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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should say something to his Dad

108 replies

toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 21:49

We live about 20 mins away from my FIL and BIL (BIL is single and lives with FIL).

FIL is great and we get on well. He is helpful, babysits, the DC's love him. We normally have him for dinner at least once a week, normally a Sunday. Often DH and his Dad will go out for the day and come back for dinner.

Recently, I have said to DH that I want more family time with just the 4 of us. Family days out and more time spent together at home.

This week, FIL came out with us last Sunday, went out with DH and came for dinner on Monday, popped round on Tuesday and babysat for us (we also invited him for tea beforehand) on Friday.

I wanted this weekend to be a family weekend so DH did not invite his DF or DB.

However, they turned up at 6pm which THEY KNOW is the time we always eat. I really didn't have enough to feed more than us and they made a big song and dance about not wanting food. They sat in the garden while we ate but I just felt very uncomfortable.

I had made massive dessert which I'd hoped would last a few days but they came and sat with us and had some of that.

I was really pissed off that someone would turn up when they know people will be eating. It's not the first time either. They often turn up at meal times saying 'oh well, if you're sure there's enough'.

DH said there is no way to say something without being rude and he won't babysit if he says anything.

I don't want him never to come round, I just would like our family time to be respected a little..... and to be able to eat a meal without someone repeatedly commenting that they are fine without any Hmm.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
imonthefone · 03/09/2012 10:14

people have different boundaries and expectectations though...you need to make it clear what yours are. Its no good telling us. We are not the ones popping round when you dont want us to

if he is doing it to wind you up, becasue he knows you dont like it, its a different matter. Is he?

ENormaSnob · 03/09/2012 10:36

Yanbu

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 10:44

I'm not sure. Sometimes I think he is. He can be quite passive aggressive at times. It makes me think I'm a paranoid loon. He makes a big deal out of small things.

He is from an all boy family, he had 2 boys and we have 2 boys and I think he likes to make a big deal out of me being. 'outnumbered'. They all share a hobby which dominates the conversation and activity when they are here which leaves me doing the cooking, sorting the kids out etc. when it's just me & DH it's much more balanced. However when FIL is here DH scurries around after him, showing him things on computer etc.

FIL often laughs and says 'you don't mind us being here all the time do you', 'I bet you get fed up of hearing about xyz all the time don't you'.

Yesterday, DH and I were cooking together when they arrived and then DH buggered off - at one point to help his brother wash his car (we have a jet wash thingie), leaving me to finish off the dinner myself.

Apart from the physical cooking - I am surplus to requirements Sad

It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Both of my parents are dead so I often have to stop myself from posting 'you're lucky to have parents at all' on similarly whiny forums.

Next week we're going out Grin

OP posts:
brass · 03/09/2012 10:49

sounds like this has been building up a head of steam for you. Think you need to start with your DH and how he contributes to how you are made to feel when they are altogether.

No reason why you should be made to feel uncomfortable or left out in your own home and certainly not surplus to requirements.

You could also opt out of ANY cooking for DH's family. Wink

imonthefone · 03/09/2012 10:52

FIL often laughs and says 'you don't mind us being here all the time do you', 'I bet you get fed up of hearing about xyz all the time don't you'

how do you answer that?

sounds maybe that you dont actually like FiL that much? you need to decide what is acceptable and be clear

diddl · 03/09/2012 10:56

I can´t see the problem if they were in the garden & let you eat in peace tbh.

That said, I don´t really get the turning up unannounced.

diddl · 03/09/2012 10:57

Just seen that you drop in to your sister-so why can´t FIL just drop in to see his son?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 11:02

diddl - he can pop in at any time EXCEPT when he knows that we will be eating and then make comments about not being catered for!

My sister would never do that and I would never do that to her.

I do like him - but I need a bit of space from him and need DH to spend to time with us as a nuclear a family which gives me an equal status within that - not just in the background doing the cooking.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/09/2012 11:06

I get that, but in this case at least they stayed out of the way.

I also get why you want to see less of him & have family time.

If he makes comments about not being catered for, tell him-it´s because he wasn´t invited!

And your husband needs to stop skipping off & leaving you to cook!

dazzledsazzle · 03/09/2012 11:42

He is probably lonely but he needs to know you are on a budget if its proving a problem & if as you say he has a massive appetite to cater for. If he is late for a meal he was invited to, be a bit flexible, pop it in microwave tho he is bit rude to be late imo. Twice a week if you are getting free childcare is fine really i think. Re family time, do the old 'er, we were going to get the kids in bed early and have "adult time", wink wink , .... even if you are not as being his generation that should be enough to embarrass him that u & DH had 'plans' ! (ie. it will make him think a bit too re just turning up).

bobbledunk · 03/09/2012 12:20

YADNBU, Feeding him four days out of the previous seven? You're a saint. I wouldn't tolerate having someone practically living on top of me like that and making meals for them. It was very rude of him to turn up when he knew that you wanted a peaceful family meal together and if he truly did that to annoy you as your dh says then it's time to take the gloves off.

