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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should say something to his Dad

108 replies

toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 21:49

We live about 20 mins away from my FIL and BIL (BIL is single and lives with FIL).

FIL is great and we get on well. He is helpful, babysits, the DC's love him. We normally have him for dinner at least once a week, normally a Sunday. Often DH and his Dad will go out for the day and come back for dinner.

Recently, I have said to DH that I want more family time with just the 4 of us. Family days out and more time spent together at home.

This week, FIL came out with us last Sunday, went out with DH and came for dinner on Monday, popped round on Tuesday and babysat for us (we also invited him for tea beforehand) on Friday.

I wanted this weekend to be a family weekend so DH did not invite his DF or DB.

However, they turned up at 6pm which THEY KNOW is the time we always eat. I really didn't have enough to feed more than us and they made a big song and dance about not wanting food. They sat in the garden while we ate but I just felt very uncomfortable.

I had made massive dessert which I'd hoped would last a few days but they came and sat with us and had some of that.

I was really pissed off that someone would turn up when they know people will be eating. It's not the first time either. They often turn up at meal times saying 'oh well, if you're sure there's enough'.

DH said there is no way to say something without being rude and he won't babysit if he says anything.

I don't want him never to come round, I just would like our family time to be respected a little..... and to be able to eat a meal without someone repeatedly commenting that they are fine without any Hmm.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 03/09/2012 07:26

I quite like unexpected guests! Could you not bung another veg on (something easy like frozen peas) and just give everyone a bit less meat? And knock up a quick pudding as a filler - jam or syrup sponge pudding and custard, with the pudding done in the microwave, is always a winner.

I would say that if they always come to you on a Sunday and hadn't been told specifically that you were having a "nuclear family weekend" then they probably just assumed that they were invited as usual and turned up.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 03/09/2012 07:39

I think YABU; I wish my parents and FIL were half as interested in my DCs! I love the idea of my extended family coming round for meals etc but neither of our parents are into that kind of thing.

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 07:44

Mrsschadenfreud, I also quite like unexpected guests and pride myself on my ability to whip up something if people stop by. However, only when they are 'surprise' guests who we don't see very often who didn't realise we would be eating.

They don't come every week - they come often which I think makes a difference and, as I said, they knew perfectly well that we would be eating and that we hadn't planned on catering for them. Also, FIL easily eats twice as much as I do so 'making things stretch' is difficult.

We are on a bit of a budget at the moment as I'm not working so trying very hard not to buy unnecessary food 'just in case' someone calls in.

In the past, he has often asked if he can take leftovers home and expressed surprise when I've said no, we need it for Monday etc.

OP posts:
Flimflammery · 03/09/2012 07:52

What whereyouleftit said ^

OTTMummA · 03/09/2012 08:15

Shock I can not believe how many people here are saying the op is BU!

Fil was not invited, and out of all the hours of the day, turned up at dinner time! Hmm how convienant.
That alone is so, so rude that i would of turned him away.
But, then after saying 'oh we will leave when you start dinner' decided not to and hung around like a begging dog making the op feel uncomfortable, which is what i suspect he wanted her to feel tbh, as i can not understand his actions otherwise.
He is basically pissed that he wasn't going to get a free dinner this weekend op and decided that he would get it invited or not.
RUDE, RUDE RUDE!!!

You don't ever turn up to someones house uninvited at dinner time unless it is an emergency.

Proudnscary · 03/09/2012 08:29

YANBU

You are entitled to privacy and family time without explaining yourself.

My mum babysits loads - that's wonderful but she does it mainly for herself as she loves spending time with the DC. I see her a fair bit, always pay when we go out for lunch/dinner, include her in outings, but don't want her coming round to ours too often because she never leaves! She knows she'd get a lukewarm reception if she just turned up, especially at dinner time.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2012 08:36

How long has he been widowed?

I think you're being used as a caterer - especially as he asks for leftovers!

imonthefone · 03/09/2012 08:36

You don't ever turn up to someones house uninvited at dinner time unless it is an emergency

see, this does not apply in our family at all Everyone is welcome, anytime-unless there is a specific reason. Then you would just tell that person and they would leave Confused This applies to my friends too; default is you are welcome If you are not I will tell you when you arrive

Dont get all this complicated unsaid stuff

If OP has accomodated FiL previously, how is he to know he is unwelcome, unles she tells him Hmm

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 08:40

Imonthefone - he's supposed to know because when I am happy to cook for him, I invite him. This weekend, I wanted a quiet family dinner so did not invite him.

It's really not that complicated.

And I'm sure you would get mightily pissed off if the same relative kept turning up coincidentally at mealtimes and made a big issue of not being catered for.

OP posts:
Eggrules · 03/09/2012 08:43

YANBU

I think your DH should say something. If he won't there are plenty of suggestions regarding what to say here.

Next weekend, I would eat at 5pm.

