I am going to write this so I can show my mum the replies. Please would you offer your honest opinions? I will try to just give the facts, not the why's and where's etc!
Background....
My mum and Dad were married for 20 years and had 5 children together.
My mum started a relationship with another man before divorcing my Dad.
The man (M) was still married and had 2 children. M and his wife also divorced.
My mum and (M) have been in a relationship for over 10 years now.
After they divorced, mum was living in a council house, working in a minimum wage job. M was renting privately waiting for his house to be sold. He was earning around 50k.
The situation now....
Mum is working as a care worker earning just over minimum wage. M is still earning 50k. All children have left home and mum is still living in council house and M is living in a 2 bed house. He paid off the mortgage with inheritance from his mum. Mum is finding it hard to afford her house. She gets no help with rent or council tax. They would like to live together. M doesn't want to move into mums because it was her family home with my dad.
It is a 'proper' relationship in the sense that they have shared friends, spend time with each others families. Babysit grandchildren together, holiday together etc. It is not a casual relationship.
M has asked mum to live with him. They have spent lots of time at each others homes but never officially lived together. So far, the arrangements have been that they pay their own household bills, rent, mortgage etc and go half on absolutely everything else. So, if they go for a drink, they buy one round each. Halves on restaurant bills. Halves on takeaways etc. They have had many holidays together. (M travels as part of his job and mum gets to tag along often, at her own expense) She has never, ever taken anything from him other than small birthday/Christmas presents. She cooks for him, does his washing and housework etc.
M is disappointed that my mum doesn't earn more than she does. He feels it limits what they can do together because she can't always afford her half. If she can't afford it, they don't do it. Mum is left with nothing every month. M is left with enough to live very comfortably and save a significant amount.
Mum has been diagnosed with a problem with her spine. She has a prolapsed disk in her neck and has arthritis. She is 49. She still works full time, but has regular risk assessments and meetings with occupational health. She is on pain medication but is still in considerable pain most days. There is some concern about how much longer she can keep doing the job that she does.
M has suggested they live together at his home and wants mum to contribute half of household bills. Mum has tried to discuss what would happen if she finds herself unable to work and so, unable to pay her half. He has been very vague, but has hinted that she would not have a home with him if she couldn't pay. Mum has also tried to discuss what would happen if M was to die before her. Would she be allowed to stay living in his home? M has suggested that she would have to move in with me, because it would be unreasonable to expect his daughters to have to wait for their inheritance until my mum died.
My mum does not want any inheritance from him at all. She has suggested that she pays a smaller percentage towards household bills to allow her to save for the future. She thinks a 50/50 split is unfair. Apparently my mum is 'thick' and 'alarm bells are ringing' about my mums true motives. She 'has her eyes on his money.' M believes, that mum 'had nothing' when he met her and that is not his responsibility. He says he has worked hard for what he has.
My mum does not want a penny. She just wants to share a home with a the man she loves, with some security that she would not be made homeless if he died. If they seperate, she accepts that she would walk away with nothing.
Do you think I am being unreasonable to suggest to my mum that there is no future with this man? AIBU to suggest that she downsizes her council home to one more affordable and forgets any idea of ever sharing a home with M?
AIBU to think that M is a dick who doesn't really want a proper relationship with my mum at all?
If you have got to the end, thank you for reading!