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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should say something to his Dad

108 replies

toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 21:49

We live about 20 mins away from my FIL and BIL (BIL is single and lives with FIL).

FIL is great and we get on well. He is helpful, babysits, the DC's love him. We normally have him for dinner at least once a week, normally a Sunday. Often DH and his Dad will go out for the day and come back for dinner.

Recently, I have said to DH that I want more family time with just the 4 of us. Family days out and more time spent together at home.

This week, FIL came out with us last Sunday, went out with DH and came for dinner on Monday, popped round on Tuesday and babysat for us (we also invited him for tea beforehand) on Friday.

I wanted this weekend to be a family weekend so DH did not invite his DF or DB.

However, they turned up at 6pm which THEY KNOW is the time we always eat. I really didn't have enough to feed more than us and they made a big song and dance about not wanting food. They sat in the garden while we ate but I just felt very uncomfortable.

I had made massive dessert which I'd hoped would last a few days but they came and sat with us and had some of that.

I was really pissed off that someone would turn up when they know people will be eating. It's not the first time either. They often turn up at meal times saying 'oh well, if you're sure there's enough'.

DH said there is no way to say something without being rude and he won't babysit if he says anything.

I don't want him never to come round, I just would like our family time to be respected a little..... and to be able to eat a meal without someone repeatedly commenting that they are fine without any Hmm.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 02/09/2012 23:07

Nit picking - you said they turned up as you were about to eat, knowing you are eating - then you say you ate late and they turned up. So Did they actually turn up after you normally eat?

But, TBH, this is your childs grandfather you are talking about. If you acknowledge he's not eating well, is it really a hardship to divvy up food onto an extra plate? what the hell? bring out the cheese and crackers or cheap tub of ice cream afterwards.

I'm kind of getting the inference he's a widow. Jesus, is it that hard to include your fathers husband, your childs grand father? Maybe, just maybe you might find yourself in this situation in years to come.

families aren;t just mum, dad and children, they do include everyone else too. What would you prefer? To not see him for months on end? have a distanced family? Would that suit your ideal of nuclear perfection?

Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 23:08

Cross-posted with about a zillion of you but yes also sounds like a bit he is playing passive aggressive "ooh if you're sure" etc.

If you want this you must be firm - set toddler boundaries!

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2012 23:09

YANBU - it's nice that you have a close family but your FIL must realise that you need time to be together as a smaller family unit. I especially think I would hate the fact that you DH spends every Sunday out with his father and then brings him back to yours where you are the perfect hostess. I think your DH needs to say to his dad how much you all love seeing him but that you need sometimes when it is just your smaller family unit and that if he just turns up anyway on those days it's not fair and he's undermining the purpose.

Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 23:10

Jumping - she's already feeding him a fair few other times a week. You can't say she's not looking after him.

What's wrong with wanting some nuclear family time together too? Surely that's healthy?

GnomeDePlume · 02/09/2012 23:12

Yes, that does sound like a bit of game playing going on.

Of course you can play the game back:

FiL: well, if there's any going spare
ts: no, there isnt any, that's tomorrow's dinner
FiL: would be a shame for it to go to waste
ts: it wont, that's tomorrow's dinner

While the conversation goes on quite obviously put the leftovers into boxes and bags for the fridge or freezer.

When the meal is cleared away offer tea/coffee and not before!

Original poster
toysoldiers · 02/09/2012 23:15

Jumping, we normally eat at 6. He turned up at 6 but we didn't eat until 6:30.

He originally said 'we'll go when your dinner's ready' but followed it up with 'oh but then I won't be able to read DC a story, DC do you want me to read you a story?'

OP posts:
flippineckythump · 02/09/2012 23:19

Ahhh..it sounds like he really likes spending time with you all!

if you have accomodated this in the past and now don't want to, you will need to tell him. Or, he wont know Grin

Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 23:23

Definitely easier to be Out then. That's also using your kids against you (although of course kids love bedtime story from grandad - makes it so difficult).

Have had a fair bit of readjustment myself as I am from big inclusive family and DH is not (plus has OCD/control issues which make it difficult for him to share our space, esp when unplanned). We are now v firm about agreeing united family pre-discussed front, which does make it clearer and easier.

Still doesn't stop my parents "forgetting" they need bed for the night until the day itself! Sigh! But at least thy know it's not guaranteed.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/09/2012 23:27

YANBU

why shouldn't you have a bit of family time to yourselves? You're obviously very good to your fil but turning up at mealtimes uninvite is not on imo

Flojo1979 · 02/09/2012 23:30

YABU.
I wish I had another adult to talk to.
Maybe he's lonely, maybe living with BIL isn't that interesting and he likes being at your house.
4 days out of 7 fair enough but what about the other 3 days? To busy working families that time flies, to others that time drags.
Keep stuff in the freezer that he likes and enjoy the family time on the other days or go out for the day.

holyfishnets · 02/09/2012 23:37

You are already feeding them often anyway and I can see that you are normally very inclusive and need just a small amount of time as a small family unit. They really should only come at the meal times they are invited to. Just keep some biscuits or beans in the cupboard specially for if they drop by at meal time. Apologise that there isn't enough but pass them the digestives/tin of beans to warm up. It is their choice not to eat well, they are adult and able to cook for themselves.

