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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to come to bed at the same time as me?

132 replies

loveroflife · 05/09/2012 10:20

I like to be in bed ready to go to sleep by 11pm to get up with ds at 7am. I NEED my 8 hours, I am god awful without it. However, DH never comes to bed before 12.30am, it really is making me very tired and grumpy.

He says 11pm is too early for him (he gets up at 6.30am) and doesn't need as much sleep as I do. I can't go to sleep before him though as he keeps me awake banging about, lights, brushing teeth etc. Our ds is in the other room and the sofa is not suitable for him to sleep on so these are not options! He is only watching tv, but argues it's his 'down time' and doesn't want to go to bed so early.

I really can't sleep until we are both in bed together, have tried to fall asleep before he comes to bed, but even if I do he wakes me up again.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/09/2012 11:17

Furious that your DH isn't in bed?

Really??

Fucking hell...I now have an image of a small child in his Star Trek jim jams being scolded Grin

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 11:17

I don't know how anyone can manage on only 6 hours of sleep when they are working

That's my life, partly choice, partly lifestyle, partly work. At home I will aim to be asleep by midnight, up at 6.30. When travelling, I may not get to the hotel till midnight, need a bit of time to wind down, may be able to get up a little later depending on what's happening the following day.

I manage fine, different people need different amounts of rest.

A lot of it depends on the age of your children too, when mine were younger I had to be asleep by 10 as I was shattered. Now they are all teenagers, it's much less physically tiring and I can enjoy my evenings for longer.

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 11:19

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Sep-12 11:17:02
Furious that your DH isn't in bed?

Really??

Fucking hell...I now have an image of a small child in his Star Trek jim jams being scolded

I didn't actually say that and his jim jams are in fact Star Wars.....

OP posts:
Anonymumous · 05/09/2012 11:19

Well no, GhostShip, we tend to sit together until one of us says, "I'm knackered, let's go to bed" and then we both go to bed. Occasionally I will be so tired that I will go up without him, but not often.

The locking him out thing was only a suggestion to get OP's DH to be more quiet - he's obviously not paying too much attention so far! We don't even have a lock on our bedroom door, so it's not something I've done to my DH. But then I don't need to, because he is considerate.

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 05/09/2012 11:21

I'm struggling with why people need their OH in bed to fall asleep, to the point they are furious. I'm really baffled. What if your OH goes away for a night? Do you literally not sleep?

BrainSurgeon · 05/09/2012 11:23

Peace and love everyone.... no need to get irritated or sweary.... lighthearted and constructive perhaps?

Original poster
loveroflife · 05/09/2012 11:24

I suppose it depends on how easily people can fall asleep without being disturbed. If you can, wonderful, if not, the DH/DW should compromise, just like we all compromise in relationships. As I said before sleep deprivation for those who need it is an absolute killer.

OP posts:
Minty82 · 05/09/2012 11:24

How is she being me me me? She's letting off a bit of steam about something that pisses her off, to a bunch of strangers on the internet! It would be a bit pointless if it was all about her husband's feelings...

Dropdeadfred · 05/09/2012 11:25

If he's so lovely etc why isn't he being quiet for you??

BuntCadger · 05/09/2012 11:27

I much prefer dh not being in the bed Grin

choceyes · 05/09/2012 11:27

I meant to say that yes dh wants to be in bed by 10.30 send lights off at 11. He doesn't like it when I'm not in bed by 11. It is fine with me as he does get up (quietly) earlier than me at 6.30 and then wakes me up at 7.00 and he gets both dcs dressed while I have a shower and get dressed myself.

I don't mind going to bed earlier but I do want to able to use my phone in bed if I am not sleepy yet!

crackcrackcrak · 05/09/2012 11:29

Yanbu. I had this problem with exp though it wasn't as early as 12.30 and he would make a lot of noise. On one hand I agree about him bring an adult etc but if he is knowingly disturbing your sleep when you need it that's a welfare issue in my opinion.

anditwasallyellow · 05/09/2012 11:29

I think that yabu if he needs a couple of hours less than you then he migh want some extra time to unwind. But aren't you missing out on nightly bedroom antics? I mean with kids around that can be the only time some action happens. And of course it could always be a way to tempt him into bed!

Malificence · 05/09/2012 11:30

My excuse is that DH was often away early in our marriage ( ex-forces) then he did nights for a good few years so I was used to sleeping alone, now he no longer works shifts I hate to be alone in bed, to the point of fury on the odd occasion if I've fallen asleep and I wake with a jump if he's still not in bed, it really freaks me out and makes me angry.
He doesn't wear anything in bed, but if he did, it probably would be Star wars or Star trek jamas. Wink

GooseyLoosey · 05/09/2012 11:36

I need a lot less sleep than dh. I get up at 5.00am during the week and would generally turn lights off at about midnight for preference. I usually go to bed at the same time as dh (about 10.30) and then either read my kindle with its own small light on or listen to/watch something on an IPad with earphones in. Could dh come to bed with you some time but not sleep?

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:36

Im a walkover? If you knew anything about me you'd know that isn't true. I don't want him to come to bed knowing he won't be able to sleep. Why would I be so selfish? That's the difference in looking out for someone else's feelings and not just simply your own.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 11:38

I'll just add he always offers to come to bed!

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 05/09/2012 11:38

fury???

Really??

Why??

HeartsJandJ · 05/09/2012 11:38

DH sleeps in his pants. Because we are poor they are very old and quite baggy, they started off about 7 years ago as quite form fitting and attractive.

Nowadays it is not a pretty sight of a morning.

ThePigOnTheWall · 05/09/2012 11:43

Me and DP go to bed at the same time when he's home as we use it as a time to chat and we shag most nights

Could he brush his teeth and get ready when you go up so all he has to do when he's ready to go to bed is slip in next to you

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 11:48

Malificence How does your OH react to your anger and fury?

Ephiny · 05/09/2012 11:49

That is just the strangest thing to be furious about. I can understand being angry at being woken up, but furious to wake up spontaneously and find your partner not in bed? Confused Why?

aufaniae · 05/09/2012 11:57

YABU to ask him to go to bed at your time.

If I went to bed and 10:30 I'd lie there starting at the ceiling for 2 hours! It would be horrible! And I'd miss my wind-down time, I understand what he means by that.

YANBU for asking him to do his getting ready early however. I would put my foot down on this one. There's no reason he shouldn't get ready earlier if it's going to improve your quality of life.

Definitely get earplugs too :)

valiumredhead · 05/09/2012 12:07

Sperm is at it's best first thing in the morning apparently so an early shag is a good thing. Made me smile when a specialist told my sister when she was ttc Wink

YABU but I understand the noise issue - that would annoy me.

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 05/09/2012 12:09

I'm an impossibly light sleeper, so would wake up just hearing dh come up the stairs. On nights when I want to sleep early we go up together and he watches tv in bed using headphones.