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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids toys in the living room

149 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:24

I'm a single mum with 3dcs aged 6,4 and 2. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 10 months. He is a divorcee with 2 DCs, aged 12 and 9.
My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't allow the kids to have toys or play in my front room, because they have their own rooms, and a playroom outside. Yesterday he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table, as they'd been colouring in. Although I agree, they should be encouraged to play in their own rooms, and my living room is quite small, I think at times when I'm busy it's nice for the kids to play quietly where I am. They're still little after all.

Also he doesn't think I should be downloading games for them to play on my iPad, as it's my iPad, and they're too wee to play in such an expensive piece of kit. Yesterday he noticed my iPad had a wee dent on the corner, and blamed the kids for dropping it, or something.

This is the main thing we row about. I suggested we agree to disagree. I know he's keen for us to live together, and I wonder if this is driving his concerns about having mainly adult only space in the house.

Anyway. What's your thoughts? Thanks!

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 02/09/2012 21:55

Red I'm glad you're seeing warning signs. You've obviously been through horrible abuse with your Ex (sorry about that) so you know not to be easily swayed right?

You've said you'll lay down your boundaries and expectations and that's good but don't let him manipulate you.

FWIW I think he sounds controlling. An opinion is one thing. Arguing about what you do with your children is quite another.

You escaped their father because you wanted them to see a normal relationship so please don't fall into the same trap.

I see that you've said you're lonely. You've got your hands full with 3 small children. Take up a hobby if you can. Socialise with friends more. But please don't ignore your gut instinct because it's nice to be with someone!

CrapBag · 02/09/2012 22:00

They are your children and its your house so you are free to let them play where they like.

He sounds like he may be a pain for the kids if he moves in, like they are in his way?

dinkystinky · 02/09/2012 22:01

Red - I agree with the others, your boyfriend is being ridiculous. FWIW, my DH thought front rooms should be for grown ups only and toys in kids bedrooms - 2 kids later and he's come to accept (though not love) that small kids (and their stuff) need to be near their grown ups. We have toys in every room - though also baskets to do easy tidy up time with the kids before they head up to bed so in the evenings the rooms are vaguely tidy/adult.

HissyByName · 02/09/2012 22:03

Trust your instincts love. I don't think this guy iis right for your family.

topknob · 02/09/2012 22:14

Op just want to say, get away from this man or you will be me in 12 years time..run girl run xx

HuckleBuckle · 02/09/2012 22:15

I was unlucky enough to grow up with a man like this.

Our mum thought he was wonderful for wanting to live with us and let him move in. It didn't take long before his rules became the new house rules. My mum didn't mind too much because she thought it was great that she had someone to share the responsibility of parenting with.

We weren't allowed to have or use any of our belongings in the living room. If we did, they would be taken from us and put in the bin.

If we were at home we were expected to stay in our bedrooms at all times unless we were given permission to go downstairs.

If anything was out of place we would be called downstairs to put it right. This included things like being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to wash up a cup or a plate.

It was always made very clear that we were tolerated and that we should consider ourselves very lucky to be allowed to live there at all.

My mum made excuses for him. "He had a difficult childhood so doesn't know any better" and "It's not his fault that he doesn't have much experience of children." (He had two older children of his own but chose to have nothing to do with them).

As time went on, my mum's friends started to drift away as they couldn't bear my mum's DP. Her relatives also stopped visiting. The neighbours' children also stopped coming round to play. Within the space of a year our house went from being a normal happy home with visits from friends and family to becoming a depressingly cold and unwelcoming house that people avoided wherever possible.

OP - Your boyfriend is already starting to display the same pattern of behaviour as my mum's DP. Please don't make the same mistakes she did.

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 22:46

Topknob

Huckle. Did your mum ever get rid of him?

HuckleBuckle · 02/09/2012 22:57

Unfortunately my mum refused to see him for what he was until we'd all left home and her DP had no-one else left to bully. By that time she'd lost touch with all of her friends, and her relationship with most of her children had been damaged beyond repair.

Her DP died a couple of years ago, and she still refuses to take any responsibility for how things have turned out for her.

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 23:06

That's a shame huckle.

MagicHouse · 02/09/2012 23:44

Another one saying "red flag red flag" here too. I don't like the sound of him thinking he is criticising your children "to help you" and "imagine how they will turn out in the future if I didn't say this" . Also the back tracking and blaming stress is a way of keeping the relationship going and the attention off all these warning signs.
The more I use this site, the more shocked I am (not sure if that's the right word - maybe surprised at just how common it is) at the recurring theme in controlling relationships - that from the outside the behaviour looks bad enough to walk from, but from the inside there are always excuses "he's stressed/ lots of the time he is lovely". It seems to happen again and again.
As someone who found themselves in a very controlling relationship, I look back at the red flags and warning signs I ignored back at the beginning. They seem so obvious now, but I made lots of excuses too.
Obviously your decision, but I would get out now while you can. Because getting out once you're commited can be very, very difficult.

CoolaSchmoola · 02/09/2012 23:44

I'm absolutely amazed that some people are defending the actions of this chap. Yes he's her boyfriend, yes they are in a relationship....

BUT

"he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table"

Her bf does not live with her - why should he care that there is a pencil case on the table let alone be annoyed by it?! It would be a bit weird to care about something as small as a pencil case on someone else's table, relationship or not. It's downright bloody SCARY that he was annoyed by it.

I have relationships with a lot of people, most of them lasting a lot more than ten months. I doubt I'd even notice a pencil case on a table in the houses of those I love, and if I did I wouldn't give it a second thought. It's a pencil case - not a turd!

For him to be annoyed he must feel he has some sort of ownership over the house - people generally don't get annoyed by items on another persons table. They get annoyed over people putting items on something they believe to belong in some way to them.

In his head this guy has already moved in and started setting up NEW rules for the children/hyouse/OP. He is getting annoyed when the rules in his head are being ignored in RL.... Imagine what he'd be like if he did move in. He's imagining he's in charge - once he was in he would make damn sure he was in charge. The more I read the more he scares me.

MagicHouse · 02/09/2012 23:46

Also you have little children to think about here too. It's one thing taking a risk on the sort of man he is for yourself, but think hard about doing so for them.

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 23:52

Thanks for sharing your story Huckle, it really struck a cord with me x

OP posts:

froggies · 03/09/2012 00:03

This guy sounds like my ex (but don't think his gf of 10 months that he is looking at moving in with has kids). Two things come to mind.

Song by Iron Maiden 'run for the hills'
Monty Python 'run awaaaaaayyyyy'

Huge red flags, seriously consider if there is any future in this relationship. Especially for the sake of your kids.

IRCL · 03/09/2012 01:05

Annoyed because of a pencil case? Wow doesn't take a lot to annoy him OP.

I would trust your instinct.

At the end of the day you're the parent and you do what you feel comfortable with.

Morloth · 03/09/2012 01:15

There is a pencil case on our dining room table at the moment, it has been there for aaaaages, because DS1 does his homework there, we just move it out of the way at eating times.

It is irrelevant and I would think DH had lost his fucking mind if he gave a damn either way about it.

Same for toys around the house, it happens with kids. Every now and again I say 'Right, time to chuck all the toys in the playroom!'.

Once again, that's life with kids, it happens and isn't worth stressing about at all, not even the tiniest bit.

I would dump him.

GothAnneGeddes · 03/09/2012 01:40

Lots of very good advice here.

When I read the O.P, my thoughts were "Get rid! Get rid!" and this increased with the heart-string pulling Bs he tried to pull to get out of it.

One of the saddest posts I ever read here was by a woman whose husband obviously hated his stepchildren and when she was called on it, she made loads of excuses for him and flounced off. Chilling.

Really glad you're taking this all on board O.P, I wish you well.

differentnameforthis · 03/09/2012 03:00

My thoughts are he is already trying to control you & your children.

I would not move in, nor be with someone like this. He has no right to tell you what YOUR children can/can't do in your/their home.

2rebecca · 03/09/2012 09:19

At the age your kids are toys are mainly things they play with with others not retire to a room with like a teenager.
I don't like houses where you can't find a spare bit of floor and toys aren't tidied away when finished with but toys being played with in the living room are fine.
I'm not sure why your boyfriend is being so precious about YOUR ipad either, although my husband can be like this with me lending stuff to my kids and I tell him he's being controlling. I think many people male and female (look at the MIL threads) like telling other people how to run their lives.
I don't think this has to ruin your relationship as long as you spot when he is doing it and tell him to back off. Don't move in with him for a while though.

bitsnbobs · 03/09/2012 10:03

Sounds like my ex, it is NOT about the pencil case. It is about control of you and your children. Please get out while you can!

TheBigJessie · 03/09/2012 11:02

It seems to me that the "horrible anniversary" excuse, if true means that he said what he normally wants to say. He showed you what he will be like later on, once he's not on his best behaviour all the time!

Original poster

RedWallflower · 03/09/2012 14:19

Great point Jessie!

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 03/09/2012 16:33

I'm glad you are seeing that he's not a very nice person to have around your children. My Dh grew up in a similar way, kids weren't allowed to touch the new dining table and chairs, or put anything on the table, or eat at the table (stuffed in the kitchen was their place) and there were no toys or kids stuff in the living room, Dh stuff was all thrown away and his room bare cause he was annoying and didn't tow the line! What a horrible way to live.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 03/09/2012 16:59

Hmm, I would think ever so carefully about this. I, like someone further up the thread, had friends when I grew up, who were not allowed to leave their toys or things around the house, and I felt so sorry for them and didn't enjoy visiting them. But more importantly, it doesn't sound like the kind of rule you would impose yourself, so I suspect you might feel mean enforcing it if your heart isn't in it. I find it useful to play "What would I prefer?" in situations like these; would you prefer A) a partner who wishes to impose rules and restrictions in your home, telling you how to go about your life with your kids (and has the cheek to row with you about it!), or B) an easy-going partner who respects you, your children and your home and isn't petty, pedantic or hung up on things like pencil cases on tables. (Of course, it's never about the actual pencil case, it is about control and power.)
It is so hard to live with people with controlling tendencies, whether it be family members, friends or partners, and they invariably over-step the boundaries of respect and decency.
I hope I haven't misjudged your partner dreadfully, and apologies if I have come across as harsh. Best of luck!

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