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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to over-rule DH over letting our kids take part in an activity.

127 replies

freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 15:55

Our girls are 11 and 7. They have been invited to take part in an activity which I really don't want them to do.

I'm not a stick in the mud, I let them do lots of things I'm not entirely comfortable with but this particular activity I really don't want them to do - I don't think it's particularly safe for children of their ages and I don't think theyre strong enough to get themselves out of trouble if anything happens. There will be back up but it's not enough for me.

DH wants them to do it. Kids aren't bothered either way.

We're currently going round in circles arguing about it

I usually go along with things as I know the girls will enjoy them and let them get on with it while watching through my hands with gritted teeth, but this activity really scares me and I 100% do not want them to take part so I've said no.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and he should also have a say. I do agree with him, and in all other areas we do discuss things and take a decision together, but we're never going to agree or come to a compromise on this one

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/09/2012 16:17

Also

Over rule DH?
Are you the more important parent then? Hmm

kim147 · 07/09/2012 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 16:20

Of course not, he wants them to do it, I don't.

There's no compromise, they either do it or they don't.

Over rule is probably the wrong expression but one of us has to give in

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 16:22

They go through Southampton so they have to get past the cruise ships/IOW ferries/cargo ships, etc.

They're doing 30 miles, camping over night then doing the last 30 miles.

OP posts:
RaisinDEtre · 07/09/2012 16:24

I do think YABU but I can understand your unease, of course I can BUT it's an organised activity, with back up and trained staff

If it was DH and a mate, with no back up then I would say YANBU

I take it the children want to do it?

allcatsaregrey · 07/09/2012 16:25

There was an incident recently where three children drowned kayaking in a lake. All three were wearing lifejackets but apparently the type they were wearing did not hold their heads above water. there were a alot younger than your kids though. Maybe check what type of lifejackets they will be using?

Petsinmypudenda · 07/09/2012 16:25

It sounds really fun, I would let them go.
They will be wearing all the safety get up

Floralnomad · 07/09/2012 16:26

How many children are in each boat? Rowing 30 miles in a day seems a lot for quite young children. I'd let the children decide you'd have to be really keen to do that IMO

kim147 · 07/09/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 07/09/2012 16:30

Is a seven year old physically able to row 30 miles in a day Confused
Just my opinion but if DH was ever dead set against any of our children doing something, I'd not insist on them doing it. Even if I thought his reason was daft, I'd still respect the fact he felt that strongly about it. Especially if they weren't all that bothered about doing it anyway.
What reason does your DH have for wanting them to do it? Is he one of these supermacho outdoor types who can run up a mountain before breakfast and wants his children to be the same or something?
I don't see why he's digging his heels in, in the face of your obvious unease/dislike/outright worry about the plans Confused

Socknickingpixie · 07/09/2012 16:37

yanbu.

when it comes to things like this it shouldnt happen unless both parents are ok with it, most things im very flippant about but a few i think if one parent has very strong anti views about it then nope dont do it.

equally as such if he had very strong anti views (due to safety/disapline/religion) then he gets the decideing vote so to speak, this is because some things once done can change everything so both have to agree. its like if one parent smacks but the other really hates it then it shouldnt happen as in this case a inaction is less invasive than the actual action.

put it this way if they go and if something bad does happen it will be his fault you may wish to stab him (in a christian and loving way ofcourse) and he will be eaten up with guilt its the type of thing that can rip a marrige to shreads

if you genuinly hate the very thought of it rather than after thinking about it deciding your just being wimpy then nope they dont go.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 16:38

He's a volunteer at the group that is running it, so he wants his children to take part as well.

I just think that I let a lot of stuff go, and this is just 1 activity that I don't want them to he could accept that, I'd never insist the kids do something he was really worried about them doing.

The kids aren't even interested anyway

OP posts:
StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 07/09/2012 16:43

On the basis of the info you've provided it comes across as unreasonable initially, but hear me out!

