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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to over-rule DH over letting our kids take part in an activity.

127 replies

freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 15:55

Our girls are 11 and 7. They have been invited to take part in an activity which I really don't want them to do.

I'm not a stick in the mud, I let them do lots of things I'm not entirely comfortable with but this particular activity I really don't want them to do - I don't think it's particularly safe for children of their ages and I don't think theyre strong enough to get themselves out of trouble if anything happens. There will be back up but it's not enough for me.

DH wants them to do it. Kids aren't bothered either way.

We're currently going round in circles arguing about it

I usually go along with things as I know the girls will enjoy them and let them get on with it while watching through my hands with gritted teeth, but this activity really scares me and I 100% do not want them to take part so I've said no.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable and he should also have a say. I do agree with him, and in all other areas we do discuss things and take a decision together, but we're never going to agree or come to a compromise on this one

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 07/09/2012 17:10

Yanbu

The 7 year old is too young, the 11 year old would perhaps be ok.

You don't sound particularly precious or cotton wool wrapping therefore if your instinct is saying no I would follow it bollocks to the practicalities.

Your DH is BU if there is no form for you blocking everything he should respect you this one time.

akaemmafrost · 07/09/2012 17:14

Oh forgot to add that ex would never suggest it because he pushed and pushed ds to go down a massive slide at a water park on the grounds that "he can swim only just he'll be fine!". In fact ds want fine he panicked when he got to the bottom, went under and had to be rescued by the life guard. We had a very long and shouty convo about ex getting more out of ds doing that than ds ever could at his age and lack of swimming ability. My in laws were same. "oh he'll love jet skiing, quad biking, go carting etc". No he WON'T, he's 7! He has coordination issues and hell be bloody scared. I do think a lot of adults forget how scary it is to be a little kid and think because THEY, the adult enjoy it then the kid will too.

joanofarchitrave · 07/09/2012 17:15

Can you talk more to someone at the organising organisation (?) about the location? That seems to be the crux for you?

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2012 17:15

If the children don't particularly want to do it I don't see why your DH is wanting them to do it anyway.

I would have thought a degree of enthusiasm would be good for that kind of activity.

And maybe suggest more swimming lessons?

RunnerHasbeen · 07/09/2012 17:18

Could you suggest that they actually learn to row a bit and take part in a year or two? If he is organising, he might be a wee bit offended that you think your feeling should overrule his knowledge of the risk assessment so I don't think you should take that approach. However I can't imagine that two young children who can't already row are going to enjoy 60 miles of it straight off, with no option of turning back. You could go along and watch a bit this year to see what it is like in terms of safety. What about you going on the trip as well, would you feel that was safer, if you were in the actual boat with them?

honeytea · 07/09/2012 17:25

I think if they can surf they can cope if they fall out of a boat. Surfing is alot more dangerous because you don't have a life jacket and you could get hit by the board/other people/other people's surf boards.

Solola · 07/09/2012 17:27

YANBU

The children aren't bothered so you are not letting them down. If either parent has concerns about the safety element then I think the other should respect that. They are still very young so have plenty of time ahead to do adventures of this kind once you think they are ready.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/09/2012 17:32

I'd want to know the ratio of adults to kids, and the number of accompanying adult boats/kids boats. If there is say 1 adult rescue boat for 10 kids boats, no I wouldn't be happy about that. i'd probably let the older DD do this, if the supervision is tight. They have life jackets, and I presume they know how they work, ie to keep them afloat (i mention this as I wanted to see how well they worked with my 2yo last weekend and I was shocked to see that he was able to force himself onto his front and therefore his face into the water, it didn't keep him on his back very well at all)

Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 17:43

Mrsjay he came home from a meeting and mentioned it, I asked for more info, he came home a couple of weeks later with a letter outlining the details, we discussed it, I said I didn't want them to do it, he said he did and it's been chundering on for weeks ever since. Kids were asked whether they wanted to do it, both looked a bit vague, shrugged and said 'not really' and we've been stuck in this loop ever since.

honeytea they wear bouyancy aids,not quite as good as life jackets but they're out with an instructor at all times and only his chest deep water, not open water

We won't know the ratios until we know how many kids are taking part, the sign up deadline isn't for a couple of weeks. There must be a minimum though I would have thought.

I'm sure I'm being irrational but I am utterly terrified about it. Given the kids don't want to do it anyway, I don't think I'm asking too much for him to accept my feelings about it. In a couple of years, yes.

OP posts:
honeytea · 07/09/2012 17:50

could you let your 11 year old go?

