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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to fine my DH for 'misdemeanors'?

144 replies

finethegit · 07/09/2012 21:34

My DH is a nice bloke, a good dad and I love him very much. However, as with most relationships there are varying annoyances, personality clashes. I'm very sure that should my DH be here he would say the same.

Some of the things that bug the crap out of me are; loading the dishwasher incorrectly (c'mon, everyone knows there's a correct way ), piss drips on the bathroom floor, avoiding putting the kids to bed (kids are a nightmare at bedtime) by urgently needing to do stuff out of the house, stepping over the washing pile (I left it there deliberately for days and he continued stepping over it), and so on and so forth.

I did, for a long time, take issue with stuff and pull him up on it...which he either ignored, or did in a huff with very bad grace. He also started doing the same to me over things that bugged him and I wasn't too keen on that one!

So I started keeping my mouth shut, and found myself seething continually, which was as bad as the other options.

Eventually I decided to 'fine' him. Every 'bad deed' has a price. I write down the amount (in code) in a notepad, and then once a month I draw it out and stick it into my bank account. I've found that I don't feel at all (well, almost not at all) stressed anymore.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 22:52

And I really don't like secret game playing with more meaning to it than the person will admit.

You're trying to make it seem lighthearted when it obviously means quite a lot to you.

flyoverthegoldenhill · 07/09/2012 22:53

and sometimes I'm an arse too ! and my DP can also be an arse !
I would say fucking arse, but I just gota swearbox, so I really can't fucking swear

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2012 22:54

why not get a paid job and earn money the proper way?

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 22:55

You are the only one suggesting you should leave? These are minor irritations that affect many relationships - unless there are other things that you aren't telling us - how much if he is unfaithful???

I really don't understand it, where do you take the money from? His wallet? his bank account?

Don't you have a joint account? Doesn't he just give you money as and when you need/want it? I am a SAHM, i don't have an "allowance" if i want money, i say, "oh can you leave me some money please" he will ask how much i want and leave it for me - we are a bit skint so i don't tend to buy things i dont need, neither does he, if we were flush, i'd buy what i like when i like and feel no guilt whatsoever about it. I certainly wouldn't be taking "his" money, when in fact, the money, even though technically earnt by him is OURS.

Im not trying to be mean here, i think you sound very unhappy and trying to glean some control in your life as you feel you don't have any.

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 22:56

agent, I think the idea is quite funny. Not so sure about the reality. It's the kind of thing I can imagine having a laugh about with my friends, or even with DH, but actually living like that....no, wouldn't be for me.

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 22:57

Funny, the OP has a job, she is a SAHM, maybe there are childcare issues that mean she can't get a job, maybe she can't find a job just now, maybe they have decided that her job will be to look after the children. I get really pissed off when people are being taken the piss out of and the answer is, get a job!! Do you not think her DH will not continue to to take the piss if she gets a job, or will she have to do that PLUS all the housework.

Its the pissing on the floor that is the red flag for me

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 22:59

But the 'piss drips' on the floor are only a problem if he refused to clean them up 2girls.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 23:00

Wouldn't be for me either jinsei, I've had enough of shit like that to last me a lifetime.

Original poster

finethegit · 07/09/2012 23:00

I'm off to bed now, really knackered. Will respond to your posts tomorrow, thanks for all your thoughts, has given me food for thought.

I won't fine him for playing Lana Del Ray loudly in the car, I'll scrub that off my list!!

OP posts:

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2012 23:01

ok 2girls or maybe she doesn't and maybe her DC are at school and instead of taking the family's money for herself she could earn some herself. Now if this were a matter of her DH withholding family money it would be different, but if my DH sat money aside for himself out of family funds because of my perceived demeanours, I would be furious

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 23:02

Agent - he, apparently pisses all over the bathroom floor when drunk, alot of wee, she said - so not just a few drips - but its ok, she fines him £10 for it If it were just lousy aim, id agree with you, if he cleared it up then fine, but i can't imagine if you can't actually find the toilet you are going to be in any state to clear it up. If this as a regular occurance in my house (im not talking about a one off, but anythin that happened more than once ina purple and yellow plaid mood) Id be beyond fuming

RubyrooUK · 07/09/2012 23:03

I think the concept is quite funny. I floated the fines system (keeping it in the open) to my DH.

So far we have worked out that based on his misdemeanors, he'd lose about 55p a week on average, mainly for not changing an empty toilet roll. I'd lose about £15.80 for everything from leaving clothes on the floor to failing to pack the dishwasher at all to failing to notice DS feeding peas between all our floorboards.

