to think we need to do a U turn in our attitudes to disabled mothers?

[airforceone]

I have a daughter. I also have a disability that has left me largely in a wheelchair. The two came together. I never had the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a child despite the disability. People's attitudes seem to soften up when I explain this. I couldn't understand it at all until I read about a recent survey showing that about a quarter of people in the UK think disabled people shouldn't be parents. I thought it was a wind-up at first.

What are people thinking when they see me out and about with my little girl?

It's hard enough to be managing a toddler from a wheelchair. Much harder to think that I'm being judged for having a child at all, by people who will never know that my child receives a much richer experience of life than she would ever have had without a disabled parent.

If a quarter of people are thinking this way, does that mean that every fourth person I meet is privately of the opinion that our family should never have happened? And that we are a drain on the state?

Am I being unreasonable...or are is quarter in the survey?

That's... Terrible I can't believe the percentage of people who hole those views would be so high.

YANBU

People often think it's cruel to have children who may need to play a role in your care - but ffs you could all get hit by a bus tomorrow and end up with care needs

The issue is the lack of support from other with those needs and the lack of support for young carers - not having children when you have a physical or mental 'disability'

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It makes me feel sick the way disabled people are treated in this country and it seems to be getting worse. :(

I'm a single Mum and disabled, DD is my main carer.
The disability didn't happen until DD was 8.

Young Carers have just got funding in my area, they came to see us on Monday to get DD registered, and are coming back to take her out next week to talk to her on her own.
We're both really pleased, as I've been chasing them for over a year.

It's not actually a quarter of the population, its a quarter of the people who answered the survey (which could be a very small number), and there are any number of ways it could be skewed. Plus do you know what the actual question asked was? It could have been phrased in a leading way, or it could be that the reporting on it is just arseways and thats not the actual result at all.

Or there are an awful lot of stupid twats. Either way, just get on with your life, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?

WhatYouLookingAt - Good points. Wish I could find the original survey...

NettOlympicSuperStar - I'm glad for you. At least someone's doing their job right!

You are not being unreasonable. I have had people say it to my face, that people like me shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Yes it does need improving and from all angles.

I have mental health problems. I get raised eyebrows at having two DC. Its ridiculous, as MH doesn't mean bad mother.

In the other direction, I get it from people who when they find out that DS has SN, they ask why I had another child and only seem satisfied when I say he was diagnosed after DC2 was born. But they don't understand that he's always had those problems and even if it had been diagnosed before, we would have had another.

YANBU. Somebody also said this to my face once, that why did I have ds when I was already ill. I was sometimes ill, but undiagnosed and perfectly able to work etc, it's since that I have progressed with this disease. It made me feel so small, and like people were looking down on me for having children at all.

A quarter is a lot, but nothing surprises me, I read an article yesterday claiming that most daily fail readers people believe that 75% of DLA claimants are scroungers. Nice.

I had a fight with my dad as the daily mail (and admittedly his next door neighbour) have twisted his view. He has a blue badge only due to his feet but now thinks anyone who claims is exaggerating and scrounging.

We fight all the time. Whenever we talk about money and government he starts spouting his venom about scroungers ruining the country.

I just can't stand it and always pull him up on it.

I'm feel rather naive now airforceone, I had no idea people thought like this. And hearing that Sammy has had similar views expressed to her face makes me feel ill.

I think the quarter of the survey are BU not you.

"What are people thinking when they see me out and about with my little girl?" My answer would probably be "Yey! Toddler!"

Don't let a few fools ruin your parenting experience, I'm sure most people wouldn't even think about you in the terms expressed in your OP.

My mum gets DLA and ESA because she's too poorly to work. My dad worked hard his entire life and fought for his country. He'll be turning in his grave with how his adored wife of 40 years is being demonised.

I am shocked that anyone holds this view. Shame on them. I think the press should do a big article on this, to raise awareness and to shame people who are particularly ignorant and judgemental.

I am also disabled and have a 4year old and currently 20weeks pregnant. I have had similar said to me.

I have even been told by my own father to abort the baby and hand the kid I have got to someone who is healthy and is not abusing her by being ill and going to hospital regular. (He wont even mention DD name). I've also had "friends" fall out with me in case their child gets my illness or disability it is not contagious . I have also heard people whisper about me when we are out and about and I need to ask DD to pick something up that I have dropped. DP is always with us but if he needs the toilet DD and I wait outside.

I would love to take DD to the park without DP. I've never been out myself for 2years now :(

I am Disabled through the NHS not helping me when I first got diagnosed with my illness.

DP is my full time carer. We have to claim ESA, DLA and Carers Allowance as DP had to quit his job to care for me.

I have not heard of the Survey.

Does the survey differentiate between physical and mental disability. If not, that might explain the 25%. I don't know anybody who has any problem with a physically disabled person being a parent. Or in fact a mentally disabled parent with a non genetic or a non severe condition. But, in the case of an adult with an inheritable and severe mental disability ... well, I'm not so sure whether or not they should be parents. I'm not 100% against. But I'll admit to not being 100% for either.

That's awful but I can't say I'm surprised. DS2 is a wheelchair user and we get negative comments about having DS3.

We are the same ellie - people ask me why I had DD after DS2 because he takes up so much of my time. I have been told that its unfair on her.

I hid DS3's pregnancy from as many people as possible (told midwives etc before people think I'm being irresponsible) because I was worried about what people would think and because I didn't want any "but aren't you worried he will be like DS2?" type comments.

Well said Sammy

Agree with Sammy, I think some people would be surprised just how many people have a mental disability, who carry on regardless and make amazing parents. Have a read through some more threads, so many parents with these conditions doing amazing jobs, just like everyone else.

If there were concerns about the parenting it would be dealt with like any other case. Hopefully fairly, without prejudice, and by a qualified professional. These parents are no more or less likely to need outside help with parenting. Sometimes an outside carer for respite or some adaptations dependent on circumstance, but not as a remedy to something that makes them unsuitable as a parent.

sammy has a point, but there is no need to be so rude saying it! You lose the moral ground when you resort to those insults

I'm really shocked and saddened that so many of you lovely ladies have had to put up with comments from these twats.

I can't believe that some many people lack empathy. Passing judgement on disabled women's reproductive choices is harsh. Actually commenting on it cold and very very rude!

Don't these people realise that they could end up becoming ill, or have an accident. So could their children or spouse? This has made me angry!

Agree with Sammy!!!