to think we need to do a U turn in our attitudes to disabled mothers?

[airforceone]

I have a daughter. I also have a disability that has left me largely in a wheelchair. The two came together. I never had the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a child despite the disability. People's attitudes seem to soften up when I explain this. I couldn't understand it at all until I read about a recent survey showing that about a quarter of people in the UK think disabled people shouldn't be parents. I thought it was a wind-up at first.

What are people thinking when they see me out and about with my little girl?

It's hard enough to be managing a toddler from a wheelchair. Much harder to think that I'm being judged for having a child at all, by people who will never know that my child receives a much richer experience of life than she would ever have had without a disabled parent.

If a quarter of people are thinking this way, does that mean that every fourth person I meet is privately of the opinion that our family should never have happened? And that we are a drain on the state?

Am I being unreasonable...or are is quarter in the survey?

I'm astonished and saddened that this attitude seems so prevalent :( We do have an absurd attitude to disability and disabled people in this country, to the extent that my own disabled mum tries to downplay her illnesses because she is ashamed to be labelled as disabled.

Unfortunately I suspect the attitude is only going to get worse once Atos and the bloody government are done screwing everyone out of their disability benefits.

I have supported a woman in her 30's with physical disability and some learning difficulties who manages with support to have a near normal life, manages with support to live independently, manages with support to maintain a loving relationship and managed with support to have a healthy pregnancy, and with consistent and careful support manages to raise, with her husband a beautiful, happy, well adjusted child.
She is a loving mother, not a disabled mother.

YABU to think that you should EVER have to explain your situation to 'justify' your choice to have a child.

I do not think disability should be a barrier to a happy family life. My dd is disabled and I hope by the time she is thinking about having children, these awful attitudes will be obsolete.

I'm sorry you have been made to feel bad. Nobody has the right to judge you as a mother based on your disability.

Sammy, even without knowing anything about you your very ability to understand, read, type etc indicates that you do not have a severe mental disability. Presumably you also have children so evidently you are able to care for them and give them a stable, loving home. You are certainly not the category of mentally disabled that I was referring to.

I have a friend with 2 adopted children, 11 months apart. Both of them have SLD and are able to do very little for themselves. Their biological mother also has SLD. She (apparently, I don't know her) had no awareness of sex education and is unable to live independently. She has a mental age of approximately 7 and her children are expected to reach a similar level (currently functioning at around 18 months to 2 years aged 5 and 6. That's the kind of situation I was posting about. Not mild to moderate autism for goodness sake. I know 99% of the population are perfectly intelligent enough to raise children, I'm not stupid. It's those very vulnerable few that I worry about. Hence my use of the word severe.

My doctor told me that I should have aborted DS due to mental health problems.

Some people are just utter cunts.

My mum was a blind lone parent which made SS twitchy enough to send round a SW to check I was OK. I was and they never came back.

TBH, mum's blindness was never an issue while I was growing up. She worked and gave me an excellent life (once she finally left my bastard father).

People sometimes take things too literally.

If someone has quite profound LDs and a very low mental age and are in a fully functioning adult body, they are open to persuasion/abuse of trust etc.

But then Everyone has a right to a family life
and god forbid we start practicing eugenics.

As transferred from the 'will women ever be equal to men ' thread, the idea is not to make people equal or uniform but to give equal opportunities in life. That HAS to include the opportunity to reproduce and bring up children.

If you say people with inherited condition X should not have children then you are by proxy saying that they themselves should not have born either....regardless of all they have achieved in life and all the joy shared. If it is a direct choice between DX and non-DX children then I imagine most people would chose to have non-DX children (of course you almost never get to make that choice) But when it is a choice between life with DX and not being born at all how can you possibly agree with enforcing non-life?

If I were to see a mum out in a wheelchair with a toddler I think my only thought would be sincere appreciation and admiration of how she manages the day-to-day with a toddler-in-tow! (I have two close family members - father and brother - who are disabled and I know something about what goes into day to day management.)

As to the idea that you are 'burdening' your child - what a nonsense! I've been involved in the care of aformentioned DB and DF and it's not a burden it's having a family, fgs! Do they think we all live life like a stupid advert, skipping off into the sunset on a daily basis? Life happens and we all adapt - and the very first thing I hope I'm raising my kids to be is responsible and caring people who will help others and not just think of themselves.

(OK - rant over)!

And OP - you are so NBU! And you sound lovely.

Op I have just l

Oops....looked at your profile and recognise you from a thread last week. Similar theme maybe? What happened to that thread?

YANBU

The 25% are BU obviously, not the OP.

But it may be that some of those 25% are coming to their opinions out of a wish for children not to be unsupported main carers. But it's the lack of support that needs addressing rather than reproductive choices of people with disabilities.

I'd take a little heart knowing surveys particularly those done for press coverage rather than scientific research are bollocks.

I've done these for work (marketing), you only need 2000 respondents to be considered representative, doesn't matter what gender/age/educational split etc. the questions can be tailored to get the response you want and you can dump the questions that didn't get you the responses you wanted.

I have once met a woman who had been in a wheelchair since her early 20s following car crash.
She went on to have 3dcs, 1dc and then DTs less than 2 years apart! I have to say I always wondered how she managed because I know I would have struggled a hell of a lot (2dcs 20 months apart was plenty enough for me...)
The energy and will to live her life to the full and not be stopped by her disability shines through her and I have always been awe of what she achieved.

On the other side, I have also personally witness two children who had taken on the role of a career, doing things and having worries that shouldn't be part of a child's life. I can see how this could be seen as a 'burden'. What I can't understand though is that people think the solution is for people with disabilities not to have children instead of supporting parents & children

Very pertinent thread for me & kind of heartened to find so many of you in the same position. Hello! Since becoming disabled I've realised people - alot of people - are not at all nice.

Manic, your ignorance of autism knows no bounds. I have a court appointed advocate who takes care of all my paperwork and finances because of my mental impairment. I have an entire team of support workers who help me with day to day stuff that other people take for granted because I can't do it because of my mental impairment. As a teacher, I would have thought you would know that intellect and being able to type is in no way, shape or form a reflection of functionality when it comes to autism.

sammy has a point, but there is no need to be so rude saying it! You lose the moral ground when you resort to those insults

How is saying it my way any ruder than telling another women she shouldn't be a parent. I'd say my response was incredibly polite considering what it was in respons to.

sammy no, you were rude. Up to you how low you stoop back. 'telling it your way'? That's no excuse.

friedeggs you would do just fine!

But surely it all depends on how the disability affects the person and its ability to parent?

Any terms that you use such as 'severe mental disability' is loaded and will have very different meaning from person to the other.
What is important isn't whether the person is 'severely disabled' but how it affects them and whether it impairs their ability to parent (And for one, I wouldn't say that asking a child to pick something on the floor because you can't is an impairment of your ability to parent for example).
But how do you judge that? It's impossible and as some posters have said the level of disability can change with time too.
So the best is probably to leave it the the people who want to become parents and let them evaluate the impact on their life/the potential child.