Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to over-rule DH over letting our kids take part in an activity.

127 replies

freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 15:55

Our girls are 11 and 7. They have been invited to take part in an activity which I really don't want them to do.

I'm not a stick in the mud, I let them do lots of things I'm not entirely comfortable with but this particular activity I really don't want them to do - I don't think it's particularly safe for children of their ages and I don't think theyre strong enough to get themselves out of trouble if anything happens. There will be back up but it's not enough for me.

DH wants them to do it. Kids aren't bothered either way.

We're currently going round in circles arguing about it

I usually go along with things as I know the girls will enjoy them and let them get on with it while watching through my hands with gritted teeth, but this activity really scares me and I 100% do not want them to take part so I've said no.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and he should also have a say. I do agree with him, and in all other areas we do discuss things and take a decision together, but we're never going to agree or come to a compromise on this one

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 08/09/2012 12:18

Do you think your dds would find it hard to say 'no' straight out, because their dad's so enthusiastic?

Ask your dh where's the harm in waiting until they're a bit bigger and stronger? Why should he be able to overrule the kids' feelings?

cory · 08/09/2012 12:24

Ask him how he will deal with it if one of the children is unable to carry on after 15 miles due to blisters/sunstroke/general fatigue?

Tanith · 08/09/2012 12:30

To he honest, I'd be seriously questioning your DH's judgement in even thinking this would be a suitable activity for a 7 year old - is he mad?!! Shock
I'd also be concerned about an 11 year old doing it, but if she were really keen, I might allow just her.

I think your compromise is in allowing the older girl to do it if she really wants to, but honesty I think she's probably not old enough either.

How old are the other kids? Is he really planning to take a load of 7-11 year olds on a 60 mile rowing trip across a busy shipping lane? The lifeboat crews are going to love him(!!)
If they're older teenagers, are they going to appreciate having to prop up a 7 and 11 year old?

OrangEyesDoMoreThanSee · 08/09/2012 12:34

Tanith I was going to put in that the coastguard would probably be just delighted to have to go pick them all up when it invariably went wrong

edam · 08/09/2012 13:14

Cory - cold enough to be life threatening unless you are rescued very quickly.

I think Orange is the voice of experience here and freddie should tell her husband: 'NO!'

Freddie, why is he so keen for them to do this, even though you are opposed and they aren't bothered?

bonhomiee · 08/09/2012 13:23

If you are not happy, dh should respect your opinion.. you should both say yes to it before it goes ahead.
Who is organising it and are they a safe company etc..or is it dh and a couple of friends?

Inertia · 08/09/2012 13:29

If he continues to try to push the children into doing this, and to push you into allowing it, I would probably be inclined to tell him that you will email / speak with the lead organisers directly to discuss your concerns and the safety plans. This will either put your mind at rest or clarify that they shouldn't go.

It's unlikely that the organisers will actually want to take along reluctant young children with a parent who refuses permission.

Tbh I think your husband needs to stop trying to force this, and just see it as a weekend to do his own hobby. The children can go another time.

bonhomiee · 08/09/2012 13:34

Just read the rest of the thread

Say NO and tell dh its not suitable for them.. let him get on with it.

cory · 08/09/2012 14:02

edam Sat 08-Sep-12 13:14:17
"Cory - cold enough to be life threatening unless you are rescued very quickly."

Oh dear and I was thinking of taking the family swimming again as we usually do in September. Shock

According to Wikipedia the mean sea temperature in Dorset in September is 16.7 C, so probably a bit warmer now at the beginning of the month (can't remember if the OP specified a date). This is the kind of temperature that would land you with hypothermia if you stay in for several hours. But it is also the kind of temperature in which I learnt to swim (through officially organised swimming classes) and in which both my dc/nephews and I took our swimming badges. Noone in my family ever suffered any ill effects.

Perhaps by "rescued very quickly" you mean within a few hours. I would have thought in the setting the OP described, rescue is likely to happen within minutes.

Still wouldn't advocate this trip as it seems likely to end up in bad temper and tears all round.

But am trying to sign up my 12yo (who wants to) for all year round rowing on Southampton Water - even in winter the mean temperature is only about 11C which would give him quite long enough to be picked up according to my reckoning.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 08/09/2012 14:42

Thanks!

It's not a big activity run as a big local event, it's just something that their particular group has done off their own bat if you see what I mean. It's not like an annual thing where lots of different people and groups take part with marshals and safety stuff all over the place

There are 120 kids in the group, ranging from 7 - 16, all are allowed to take part if they so wish. TBH, I think it should be more aimed at the 13+ really.

He does have a habit that if he goes on about it enough, we'll eventually get bored of hearing about it and agree to shut him up.