This isn't a lonely old man, it's an obnoxious dickhead (who lives with his son and has several lady friends so plenty of company) that enjoys irritating you by invading your space, he has no respect for you. He needs no pity. Stop cooking for him. Turn him away when it doesn't suit you. You need to draw your boundaries and keep him over the line.

There's nothing wrong with wanting privacy in your own home, time together as a family and to have your own space. The problem that overly nice people like yourself have is that you're so welcoming and accommodating that not so nice people take advantage of that. Don't be afraid to be a bitch sometimes, if people ignore polite requests from your nice self because they feel they can as there will be no consequence, it's their fault if you have to respond in a not so lovely manner to make them hear you.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2012 12:37

I stand by what I said earlier: I think you're being used as a caterer - especially as he asks for leftovers!

GnomeDePlume · 03/09/2012 13:12

I agree with bobbledunk and also suspect that there is a little bit of assuming that cooking is 'womens work' so that is why your DH cleared out of the kitchen when FiL arrived (didnt want to get caught doing womens work).

Many years ago we had problems with PiL walking into the house without knocking first. They didnt mean to be rude but just assumed it was okay. DH put up a fence with a permanently bolted gate to stop them walking round to the back door.

Get in the habit of keeping doors locked then when FiL (and I assume BiL as well) turn up on your doorstep dont let them over the threshold:

'What a shame you didnt call first, we are having dinner right now, how about you pop back in say an hour to give us time to finish and tidy up?'

gotthemoononastick · 03/09/2012 14:05

Would die of embarrasment myself if ANYONE,let alone family, made the faux pas of arriving at mealtime,for whatever reason, and I couldn't make them feel welcome....rice ,peas, sauces,tins.Sitting in the garden indeed!!But our family are probably weird. Always lay an extra place at the Christmas table for the uninvited guest ,cracker and all!!!(family all over the world and all age groups do it.).
OP please try not to alienate husband's family over this.I do acknowledge that sinking feeling you must get on a Sunday evening,but you will not come out of this wearing a halo if you hide food or yourself or get mean..

Lucyellensmum100 · 03/09/2012 14:13

gotthemoononastick Grin Do you have some sort of inflatable doll that you sit at the "guests" seat so that it doesn't look all forlorn and empty??

I am on the fence about this - i think i would find it suffocating tbh but am also envious of those who have families that do this, im a curmudgeony old bitch that never has anyone around to eat.

Margerykemp · 03/09/2012 14:20

Just say 'please don't come round at mealtimes'.

gotthemoononastick · 03/09/2012 14:25

Lucyellen...roaring with laughter here...wish I had one!!! Traditions are funny old things in families....we just do it. Table looks fab,though. Inevitably many a childrens' fight has broken out over the unused cracker or wishbone,or silver charms in pud.Not always only sweetness and light here.Wish i could do the grinning yellow face!!!

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2012 14:30

I think your DH needs to do the cooking for his family, while you chat to them over a drink. Sounds as though they are all treating you as staff.

AdoraBell · 03/09/2012 14:40

I would make a point of being out for the next few weekends, or eat really early and give the DCs a snack later while you have a cup of tea. I think Nanny Ogg has it spot on, the ILs view you as the caterer, so stop catering.

brass · 03/09/2012 15:03

I repeat, start with your husband, he is facilitating their attitude. I would be finding out where he stood on this matter and how much investment he had in how it makes you feel. Then I'd tackle the others. I suspect if he waded in next time a comment was made you might see things changing.

fiftyval · 03/09/2012 15:16

YANBU and you are doing far too much of the cooking duties. Why are you the one who is always expected to feed your dh'd father ? Perhaps your dh would understand your point pf view better if he became responsible for Sunday meals.

MissPants · 03/09/2012 16:31

I can't believe how many people think YABU for only wanting to play host 4 days this week instead of 5 Hmm

I can just imagine the reaction if someone posted here "my DIL only invited me over for 4 days this week, then looked put out when I turned up uninvited with an extra guest right before Sunday dinner. WIBU to turn up for a fifth day without an invite?"

singinginthesun · 03/09/2012 16:33

Why do you need to go through your husband? Why not just say to FIL and BIL "we love seeing you but we need more time together as a nuclear family"?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 17:27

I would like DH to say something so it doesn't look like just me.

They have always been a very close family unit and I don't want to spoil that.

However I think the danger is they see that unit continuing, just with me slotting into the role of their mother.

But that is not the setup I want for my family - and neither does DH. I just need him to stand up for us as a family.

OP posts:
bojo7 · 03/09/2012 18:30

My cousin had this problem with her husband's parents and many siblings.

Solution? Buy a big pot plant for the front door. If plant is outside, you are "at home" to visitors. Otherwise, not. You can explain in a positive way "Oh FIL, we all love to see you and want you to feel free to pop round. Of course, we do need to keep some times for meals and homework, but if the plant is outside, we'd love you to come in."