I was imagining surfing with waves, I'm not sure surfing with bouyancy aids in waist deep water is much fun, maybe it has put them off water sports.

I can see why your dp wants the kids to be involved in something he loves. I think it's a great oppertunity for them to have some fun time together :)

Mrsjay · 07/09/2012 17:55

theres your answer your children shrugged and said not really , I would go with what they want,

NoComparison · 07/09/2012 17:58

Is rowing 30 miles in a day even possible? How long will it take? That's a long bike ride!!!

If the DC really don't want to do it then they shouldn't. My concerns wouldn't be saftey particularly, more whether they are up to it, if they haven't done much rowing before. If they're exhausted after the first hour, they'll be miserable

Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 18:00

Honeytea, they do surf in waves. The instructor is in chest deep (to him) water, you just need waves to break, it doesn't have to be deep water.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiefrog · 07/09/2012 18:03

Sorry, xposts.

No, they're not interested so I don't quite understand why DH won't give it a rest. No one is stopping him going.

Tbh, I don't think either are strong enough to row 30 miles twice no.

OP posts:
honeytea · 07/09/2012 18:09

I was thinking the 7 year old was in water up to their waist. There were fairly strict guidlines about how far you have to be able to swim in all the places I have had surfing lessons, you had to be a fairly decent swimmer, I think maybe my experience wa s alittle more dangerous because rowing with a safety boat would be much safer then my experience of surfing/bodyboarding. We went surfing in june in 70 mile an hour winds, I was convinced they would not have lessons but they did and my brave crazy mum didn't think it was an issue.

golemmings · 07/09/2012 18:13

As an aside there is an annual canoe race from Devizes to Westminster which, for juniors takes place over 4 days on canal and the river Thames. Creeds paddle between 38 and 17 miles a day. They are not necessarily escorted by adults, but met regularly to be fed/encouraged. The minimum age is 15.
Afaics, the main differences are that kids doing the dw have to be self sufficient, and responsible for their kit but the water is sheltered. However, having seen how knackered these kids are at the end of the day I would imagine it would be very hard and probably unpleasant for a much younger child.

How much are they expected to row?

firsttimemama · 07/09/2012 18:19

They should not do it if you are not comfortable with end of. It should be the same if your DH felt that way. No harm will come to them by not doing it.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 18:30

If they don't really want to do it I doubt they'd be very motivated, and therefore are likely to find it a bit much. It sounds a bit much for children that age, to me.

I'd make that my argument. He shouldn't be pushing them into it.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 18:31

firsttime. I agree. No harm will come to them if they don't do it, especially if they don't want to do it.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 07/09/2012 18:37

Maybe he's insistent because he perceives your doubts as a slight on him. I think he's being unreasonable. As others have said, you let them do other potentially risky activities.

Tell him it won't be much fun for him if he's dealing with one or two exhausted moaning children and will potentially take him away from his responsibilty towards others in the group

holyfishnets · 07/09/2012 19:29

I wouldn't let mine do it unless it was with a registered educational outdoor activities center team who had done a full health and safety check and were fully insured.

Wheresthedamndog · 07/09/2012 20:09

I'd say the 7 year old is a bit young to be rowing 30 miles in the open sea....

What forms of compromise are there?

Your 11 year old goes in a boat rowed by your DH
They both do it next year or the year after, if ready
They don't do this but do do something else your DH would like, and you are comfortable with.

I'd think you need to know why he's so keen for them to do it and discuss it on that basis.

MoreBoober · 07/09/2012 20:50

Too much and they're too young. I'm an outdoorsie person so love some outdoor action but I also know when to trust my gut feel and back away. You have a bad gut feel go with it. The recent tragedy in Scotland is also fresh in mind. Ask him to trust you on this one.

servingwench · 07/09/2012 21:46

YANBU...I def wouldn't want my children doing it!

Haystack · 07/09/2012 22:31

My 7 yr old ds was with me in a sea kayak a fortnight ago we stayed close to shore and out of the busy shipping lanes (near Poole Harbour) and paddled the whole time - He loved it for an hour but was really tired afterwards despite me doing all the work! I think 30 miles a day sounds a very long way for that age and maybe unrealistic. It would probably very quickly become boring and exhausting for your children and consequently for your dh.

I hope you manage to reach a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe doing some practice sessions over shorter distances so they (and dh) know what they are signing themselves up to, and agreeing you will revisit the decision as to them taking part as they mature physically. Out of interest have you spoken to any of the other adult trip leaders? They may have experience of previous events and be able to give an unbiased view about young children taking part.

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