To want DH to come to bed at the same time as me?

[loveroflife]

I like to be in bed ready to go to sleep by 11pm to get up with ds at 7am. I NEED my 8 hours, I am god awful without it. However, DH never comes to bed before 12.30am, it really is making me very tired and grumpy.

He says 11pm is too early for him (he gets up at 6.30am) and doesn't need as much sleep as I do. I can't go to sleep before him though as he keeps me awake banging about, lights, brushing teeth etc. Our ds is in the other room and the sofa is not suitable for him to sleep on so these are not options! He is only watching tv, but argues it's his 'down time' and doesn't want to go to bed so early.

I really can't sleep until we are both in bed together, have tried to fall asleep before he comes to bed, but even if I do he wakes me up again.

AIBU?

YABU to tell him when to go to bed, but YANBU to be annoyed at losing sleep you need because he's making too much noise.

Can you compromise? He stays up 'til whenever he wants but does his noisy getting ready for bed stuff when you go up?

It's so annoying though, it drives me mad. If I get earplugs I won't be able to hear the alarm though will I?

Yes you will still hear the alarm, assuming it's right next to your bed, they will just stop you being disturbed when you've first gone to sleep.

I use these:

www.boots.com/en/Boots-Pharmaceuticals-Muffle-Wax-Earplugs-5-Pairs-_1129526/

If I was you, I'd start going to bed even earlier, more like 10pm, this means you're more likely to be in a deeper sleep when he comes to bed and the noise won't bother you as much. Plus drum it into him he's not to disturb you when he comes to bed. (It also might lead to him coming to bed earlier, as he'll have his 'alone time' from earlier)

Get ear plugs, you don't need to hear the alarm if he gets up before you anyway, he just has to make sure he wakes you up.

YABU. Doesn't the going to bed together novelty wear off after a few months? I'd rather be asleep before DH comes up to bed. The times we do go to bed together I end up staying awake for hours listening to his snoring.

How loud is his tooth brushing?

I have this mental image of you being married to a walrus

I'm surprised there is so little sympathy with OP on this one really. I think going to bed at 12.30 when you have to get up by 7.00am is actually quite late. If either my DH or I fancy an early night ( he gets up at 6.00 so likes to be in bed by 11.00) we just say and the one who is staying up late to read or whatever just puts their PJs in the bathroom and gets changed in there and just slips into bed. Surely its just a common courtesy between people who live together isn't it to respect the fact that people need differing levels of sleep?

Can you have a nightlight on so he can see and so then won't bump into things.

He could get changed in the bathroom.

He could use a torch.

You could get used to going to bed alone.

He could be more considerate when he does come to bed.

You could have ds in your room and dh in his room.

There are lots of alternatives. You just both need to be willing to change things a bit.

If he gets up half an hour before you he can wake you up instead of the alarm so ear plugs might work.

How about a compromise where he comes up with you and brushes his teeth/gets changed etc and then goes back downstairs. At least then when he does come up he just has to slip quietly into bed.

Yabu and choceyes What do you mean your DH "Wants you in bed by 10.30"

Am gobsmacked at all these adults letting themselves be told when bedtime is!

I think going to bed at 12.30 when you have to get up by 7.00am is actually quite late

You might think that, school, but he obviously doesn't need as much sleep. I can cope on a lot less than this during the week.

Agreed though that he seems to be inconsiderate - he's making so much noise it's disturbing his wife every single night.

So there's two issues:

• you are unreasonable to expect him to go to bed at the same time as you
• you are not unreasonable to be annoyed at him making so much noise

How is everything else though, OP? What does he say when you ask him to be a quieter at bedtime?

We have a small 2 bed flat so getting ready downstairs is sadly not an option. I can hear EVERYTHING, him turning the tv off, putting the cup in dishwasher, especially as the rest of the flat is so quiet. He uses our bathroom as the other one is next to ds's room and has the noisest extractor fan. Also, all our toiletries are in our bathroom so that makes it ten times worse, not only do I have him banging about in the bedroom taking all his clothes off, emptying his pockets, then the bathroom light goes on, water runs, toilet flushes...

Am agog at 10.30 being an early night

I've been asleep half an hour by then

Oh you poor thing - we usually go to bed together, but when I go earlier I'm exactly the same as you - can't go to sleep because I'm anticipating being disturbed. Don't think earplugs would help really, it's not so much the noise, it's more knowing you're not in proper shutdown mode yet. But you can't tell him when to sleep...not sure what to suggest, but I very much sympathise!

YANBU to ask him to be quieter if he's making unnecessary noise, but things like taking his clothes off (don't most people do this when they go to bed ), flushing the loo, running water etc don't sound excessive!

YABU to tell him when to go to bed. Try earplugs, and in your next house make sure you have separate bedrooms :)

And what does he say, OP, when you ask him to be a bit quieter? Surely he can do all his prep before 11pm?

He wants me to be in bed by 10.30 which is not really a problem

I'm a bit speechless at how you do not think this is a problem, choc.

So really the problem lies with where you're living rather than your DH himself?

If there's anything he can do to keep the noise down then he should.

But realistically if there isn't, you'll just have to go with the earplugs option.

Everything else is lovely apart from that, he's wonderful and we are very close. I couldn't ask for a better DH. We both really want ttc dc2 which the late nights are making it even harder to do....I would be a zombie in the morning if that happened every night at 12.30am onwards.....

Oh and I wouldn't brush my teeth before 11pm if I wasn't going to bed until 12.30am, because then I couldn't eat/drink anything.

Babies can be conceived at other times of the day/evening you know!

Yabu but I feel your pain. Dp wakes me.up without fail when he comes to bed at stupid o'clock. I have asked him to be quieter but I am such a light sleeper even him getting into the bed would wake me.

I get my revenge when it gets to much by accidentally waking him when I am feeding the baby twice it three times a night!

"So really the problem lies with where you're living rather than your DH himself?"

We've no plans to move Worra, so he has to be more considerate. He is noisy. I've asked him lots of time to do all his getting ready at 10.30 and then go back and watch TV and sneak in at 12.30 but it never happens.

"Babies can be conceived at other times of the day/evening you know!"

I know, but in the morning it's too rushed and bed time is best....