Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should say something to his Dad

108 replies

toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 21:49

We live about 20 mins away from my FIL and BIL (BIL is single and lives with FIL).

FIL is great and we get on well. He is helpful, babysits, the DC's love him. We normally have him for dinner at least once a week, normally a Sunday. Often DH and his Dad will go out for the day and come back for dinner.

Recently, I have said to DH that I want more family time with just the 4 of us. Family days out and more time spent together at home.

This week, FIL came out with us last Sunday, went out with DH and came for dinner on Monday, popped round on Tuesday and babysat for us (we also invited him for tea beforehand) on Friday.

I wanted this weekend to be a family weekend so DH did not invite his DF or DB.

However, they turned up at 6pm which THEY KNOW is the time we always eat. I really didn't have enough to feed more than us and they made a big song and dance about not wanting food. They sat in the garden while we ate but I just felt very uncomfortable.

I had made massive dessert which I'd hoped would last a few days but they came and sat with us and had some of that.

I was really pissed off that someone would turn up when they know people will be eating. It's not the first time either. They often turn up at meal times saying 'oh well, if you're sure there's enough'.

DH said there is no way to say something without being rude and he won't babysit if he says anything.

I don't want him never to come round, I just would like our family time to be respected a little..... and to be able to eat a meal without someone repeatedly commenting that they are fine without any Hmm.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
melonandpapayaandmango · 02/09/2012 21:52

I don't think YABU but it sounds nice to me to be honest but I am sure someone will have more useful advice!

CrapBag · 02/09/2012 21:53

YANBU.

I think its pretty crap that your FIL won't babysit if your DH dares to say something. There are polite ways of saying things, hopefully someone more helpful with that will be along. I'm not great at that.

Personally, I would carry on and eat and not give them anything except a cup of tea which I would tell them they are welcome to make, if there is extra food, make sure it is hidden away (I often cook more for the following day). Maybe he will get the hint that he will only be fed when actually invited for food?

boredandrestless · 02/09/2012 21:54

Why does he have to say something? Tell him yourself?

If someone was turning up at mine over tea time expecting to be fed I would just be telling them that it made me very uncomfortable, that I felt put upon and that they were taking advantage.

It sounds like you need to get things said and clear the air and then start anew.

Floralnomad · 02/09/2012 21:55

YANBU but your DH is probably right to think that his family would find it rude or uncomfortable if he said anything to them. Would it not just be easier to a perhaps say that you will be going out on a particular weekend so that they would know not to come . Sometimes a little fib is more sensitive than risking upsetting people.

minibmw2010 · 02/09/2012 21:55

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest. They ARE family ... It sounds like you're happy for the babysitting but don't want him around otherwise (and if he normally comes around on a Sunday the poor man must be wondering why not this week).

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 02/09/2012 21:56

Curtains closed and don't answer the door next time?

Make yourself unavailable and they will soon learn to ring before coming around, giving you the opportunity to say you're busy.

boredandrestless · 02/09/2012 21:58

I agree to not feed them unless they are invited. Not even dessert. If they mention there is any left/extra state you have budgeted and meal planned and that it is to be used the following day.

I cannot bear to have people in the house over mealtimes, unless they are sitting eating with us (and had been invited to do so). If someone turned up at mine at tea time they wouldn't get into the hall. "I'm sorry it's a bit of a bad time as we are about to sit down to tea, there isn't enough to go around and we were looking forward to a bit of time just us as it's been a pretty full on week." You can be clear without being nasty.

tartyflette · 02/09/2012 21:58

umm you're a great cook and they really like your food, Toysoldiers ? (and so they're hoping for a sneaky-- taste despite all their denials)
Or just say something like 'we'd love to see you for a drink/cuppa/whatever after dinner, at XX o'clock. We'll save some dessert or cake for you '
If they don't cotton on to that then I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more blunt.

Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 21:59

Mini, I have no problem with them visiting. But DF knew he hadn't been invited for dinner this week but turned up anyway - even saying 'I know you'll be eating but we don't want any'

The front door was locked but they came round the back (not that I wouldn't have answered anyway).

I think I feel that I very accommodating and hospitable most of the time and just need a bit of space.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 02/09/2012 22:00

Some people have open door policy, some don't.

I was always brought up to welcome visitors and I still give my meal up if we get randoms arrive. Which does happen on occasion. That is politeness and manners.

You are getting a lot of free childcare from your FIL, dinner/pudding whatever isn't going to break the bank.

The UK is quite the anomaly in that it actively discourages extended family; all other cultures I know of and have lived in,you perpetually have three or four generations in close proximity who eat together with great frequency and are active in child raising.

If you want to isolate your FIL, then feel free to do so. But an easier way forward would be - in a breezy voice - "Sorry FIL, you caught us at tea time again, I can rustle up some beans on toast/open a tin of soup etc and you can join us">

If you have the open relationship with FIL then you might be able to breezily say "Aw FIL Sunday night? We're getting ready for work tomorrow!"

