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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids toys in the living room

149 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:24

I'm a single mum with 3dcs aged 6,4 and 2. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 10 months. He is a divorcee with 2 DCs, aged 12 and 9.
My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't allow the kids to have toys or play in my front room, because they have their own rooms, and a playroom outside. Yesterday he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table, as they'd been colouring in. Although I agree, they should be encouraged to play in their own rooms, and my living room is quite small, I think at times when I'm busy it's nice for the kids to play quietly where I am. They're still little after all.

Also he doesn't think I should be downloading games for them to play on my iPad, as it's my iPad, and they're too wee to play in such an expensive piece of kit. Yesterday he noticed my iPad had a wee dent on the corner, and blamed the kids for dropping it, or something.

This is the main thing we row about. I suggested we agree to disagree. I know he's keen for us to live together, and I wonder if this is driving his concerns about having mainly adult only space in the house.

Anyway. What's your thoughts? Thanks!

OP posts:

Pinkforever · 02/09/2012 09:46

Get rid of him NOW. I had a stepdad like this. He was ocd about tidiness. I was once dragged down the stairs by the hair of my head and kicked because I had left a book on my bed. Another time I narrowly missed being hit by a vhs player because he was decorating again-another obsession of his.

He wont change-he is telling you what he is like-a controlling twunt-listen to him....

shaky · 02/09/2012 09:47

I have a 2.9yr old ds, we keep most of his toys downstairs, they live in a cupboard and get tidied away at night.

He has a bookcase of teddies in his bedroom and plays with them first thing in the morning.

I prefer to think that his bedroom is for sleeping, it is not a playroom. I would rather him play downstairs with us rather than be left alone in his bedroom.

That is just my own opinion though, you can do what you want in your own house with your children.

KenLeeeeeee · 02/09/2012 09:47

Alarm bells going off here I'm afraid.

I can't help but wonder if he's always been so intolerant of small children and that's why he's separated from his kids' mother. Personally, anyone who interfered that much with my parenting would be told to fuck off. I hate the "children should be seen and not heard" way of thinking. By all means teach kids the importance of looking after their toys and putting them away when they're not being played with, but banishing them to another room is just mean.

PopcornCity · 02/09/2012 09:47

YANBU

TheMightyMojoceratops · 02/09/2012 09:47

Yes, the kids have bedrooms - so do adults, and I bet his stuff isn't all confined to his room at his house, is it?

Your house is a family home. To try and eradicate signs that you have a family from your living room is just weird, imo.

ll31 · 02/09/2012 09:50

all you mention is his annoyance at your kids stuff nothing about what he thinks about your kids-probably thats v telling...

TheBigJessie · 02/09/2012 09:51

How would you feel if a work collegue came around to your house and criticised you over what you did with your very own iPad? Or criticised you for having evidence of children in your house?

I'd hit the roof! And I'd hit the roof if it was a boyfriend doing it.

Furthermore, your boyfriend's unrealistic expectations (such as wanting a two year old to colour in on their own in his/her room, which is a great way to acquire toddler art on the wall ) make me suspect he had very little to do with parenting his own children when they were young. Seriously, I can see why he's divorced.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 02/09/2012 09:52

When my DS was 2 I really wouldn't have wanted him to play on his own locked away in his room - depressing and a bit dangerous.

It's called a "living" room. It's the space for family.

He sounds a bit controlling, and on the brink of him moving into your space and having an effect on your family, I'd be talking about his issues in a bit more detail before I felt comfortable with the move.

ErikNorseman · 02/09/2012 09:52

I'd be fucking furious if a boyfriend thought he had the right to argue with me about where I let my son play and with what. I'm not sure he would be a boyfriend for long.

mumto2andnomore · 02/09/2012 09:52

Agree with everyone else, ditch him he sounds controlling and like he doesn't really want the kids around

Waitingforastartofall · 02/09/2012 09:53

I have kids toys everywhere, this is their house as well as mine. in the living room they have consoles and various figures on the sides needed for game along with 3 toyboxes. As long as they tidy up i dont mind the house looks lived in, because it is!
Id be gutted if my dcs stayed in their bedrooms the whole time!.

lovebunny · 02/09/2012 09:54

you're not living with him. get rid.
he's not a nice man.

