to over-rule DH over letting our kids take part in an activity.

[freddiefrog]

Our girls are 11 and 7. They have been invited to take part in an activity which I really don't want them to do.

I'm not a stick in the mud, I let them do lots of things I'm not entirely comfortable with but this particular activity I really don't want them to do - I don't think it's particularly safe for children of their ages and I don't think theyre strong enough to get themselves out of trouble if anything happens. There will be back up but it's not enough for me.

DH wants them to do it. Kids aren't bothered either way.

We're currently going round in circles arguing about it

I usually go along with things as I know the girls will enjoy them and let them get on with it while watching through my hands with gritted teeth, but this activity really scares me and I 100% do not want them to take part so I've said no.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and he should also have a say. I do agree with him, and in all other areas we do discuss things and take a decision together, but we're never going to agree or come to a compromise on this one

Just to put another spanner in the works;

Our LA won't let parents help on on activities like this if their child is in the group. Their reason being that, if something went wrong, a parent may prioritise their own child's safety over that of others even if the others were in greater danger. This puts the other children at greater risk.

How would your DH feel if he had to decide which child to rescue first and it were complicated by the fact that one was his own?

Are many other children about the same age going, or just OP's children?

I am a bit worried about the number of posters saying parents should never insist on the kids being allowed to do something the other partner wasn't happy about.

I met a man in the summer who had never learnt to swim for that reason: his mother had a gut feeling that it was dangerous. The outcome has been that he really isn't as safe as other people his age: he visited us on an island this summer and there were obvious safety implications involved.

But in the present instance, and speaking from a lot of experience of water sports, I think 30 miles sounds far too much for a 7yo. I would only be happy for a child this age to do short stretches in a situation where s/he could opt out when s/he wanted to; otherwise it could end up a nightmare experience.

The 11yo, might be doable, but hard work. At this age, I was taking a boat out alone, I had very good judgment and was as capable of looking after it as any of the adults around. Though 30 miles still sounds like a lot.

Generally speaking I think it is a good idea to train children to deal with real situations outside the safe mandmade world of watersports centres: it will teach them judgment and make them safer in the long run.

But imho this sounds like too much, too soon.

They do sound quite young to row 30 miles a day especially the 7yo. Have rowed before?
Your DH sounds unreasonable and very pushy at that seeing as the dds are not too keen.
Id trust your gut. Mother's instinct and all that.

I would have thought 30 miles with predominant current would be quite feasible.
DS scout group did 7 miles one evening upriver, over < 2 hours.
Are they paired up with adults in the boats, must be, I'm sure.
I'd love my 11yos to go but my 7yos wouldn't be up to it mentally.

If your kids have said 'not really' to wanting to do it, to me that's a no from them, not 'not fussed either way'

I don't know why you got a hard time on the first page - I would have thought every parent has morbid or irrational fears when it comes to their children.

You allow your girls to do all sorts of exciting water activities so you are not mollycoddling them as you say. But this one thing is gnawing away at you and I get that. I know pretty much feck all about water sports but this does seem quite a trip for the younger one. I'd say no.

May I ask is your fear related to the dreadful incident in the papers recently? Sometimes we can't get these things out of our heads and they put the fear of God in us. On the whole we put those thoughts aside as we don't want our dc to pick up on our fears but sometimes it's too hard.

I also think people were being unnecessarily aggressive about you 'overruling' - of course one parent can overrule the other in occasional instances!

Given all that you have said YANBU in my opinion.

Thanks!

No, the Scottish tragedy happened after all this was first discussed so I don't think it's impacting on how I feel about it all.

They have rowed small distances. They've both canoed and rowed rowing boats in a river, and DD1 has done some sea kayaking, but only for an hour or so, nothing like what's being proposed here.

I would have been a bit more OK with it if it had been broken down into smaller sections - 10 miles each or something, but they're all expected to do the whole thing (I will suggest that to DH as a compromise but I'm not sure how feasible that is, getting different groups of kids to different stages along the coast, getting back to the shore, etc)

There's a big range of ages doing it, I think my DD2 at 7 will be one of the younger ones, up to 15/16. At the last discussion, all adults will be in the safety boat, with a mix up of ages in each rowing boat (each boat will have a 15/16 year old in with them, although TBH, I think that's still a big responsibility for someone of that age).

They do have weekly swimming lessons, but this whole watersports interest has been quite recent for both of them. They've grown up by the sea, but beyond a bit of paddling, they've never really wanted to do sailing/surfing/etc, until the last year or so (and I think the 7 year old only wants to as her big sister does it) so it's not like they've grown up messing around in boats

I really don't think I mollycoddle them (they're going tree climbing today - massive trees with abseiling type gear),they have a lot of fun and I don't stand in their way, but I just do not want them to do it. We've discussed it on and off for months, and I just can't make myself change my mind about it

I've offered to meet DH half way with the kids for the camping bit, but it's all or nothing with him. He's so blinkered about it, he won't see my point of view. He thinks the kids will change their minds

Thanks!

