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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a sign of the times we live in.....

396 replies

MidWeekSlump · 05/09/2012 23:56

My daughter today was telling us about her new high school... lots of stories. Then we got to lunch, her friend gets free dinners, when they went to get dinner (which cost my daughter £2), her friend complained as she had to pay 20p extra to add to her lunch as hers is free.

She said her friend started arguing with the dinner ladies about her free dinner and being a single parent family, then went on to say she shouldn't have to pay for the drink.

My daughter said she thought her friend was being silly as it was a lovely meal for only 20p a day if she wants extras....

Am I wrong for feeling sad that my daughters friend at 11 is already pulling the whole "I'm entitled to it" attitude out of the bag????

OP posts:
SevenPoundsShirley · 06/09/2012 11:40

I can't believe children have to choose between water and a treat

People who pay for school dinners also have to make this choice FFS

AmberLeaf · 06/09/2012 11:47

being on benefits isn't as bad as some of you are making out the working poor really do have it much worse off

Being on benefits ^is6 as bad as some are 'making out'

The working poor do have it hard but that doesnt mean that those on benefits have an easy time!

Benefits jealousy always amazes me.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/09/2012 11:55

My ds's school operates a cashless system for school meals. Children have an account which has to be credited over the internet or by cash or cheque to the school, and they spend the money by using a fingerprint scanner.

Those children entitled to FSMs have their account credited by a certain amount, but I don't know how much or how much they have available each day. I know it's less than I tell my child he is allowed to use each day, but not by much. If I allowed him a smaller budget he certainly wouldn't starve, he woudo just have to make different choices.

In theory, he could spend £20 in one lunch time, but I'm assured the staff would query this if he tried it. He knows that if he goes over his budget then it will come out of his pocket money and he will have to make his own packed lunch from what is available at the time in our house. He has had this rule since he started, when he was 11 and two weeks old.

It's a good system, and there is no reason why children can't be made to budget and make choices according to their budget from the age of 11. The girl in the OP was simply being a brat.

tethersend · 06/09/2012 11:58

"If all pupils who receive fsm wanted to have a meal, snack and drink this would end up costing the school a fortune"

No, it would simply eat into the profits of the private company which makes and sells the food. We can't have that.

A better solution would be not to sell drinks at all and have only water available for all children, regardless of FSM.

But that would eat into the profits of the company, so will never ever happen.

TheBigJessie · 06/09/2012 11:59

Hey, I've just remembered something vaguely relevant from my childhood. When shop assistants find they have accidentally accepted foreign currency, some (not all) will try and palm it off on a customer. Children seem to be a popular target (presumably because they don't notice, or think they're not allowed to complain)! Probably not the only target of course. People with obvious eyesight problems, too, I expect.

SoSoMamanBebe · 06/09/2012 11:59

TheBigJessie, she is an entitled madam as she complained that she couldn't have more than the meal deal, which by the way sounds utterly reasonable.

bunnywhack · 06/09/2012 12:05

birdsgottafly Parents in England do not have to pay for school meals if they receive any of the following:
Income Support
income-based Jobseeker's Allowance
income-related Employment and Support Allowance
support under Part VI of the Immigration and Asylum Act 1999
the Guarantee element of State Pension Credit
Child Tax Credit, provided they are not entitled to Working Tax Credit and have an annual income (as assessed by HM Revenue & Customs) that does not exceed £16,190
Working Tax Credit 'run-on' - the payment someone may receive for a further four weeks after they stop qualifying for Working Tax Credit
from fsm qualifiers

amberleaf it isn't as bad and that's not benefit jealousy that's experience true it is getting worse and i admit i don't know as i havent had to live off them for a few years now People get by on them which is why they are provided you can feed everyone you can clothe them it won't be the best but you are fed dry and warm whilst you get back on your feet

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/09/2012 12:06

It would not be a better solution to only sell water at all. That might be better for some children, but if it's better for some and worse for others then is is certainly not fair.

AmberLeaf · 06/09/2012 12:07

My sons school have cashless catering.

They use a swipe card that can be topped up online or by putting it into a machine at school and feeding money into the machine.

Children on FSM have I think around £2 a day credited to their account.

Children whos parents pay for theirmeals can put any amount on the card but there is a daily spending cap of £5.

Theoretically children on FSM can also top up their cards so they can spend up to £5 a day but that doesnt happen much as its not affordable.

Despite the IMO good idea of cashless catering its still obvious who gets FSM and who doesnt.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 06/09/2012 12:08

SevenPoundShirley:

Well then IMO that's wrong for all the children and should be changed. I'm not from the UK, we don't have that system here.

