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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids toys in the living room

149 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:24

I'm a single mum with 3dcs aged 6,4 and 2. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 10 months. He is a divorcee with 2 DCs, aged 12 and 9.
My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't allow the kids to have toys or play in my front room, because they have their own rooms, and a playroom outside. Yesterday he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table, as they'd been colouring in. Although I agree, they should be encouraged to play in their own rooms, and my living room is quite small, I think at times when I'm busy it's nice for the kids to play quietly where I am. They're still little after all.

Also he doesn't think I should be downloading games for them to play on my iPad, as it's my iPad, and they're too wee to play in such an expensive piece of kit. Yesterday he noticed my iPad had a wee dent on the corner, and blamed the kids for dropping it, or something.

This is the main thing we row about. I suggested we agree to disagree. I know he's keen for us to live together, and I wonder if this is driving his concerns about having mainly adult only space in the house.

Anyway. What's your thoughts? Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 10:11

Thank you all. It's funny because I guess I realise what you've all said. He is showing a controlling side. He also criticises me for not adequately discipline them. They are a handful, and I'm very easy going, and probably should follow up a warning with a punishment, eg removal if a toy/ treat. He says he's telling me this because he cares about me, and if I don't sort out their behaviour now, imagine what they'll be like in a few years. I know there is sensible advise from him, but I do worry that he isn't comfortable with my DCs. And have told him this. So I guess this is more about our relationship than I thought!

OP posts:
Waitingforastartofall · 02/09/2012 10:11

each to their own but i couldnt live like that, i do understand with a large family it could be chaotioc though i only have ds and 2 dsc's who are here part of the week but they are slightly older so dont have an abundace of toys.The toys that are downstairs are usually singular things like ninja turtles, figures ect not great big train tracks. theyd be upstairs like a shot!

snortwithmirth · 02/09/2012 10:12

I think it's the boyfriend that needs the boundaries, not the kidsGrin
Don't think it's so much about the toys tbh. More about control.

Glittertwins · 02/09/2012 10:12

My first thought was to tell him to shut up, its your house, not his. Where will it end?
We have two Ikea baskets of smaller toys, garage, cars and buggies in our living room. It's not huge by any means but they tidy up their toys (when reminded) when done. We don't want them trying to get their toy buggies down the stairs. They have their bedroom which has toys and games in their bunk drawers and a playroom in the smallest bedroom. It's up to them where they play, the only thing we ask is that pens and paint stay in the playroom. Our two are only 4.5 and we don't want them pushed out of where we are to play.

Waitingforastartofall · 02/09/2012 10:14

me and dp have massively differential parenting style, we dont have any children together but both have children who live with us iyswim. it does work but you have to respect each others styles and not go against the partner. If i have a problem with something dp does regarding discipline we air in private not infront of the children who would jump all over it if they thought we werent standing together. My ds i think they would say gets away with alot more than them behaviour ways but i am uber strict on eating properly, bedtimes ect whereas partner lets them pick and choose which i hate!

NCForNow · 02/09/2012 10:16

Children are part of the household too....their toys are important to them which is why they should be allowed them in the living room.

Your boyfriend is showing signs of controllling behaviour...getting upset about a pencil case!!! Dont let him tell you what to do in YOUR home....it's not HIS....it's YOURS>.....tell him that YOU make up the rules.

And think about what living with him or having kids with him would be like....if I were you he'd not be part of my life.

SecretCermonials · 02/09/2012 10:20

He sounds like a bit of a cock tbh. He sounds to me like he doesnt much like Your kids. My lounge is quite small but my DS has one small toybox in there and I have no issue with him playing in there as its his home too, this is despite him
Having a play room, all i insist is that toys are tidied away. Infact we have already bought a matching box for DS2 for our lounge and he's not even born Yet. Similarly my son uses my husbands ipad (supervised), we believe sharing is part of being a family. He really doesnt sound too pleasant, i suppose at the best you could say its as his kids are older but as a child his resentment must be noticeable. Would
Ring alarm bells for me.

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia · 02/09/2012 10:20

RedWallFlower - You have only been seeing him for 10 months and he thinks he can tell you how to discipline your children abs how you should keep your home? Angry

One is the most worrying bits is that he says he is giving this advice to 'help' you. He doesn't want to help you, he wants control. Can you imagine if (god forbid) you did let him live with you and he started to see himself as a step-father figure who had a right to tell your children off?