I do think YAB a bit U - others will disagree.

Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 22:01

We were actually a bit late with dinner so didn't sit down til 6:30.

They said they'd go when it was ready but then, when I said dinner was ready they just sat themselves in the garden.

The DC kept wanting to get down and talk to them, I was tense and it all went a bit wrong Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 22:04

Jumping, I do have a very open door policy, hence he'd already fed him 4 times out of the previous 7 days.

I feel taken advantage of and feel that my hospitality isn't appreciated, just remarked on when it's not enough.

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 02/09/2012 22:07

Sorry but I think YABU. If you normally have him over on Sundays, but now want to get out of that routine, then I think it's best to tell him (politely) rather than expecting him to second guess that you now wish to cut back a bit on time with extended family

CrapBag · 02/09/2012 22:07

Bloody hell, I must have missed the bit in your post where you said all you want is babysitting and FIL to bugger off other times!

You sound very accomodating OP and not BU at all.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2012 22:07

Yabu. You use FIL for babysitting and spend lots of social time together but you only want it on your own terms?!

Yanbu to want family time but you need to be consistent - either you do things with them in a v limited basis, or you accept they see no reason they would not be welcome.

DanGleebals · 02/09/2012 22:10

Yab a bit u. My dad saw my DCs today for the first time in 3 months and probably won't see them again until the weather is too shitty for golf. I understand wanting family time, but he is family. Next time you want to do something with just the 4 of you let him know. I'm sure he would understand.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 02/09/2012 22:14

Could you keep a couple of pizzas in the freezer for whenever they pop round without notice?

Otherwise, could you say you're going out so that they don't come round?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 22:15

I don't think I just want it on my own terms.

But why would they turn up unabnounced KNOWING we would be eating, then make a big deal of 'you haven't catered for us have you, no didn't think so' 'I know you're eating but we thought we'd call in', 'don't worry, we'll be fine, you carry on'

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 02/09/2012 22:28

Is it a question of generally putting a bit more space in between FiL and your family? One of the obvious ways is not to take advantage of all babysitting situations. If he is babysitting for you a lot he possibly sees the meals as 'payment'. If you keep the babysitting to a minimum then it is far easier to keep the catering to invitation only.

ChaoticismyLife · 02/09/2012 22:31

YANBU I don't get this mentality that everything has to be set in stone, eg you do something every week for x weeks so then you have to do it for the rest of your life. People should be free to say that they want to do something different whenever they want to without other's getting in a huff about it.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2012 22:33

Do they actually eat well at home? Or do they only get decent meals at your house?
If they come univited at meal times, take them at their word that they don't want food and just make them a cup of tea and leave them to it. They'll get the message eventually!

And I don't think you're being U. You clearly spend a lot of time with FiL and you don't just 'use' him at all.

SundaeGirl · 02/09/2012 22:45

Hmmm. Basically, YANBU about wanting time the four of you but I think this is the flip side of having a close family. I also think if you are doing the cooking then it should be you not your DH who should say something.

I wouldn't say something though I'd eat early for a few weeks and then late and so on until they had to ring in advance if they wanted food.

FairLadyRantALot · 02/09/2012 22:45

YABU, you are lucky to have someone willing from your family that is happy to look after your Kids.... they are worth more than gold itself...
suggestions of hiding of food and whatever in this thread...how selfish and petty are people....
Why is having that extra person there for Dinner a hassle? I mean if you get on and all that.... ?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 22:48

No I don't think they eat terribly well, which is why I don't mind inviting them.

It just seemed to me that FIL was saying, there's no point not inviting us because we'll turn up anyway.

There were a couple of weeks about a month ago that we DID invite him, and then he'd turn up half an hour late saying that he didn't want dinner. Then he'd sit and watch us all eat, and follow it up with 'well if there's any going spare', 'would be a shame to go to waste' etc.

It feels like a game he's playing - but maybe I'm being paranoid.

OP posts:
Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 22:55

Tbh am a bit surprised at how many people think YABU.

One needs family time together too and the weekend is best for that. You'd already made it clear that this weekend that's what you'd planned. I know they are extended family and help out, but also you are feeding them another 2-3 nights a week so it's not like you're not already seeing them.

If your DH can't speak to him/you can't be straight because of the babysitting then you may well have to forgo that for a bit -but we often do date nights in and have a great time - no family close - we just cook something nicer and dress up a little and no tv)

Could you perhaps for a couple of times when you have said they are not invited be out for dinner as a family?? Nights drawing in a bit so perhaps not the best time for a park picnic - could you maybe go round to a friend (ideally with similar aged kids)? Explain situation and offer to cook for all of you? Not much more cooking than you'd do at home!