Please give me some outside perspective. Very long I'm afraid!

[happy2bhomely]

I am going to write this so I can show my mum the replies. Please would you offer your honest opinions? I will try to just give the facts, not the why's and where's etc!

Background....
My mum and Dad were married for 20 years and had 5 children together.

My mum started a relationship with another man before divorcing my Dad.

The man (M) was still married and had 2 children. M and his wife also divorced.

My mum and (M) have been in a relationship for over 10 years now.

After they divorced, mum was living in a council house, working in a minimum wage job. M was renting privately waiting for his house to be sold. He was earning around 50k.

The situation now....

Mum is working as a care worker earning just over minimum wage. M is still earning 50k. All children have left home and mum is still living in council house and M is living in a 2 bed house. He paid off the mortgage with inheritance from his mum. Mum is finding it hard to afford her house. She gets no help with rent or council tax. They would like to live together. M doesn't want to move into mums because it was her family home with my dad.

It is a 'proper' relationship in the sense that they have shared friends, spend time with each others families. Babysit grandchildren together, holiday together etc. It is not a casual relationship.

M has asked mum to live with him. They have spent lots of time at each others homes but never officially lived together. So far, the arrangements have been that they pay their own household bills, rent, mortgage etc and go half on absolutely everything else. So, if they go for a drink, they buy one round each. Halves on restaurant bills. Halves on takeaways etc. They have had many holidays together. (M travels as part of his job and mum gets to tag along often, at her own expense) She has never, ever taken anything from him other than small birthday/Christmas presents. She cooks for him, does his washing and housework etc.

M is disappointed that my mum doesn't earn more than she does. He feels it limits what they can do together because she can't always afford her half. If she can't afford it, they don't do it. Mum is left with nothing every month. M is left with enough to live very comfortably and save a significant amount.

Mum has been diagnosed with a problem with her spine. She has a prolapsed disk in her neck and has arthritis. She is 49. She still works full time, but has regular risk assessments and meetings with occupational health. She is on pain medication but is still in considerable pain most days. There is some concern about how much longer she can keep doing the job that she does.

M has suggested they live together at his home and wants mum to contribute half of household bills. Mum has tried to discuss what would happen if she finds herself unable to work and so, unable to pay her half. He has been very vague, but has hinted that she would not have a home with him if she couldn't pay. Mum has also tried to discuss what would happen if M was to die before her. Would she be allowed to stay living in his home? M has suggested that she would have to move in with me, because it would be unreasonable to expect his daughters to have to wait for their inheritance until my mum died.

My mum does not want any inheritance from him at all. She has suggested that she pays a smaller percentage towards household bills to allow her to save for the future. She thinks a 50/50 split is unfair. Apparently my mum is 'thick' and 'alarm bells are ringing' about my mums true motives. She 'has her eyes on his money.' M believes, that mum 'had nothing' when he met her and that is not his responsibility. He says he has worked hard for what he has.

My mum does not want a penny. She just wants to share a home with a the man she loves, with some security that she would not be made homeless if he died. If they seperate, she accepts that she would walk away with nothing.

Do you think I am being unreasonable to suggest to my mum that there is no future with this man? AIBU to suggest that she downsizes her council home to one more affordable and forgets any idea of ever sharing a home with M?

AIBU to think that M is a dick who doesn't really want a proper relationship with my mum at all?

If you have got to the end, thank you for reading!

This is not the way a nice man would or should treat someone they love.

He does not respect your mum and i think 50/50 is unfair.

I would suggest not seeing him any more and looking after yourself more.

I think your mum will regret the relationship later on when she has no savings or money in old age.

Sorry :(

He sounds like a money grabbing arse.
He also obv does not love her.
sorry.
:(

He sounds like a self absorbed prick. Your Mum would probably be well shot of him.

To give you another thing to think about..

When we moved to our current house, the next door neighbours were elderly and had lived together for quite a few years. It was HIS house, and they were not married. He died suddenly, had left all his estate to his son, and there was a verbal agreement that had been in place for years that the lady could remain in the house for the rest of her life, and it would then go to the son.

Of course that didnt happen. The funeral was barely over before he told her she was to be out of the house as soon as possible. It was heartbreaking for her, and she had no family, or anywhere to go, no money, and no possessions other than her clothes.

He should marry her if he wants to live with her.

Boo! Hiss! I hear you all cry.

Right so they don't want to get married. But if they live together he should treat her as though she is his wife - that means the money pot is the joint money pot, not his and hers. He revamps his will to give her used of the property for the length of her life, but it then passes to his children?

Mind you, the couple 5 doors down did this, and it caused no end of ill feeling as the children (in thier 50's) are rather pissed off she won't do the decent thing and die quickly so they can get their hands on what is rightfully theirs

Back to the getting married thing - not everyones cup of tea - but it would also secure your mother his pensions if he predeceased her.

Your mum sounds like a lovely lady. This being so she deserves someone who will appreciate her many qualities. Tell her to get her runners on and don't look back xx

I've just re-read the OP, in which she says M doesn't want to move into the 2 bed council place because it had been the family home with a previous husband.

So if OP's mum downsizes, that problem has gone, M can move in with her there.

But the tenancy must be in her name alone, so she can chuck him out if/when he gets too needy.

Wonder if he'd be daft enough to do that.

Thank you so much for all your replies.

