Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to come to bed at the same time as me?

132 replies

loveroflife · 05/09/2012 10:20

I like to be in bed ready to go to sleep by 11pm to get up with ds at 7am. I NEED my 8 hours, I am god awful without it. However, DH never comes to bed before 12.30am, it really is making me very tired and grumpy.

He says 11pm is too early for him (he gets up at 6.30am) and doesn't need as much sleep as I do. I can't go to sleep before him though as he keeps me awake banging about, lights, brushing teeth etc. Our ds is in the other room and the sofa is not suitable for him to sleep on so these are not options! He is only watching tv, but argues it's his 'down time' and doesn't want to go to bed so early.

I really can't sleep until we are both in bed together, have tried to fall asleep before he comes to bed, but even if I do he wakes me up again.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 05/09/2012 13:36

Why are people still saying "so much noise"?
The op outlined his activities which included such noisy pursuits as turning OFF the tv, putting a cup in the dishwasher, getting undressed, brushing his teeth and having a piss. None of which are exactly excessive.
The only truly noisy act is down to their electrics and the extractor fan rather than her husband.
He's hardly kicking pots and pans around the flat.
Op yabu

Noqontrol · 05/09/2012 13:48

I think you are being unreasonable. I couldn't go to bed before 12.30, and I would be very resentful if someone tried to make me. Dh goes to bed at 11pm. I creep in quietly using the torch off my phone so I don't wake him. It rarely causes a problem.

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 13:52

I creep in quietly using the torch off my phone so I don't wake him

But the OP's husband doesn't, does he? I doubt she'd be bothered about the difference in bed time if she wasn't knackered from being woken up every night.

Noqontrol · 05/09/2012 13:59

He's only doing normal things like brushing his teeth and using the loo though. Surely a compromise can be reached on doing those things more quietly. Asking someone to go to bed so early (for them) isn't a compromise at all.

FunnysInLaJardin · 05/09/2012 14:03

YABU I'm afraid. I go to bed after DH, usually by an hour or half an hour. DH listens to talking books every night in bed and is always sound asleep by the time I go up. I like to have a bit of down time on my own before bed. I would hate being made to go to bed at the same time as DH

alienreflux · 05/09/2012 15:12

my oh tries to get me to go to bed at the same time as him,and i do feel bad,but even if i'm tired, i desperately want to be on my own for an hour. might sound odd, but that's the only time i get by myself,and i treasure it. i love the peace. i make sure we are in bed at the same time a couple of times a week Wink but that's me compromised out!

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 05/09/2012 15:19

I would have to kill oh if we went to bed at the same time
It's the only peace I get.
And I need to be asleep before he comes up or I would never get to sleep.
Your oh needs to be considerate but he doesn't have to go to bed when you tell him.

Mrsjay · 05/09/2012 15:21

I go to bed before DH on purpose I like to watch a bit of telly or read or just go to sleep without him urm erm bothering me Wink OP just go to bed and go to sleep why get ear plugs or just throw something at him if he makes to much noise , yuabu you can't tell a grown man when it is bedtime,

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 15:22

The issue isn't really what time he goes to bed, but the noise he makes while he's still up. Surely it's just common courtesy to be quieter at that time of night, especially when others are in bed?

LadyInDisguise · 05/09/2012 15:25

YANBU because he should be much more considerate to your need to sleep more than him.

If he doesn't want to sleep at that time, it's his choice but atm he is forcing you to make the same choice (by default) which is an unacceptable than forcing him to go to bed at 10.30 when he is not tired.

Saying 10.30 is early Shock, let alone 12.30 as a decent time to go to sleep.
Everyone has different needs. I am never in bed after 10.00pm, atm it's 9.00pm because I am tired. I would very Angry indeed if I couldn't do that because my DH was waking me up.
As it happens, he is very careful, doesn't switch the lights on, has everything ready before I go to bed so he doesn't wake me up etc...

Also, by experience, I know that my sleep is lighter when I expect to be woken up. So if I knew my my DP was going to make some noise, I wouldn't be sleeping as soundly which means that I would be even more sensitive to any noise he makes. Chicken and egg situation which prob doesn't help the OP.

I think your DH needs to remember that lack of sleep is a form of torture.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 05/09/2012 15:42

the only issue i have with different bedtimes is DP has conversations with me when he comes to bed 2 hours later which i don't remember in the morning.

StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 05/09/2012 16:08

realise its a bit of a vent type of thread - but really surely the answer is a good chat and compromise on both sides...

Possible options - you both get ready for bed at same time, get the noisy stuff out of way, so he can creep in quietly when he's ready, gently gets into bed (possibly have separate duvets) and you have earplugs/maybe go to bed earlier so you aren't stirred from your deep sleep.
Or he gets into bed with you but can watch tv with headphones, read book, play computer games to wind down, and you use earplugs/eye mask to fall to sleep.