The stories on this thread are heartbreaking :( Poor kids.

limitedperiodonly · 06/09/2012 12:09

bigjessie you've reminded me of something that happened to me. A driver gave me foreign coin he said to ask 'my mates' on the bus. Being an entitled little madam I argued and he threatened to turn me off.

He had a different attitude when my mum was waiting at the bus stop the next day.

imnotmymum · 06/09/2012 12:09

I thought the clue was in the name "free".

AmberLeaf · 06/09/2012 12:09

bunnywhack do you seriously think being on benefits is better than working on a low wage?

adeucalione · 06/09/2012 12:10

YANBU OP, and have been given an unfairly hard time I think.

Your DD's friend had a budget - as did every child in the queue I expect - but wanted to exceed it, without paying any extra herself.

It might be the case that the £2 limit hadn't been explained to her of course, but once it had been explained (by the dinner lady) then that should have been the end of it.

And to those vilifying OP's DD - you are making some pretty nasty judgements about her, when all she did was recount this story - as one of many first day stories - possibly because she was mortified and surprised by her friend's bad manners and argumentative inability to accept what she was being told; that she could choose a meal/drink/pudding or meal/pudding/snack/water, but that she couldn't keep choosing unlimited quantities of food without paying for it.

limitedperiodonly · 06/09/2012 12:11

I meant: when a driver gave me foreign coin he said to ask 'my mates' on the bus because he'd got it from one of them.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/09/2012 12:14

The blame lies entirely with the parent who told their child that their meal was free without bothering to tell them that they had to stick to a budget.it is also the parents fault that the child thought she could argue when another adult was forced to explain the system.

It's the parent that caused the problem and the embarrassment. Nothing else.

tethersend · 06/09/2012 12:16

" but if it's better for some and worse for others then is is certainly not fair."

Err- that's pretty much the definition of fair, actually.

TheBigJessie · 06/09/2012 12:17

Third-hand claim that she complained. The OP may be viewing this through a specially-tinted lens, searching for "entitlement".

An eleven year old girl picked up the same components as her friend, thinking it was free. Turned out it wasn't. Now, she definitely queried this, and the dinnerlady had to explain the system to her. Her friend, the OP's daughter, presumably thought it was all a bit of a scene, and was embarrassed. However, that's not the same thing as the friend being an entitled madam. It's in the way that you ask about something. For example, there are two groups of people that annoy me at restaurants. People who will not query anything at all, but pay it without question, and never go back to the restaurant. Two: people who get all aggressive and outraged about anything.

There's a middle ground. However, if you belong to the first type mentioned above, you will find any kind of querying tremendously embarrassing!

imnotmymum · 06/09/2012 12:19

TheBigJessie-that is true as a Mother of 2 teen girls they do like to generate a bit of overhype of stories!!

TheBigJessie · 06/09/2012 12:19

And that's not a criticism of the OP's daughter. She's 11 and may have been brought up that way so far!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/09/2012 12:23

How is it fair that a child can't have juice if they want it when they have the money there to pay for it?

It's not fair at all that some children should have something taken away from them for the sake of others who are already getting what they need.

bunnywhack · 06/09/2012 12:24

sorry for tangent here
amberleafa full time job at minimum wage pays 243.2 before tax you would still get ctc and about 50 wtc and some hb however the rest of your rent and council tax plus school dinners would have to be paid for the problems truely arise when you go up the scale a bit more and you are earning just above the threshold as you lose all help and have to pay for all rent council tax these are the people using food banks etc

wordfactory · 06/09/2012 12:25

I agree that one person's query is anohter erson's argument. And that teens can be mortified by anyhting seen as making a fuss.

But I think the girl in question mentioning her Mum was a single parent makes it sound as if she went a little far...

Original poster
MidWeekSlump · 06/09/2012 12:26

The child in question was not being denied a drink at all - there was water available to anyone. The option is a flavoured drink or the extra snack. I do wish people had read my posts before attacking me and my 11 year old so viciously. Lovely bunch......

Neither is the child having one hot meal a day and living in poverty - I know the family well.

So those people who think I am being mean by suggesting the child has to stick to the guidelines of what is a meal - would you suggest children on free school means have no limits on their choices??? So as not to alienate them?? Should we perhaps be offering them whatever they would like from the menu just so as they do not have to suffer by not getting everything they want???? Where shall we draw the line??? 3 desserts?

Thank you to those who understood the meal deal description, took the time to discuss like rational people and did not choose just to abuse myself and my daughter for being evil benefit haters.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 06/09/2012 12:26

The blame lies entirely with the parent who told their child that their meal was free without bothering to tell them that they had to stick to a budget

Not necessarily.

Free meals at primary mean exactly that the meal is free and everyone gets the same.

How is the mother to know that it doesn't necessarily work like that at secondary school?