So I've decided YABU, it's a rubbish system.

RCheshire · 07/09/2012 23:03

"I've noticed small amounts of money going out of my bank account. Never a lot, a quid or two at a time, £10 max. I realised it had been going into my DH's account. When I challenged him about it he laughed. He said for months now he'd been fining me when I didn't complete household chores in the manner he'd instructed me; taking out 50p when I hadn't folded the bed sheets in the right way, £1 for a a badly ironed shirt and £2 for not shutting down the computer properly (he's always telling me I should do this). He'd spend it on himself when he got enough to buy a cd, book whatever."

Regardless of whether the OP is serious or joking, the number of posters who find this ok or funny surprises me. Would you react the same way to the above I wonder?

ilikemysleep · 07/09/2012 23:04

See, my DH and I are a bit like this but the other way around...he is a cleaning machine and does all the laundry and stuff. From my POV it isn't great. Every time I try and help I do it 'wrong' or 'badly'. I look after 4 kids (one autistic) and work part time and DH goes away on business and when he comes home he starts sweeping the floor, saying 'let's clean up this place' and stuff. He says stuff like 'You just need to learn to put things away as you go' - yes, whilst looking after 4 kids one of whom may be melting down at any minute and one of whom is a demanding toddler.

What helped me out was reading a crappy schmaltzy book called 'the 5 languages of love'. It suggests that there are 5 ways we express love - quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving and physical touch. Most people like all of them but one is the main way they express their love, and if your love language is mismatched with your partner then you can feel unappreciated. My love language is quality time. I think it's important to spend some time with each of my kids, sitting with them, chatting, reading a story etc. I like meals with DH. DH's love language is acts of service. He shows his love by cleaning and tidying. He isn't intending to be critical, he is showing us how important we are by 'serving' us. He likes it and feels loved and respected when I do acts of service back - like if I get the washing stacked and put away or the floor mopped. Since I stopped feeling like he was constantly attacking me I've been much happier in the relationship. I bet your DH feels equally attacked, and that can cause petulance.

Anyhoo...I've lost where I was going. But from the other side of the coin, just be aware that being constantly told that wahtever you do is not good enough or incorrect is just...wearing.

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 23:04

I aree funny, but my DD is at school, im looking for work - are you saying that i am not entitled to any of the family money?

I would however be as furious as you would be if this was done to me. I thought this was cuntish to start with, then i thought it was funny, but as we are drip fed more and more, i feel sorry for the op.

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 23:06

What RCHeshire said. But i do think there are other issues here.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 23:06

I was just going on how the fine described it in the OP 2girls.

But funnys post makes sense, it's the bit about him not knowing that bothers me.

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2012 23:08

2girls family money is just that and so of course you are equally entitled. What no one bar perhaps the abused are allowed to do is squirrel it away, whatever the excuse

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:09

To be fair, if you get a parking fine or any other kind of fine at least you have the right to appeal!

Being 'fined' behind your back is (imo) a bit like a shopkeeper telling you you don't need to pay for breakages...and then sticking a sneaky few quid on your bill every time you buy something.

It's underhand and dishonest.

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 23:10

ilikemysleep - i suggest you burn that book and tell your "DH" to quit with the passive aggressive matyrdom and to help you out by hiring a cleaner if it really is that important to him, or suck it the fuck up.

He is not doing you a service FFS, he is being a knob. He is making you feel crap for not doing your "Jobs" properly If he were to come home and help out with the cleaning WITHOUT THE SARCASTIC COMMENTS, then yeah, great guy, cook his dinner and give him a blow job, but with the sarcastic comments...........well!

vezzie · 07/09/2012 23:11

This is interesting.
A person who refuses to do things in the house is effectively extorting labour from the person who is then forced to do them. Taking money as recompense for labour is a rational response to such attempts at extortion - downgrading the extortion and associated humiliation into something milder, just employment I suppose. In this case it's symbolic though because the amounts are (I gather) too low to genuinely remunerate the labour.
It would be interesting if a person could do this with more realistic amounts and thereby gain funds to actually leave.

2girls2dogs · 07/09/2012 23:12

I agree Funny, yes. you are exactly right - additionally, its the reason it is being squirrelled as well. This is a really dysfunctional relationship if you ask me.

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2012 23:15

if it is a situation where the OP is being abused and needs means to get away then of course she needs to do what she can. But it's not the way to go in a healthy relationship.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:15

vezzie This is a marriage not a contract of employment.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 23:16

The OP doesn't want to leave though vezzie.

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