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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to fine my DH for 'misdemeanors'?

144 replies

finethegit · 07/09/2012 21:34

My DH is a nice bloke, a good dad and I love him very much. However, as with most relationships there are varying annoyances, personality clashes. I'm very sure that should my DH be here he would say the same.

Some of the things that bug the crap out of me are; loading the dishwasher incorrectly (c'mon, everyone knows there's a correct way ), piss drips on the bathroom floor, avoiding putting the kids to bed (kids are a nightmare at bedtime) by urgently needing to do stuff out of the house, stepping over the washing pile (I left it there deliberately for days and he continued stepping over it), and so on and so forth.

I did, for a long time, take issue with stuff and pull him up on it...which he either ignored, or did in a huff with very bad grace. He also started doing the same to me over things that bugged him and I wasn't too keen on that one!

So I started keeping my mouth shut, and found myself seething continually, which was as bad as the other options.

Eventually I decided to 'fine' him. Every 'bad deed' has a price. I write down the amount (in code) in a notepad, and then once a month I draw it out and stick it into my bank account. I've found that I don't feel at all (well, almost not at all) stressed anymore.

AIBU?

OP posts:

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 22:28

Perhaps if you earned you'd feel more justified on insisting on equality

Solo · 07/09/2012 22:29

I like it! I wonder if I can do it to Ds...Oh crap! he doesn't get pocket money.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 22:30

Sorry - that came out wrong. I am in no way berating you for not earning money. But with being a SAHM can come a feeling of powerlessness about insisting on your rights to not be a skivvy.

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 22:30

'This is really controlling behaviour. Borderline abusive.'

Don't be silly!

OP posts:

tittytittyhanghang · 07/09/2012 22:30

Oh wait, are you the bastard?

Meh, if it works it works :)

beanandspud · 07/09/2012 22:31

Blatherskite that was my first thought too!?

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 22:31

Sometimes I get annoyed with DH and with aspects of our relationship. Then I read threads like this, and I realise that our relationship is ok after all.

I'm glad it works for you OP. I couldn't live like that. He pisses on the bathroom floor when he's drunk? Really? And you're prepared to tolerate that for a mere tenner?

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 22:32

I can kind of see what you mean, you're doing it so you're 'getting him back' but in a non-confrontational way.

I know that sounds a bit shitty, but if something's fucking you off and you don't want it to then it's one way of harmlessly dealing with it if you've tried other things.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 22:33

He is not doing that anyway because you 'don't earn'.

You are saving him an absolute fortune in childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc...

How much do you think he'd have to fork out for all that if he didn't have you and didn't want to do it himself?

A marriage is a partnership...and an equal one at that.

If you say you're happy then I can't argue with that but I will say, you actually don't sound it to consider stooping to dishonesty in order to achieve that happiness.

But that's just my view....I'll stop being so 'heavy' now on your lighthearted thread

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 22:33

What would i do? Id make my feelings known in no uncertain terms - pissing on the foor is disgusting and i would simply not tolerate it. As to the housework, i do more than my DP, he NEVER does any washing, he did load the dishwasher but only washed up after i pointed out that i don't like doing it and think he should do it from time to time. Hes a bit crap when it comes to housework, but you know what? He works like a slave and is a great dad. So i just let it go, it doesn't BOTHER me, if it bothered me, id have to stand my ground on it, i wouldn't let it fester to a low level of hostility either, id say something.

No one is saying you need to leave him - ffs, but you are now talking about having to leave your children with him because they prefer him.

Im really can't see the humour in this thread at all - i think you need to wake up and adress your self esteem issues.

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 22:34

'But with being a SAHM can come a feeling of powerlessness about insisting on your rights to not be a skivvy.'

Yes, spot on. Totally spot on. I think about if it was the other way round though, if I was the earner, I would expect him to sort the house the majority of the time, and the kids whilst I wasn't there, I think I would anyway. Difficult to say when you're not in that position really.

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 07/09/2012 22:34

Emptying all the spare cash out of ex H pockets when he rolled in at 5 in the morning then lay around groaning with hangover all the following day used to cheer me right up!

I think it's brilliant OP .

showtunesgirl · 07/09/2012 22:36

DH doesn't know about this right?

To me this is like playing a game but not telling the other person the rules. If you get to fine him, then he should be allowed to fine you as well.

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 22:36

'He pisses on the bathroom floor when he's drunk? Really? And you're prepared to tolerate that for a mere tenner?'

About twice a year! He cleaned up my puke once, not sure if he fined me in some way!!

OP posts:

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 22:36

Well, depends how old the children are, but when the WOH person is home, they do an equal share.

kim147 · 07/09/2012 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 22:37

... or they should.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 07/09/2012 22:40

MarysBeard · 07/09/2012 22:41

Where does it end though? We'd be constantly fining one another.

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 22:42

I'm the main earner in our family OP. DH was a SAHD for a while after we moved to this area. I never treated him with such disrespect, and I didn't expect him to be a skivvy. It's a partnership, and what you do at home is as important as what he does at work.

Sorry, but he sounds like an arse. And you sound really unhappy.:(

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 22:42

'You are saving him an absolute fortune in childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc...

How much do you think he'd have to fork out for all that if he didn't have you and didn't want to do it himself?'

This is all true, very true. But to look at it another way, if I left, I'd have nothing, he pays for everything. I'd be straight to the housing office begging for a one bed flat and looking for a low paid job. I'm weighing up the pro's and con's, and believe me, putting up with some unfairness in what is essentially a good relationship is a much better option!

'But that's just my view....I'll stop being so 'heavy' now on your lighthearted thread'

Nah, it's ok

OP posts:

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 22:45

'Sorry, but he sounds like an arse. And you sound really unhappy'

He IS an arse sometimes, but so am I, I have to be honest. We're not really unhappy though, really we're not. I wouldn't want anyone else (we've been together 10 years).

OP posts:

flyoverthegoldenhill · 07/09/2012 22:49

fine I've had a and tomorrow I'm going to draft my list of fines.
It will be a very long list.

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 22:50

Fair enough, OP. I guess we all have different ideas of what we can live with. I'm glad you're ok. :)

But please don't let your status as a SAHM mean that he is allowed to walk all over you. You are worth more than that.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 22:51

Half of me thinks it's funny and OK, but the other half kind of agrees it's a pretty sad state of affairs.

I think it comes down to him not knowing you're doing it, it's not something funny because he's not included.

A laughed about shared joke vs you taking it seriously to be able to deal with how he is.

I don't agree with letting housework push a couple to the verge of splitting up, but if you look at it as a backdrop to his lack of respect for you it is something you've maybe got to address.

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