You let your kids do challenging activities, but only in what you percieve as 'safe' environments. This is another challenging activity but you are perceiving it as 'not safe'. This sounds unreasonable to me because I'm not sure you are informed enough to make that judgement of safety? The activities they are participating in are organised, designed for children and hence will have been assessed or approved as appropriate and safe for children. Remember nice sheltered bays are also dangerous, the open water is just one factor, but there are many other ones to make the open water activity safe enough to be allowed to happen.

However if you have any concerns about the organisation running this event, then suddenly its a very different scenario, in which case you are right to question whether this particular activity is necessary, and your argument starts becoming more reasonable...

Given that your comments suggested the kids aren't that bothered - why is your DH so insistent? Is he being pushy/trying to live through their experiences? That adds further weight to it being a more reasonable argument that they shouldn't do it.

So I have ended up on the fence! On the face of it unreasonable, but if there are additional reasons in your circumstances then maybe you are being reasonable!!!!

Goldmandra · 07/09/2012 16:45

Would you insist on them doing something your DH felt was unsafe?

Whether people think the activity is safe or not isn't really the issue. This is about one parent wanting to do something with the children which the other parent feels uncomfortable about.

I think your DH should respect your wishes if this is a one-off and you would do the same for him.

Inertia · 07/09/2012 16:46

YANBU.

Bodyboarding, surfing and kayaking close to the shore in sheltered bays, with qualified instructors close by, is not the same as 7- year-olds rowing through major shipping channels in the open sea.

Added to that, the children are not even bothered about doing it. Your DH is the only one that's really keen, so why doesn't he do something similar himself ?

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/09/2012 16:46

Sounds like a hell of a long way for a 7 year old to paddle, and in open water as well. I wouldn't be happy about it all.

There will be other opportunities when they are older surely?

Inertia · 07/09/2012 16:48

Ah , cross posts- he's volunteering for the same trip. Doesn't mean he should force the children to participate in his hobbies when they don't actually want to.

Petsinmypudenda · 07/09/2012 16:51

Ah no sorry I didn't see the bit where you said they weren't bothered.If they don't want to go then yanbu

JustSpiro · 07/09/2012 16:55

I would have a less of a problem with the 11 yo doing it tbh, I would be having a bit of a hissy fit re the 7yo (I will add the rider here that I grew up with a very risk averse mum and go out of my way to not be like that with DD, although she is naturally a born wuss!).

If it's likely to be a regular thing, perhaps you could suggest waiting a year or two so they can improve their swimming skills and with the little one being older you would be happier about them taking part together?

pourmeanotherglass · 07/09/2012 16:57

30 miles does sound a very long way to row, especially 2 days running. I would want them to have rowed some shorter distances regularly before jumping in with a 60 mile marathon. I don't think I would want my 8 and 9 year olds trying something like this, unless I was sure there was enough backup for them to give up half way if they got tired.

foreverondiet · 07/09/2012 17:01

I think its fine provided wearing proper lifejackets (that keep head above water) and not just buoyancy aid jackets. Sounds like hard work for an 7 year old I'd be more worried by that.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 17:03

No, I'd never insist he let them do something he was genuinely worried about them doing.

I'd just like him to respect my wishes about this 1 thing.

This is the first time they've ever done it, it may become a yearly thing, and in future when they're older, if they wanted to do it, i'd consider it.

I'm also less worried about my 11 year old, she's a stronger swimming, physically bigger and stronger and a lot braver

I allow them to do the other watersports because they enjoy it and want to do it so we've made it as safe as we can by doing it with proper instructors in a proper watersports centre.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 07/09/2012 17:06

YABU I little I know you are feeling insecure about this but their dad wants them to do it you can't really over rule him, it sounds fun and adults will be there let it go is it because you want your husband to agree with you , just let them do it ,

akaemmafrost · 07/09/2012 17:07

No way and to be honest their Dad would never suggest it.

I agree that they're not strong or old enough to get themselves out of trouble.

I honestly don't understand this drive to get young kids doing potentially dangerous activities like this. Couple of years, they'll be stronger, have more stamina etc.

Mrsjay · 07/09/2012 17:09

Freddie who said yes/no first you or dad ?

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