to think we need to do a U turn in our attitudes to disabled mothers?

[airforceone]

I have a daughter. I also have a disability that has left me largely in a wheelchair. The two came together. I never had the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a child despite the disability. People's attitudes seem to soften up when I explain this. I couldn't understand it at all until I read about a recent survey showing that about a quarter of people in the UK think disabled people shouldn't be parents. I thought it was a wind-up at first.

What are people thinking when they see me out and about with my little girl?

It's hard enough to be managing a toddler from a wheelchair. Much harder to think that I'm being judged for having a child at all, by people who will never know that my child receives a much richer experience of life than she would ever have had without a disabled parent.

If a quarter of people are thinking this way, does that mean that every fourth person I meet is privately of the opinion that our family should never have happened? And that we are a drain on the state?

Am I being unreasonable...or are is quarter in the survey?

The thing is that there must be a point where impairment means you cannot parent effectively but I don't know what it is

What concerns professionals is the ability to form attachment and foster attachment by making good eye contact etc, that can come from either resident parent.

It is the consistancy of emotional involement.

Then it is the safeguarding aspect. A level of practical ability is sought, unless this cannot be done because of a disability, then a package of support can be put in place.

What make the difference is family support and having someone whowill act as a secondary carer. Which years ago and in some families, nans/aunties are.

The emotional side is what is of the most concern and the ability to act in the childs interest. In the case of LD's/MH.

What I am hearing from this thread is that being a disabled parent doesn't necessarily make you a bad parent/ shouldn't be allowed etc... But it doesn't make you a good one either. Just like the rest of the population, it depends on the person (& their context?)

Oooh good point birds!

the really irreplaceable & unique thing a parent does is create that secure, powerful attachment...

MummytoKatie - yes, that's what I had in mind.

Birdsgottafly - I don't think I ever pretended to know about the story first hand? I said the children were adopted by a friend of mine. I only know what she told me and I don't even know if social services would have told her everything. I think they did and I think that what I said was correct. But no, I can't know for sure and I certainly can't say if the couple's relationship was loving, I've never met them! Sorry if I wasn't clear about that, I just panicked when I saw you had assumed that the woman was raped and I didn't want to be seen to be spreading things like that which I don't think were true.

Sammy - I was just musing aloud. I haven't formed any definite opinions and I was speaking very generally, suggesting that there might be some severe disabilities that would make parenting a child unwise and I'm sorry if you felt targetted by it. Autism didn't even enter my head tbh.

I'm not especially ignorant about autism but nor am I an expert. I know about as much as is avarage I imagine and the children that I have taught with autism have ranged from those who I wouldn't know were affected had I not been told to those who cannot speak, make eye contact, toilet themselves or show situation appropriate emotions at all. The latter is obviously SLD but the majority of those on the spectrum proabaly can't be diagnosed as such.

From what I can remember, individuals with SLD may communicate by gestures and simple words, those with MLD are more likely to have language skills and it isn't until you get into the mild classification that you often come across articulate and fully literate conversants. I'm sorry if that is not the system by which you define your disability but it was the basis of my thinking - I would never suggest that an individual with mild or even moderate learning difficulties should not be a parent.

To be completely honest, I proabably overthought the issue because I feel deep down that I should never have become a parent. I am not disabled but I have a mental illness that can be hereditary and was not advised to have children. Unfortunately, the first time I got pregnant I was an incredibly stupid and naive 19 year old virgin and the second time was non consensual sex. I don't agree with abortion so I had to resign myself to hoping to God that my children are ok. I will never forgive myself if they aren't and my situation probably makes me too quick to think that other people shouldn't have children when they may be perfectly happy to themselves.

But really, I don't think my thinking is that far off many other peoples in this thread if you accept that, by severe mental disability, I meant SLD and PMLD. I am sorry for hurting you though.

Angela, I think there's a couple of huge questions in there but they could be multi page threads on their own!

Not sure I agree that the decision whether or not have a disabled baby is necessarily indicative of a person's opinion on whether or not a disabled person should become a parent. I would never consider aborting a child, no matter how disabled. But I don't think someone with a PMLD, for example, could necessarily be an effective parent.

Agree that the term 'disabled' is far too broad to make the date collection useful.

Really not sure about your last question - whole new can of worms! What is 'not competent'? Are you meaning NHS funded or paid for personally?