It's scheduled to take place the first weekend of the October half term

DH is a bit more gung-ho than I am about stuff like this than I am and can't see why I'm worried about it. I probably am being irrational, it probably will be safe, precautions are in place, a safety boat and life jackets and wetsuits, etc will all be used but I am just terrified by the thought of it. I've never put the kybosh on them before but I just can't bring myself to agree to it. Neither girl wants to do it so I wish he'd just give it a rest now

I think it's too big an event for them, rowing up and down the river - fine, 60 miles in open sea - not fine. It'll be exhausting, cold and wet. I am scared they'll get into trouble, DD2 isn't very brave with stuff like this and would be utterly petrified if she fell in even if she was picked up very quickly. DD1 isn't much better (although she probably wouldn't panic, she's learnt to capsize when kayaking, she'd still hate it).

I've suggested that DD1 can do the last day only if he leaves her alone and stops pressuring her to make up her own mind, as they'll be past Southampton (which was the bit that was really scaring me)

OP posts:
NCForNow · 08/09/2012 14:50

Make sure the lifejackets are the proper ones that keep heads above water...apparently there are some that don't.

Inertia · 08/09/2012 18:58

Why are you giving in to your husband's bullying, and why are you pushing your eldest daughter to give in to bullying as well?

The only one that wants to do this is your husband, and he already is doing it!

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2012 00:57

Surely they have made up their minds?
They don't want to do it. It's not like they're refusing to go for a walk in the park. If they're reluctant or scared they shouldn't be forced into it.

ravenAK · 09/09/2012 03:23

Agree, if the kids aren't keen that's an end of it. Far too strenuous an activity for anyone who doesn't actually want to be there!

I might be OK with the 11 year old going if she were keen. It'd be too much for my 8 year old ds, though; I'd be saying no to the 7 year old going.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 09/09/2012 05:19

Stop letting your husband bully your little girl. What's wrong with you? :(

Tanith · 09/09/2012 11:19

I'm afraid your last update would have me laying down the law. You are not at all being irrational.

My DH's uncle is a lifeboat crew member and has had many a furious rant about irresponsible idiots adults risking children at sea by pushing them beyond their limit.
He and his colleagues all too often end up risking their lives to save them.

edam · 09/09/2012 11:36

That's an interesting perspective, Tanith. Does your dh's uncle mean organised groups, as well as idiot parents just doing it on their own?

Guitargirl · 09/09/2012 12:04

YANBU and your DH sounds absolutely nuts. How you've described him reminds me of those Dads in the park who stand barking at their young DCs who have been encouraged to climb much too far up a tree and then get stuck.

60 miles rowing. I am struggling to think how anyone could have thought that this would be a suitable activity for a 7 year old.

Do you think it's because he's one of the organisers and he doesn't want to lose face or something if his own children don't participate? Or maybe he wants to show off a bit to the other parents that his 7 year old daughter is taking part?

Whatever the reasons, I still think he's barking and please don't allow yourself to be ground down into agreeing. Especially if your children don't even want to do it ffs! If nothing else, if something did go wrong and one (or both) of them ended up in the water, they would be likely to be put off for life.

Tanith · 09/09/2012 12:17

I think he does, Edam, although it is much more likely to be parents. It depends on how well organised and experienced is the group and how well they know that stretch of water.
He most often has to rescue adults who've been drinking.

If this group really is proposing to take children as young as 7 on a 60 mile open sea rowing trip in October, it sounds highly irresponsible to me.

quoteunquote · 09/09/2012 12:19

sounds like a well organised trip, my children do this sort of thing all the time, it's really good for them, let them go, why don't you go in one of the support boats and help out if you are worried.

edam · 09/09/2012 12:25

quote, did you read Tanith's posts?

Thanks Tanith, really useful information.

Kleinzeit · 09/09/2012 12:55

Tbh it doesn?t sound well organised. In the OPs place I wouldn?t just be worried about my own kids, I?d be quite worried about the whole thing.

Has anyone done a full risk assessment and really worked out what is needed to keep the trip safe given the large number of kids, the long distance and wide age range? Mid-teens looking after pre-teens in a potentially risky situation rings alarm bells for me, there must be enough adult back-up too. I?ve been on the board of a local charity that runs events for kids and believe me voluntary groups do have to do proper risk assessments. If they haven?t that is so unprofessional and so dangerous, and if anything went wrong ? even something quite minor ? the group could be in big trouble.

Even if they?ve crossed every t and dotted every i on safety, I?d still be inclined to tell DH to go along to the first trip by himself and see how it works out for the kids who do go, and if all?s well then maybe the kids will want to go along next year - after the wrinkles are ironed out Smile.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 09/09/2012 18:28

I'd let them do it on condition they had a full life jacket on.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 09/09/2012 18:30

I've just read your above post. If the kids will hate it then they shouldn't have to go at all.

kim147 · 09/09/2012 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.