I think you should go out for a sunday meal at the time they might visit for a few weeks just to break the routine.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 02/09/2012 23:37

God forbid any of us ever get old(er) shakes head

fishface2 · 02/09/2012 23:38

Yanbu , ive been in that situation. But I try to remember that grandparents won't be around forever and I look back on these unplanned evenings with fondness.

fishface2 · 02/09/2012 23:38

I'll look back

numbum · 02/09/2012 23:42

He sounds lonely. You had all day Saturday and Sunday as a family without him until he turned up to read his grandchild a story. Eat earlier if the turning up at meal times annoy you but dont begrudge a grandparent time with his grandkids

Musomathsci · 02/09/2012 23:45

How about catering for an extra person for 2 or 3 meals per week, then saving the extra portion in the fridge if he doesn't turn up. Then if he comes by and you haven't got enough for that particular meal, you can whip out the leftovers and feed him without having to make an extra effort or stretch the meal you had planned. It's a way of coping without extra work for you and gets round the need for a big confrontation. He gets a decent meal, but not necessarily what you are eating if he turns up unannounced. Win win?

Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 23:46

Jumping - "god forbid"?! - she's already cooking for him at least three times a week and he's not (well as far as we know - couldnt babysit young DC otherwise?) physically incapacitated plus has DB living with and potentially caring for him- what's wrong with OP wanting the occasional (she didn't say all!) Sunday off?

alienreflux · 02/09/2012 23:48

FIL is great and we get on well....... are you sure op? why would someone you get on well with play weird dinner games with you? you are being paranoid, you said they don't eat well, you obviously make a mean roast, think this is nothing more than chancing their arm for a good feed with their family, bit cheeky i know but ... bless. maybe your dh could just say though, 'bloody hell dad, i wish you'd ring when you're coming, we could sort something out'. once it's said it will be ok. also think it's lovely your dcs have a close relationship with their grandparent,i would love that for mine

Sarraburd · 02/09/2012 23:49

Numbum - he's alread there several times a week plus has DB living with him.

Muso - she's cooking for him lots already; just wants occasional Sunday for nuclear family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2012 00:07

I am reminded of the classic Edinburgh greeting of an unexpected guest turning up at mealtime - "You'll have had your tea, then?" Grin

It really does sound as if you need to talk to your FIL about it. I'd ignore your husband's comment about "he [FIL] won't babysit if he [DH] says anything" - your FIL enjoys his grandchildren and it's more likely to be your husband's fear of putting it badly that made him say that. And it doesn't have to be rudely said, I'm sure you can be diplomatic.

How about -
"Right, while I've got you to myself, there's something I want to talk to you about. Mealtimes. Don't take this the wrong way, because I do like having you over for meals; but I have to know how many people I'm feeding BEFORE I start cooking. In fact, earlier than that, I need to know before I go food shopping. I'm guessing you and BIL don't work this way, just being the two of you, but with small children in the house, I HAVE to. When we've invited you (and BIL), I've shopped for five (six). When we haven't invited you, I've shopped for four. When you turn up and I don't have enough, I feel really embarrassed and a poor host. And when you and BIL say that's OK, I still feel embarrassed and a poor host. Plus when you then sit in the garden waiting for us to finish, the children are distracted and want to get down from the table; add that to me already feeling bad and it just makes for a very stressful mealtime. I know it's not deliberate on your part, but I really would appreciate if I didn't have to feel that way."

This sort of turns it away from him and onto you, IYSWIM. But still puts the onus on him not to turn up uninvited.

Badgerina · 03/09/2012 00:29

YANBU. It's weird to turn up to people's houses during their meal times, uninvited. Just weird.

Badgerina · 03/09/2012 00:31

"FIL we love having you over. Do you think you could call before you decide to pop in? That way I can plan the evening meal. I felt everso awkward the other Sunday when we couldn't feed you."

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 03/09/2012 00:42

Someone, ANYONE turning up, uninvited, for a meal would be turned away. Unless it was a dire emergency, and they genuinely had no money to buy a dinner with. I don't 'do' uninvited. I wouldn't appear at anyone else's door at a mealtime uninvited, it's RUDE. And I couldn't cope with it myself.

I would in this case be LIVID if someone had been specifically told that we were having a family night and they STILL turned up. To me, that says that they don't give a shit about your plans, or what you want to do that day, only about what THEY want.

Not everyone wants company constantly!

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 03/09/2012 00:46

But WHY should she have to cater for him AT ALL if it is a night she wants to spend without any extra company, just with her family?

WHY is the OP wrong for wanting the occasional night with just her DH and DC's? WITHOUT her FIL there?

I though she married her DH, not her FIL?

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 03/09/2012 00:53

YANBU

I can't stand people turning up unannounced, I think it is such bad manners! Especially at dinner time!