I make curries, chilli, etc in bulk. They aren't leftovers.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 03/09/2012 08:57

The fact that you've said he's asking for leftovers makes me think that perhaps he might be in financial trouble? That would certainly explain the turning up for meals.

I know you're entitled to family time etc etc but I still can't help feeling that YABU. There are very very cheap ways of making meals stretch. Maybe my own feelings about my family are clouding my judgement here but I would love to have meals with my in-laws or my parents, and for them to want to be so openly involved with DH and I and with our DCs.

Margerykemp · 03/09/2012 08:58

It sounds lie he's old lonely and misses his wife. You maybe need to help him adjust to independent living.

Jenny70 · 03/09/2012 08:59

I think when they turned up you (or DH) should have said sorry "tonight is family dinner, DW has made something just for us, sorry about that - maybe come for tea on Wed".

brass · 03/09/2012 09:04

I think in this case I'd be inclined to be thick skinned and carry on with the meal regardless and let them sit in the garden each time they do it.

Surely if it happens enough times they will get the message that you aren't providing a running buffet each time they 'drop' in. That food only comes with invitation.

You could say 'even if you're comfortable to sit here while we're eating I'M not as I was raised differently (or whatever) and I would really prefer it if you didn't drop in at meal times unless you've been invited to a meal as I feel really stressed out that there isn't enough food. I insist you indulge me in this matter.'

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 09:05

Mrsmangel he is NOT in financial trouble. He has a very generous pension and BIL is on good wage. They each have twice the disposable income every month than we do.

He has been widowed for 7 years and has a couple of 'lady friends' who also feed him during the week Wink

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 03/09/2012 09:05

YANBU OP.

I often cook enough to freeze a family sized portion and Ibudget for this in the monthly food budget. Two grown men in our family eat roughly the same as me and the DC's put together.

You are in a horrible position :(
If it happens again I would say 'oh fil I wish you had let me know you were coming, I have only made dinner for us four and im still mortified about Sunday'.

brass · 03/09/2012 09:07

ah just read the leftovers bit. Can he not cook? Perhaps he is really struggling with his own meals at home....or perhaps his wife did all that and he just sees it as a woman's role Confused

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 03/09/2012 09:11

Oh bless him, sounds like a man who can't be arsed to cook then Wink

I would in that case set aside a couple of evenings a week when he can come to eat, and try to make it as clear as possible to him that those are the evenings he can come for tea and on other evenings you won't be able to feed him.

Very difficult though, I sympathise

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 09:25

But Mrsmangel, I don't want him to eat here a couple of nights a week and can't afford it either.

During the week we both work, DS has school work to do and bedtime is difficult at the best of times. DH often doesn't get back until late.

More than anything else, I feel that it is my home and I should be made to feel awkward in it by someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 09:28

I think what made me more cross was that when I talked to DH he laughed and said
'don't let it bother you, he only does it to wind you up'

In which case he can fuck off, if I spend time, effort and money catering for him, I don't expect to be considered easy sport Angry.

In the words of Mr Nicholson 'I'd rather you just said thank you, and went on your way'

OP posts:
MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 03/09/2012 09:33

I know what you're saying toysoldiers, however I can't help thinking you are lucky that your DH's family want to see you all and be involved with the DCs. Also it sounds as though your FIL is always willing to babysit. It seems a bit of a shame to never let them round for a meal again.

imonthefone · 03/09/2012 09:37

And I'm sure you would get mightily pissed off if the same relative kept turning up coincidentally at mealtimes and made a big issue of not being catered for

if i felt mightily pissed off, I would just tell them though Confused

I think what made me more cross was that when I talked to DH he laughed and said
'don't let it bother you, he only does it to wind you up'

THIS is a massive drip feed!!!

Tryharder · 03/09/2012 09:40

Another in-law bash? Hmm

YABU and I think you are being ungracious if you begrudge inviting your FIL around once a week.

I would hate to live in a family where members have to tiptoe around each other and are not welcome in each others houses.

I think you are lucky to have a nice FIL who wants to be involved with your DC. Ask yourself how you would feel if you wanted to spend time with your own DGCs in the future and had to suffer being glowered at and begrudged by your DIL?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 09:53

I'm not bashing my FIL, and am thrilled that he wants to be involved with the children.

I just want to be respected. No, I don't begrudge feeding him once a week, as I'd already him fed him 4 times that week Confused.

He is welcome to drop in any time but I am getting annoyed that those times only seem to coincide with the expectation of food!

OP posts:
Original poster
toysoldiers · 03/09/2012 09:55

For example, my sister also lives close by. We often drop round to each others houses without an invite.

But I would never turn up at 5 o clock as I know that's when they eat. She would do the same.

Now and again if it's 'around' lunchtime they might offer the kids a sandwich but I would never expect or comment.

It's not tiptoeing, or having an 'invite only' policy - it's just respectful.

OP posts: