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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to come to bed at the same time as me?

132 replies

loveroflife · 05/09/2012 10:20

I like to be in bed ready to go to sleep by 11pm to get up with ds at 7am. I NEED my 8 hours, I am god awful without it. However, DH never comes to bed before 12.30am, it really is making me very tired and grumpy.

He says 11pm is too early for him (he gets up at 6.30am) and doesn't need as much sleep as I do. I can't go to sleep before him though as he keeps me awake banging about, lights, brushing teeth etc. Our ds is in the other room and the sofa is not suitable for him to sleep on so these are not options! He is only watching tv, but argues it's his 'down time' and doesn't want to go to bed so early.

I really can't sleep until we are both in bed together, have tried to fall asleep before he comes to bed, but even if I do he wakes me up again.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:01

I have the same problem with my DP but I wouldn't dictate when he came to bed. How awful would it be having to lie there awake because you've made him?

You're very me me me I'm afraid OP

DontmindifIdo · 05/09/2012 11:03

I honestly think you are leaving it too late to go to bed too if you are woken by him getting up at 6:30am - try going to bed at 10pm for a week with ear plugs, tell him he has to wake you in the morning. It might help.

Rachog · 05/09/2012 11:04

When we want to have sex at night, dp comes to bed earlier with me, we have our fun and then have a little cuddle, I drop off and dp goes back downstairs. I actually sleep better then too.

ClippedPhoenix · 05/09/2012 11:04

This, snoring and coughing is why when my DP and I eventually move in to together (waiting for both sets of children to have flown our respective nests) we're going to have separate rooms Grin true though! All manner of problems solved then.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:04

And we're currently living in ONE ROOM! So I put up with him watching tv, playing on his mac, etc.

I do it because I need an early night sometimes but I know he doesn't and it's his down time. It wouldn't be fair. I am going to get some ear plugs though.

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 05/09/2012 11:06

My DH gets up at 4:30 so he goes to bed by 10pm at the latest. If he ever told me I had to lay next to him in the dark at 10pm when I am not bloody tired I would feel compelled to accidentally kick him somewhere quite painful whilst I was laying in the dark.

Sorry I know that's no help but I can't actually believe there are husbands and wives who think its ok to dictate what time an adult goes to bed.

WorraLiberty · 05/09/2012 11:06

I meant you don't have to shag in bed if you have a couch in the lounge Blush

I think a compromise is needed here

You should wear earplugs and he should stop flushing the toilet unless he's had a crap. Also, you could try a very dim light bulb in the loo perhaps?

ByTheWay1 · 05/09/2012 11:07

We solved the disparate bedtimes thing by me "snoozing" on the sofa then going off to bed at the same time - around midnight (I brush my teeth before snoozing, so I just go up to bed, don't really wake up) but then again I have been known to sleep standing upright - on a train - my head hits the pillow and I am gonnnnnnnnnnnnne.....

Megatron · 05/09/2012 11:07

I would be mightily pissed off if DH tried to tell me what time to go to bed at, being an adult and all that. I go to bed at about half ten because it suits me, he goes to bed at whatever time suits him.

Ask him to be more quiet and buy some earplugs. He can always wake you when he gets up if you are concerned about missing your alarm.

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 11:07

"You're very me me me I'm afraid OP"

That's not fair and I've already outlined how not having enough sleep impacts me the next day. So I'll just be really knackered, grumpy and not concentrate properly every day and put up with feeling like shit because I'm not allowed to ask someone to come to bed earlier.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 05/09/2012 11:07

Does he know you want him to come to bed earlier for sex? Maybe you need to give him a hint? Wink

Malificence · 05/09/2012 11:08

YANBU - there is nothing worse than trying to sleep in an empty bed with your partner downstairs, when DH used to work shifts and DD was still at school, he would stay up till at least midnight, I'd go to bed at around 10, fall asleep ok but then wake with a jump and be absolutely furious that he still wasn't in bed.
I don't know how anyone can manage on only 6 hours of sleep when they are working, we go to bed at 10ish, DH is up at 6, I'm up at 7, I couldn't function on less than that amount of sleep, it's certainly not healthy long term.

Anonymumous · 05/09/2012 11:08

Surreptitiously put a lock on the bedroom door when DH is out. If he bangs about in the bathroom at 12.30 a.m. and wakes you up, get up and lock him out of the room so he has to sleep on the sofa. That should get the message over fairly speedily!