I think your gut instinct is telling you that something is not right about this relationship and maybe that's why you wanted other people's opinions. It might be an idea to post this in relationships as you'll get good advice there. Good luck & please let your children play where you wasn't them to play and do what you're happy with in YOUR house.

TheTermagantToaster · 02/09/2012 10:22

Hmm, in an ideal world my DH would live in toy-free, pristine house too. We've recently moved and are setting up DS's bedroom atm -DH has this dream of all toys living in there. He occasionally has a moan.

In RL, though, he knows he's got no fucking chance :o. We've worked together to get the storage right but fundamentally he knows he's being completely unreasonable and had no chance of getting what he wants.

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia · 02/09/2012 10:22

Where you want them to play!

Noqontrol · 02/09/2012 10:23

This sounds worrying. Your bf sounds controlling. Please really consider whether its a wise idea to let him into your children and your lives. The children only get one childhood, make it a good one, not one fraught with anxiety caused by their mothers live in boyfriend.

TheBigJessie · 02/09/2012 10:28

OP, please be VERY careful with contraception with this bloke!

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 10:30

I tell you what if some 10 month relationship blokey started laying down the law to me about MY kids in MY home he'd be out on his ear Angry. I am actually surprised that you can't see yourself how wrong this is. Think about it, would you go to HIS home and start laying down the law about his rules for his kids?

bruschetta · 02/09/2012 10:31

well he does have older childen so he probably knows best after all?!*!!???
I think it's a bit of a red flag that he seems a bit controlling andI'm tempted to cry "run for the hills!" but in an effort to be more balanced ...
I'm wondering how he reacts when you challenge his POV. Does he just accept a difference of opinion or is he more insistent that hs way is the right way?

DowagersHump · 02/09/2012 10:31

I agree that you need to follow up a threat with a punishment, especially with the older children. You're just undermining your authority with your children if you make empty threats.

That aside, telling you where your kids should and shouldn't play, and what they should play with, is a big red flag.

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 10:33

I wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do in my home with my children. You've only known him 10 months!!!

I wouldn't be moving him in either after a mere ten months. Not with kids so young around.

Sorry I know I sound preachy, but I don't want him taking over your house and laying down the law. He alread is showing the signs of it.

thebeesnees79 · 02/09/2012 10:34

I keep one room toy free in our house (the only room as an adult room) I can see his point.
however its a bit pedantic if one item of the kids finds its way into the room. In our living room I just pick anything up that's strayed in during the day and put it back in their bedrooms.
Mine are 3 & 5 I am expecting my third really soon so sure this rule will be lax when baby arrives

TheBigJessie · 02/09/2012 10:47

If he moves in with you, where will his children go on his weekends? If I was his ex-wife, I'd be rather doubtful about it all.

Seriously, there may be good advice occasionally spouted (I don't like empty threats, for example), but there's downright stupid advice in there, too! You'd be better off asking MNers to recommend a good parenting advice guide. None of those would tell you to put young children (including a two year old and four year old!) in their own room with colouring equipment and leave them there on their own!

CapuccinoCannoliLover · 02/09/2012 10:52

Agree with other posters. Alarm bells ringing for me too. He sounds very controlling and as though he doesn't like children. If he is like this now, as someone else said, how on earth would he behave if he moved in? It's your life, but if it was me I would get shot of him for your sake as well as your childrens. Not a nice character.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 10:57

If a man had anything to say about where and when my kids played, and was annoyed with a pencil case and had the nerve to say something, he would never set a foot back in my house again...huge red flag.

BuntCadger · 02/09/2012 10:59

Sorry but I'd have second thoughts about this guy. He's being very controlling

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 11:00

Show him the door, he has no right to tell you anything, as for criticizing you blimey is there a script hanging out of his back pocket by any chance?

Ephiny · 02/09/2012 11:03

I agree it's none of his business. It's not his house, he's not their dad.

Personally I think if you're lucky enough to have a separate playroom, and a bedroom for each child (you must have a big house!) there's something to be said for trying to keep most of the toys and child-related mess in there! But that's not for him to decide.

Startailoforangeandgold · 02/09/2012 11:22

I think that the OPs post should read EXBF!

Original poster
RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 11:22

Thanks again. I think I do see it as red flag behaviour, and that's why I posted for affirmation. Clearly my kids and our family life come first, and I totally agree about ensuring the DCs have a happy childhood. Very important, given I'm separated from my exH. Thank you all for your thoughts.

OP posts:
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