Both of you can aim to adjust your behaviours. It is possible to gradually go from being a light sleeper to a deep sleeper with time, and he could readjust slowly from needing 6 hours to being able to sleep for longer, but it requires effort from both of you - to want to make the change and to be patient with the other person...

And as for TTC - surely its going to be more fun and enjoyable if both of you are happy with how you've dealt with this issue, rather than 1 of you is percieved to have 'won' this little battle. [And I find that a bit of raunchiness is the best way to persuade DP to come to bed earlier than he would normally go!!!]

nickelcognito · 05/09/2012 16:11

I'm going to go with YANBU actually.

my ex used to do this - come to bed 2 hours after I'd gone to bed, and it was fucking annoying.

it's okay once in a while, but every single night gets very grating, especially as he'd wake me up with his clattering about, turning lights on etc.

and if he was horny, he'd wake me up and pester me for sex Hmm

not suggesting that your DH would consider doing this OP, but it's brought it all flooding back!

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/09/2012 16:19

I'm just glad I don't have a partner anymore.
Who'd have thought bedtime could be such a minefield.
When I was married, sometimes ex would go earlier, sometimes me. The same in the mornings. We just tried not to disturb each other and it worked out fine.
No way would I live with anyone who dictated when I went to bed.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 05/09/2012 17:12

YABU

I would be beyond pissed off if my DH demanded I went to bed when he did (not that he ever would)

He should be as quiet as he can so he disturbs you as little as possible, but beyond that he isn't doing anything wrong by staying up and it would be very unreasonable to treat him like a naughty child because of it

Jux · 05/09/2012 17:35

I used to live on Kennington Road, an incredibly busy road, with lorries going by all night and day, not to mention drunks, motorbikes, sirens etc. It took me 3 weeks to get used to it and sleep through it.

I have also lived in a flat which backed onto a railway line where the first train went through at 6.30am and they came every 30 mins until midnight ish. The building was so old and badly maintained that as each train went by the windows rattled themselves open noisily and then the street sounds and noise from other houses would sail in too. I slept through everything within a week.

DH can't sleep through anything. It's because he doesn't actually want to and doesn't see why he should (his is a perfect world and he gets very cross if reality doesn't match). As a result he can't sleep unless everything is absolutely right and perfect. However, he always switched the light on, banged into the bed, swore, dropped things, flusedh the loo, asked me questions and so on, whenever he came to bed, regardless of whether I was asleep or not.

Lolwhut · 05/09/2012 17:44

YABU . If you realise this and decide it does NOT annoy you you will probably find that he doesn't wake you up when he comes to bed.

Sorry if this has already been said but I haven't read all the post.

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 21:20

let's see how we get on tonight, he's promised an 11.30 bed time......

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 05/09/2012 21:31

Right.
Will you ground him if he is late?

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 22:03

Well obviously yes and then swiftly divorce him.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 05/09/2012 22:08

DP tried huffing that I came to bed later than he did. I offered to sleep in another room and he shut up pronto.

It's unreasonable if he's making lots of noise but really not fair on him to force him to go to bed when he doesn't want to.

Wheresthedamndog · 05/09/2012 22:13

Is he a bit of an introvert? Maybe he needs some down time by himself in the evening.....I do.

Sorry to say but I think it boils down to adults needing to choose their own bedtime. But, to be considerate of others. If he's waking you up, he needs to change that - or at the very least you need the earplugs.

fuckwittery · 05/09/2012 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eslteacher · 05/09/2012 22:55

I think YABU, but it kind of depends on how much effort he is making to be quiet when he comes to bed, and how long it takes you to get back to sleep again after waking up.

I wish my DP came to bed at the same time as me more often. I generally go to bed around midnight, he often doesn't come until 2 or 3am! We get up at the same time, he just doesn't need much sleep and never has done. But I rarely wake up any more when he comes to bed, that's not the problem. It's just that I like to be spooned as I drift off to sleep ;-

Seriously though, earplugs are great. I used them for years. You can still hear muffled background noises, but you are much less likely to wake up from said noises once you're asleep, if you see what I mean. And you can definitely still hear the alarm in the morning, since it's a loud shrieking noise nexy to your ear. You may just need to set the volume a bit louder than usual.

DrCoconut · 05/09/2012 23:07

DH goes to bed very early and needs loads of sleep. I have to can manage on far less and do. If I went to bed at 21:30 I'd never get anything I like done having got in at 18:00 and done tea, clearing up, homework with DS1, getting DS2 to bed etc etc. I like to have some time to catch up on my sky+ stuff, sew etc if I feel like it.