AIBU to fine my DH for 'misdemeanors'?

[finethegit]

My DH is a nice bloke, a good dad and I love him very much. However, as with most relationships there are varying annoyances, personality clashes. I'm very sure that should my DH be here he would say the same.

Some of the things that bug the crap out of me are; loading the dishwasher incorrectly (c'mon, everyone knows there's a correct way ), piss drips on the bathroom floor, avoiding putting the kids to bed (kids are a nightmare at bedtime) by urgently needing to do stuff out of the house, stepping over the washing pile (I left it there deliberately for days and he continued stepping over it), and so on and so forth.

I did, for a long time, take issue with stuff and pull him up on it...which he either ignored, or did in a huff with very bad grace. He also started doing the same to me over things that bugged him and I wasn't too keen on that one!

So I started keeping my mouth shut, and found myself seething continually, which was as bad as the other options.

Eventually I decided to 'fine' him. Every 'bad deed' has a price. I write down the amount (in code) in a notepad, and then once a month I draw it out and stick it into my bank account. I've found that I don't feel at all (well, almost not at all) stressed anymore.

AIBU?

vezzie vezzie good !

2girls2dogs - see, he doesn't tell me it's wrong or done badly, it's how I feel because I see him loading the washing machine or starting to sweep up as soon as he gets through the door. He thinks he's being helpful, but I'd much rather he went and played with the kids rather than instantly making me feel inadequate - not because of what he is doing but because of how I interpret it.

Also interesting to see how people interpret this when it is a man tidying and a woman feeling like she does it all wrong, that he is being a knob...so I assume that the OP is being a female equivalent of a knob by telling her other half how to stack the dishwasher or not to leave stuff laying around? And he should tell her to STFU and quit being passive aggressive?

We have had the cleaner argument many times over the 20 odd years of our relationship. For some lefty stupid reason he will not have a cleaner. We compromised and I dropped a day at work instead.

sorry, i just picked up on his comment about you learning to pick up as you go along. You dropped a day at work as a compromise? See, that could be interpreted in different ways too - firstly, was it a job you like to do? has dropping a day been detrimental to a career? or is it very much a "for the money" type job that you are happy to have a day off from?

Haven't read the whole thing but it reminds me of the book The Pile of Stuff at the Bottom of the Stairs. Spreadsheet to record the husband's misdemeanours. The fining thing is a new innovation though.

If your DP can't be arsed to do things OP then it's right he should pay someone else to. In this case, he is paying you. It's just that you guys haven't sorted a proper contact ... And if he can't load a dishwasher correctly then how is he going to do a contract? Eejit. YANBU.

I didn't say I thought it was an system that would promote mutual respect and emotional intimacy. I do think it is interesting though.
One of the things I often think at work when people are driving me nuts is "you can only change your own behaviour". So when people are arseholes you just have to minimise the extent to which you can be affected by it (people who lose stuff, don't leave your things out; people who don't finish things, don't rely on them for your projects; etc; people who offend you, try to insulate yourself emotionally from being offended) - all while keeping your own behaviour polite and open and courteous. This is interesting as it takes some of these principles into the home. Though I would not say it is courteous to secretly fine someone, it is a way that the OP can take the heat out of the situation and be apparently courteous.

I am sure some would say that in a marriage (as opposed to with workmates) you can attempt to change others' behaviour - well you can ask. But what can you do if asking gets you nowhere?

To the person who frothed, "it's a marriage!" - a marriage has always traditionally been an economic contract, all the love and friendship stuff is just a currently fashionable nice-to-have.

I do not think I would be very happy in such a marriage. But I have taken the decision not to get married.

ilikemysleep, men who refuse to have cleaners in the house for stupid lefty reasons and expect the person they supposedly love most to do it all for free drive me NUTS. (I speak as a lefty) I mean yes we live within capitalism within which the employer / employee relationship is seriously problematic, BUT, morally, I would a thousand times rather recognise that work is being done and have someone compensated for it, than pretend it is done by the fairies and have people living in their personally serviced dream worlds where they never clean bogs or put their hands in their pockets (or otherwise) pay the person who does. It just reduces the woman in the house to a slave and lefty men make "ethical" arguments for this!

Do you want to take that day off work? Do you like your job or would you rather have the time to get some housework done with the radio on?

You say this works. How? He still isn't doing what you want him to do. You are just les pissed off as you are taking money without him noticing.

I got monumentally pissed off at DH never ever looking for anything.

So I told him that if he asked me where something was and the answer was "where it lives" eg coat on coat rack, food in fridge, book on shelf, pants in pants drawer, then he owed me a pound.

It mostly cured him of that vastly lazy and irritating habit, and he thought it was moderately amusing. And in the meantime I felt less annoyed by it.

Just tell him, OP. It might make a difference.

And yes, there is a right way to stack a dishwasher, on a basic level, to ensure that the dishes actually get washed. Take a photo and leave it above the dishwasher. Then he has no excuse an easy reference to check he is doing it right.

YANBU. This thread is hilarious and only goes to show how many sanctimonious harpies with no sense of humour and too much time to bully there are on here. My own DH showed me this thread last night and said "Have you been posting about me?"

Men are either domesticated or they're not. If they are, then they criticise the ironing or fuss over nutmeg and obsess about jam.

If they're not domesticated then they are lazy sods.

At least you DH loads the dishwasher. My lot just leave it in the sink.

Love, a full time mum with a full time job who still has to do SODDING EVERYTHING!

'Men are either domesticated or they're not. If they are, then they criticise the ironing or fuss over nutmeg and obsess about jam.

If they're not domesticated then they are lazy sods. '

And nothing in between?
Don't do jam or nutmeg, I must be a lazy sod.

No, i have not yet met anything in between. But then I do live in Yorkshire. Here, they either shoot rabbits or marinade them in juniper with a little dash of nutmeg.

See, on one hand I can sympathise with the OP as my DH cannot learn to load the dishwasher (that thing with glasses full of scummy water at the end turns my stomach too!) I've given up telling him now, and made the dishwasher my thing- I just put them in the right place/ turn them up the right way before I put it on now, it's not really a biggie.

And to be fair my DH does the cooking, cleaning up and more than his fair share of domestic chores, so I suck it up (but not literally!)

What about us women who are lazy sods?

I hate housework too - doesn't mean I get to leave it totally undone as I don't have a cock so can't use that as an excuse for being a lazy arse .

nah, Vezzie, he doesn't expect me to do it all for free. He works away a lot and when he gets home after a few days away he gets the broom out, sorts laundry etc. It's just that him doing that as soon as he gets in (well, within 10 mins) I see as implicit criticism that he sees that stuff needs to be done, so I am not doing enough or doing it properly.

I do work in a professional job and was doing 4 days a week and having toddler day on 5th. With husband away I was drowning and begged for a cleaner. We agreed instead that I'd have a day less at work, with no kids at home. So now I work 3 days, have a day alone, and a toddler day. I tend to use my alone day for sorting out kids appointments ( one is autistic and one hearing impaired so we have lots of appointments!) and getting stuff done like the shopping so I am still crap at cleaning though. Basically, we have different standards. I don't notice the shoes in the hallway, he does....

You sound a bit weird...

Collegiate

I'm sorry you do everything. Rather than calling us names, maybe you should be getting steamed up at the person who should be helping.

Nothing that's been said here remotely resembles bullying either

Which is something that could be levelled at every poster on the thread/MN/world tbf Claire.

ilike may be irrelevant, but when I get home if I sit down and relax I lose all momentum and don't do my share of housework, so I prefer to do it immediately while I'm still in the mood. Might be the same for your DH?