to think we need to do a U turn in our attitudes to disabled mothers?

[airforceone]

I have a daughter. I also have a disability that has left me largely in a wheelchair. The two came together. I never had the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a child despite the disability. People's attitudes seem to soften up when I explain this. I couldn't understand it at all until I read about a recent survey showing that about a quarter of people in the UK think disabled people shouldn't be parents. I thought it was a wind-up at first.

What are people thinking when they see me out and about with my little girl?

It's hard enough to be managing a toddler from a wheelchair. Much harder to think that I'm being judged for having a child at all, by people who will never know that my child receives a much richer experience of life than she would ever have had without a disabled parent.

If a quarter of people are thinking this way, does that mean that every fourth person I meet is privately of the opinion that our family should never have happened? And that we are a drain on the state?

Am I being unreasonable...or are is quarter in the survey?

sammy no, you were rude. Up to you how low you stoop back. 'telling it your way'? That's no excuse.

It wasn't supposed to be an excuse. I was rude. I fully intended to be rude. The poster I was replying to was uber rude and offensive so deserved nothing less. And I'd bet my dinner money on the fact that is someone said to you that you shouldn't be allowed to have children, you'd get off your high horse and be rude too.

I rarely swear sammy. But guess you are right.

You might be suprised to learn that rarely swear either. I save it up for special occasions.

*to learn the I rarely swear either (and can't type)

sammy I didn't see anything rude in that poster answers. I think you read too much into it.

sammy I didn't see anything rude in that poster answers. I think you read too much into it.

Eh? She said that people with inheritable, severe mental disabilities shouldn't be allowed to be parents. I have an inheritable, severe mental disability. In what parellel universe is telling other women that they shouldn't be allowed to be mothers polite? Seriously, I despair of the human race. Really I do.

Op YANBU

As a disabled mum myself I know first hand how many people don't 'approve'. In my case it is my husband who gets the most sympathy as he has to do so much for both me and the children. He doesn't want it though, we have a lovely life together

I think atitiudes are starting to slowly change though, I hope it continues

Sammy I think you totally lost the moral highground with your post

This is so sad. :(

I do know what that poster meant about severe mental disabilities, though, it's just a question of what you think "severe" is, and what kind it is. I know a woman who has severe untreatable schizophrenia. Her first baby is now 16, damaged terribly by her mother's episodes after being locked in a dark house for weeks, thinking someone was trying to kill her. At age four, her mother told her that a neighbour was a witch and described in detail what the witch would do when she got hold of the little girl.
Child was taken off her and given to SS when she was about ten- That's when they realized all this had been happening.
She's had children since then and has never been deemed emotionally stable enough to care for them. They've all been adopted.
She is severely ill, and I feel for her. I don't think it's in anyone's interest that she has more children. But at the same time, I don't really think anyone should be forcefully sterilized either. It's a tough one.

In that, and only that, instance can I imagine thinking that a person probably shouldn't have children. But 99.9% of the time, I am in awe of parents with disabilities.

Firstly if care was funded properly for adults then no child would have to be a carer, so that is down to how we fund services for disabled adults.

There are children that take on a greater caring role than they should, but as said, anyone of us can become disabled at any time, so disability shouldn't be a deciding factor,the ability toparent well should (as it should for anyone).

severe mental disabilities

As any parents will be, each case has to be assessed on an individual basis.

Disability in a parent is an indicater that a first tier Child In Need Plan may be appropriate, but it is supporting, as in getting nursery funded etc, rather than how many think of SS plans.

Ignoring the fight except as a perfect example of what disabled parents face.

Is there a link to the stat? Am very interested to see this (also v v v sad, unsurprised though)

Sammy I think you totally lost the moral highground with your post

What does that mean? That it's ok for posters to say people like me shouldn't have children because I responded to that comment furiously?

Just to add that i have met MW's and HV's that are anti disabled women having children, so these attitudes are across the population.

Sammy, what I meant is that while you might not agree with what manic wrote she was discussing a general situation and explaining her opinion on it. She did not attack you personally or call you names. I understand you felt attacked by it but calling her a twat and telling her she shouldn't be allowed near children was completely over the top. This is a discussion on how people view disabled parents, I would rather people answered honestly and maybe we could challenge some misconceptions rather then automatically abuse someone who was trying to add to the discussion

That it's ok for posters to say people like me shouldn't have children because I responded to that comment furiously

The posters assumption of what constitutes sever mental health conditions, may be far away from your condition.

Which shows that use the words MH and assumptions are made, that is what we have to get rid of when thinking about people who are disabled.

There are specialist MW (which you will know) who will see a disabled women during her pregnancy, members of the public don't realise that and think that babies are left vulnerable.

Oh I see, the old 'opportunity to educate' chestnut.

And me saying she shouldn't be allowed near other people's children (what with her being a teacher and having what I consider very prejudiced views) was over the top but her saying people like me shouldn't be allowed to have children was adding to the discussion. Right, I got it now.

Birds that's what made me so angry. The assumption. Be that about me or anyone else. I've heard it in real life enough times to know that people really do think that way about me. So when I see it on a support forum for parents it's like a red rag and the rage begins.

I think one of the things that irks is that the 25% are making a random judgement on people's ability to parent. They are seemingly not aware that people with disabilities, just like people everywhere, consider ability, money, time, care and on and on before having children. It is a little insulting to assume that you, random stranger who knows nothing of the situation, is more qualified than the person themselves to make decisions about their own children.

On the point of people with LD parenting. There are two separate issues. One is vulnerable people being exploited sexually when they may not be able to give informed consent. That is criminal and should be prevented. However, I have seen fantastic parents with LDs far better than me on a regular basis. With proper, ongoing, appropriate support, many people with LDs can fulfill their desire to be parents. Of course, we all need proper, ongoing, appropriate support.

YANBU I had this arguement with someone recently!

"do you think they should be allowed to have children though?"
replied with shorter version of: "allowed by who? an inspector doesn't turn up when you're about to have un-protected sex to assess you and FWIW, if they did, d'ya think you'ld have been allowed all your kids given your taste in horrible fathers for your kids?"
"yeah but is it fair on the kiddies"
"fair how?"
"well they cant do things with them?"
"what things?"
"run around"

• I have never seen this person's able bodied adult children run around with their kids! EVER! they don't! they just roll their eyes and tell them to settle down!

argh!

Well said Mrs Orange

I honestly don't see the point of Manic's post.

The woman in her senario was abused and raped, that is nothing to do with an independant living disabled woman deciding to have children.

I'm a child of two parents with physical disabilities. There were five of us and we had more care and love than I can even express.

My brother suffers from schizophrenia and is the most loving father to his DD.

People who think they have a right to make judgements about others because of a disability are unfortunately all too prevalent. Is it that hard to see the person first and the disability second? People with disabilities are just that, people.

I think manics post was at the heart of the whole issue. That there are some people disabled or not who are unable to parent well. There are examples of parents who are disabled who cannot care for their children

The problem comes when people assume the same is true of all parents with disabilities rather than looking at things on a case by case basis

'disabled mothers' cannot be generalised any more than any other group of people can be and that is the message that needs to be spread

Thinking about it, I know the DD of a couple with hearing impairment. Far from being hindered by this, it meant that she was an awesome signer and make stacks of money from it, translating. Presumably this means that hearing parents should be ashamed of their inability to provide this to their children.