Sorry for drip feeding, but it is relevant I think. Some of you asked why she would stay with him....My mum married my dad at 19 and quickly had 5 children. She had a always worked around my dads hours and childcare. He was financially abusive and an alcoholic. He kept my mum and us living in poverty basically. She met M through friends reunited and knew him from school. They has an online friendship for ages. Then she left my dad and he eventually left his wife.

Out of the frying pan and in to the fire!

She doesn't have many friends and I don't think she realises how abnormal he is. He is known as being tight in their group of friends, but in a jokey way. I think he tells people that he pays for things for them both.

I'm going to show her this tonight.

My mum has said that she would downsize, but near to her family in case she needs support. He wants to be nearer to his grown up children, so has ruled this out too.

I wouldnt say it was out of the frying pan as such, because at least she does have her own independence right now, and believe me, she ought to keep it that way until she meets a decent bloke who wants to genuinely share his life with her. She is only 49, so certainly not over the hill!

Re sharing bills, that shouldn't be 50/50, but proportionate to their incomes. So with him on £50k, if she were earning £10k, she would pay 20% of bills with him covering the remaining 80%.

It does not seem like they want the same things.

Or rather, he is looking out for himself and his own needs. And he wants your mum to also look after him and his needs.

If he won't compromise on the downsize, there's no alternative then. Bye, bye, M, have a good life.

Btw, OP's mum, if you do read this, I'm 50 and I'm not ready to jack it all in to be someone else's skivvy. You've plenty life left in you, time to find someone who will care for you as you deserve.

But you have to ditch M, and spend some time finding out who and where you are now, maybe get some counselling, before looking for a new man.

I agree with everyone else ^. He is using her as company, and unpaid cleaner, cook and washing woman.

She's only 49 and can do much better than this.

Hope your mum isn't too upset reading these replies.

He sounds like a boy a friend went out with once (literally once) who asked her to give him the money for her cinema ticket before they left her house so that it would look like he was buying both tickets.

I wonder whether she's stuck it out with this tight fisted horror because she thinks it justifies leaving her marriage. Mind you, if your dad was abusive, good for her for getting out of that.

I think your mum ought to come on here and post a thread. People will come up with good ideas for making friends and for keeping men like this at bay.

He appears to want her to live with him so that his bills are halved. There seems to be nothing in it for her. If she has a council house now, she'd never get that back again if they split up and he kicked her out. Can you get council bungalows? That might be better for her now that her health's suffering.

Good luck, OPsMum - there are much nicer men out there but being without a man would be a hell of a lot better than being with him.

Just remembered the bit about her travelling - so he was travelling for nothing and she had to pay to go with him, even though it wasn't to somewhere she might have chosen to go to and she'd have to hang around whilst he was working? OPsMum, get yourself onto a thread on the Relationships board for some advice! You'll never do that again, I promise!

YANBU

I agree with wakeup and oldlady. Your mum would be crazy to move in with this man

She deserves someone who will cherish her - M sounds very mean spirited, she would be well rid of him and his penny pinching uncaring ways!

• She does all his household chores.
• They don't live together and he hasn't proposed after 10 years.
• He has made it clear if she couldn't pay the bills due to ill health she'd be out on her ear.
• While she is working on a minimum wage job and he is earning 50 grand a year with no mortgage, he wants them to split the bills 50/50 on a house she would have no entitlement to if he were to pass away.
• Ten years in he is still allowing her to pay 50% of the bill on dates, despite having a much bigger income than her and no mortgage to pay.
• He won't consider moving nearer to her family, despite the fact she will no doubt need support as her condition worsens.

He is a TOSSER! He has your mum at his beckon call when he fancies a meal out with some company (who will pay for themselves), and I am assuming a physical relationship. He is using her.

You mum deserves better than this.

If I was you mum I would split with him. (Or at the very least stop doing his bloody household chores).

I would tell the council I would like to move to a smaller property near my adult children for support.

I would throw myself into socialising more with friends, family and neighbours.

His children may also be putting their words in his ears about it all too "She's after you for your money" "What about our inheritance" "What if you die first"

I would say if she does go ahead - she should pay nothing towards the upkeep of the house/mortgage costs etc (no benefit= no payment) - and since he is paying all the bills now - just pay any increase in bills caused by her being there.

Your mum is only 9 years older than me. She is not Old, she is YOUNG!

If your mum does eventually move in (despite the advice) (She shouldn't, by the way) she should return his favour of asking her for 50% of the bills by charging him by the hour (£10? £20?) for all washing and cleaning.

Agree that she is a housekeeper with benefits for him. He sounds absolutley awful and not worth wasting any more time on.

Bills should be split proportionate to earnings and if he won't consider that she needs to stay well clear.

How old is he? Lots older than your mother or just a bit?

he is tight as a ducks arse by the sound of it, this is not a relationship it is friends with benefits

Your mum should get out of this, he doesn't love her and to be honest it doesn't sound as though he even cares that much

I also think OP's DM should move to smaller house and deffinitly not move in with Mr TightWad. She should immediately stop doing any of his laundry or cooking.

She could, if she wanted, adjust the relationship to a more simple girlfriend/boyfriend type of thing. With no other expectations of each other apart from a night or so a week's date.

He does sound awful though and extremely mean (both financially mean and mean spirited)

If he really wanted to move in with her he would have done it by now. Sorry to be blunt.