I sympathise with you - I get really ill if I don't get enough sleep. My Mum and Dad are totally incompatible on this issue - he goes to bed at 10.30 p.m. and she goes to bed at 2.30 a.m. I have always found this really weird, and even more so since getting married myself. I love going to bed WITH my hubby, not lying in the dark on my own for hours!

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:09

There you go again, me me me!

What about how he feels? Id feel very bitter about the fact he can't have free time at night because you 'need' him to go to bed.

Like people have said, you need to compromise. You get ear plugs, he is as quiet as possible. That's the best you can both do

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 11:10

Add message | Report | Message poster GhostShip Wed 05-Sep-12 11:04:48
And we're currently living in ONE ROOM! So I put up with him watching tv, playing on his mac, etc.

I do it because I need an early night sometimes but I know he doesn't and it's his down time. It wouldn't be fair. I am going to get some ear plugs though.

He sounds very me me me!

OP posts:
GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:10

anon so you'd prefer your partner who isn't tired to lie in bed with you whilst you sleep? And locking him out of the room, wtf!

I'm glad me and my DP compromise.

Malificence · 05/09/2012 11:11

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to come to bed at the same time as you ( shift work permitting) .
You don't have to "lie still in the dark" while your partner sleeps, you can read / watch tv with earphones etc.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:11

lover no he isn't. We compromise. If I wanted him to come to bed he would. But I don't because I appreciate he wants time and isn't tired. Why would I force him to sleep?

ceeveebee · 05/09/2012 11:11

I am just like your DH, I can't go to bed before midnight, if I do I just end up awake staring at the ceiling. I only need 6 hours a night. DH goes to bed at 10, 10.30 which is far too early for me. But I turn the tv down, am very quiet when I come to bed, and I use my phone as a torch in the bedroom.
Oh and we have sex before DH goes to bed, either in livibg room floor or in bed, or first thing in the morning

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 11:12

As well as the ear plugs, get a face mask. Solves the light problem too.

So I'll just be really knackered, grumpy and not concentrate properly every day and put up with feeling like shit because I'm not allowed to ask someone to come to bed earlier

That isn't the problem though, I refuse to believe he has to make so much noise! Clean his teeth in the kitchen sink, have a piss in the other bathroom (don't flush), get undressed in the kitchen, slip into bed. Why does he find that so difficult?

be absolutely furious that he still wasn't in bed

Why, though?

sleepyhead · 05/09/2012 11:12

YANBU to want him to be quiet. Him getting ready for bed at 10.30 and then staying up later is a good compromise.

YABU to want him to just come to bed before he's ready though (although I sympathise with the ttc and that's a special case). It takes me ages to get to sleep, and much longer if I go to bed before I'm ready. Dh is the same as you and says he doesn't sleep properly until I'm in bed, but the alternative is me lying awake staring at the ceiling for 2 hours.

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 11:12

There you go again, me me me!

What about how he feels? Id feel very bitter about the fact he can't have free time at night because you 'need' him to go to bed.

Like people have said, you need to compromise. You get ear plugs, he is as quiet as possible. That's the best you can both do

No I'm not Ghost. I'm explaining how it makes me feel, what your saying is it's not fair for me to ask him to come to bed early. Why not? You say I sound me me me, you sound a walk over if you want to go to bed early, but you don't say anything 'because it''s not fair to your OP!'.

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 05/09/2012 11:14

Malificence DH would not be happy if I lay next to him watching tv or reading while he tried to sleep, it would just keep him awake.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 05/09/2012 11:16

Oh this could be my DP, loveroflife.

I used to think it was a bit immature of him to want to stay up late every night, like some big kid who wouldn't go to bed. But everyone is right, he is an adult and can go to bed when he wants.

The only problem is he falls asleep on the couch most nights and wakes up with a sore neck at about 4am :)

Anyway it is something we have gotten used to, I go to bed and get what I call a "head start" so I'm not kept awake by his snoring when he finally does come in.

sleepyhead · 05/09/2012 11:16

Nope, no watching tv, being on the Internet on phone or reading here either. It disturbs dh so I do these things next door. I do also get ready for bed making as little noise as possible, and get undressed etc in the bathroom.