AIBU to fine my DH for 'misdemeanors'?

[finethegit]

My DH is a nice bloke, a good dad and I love him very much. However, as with most relationships there are varying annoyances, personality clashes. I'm very sure that should my DH be here he would say the same.

Some of the things that bug the crap out of me are; loading the dishwasher incorrectly (c'mon, everyone knows there's a correct way ), piss drips on the bathroom floor, avoiding putting the kids to bed (kids are a nightmare at bedtime) by urgently needing to do stuff out of the house, stepping over the washing pile (I left it there deliberately for days and he continued stepping over it), and so on and so forth.

I did, for a long time, take issue with stuff and pull him up on it...which he either ignored, or did in a huff with very bad grace. He also started doing the same to me over things that bugged him and I wasn't too keen on that one!

So I started keeping my mouth shut, and found myself seething continually, which was as bad as the other options.

Eventually I decided to 'fine' him. Every 'bad deed' has a price. I write down the amount (in code) in a notepad, and then once a month I draw it out and stick it into my bank account. I've found that I don't feel at all (well, almost not at all) stressed anymore.

AIBU?

Well you're easily bought then if you're happy to be treated that way by him.

I think consideration and respect is worth far more than a couple of extra quid at the end of the month.

I think it's okay as you say it's helped you not be stressed. And I know how you feel, I continually ask DH or tell him how to do something and he mustn't give a shiny shit about it as he doesn't listen. Closing drawers and cupboards, putting things in the bin, toilet seat down etc.. Latest one, DH we have Xyz $ left until pay day, and it is to cover abc items, so what does he do? Goes out and buys shit that we don't need because he can't be effed checking the cupboard and seeing we have it or don't really need it right then.

I need help not to be stressed so I may just use your fine system!

So he gets to massively disrepect you by not pulling his weight around the house, and you get to massively disrespect him by treating him like a child and "fining" him, but not actually telling him you are doing it I can't decide who is being the bigger twunt

I'm really not sure who is worse.

How do you think he'd react if he knew you were fining him?

I highly recommend it HerRoyal, it might be a bit daft (and frowned upon, at least on here), but it works

Puts recycling in general waste 25p per item
Leaves breakfast dishes in lounge 30p
Leaves wet towel in lounge 30p
Stacks dishwasher stupidly so not everything fits in 50p

I hear you!! I'd probably present the bill to him though, and he can then convert the fee for massages with no strings attached!! Ie foot massage £3.50; back massage £4. Etc.

Which poster was it that actually refused to pick up a towel her OH left on the floor? it went on for weeks.

Wonder if it's still there?

Was that the one who made towel animals ABF?

Not me! Tempted to put in in his side of the bed though

YABU for sure, but you made me laugh.

'So he gets to massively disrepect you by not pulling his weight around the house, and you get to massively disrespect him by treating him like a child and "fining" him, but not actually telling him you are doing it I can't decide who is being the bigger twunt'

It wouldn't really work if I told him, it's the not telling that makes it work. You may not be able to decide who is the bigger twunt, but our relationship...niggles aside...works. Most RL relationships aren't based upon the MN relationship utopia peddled on here. Our relationship is not perfect but we love each other and our kids.

If he found out what I was doing, he would probably have a rant and then laugh.

LOL I think it's hilarious. I want the full price list, I could make a fortune in my house. But if the the Dh's come up with a list too, it could get a little awkward, I'm a SAHM too.
I actually wrote Dh an IOU the other day, I hadn't been to the bank and got him gas money, while tucking the IUO away and getting cash from his personal stash, he did say I could work it off if I didn't want to get him any money LOL
There is only one right way to load the dishwasher and it's the way I do it. Dh does it on occasion and if I see it before switching on, I wait for him to leave and rearrange it. No need to hurt his feelings when he really was being nice and helpful.

kim147 - of course not. I don't bug the crap out of myself (usually).

Just playing devil's wotsit here but....

If your DH looked you in the eye and said, "I'm going to continue to ignore your feelings, I'm going to continue to piss on the floor, I refuse to put our children to bed even though they can be a nightmare and stress you out, I'm going to make you do all the washing because I refuse to do it...and I'm going to make you wash all the dishes too because I make sure they're filled with dirty water....But I'm going to give you - say £50/£100 a month pocket money? and pat you on the head like a good girl.

Are you seriously saying you'd be happy?

Because that's what's happening here...except he's 'giving' you the pocket money without his knowledge.

Well I can tell you that peeing on the bathroom floor when drunk (this happens very rarely btw, and we're talking a lot of pee) is £10!

I bet those long winter lights fly by in your house.

Well, if it makes you happy Is there a MN relationship utopia? I don't think not lying to each other and equal division of chores or some agreement over who doe what is basic respect, not utopian, but hey perhaps im really demanding.

Sometimes my DP comments that i put too much in the dishwasher, i tell him, well if you don't like the way i do it, do it yourself - except our dishwasher turned up its toes (probaby because i was overloading it) so it doesn't really matter anymore.

Maybe it's the wine, but your OP really made me laugh.

Good point worra (as is often the case).

OP continuing with this will lead to contempt. I really think that.

Worra. He's doing that anyway, I don't earn.

Do you want to tell me what you'd do?

It's like this, he is not going to change, I do not want to live in an atmosphere of low level hostility. I will not allow my family to fall apart, that has happened to me before and I never want to go there again with young kids.

We're talking about leaving my small DC's with their dad because they have a significant preference for him, I couldn't take them away from him, really I couldn't.

I am happy, seriously, genuinely. We are happy. There are small niggles that affect all relationships in the main. I am not going to insist on having my way here, I am not going to sit down and have deep and meaningful's about how disrespectful it is to piss on the floor or load the dishwasher badly. He knows.

The stuff he does, which is not relationship breaking stuff, pisses me off. Hence
the little fines. It works for me.

This is really controlling behaviour. Borderline abusive.

Actually yes, it is financial abuse. Imagine if the genders were reversed?

In a similar sort of vein, I used to flick the Vs to my children behind their backs when they were little. Made me feel better. But then they grew up and stopped being so annoying, so my other overt approaches to behaviour management were obviously having the desired effect.

YANBU, i likey this :) but we have joint accounts which dp doesn't really have much to do with so it wouldn't work!

But in the spirit of MN leave the bastard!