Yanbu if my children were doing an activity that one of us had concerns about then they wouldn't do it.

If the children don't actually want to do it, I don't see the point of him pushing them to go. It's the kind of thing that would be a great adventure for an enthusiastic determined kid who wanted to do it, but maybe just miserable for one who didn't really want to be there.

But if they did want to, I would say YANBU to feel anxious about it but you should not let those emotions override a sensible decision if it's rationally a safe activity (supervision, proper lifejackets etc).

Personally I think all day in a small boat will just bore an 11 and 7 year old to death.

I can't conceive either doing much actual rowing of a useful kind. They are just going to get cold and fed up.

Are you sure it's 30 miles, that sounds a really long way and rowing is very hard work.

I'd need far more details to judge health and Safety and given my 14yo hobby am probably not allowed to comment.

Yanbu. I wouldn't have that either. If they were BOTH 11 or 12 then yes...but 7 is too small.

Well if they´re not bothered-isn´t that the end of it?

diddl, well, I would have thought so but DH is like a dog with a bone about it.

I think they might well end up in a situation where they are totally tired out and fed up and would like to stop but there is too much pressure on them to keep going- and no practical way of stopping anyway.

I have plenty of experience of 7yos and 11yos out all day in small boats- it's what we do in my family- but that is in a family setting where you don't lose face in front of other people.

Never mind the life jackets, even the proper ones that keep your head out of the water. It's the cold that will be incredibly dangerous - that can get you very quickly.

Agree with the principle that if one parent is seriously opposed, the other parent has to give way. Especially as your children aren't really bothered.

Posted too soon, sorry.

Yes, it's definitely 30 miles a day, 60 in total, they're doing it over a weekend with an overnight camp in the middle

Wonder why he is so determined that they do it-especially if they don´t want to!

How cold is it in the sea along the South Coast atm, edam?

Have just been supervising my 9 and 10yo nephews doing their swimming badges in Swedish waters, temperatures between 16 and 19, distances up to 1500 metres, so took well over an hour to complete in choppy seas, didn't notice any adverse effects there.

But I do notice when we go swimming in the UK that we are usually the only ones in the sea not wearing wetsuits. Have often wondered if the same temperatures are somehow more dangerous in this country or (since my dc seem ok) for British metabolisms.

YANBU, but for a different reason.

The activity sounds well organised and perfectly safe.

However, 60miles in 2 days is a hell of a long way. Most adults would struggle to walk that, let alone row it. It sounds like it would be long, boring and cold, and the seond day would be absolute hell with blisters etc.

Can you name the event so we could have a look?

That's what I'm feeling too, ItsAllGoing. Have done similar walking events and you do get very tired by the start of the second day. If the girls were terribly keen it would be a different matter, but it doesn't sound like they are.

OK now you've given more detail I'm even more sure I'd say no to this. It's just too much imo.

The problem is persuading your husband. What would work better for you/him...a gently gently approach ie 'I'm sorry I know you really want to do this but I am off-the-scale anxious and I'm asking you this once to do this for me and understand how I feel' OR 'I am putting my foot down - I wouldn't usually say this but you are NOT taking the girls on this so they are not going'

YANBU YANBU YANBU

I would not let them. Especially the 7yo.

Rowing/Paddling at sea is vastly different to being on a river or sheltered bays. Weather conditions can turn extremely quickly and that is as you say a busy shipping zone.

I am 34(ish), I am an excellent strong swimmer in all conditions and I have been canoeing on rivers since I was 6yo, I have taken advanced canoeing and kayaking safety assessment as an instructor of age groups 11-24yrs.

60miles is (pardon the language) a FUCKING long way - as a fit active kayaker a few years ago I did 20 miles in a day (on a shallow calm river going with the current) and although able to do more was still very tired the next day. The year before that I did 15miles on a windy day on an exposed river and I couldn't move one shoulder for the next week. ANd at that point pre DC I paddled every week or two 10+ with and against the current.

Re the parenting they are both your children, you both get to make decisions but as someone says if one parent has good reason not to let them go then that is acceptable. The fact the children aren't that bothered means a) they won't mind and b) they won't have the sheer bloody determination to complete such an 'adventure'. When doing a long paddle you need your energy, then your reserves, then a gut determination of rock hard steel to complete.

"The problem is persuading your husband."

Shame he needs persuading if his daughters aren´t bothered.

Is he hoping that if he keeps on they´ll say yes?