my dh being a cunt, that has made me miserable, and that needed fixing.
All I'm saying is tell him no, as I desperately miss my family and friends in the Uk and then you could be me. I did it so dh wouldn't resent me. I now resent him!
Oh, and btw, it's the same shit here with working, as he works long hours like he did in the UK.

There's not a cat in hell's chance I'd move to anywhere I couldn't take my kids away from by myself. No way.

Some of the most boring people I know living the smallest lives are the ones who think travelling makes them interesting.

How about agreeing to an extended holiday to look and see. Two months if possible. That if you agree to that and still don't want to go that he will have to accept that you have given it a go. It will take some time to save up I'm guessing, make him responsible for that and planning the trip.

I read something in a magazine this morning, apologies for link to Daily Mail, about a British woman who moved to New Zealand with her partner and young daughter, her relationship broke down and the courts insisted that as her daughter was habitually resident in NZ she had to stay there (though the girl's Dad was a NZ citizen in this case). Therefore YANBU in considering the possible future implications if you move and later want to come home.

So true AThing

Oh Longdistance - you sound so sad - please have a hug ((())).

What worries me op. is what if you go and he then wants to move to x, to satisfy another need? You will be forever following him around.