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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids toys in the living room

149 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:24

I'm a single mum with 3dcs aged 6,4 and 2. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 10 months. He is a divorcee with 2 DCs, aged 12 and 9.
My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't allow the kids to have toys or play in my front room, because they have their own rooms, and a playroom outside. Yesterday he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table, as they'd been colouring in. Although I agree, they should be encouraged to play in their own rooms, and my living room is quite small, I think at times when I'm busy it's nice for the kids to play quietly where I am. They're still little after all.

Also he doesn't think I should be downloading games for them to play on my iPad, as it's my iPad, and they're too wee to play in such an expensive piece of kit. Yesterday he noticed my iPad had a wee dent on the corner, and blamed the kids for dropping it, or something.

This is the main thing we row about. I suggested we agree to disagree. I know he's keen for us to live together, and I wonder if this is driving his concerns about having mainly adult only space in the house.

Anyway. What's your thoughts? Thanks!

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 11:27

I think you sound great. I think my earlier post was a bit harsh, sorry. I had a similar experience and I am so determined for it never to happen again. I am sure you will make the right choices. You sound really switched on .

pumpkinsweetie · 02/09/2012 11:31

Alarm bells would be ding dinging in my ears. He is telling you what rules to enforce on your dcs after being together only 10m-in my honest opinion he should now be an ex

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 11:35

Hi Red just wanted to clarify my indignation was for him not you hun, you wouldnt have posted if you didnt already know something was off with this, hope weve all just confirmed what you obviously already know. x

Rubirosa · 02/09/2012 11:35

Your children, your house - your decision! I am amazed that after only 10 months he feels entitled to try to dictate to you about whether you let your own children use your iPad

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 11:35

No problem akemmafrost. I'm not that switched on, most often I just plod on, but it's important to get things right for the sake of my kids. I left exH due to his drinking, and DV, so that my kids wouldn't grow up thinking our relationship was normal. So maybe I'm not that good at choosing a partner, and I agree about being early to involve him in my dcs, But I do get lonely, at times. Anyway. There's always a something!

OP posts:

Foslady · 02/09/2012 11:41

Only just seen this and all I can say is phew RWF - glad you've seen the red flags now! I know things alter when a new person comes into the dynamic, but this guys being an arse! It's the kids home too - imagine if the kids when to his place and said to him that he could only have a book in the bedroom, nowhere else, and that he wasn't to touch their toys because he couldn't be trusted with them and got the blame if they saw anything amiss with them.......he'd be the 1st to say that they had no right to tell him how to have his home - and as the childrens mother don't worry about telling him the same about your family home!
A pencil case in the 'wrong room' ffs......could be interesting when they get their 1st lot of homework - are you to sit with them in their bedrooms and go through it with them there.......???
Sorry, but I hate this kind of controlling behaviour!

bringmesunshine2009 · 02/09/2012 11:49

What everyone else said. Lonliness is a bugger, but way way better than the sort of situation you left. Remember how hard it was to get out of that relationship and start again? You don't want to have to do that again. At the very least I'd be keeping hi. At arms length whilst I tried to dispassionately assess how controlling his behaviour was. There is always something, where are all the normal men?!

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 11:50

Hi Red,

I would say that you are vulnerable right now, and probably ripe for men like your ex and current bf to come along, as they pick up your emotional state.

but the big positive in this, is you have listened to your instincts and asked for clarification, i would follow up with some counselling to see where you can see things clearer sooner. Maybe to work through any issues left over from your ex too.

Best of luck and well done for seeing him for what potentially he could be.

AllPastYears · 02/09/2012 11:51

I think some of the "ditch the bastard" replies are rather extreme. Most people agree it's OK to have toys in the living room, but he made one comment, on a traumatic anniversary when he perhaps was feeling down and stressed. If he regularly uses controlling behaviour (you mentioned disciplining in another post) that's different, but I'd be wary at this stage rather than packing his bags.

UserNameNotAvailable · 02/09/2012 11:54

Run for the hills OP. IT will get worse once he's moved in. Think of your kids.

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 12:04

See, the comment about it being a traumatic anniversary is a bit to me. The OP called him on his frankly, rather LARGE overstepping of boundaries and he came up with that? Sounds like he jumped back over the line with an excuse that took the focus off his behaviour and got her feeling sorry for him.

Also it's not the only thing or time he has said anything is it. It's starting to be a bit of a recurring theme with him. He is basically trying to control and criticise how she deals with the most important relationships in her life, her children. I think it's really worrying, especially this early on.

OstrichSized · 02/09/2012 12:09

He sounds like he's parenting from the manual they gave our 100 years ago. That old adage of the children should be seen and not heard.

My very first "leave the bastard" and I've rethought this a bit before posting.

You sound lovely and well done for being courageous with protecting your children from your ex.

apostropheuse · 02/09/2012 12:37

This man really needs to be your ex. Seriously.

He's going to gnaw away at your self-confidence in your abilities as a parent until you're following his advice (read that as orders) all the time.

Your two year old in particular is far too young for unsupervised play, probably the four year old too. I'm also a firm believer that it's the children's home too and of course they should be able to have toys in the main room the family meet in.

I live in what it's trendy to call a "multi-generational household" - in other words, one of my daughters and her two children live with me. My living/dining room looks like a branch of ELC/Hamleys! We have a Tower of Doom, easel, large Little Tykes wooden kitchen, garage, building blocks, two large tubs of toys, two smaller tubs of toys,a baby swing, bumbo and a Fisher Price Jumperoo in our room. My hall's small so the puschair has to live in this room too.

But, when your children grow up a little and are more "into" computer games etc you suddenly realise just how short their young lives are. You will actually begin to miss those brightly coloured plastic toys that gave the children so much pleasure.

I have plenty of time to regain my adult type living room and my grandchildren will have a happy time to look back on, just like my grown up children have.

With all due respect, if I were you I would tell him in no uncertain terms where he could find a child-free toy-free household!

Shutupanddrive · 02/09/2012 12:43

Another 'leave tha bastard' from me too

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 02/09/2012 12:53

haven't read all the comments as don't want my first impressions to be tainted witht the views of others.
I feel that sitting with your BF and letting him know that you are the parent, you are not looking for a new daddy for the children. It is your home, your rules and you understand that he might not be comfortable with it, and in that case he knows what his options are.

Let him know that this is non negotiable information.
See how he deals with that..

cozietoesie · 02/09/2012 12:59

The problem, NeverKnowinglyUnderstood, is that if you're dealing with a controlling man, you might win a particular battle and relax - but then the low level stuff starts again and you build up to yet another confrontation on a (often subtly) different topic. And then again....and again..... while all the while your self confidence and strength is being worn away. It's not an easy situation - and the OP did refer to 'the main (my bolding) thing we row about'. It looks as if there's more here.

I think the OP really needs to look at this coldly and dispassionately and consider her position as an individual and a mother.

You might wish to ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships. Might be a better place for it.

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 13:08

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. Its great to have objective opinions

OP posts:

VerityBrulee · 02/09/2012 13:08

OP this kind of behaviour would really bother me. If I were you I, I would much prefer to be on my own with my dc, making my own rules, than have to put up with this kind of nonsense from a man. Life's too short. You will find someone much nicer

McHappyPants2012 · 02/09/2012 13:56

My dd is 3 and all though she is safe on the stairs I don't like her playing up in her room on her own all the time.

I do allow a few toys down stairs but at night they go back up.

I wouldn't dream of telling other people how to run there homes, especially if I was in a new relationship

CoolaSchmoola · 02/09/2012 15:37

Control is a form of domestic abuse. It may not be as physically traumatic as domestic violence, but it is equally as damaging and soul destroying, and it will affect children too.

The fact that he reacted to something as small as a pencil case on YOUR table in YOUR house rings huge alarm bells for me. If he moves in what will he be like in what will then be our house (for which he will no doubt substitute MY house?

Please please realise that control is another form of the abuse you have escaped from and do not let this man pull you back into another abusive relationship. Your ex used physical violence to control you - this man is using words. But the end result is the same.

ENormaSnob · 02/09/2012 16:11

He sounds a controlling prick.

Get rid for yours and your dcs sakes.

thegreylady · 02/09/2012 16:16

My dd has one toy free room downstairs but that tends to be where she and her dh sit after the dc [5&3]are in bed.Most of the toys are in the big front room which also has comfy chairs,books and a tv so it is family space.Your dc are too young to be banished in order to play.

KellyElly · 02/09/2012 16:45

It's your house and your kids. What right does he have to comment. Sounds a bit controlling to me. If that was me I wouldn't be moving in with him any time soon.

BratinghamPalace · 02/09/2012 17:05

Seems to me Red that a big danger could be him trying to discipline the children for you. Men like that are very manipulative and they end up dominating you, your home and your children.
Good luck. Being lonely is a bugger but much better to be lonely alone rather than that dreadful loneliness of a bad or malfunctioning relationship. Sending you wine, flowers and hugs and chocolate! Oh, a foot rub also!

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 17:12

Cheers BP!

OP posts:

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