and in your own home, no-one has the right to tell you where your children's toys (or anything else) should be.

kim147 · 02/09/2012 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:54

Thanks for your thoughts. To be honest that's how I feel. They're my children, it's our house, and they're wee to be expected to play in their rooms or the playroom, especially the youngest one. I think kids at this age enjoy the security of a parent at hand.
Also, he was showing me old photos and I took notice that there were toys in his living room, jigsaws at the kitchen table, and when I took him to task, he laughed and said, well I've lost the moral high ground now! I think he's forgotten what it's like to be around wee kids. He split up with his ex when his kids were 3 and 6.
To put some context to our argument last night, he then went on to tell me he wasn't his usual self as it was the anniversary of a few of his friends deaths in an accident 6 years ago. So maybe that's why he was irritated. Anyway, he went home.

OP posts:

Cluffyfunt · 02/09/2012 09:54

Oh dear

He sounds like my DMs Ex.

He hated mine and my siblings stuff in the living room or dining room. Even doing homework at the dining table (between meals FFs!) was not allowed.

Because of him and his resentment, my childhood was ruined.
I felt unwelcome in my home ie I felt I couldn't eat 'his' food so developed an eating disorder.
I would come home from school and stay in my room till dinner and then return when I had cleaned up.

If the iPad is yours and yours alone, why is he trying to dictate who should use it?

He resents your DC
If you speak to him about it, he will probably make all the right noises but he is showing you a glimps of his true colours (only a glimps because it's still not his home and is on his best behaviour) he will get worse if he moves in.

Sorry x

Nagoo · 02/09/2012 09:54

I would not let him move in, and I think I would see him for 'dates' but not let him engage with the DC too much because he is already trying to lay the law down.

I think I'd call time on it, TBH as your youngest is so small. It's not like you've got 5 years and then they will all be grown up and you and he can get on with your child-free lives.

I could not and would not expect my children to hide away in their rooms.

I do put the DCs stuff away at night. But during the day my house is supposed to be filled with pens and playdoh and toys.

snortwithmirth · 02/09/2012 09:55

One of the perks of being single is not having to put up with someone telling you how you can and can't live.
You owe this guy nothing, he's not your children's father and you're not married. I would get rid now, enjoy being single, living how you and your children want to live.
There really is no need to put up with tossers like this.

cozietoesie · 02/09/2012 09:56

Cast your mind back dispassionately, OP, and ask whether he's ever complained about/changed other things. It may not have been big enough to merit a 'row' (your OP) but eg - moved the position of the kettle, said that it might be better to have the TV in another corner, rearranged a kitchen cupboard because it's more 'logical' that way?

Just think.

Goldidi · 02/09/2012 09:56

He would absolutely hate my house then. Dd2 is 2.5 and has all her toys stored in the living room and up til last week I didn't even have enough storage for them so quite a lot of them were out in a big pile all the time.

Dd1 had all of her stuff in the living room til she was about 6 or 7. Dp moved in when she was 7 and has never ever had an issue with the kids using the house as their home and playing wherever we are. He would not have been my bf for long if he'd been bothered as we wouldn't have been changing.

Cluffyfunt · 02/09/2012 09:59

Oh and I haven't spoken to my DM for over 4 years now.
This is because of how she let me down when I was a helpless child.
You sound a lot better than my DM though.

ChasedByBees · 02/09/2012 10:01

No no no! Just to add my voice to what everyone else said, he's crossing a line now as this is none of his business. I dread to think what it would be like for your children if you lived together. I can't honestly see that you have a future with a man like this.

Waitingforastartofall · 02/09/2012 10:05

i imagine that if he doesnt live with his dc's he has grown used to his own space but if he wont compromise i would get rid. sd is 10 and she doesnt have many toys downstairs purely because all her stuff is in her room. but she does play down here with the boys with lego, cars ect. Young childrens stuff is spread about the house so they can be a part of whatever it is your doing not shut away. well done on standing up for your kids!

TheBigJessie · 02/09/2012 10:07

At best, taking the optimistic view, this man is going to constantly say, "MY children never did that!"

I have an older relative who's a bit "children should be seen, not heard". Every time he's a bit of a prat, I ask his ex-wife about how their children really were! I think she wishes she'd divorced him earlier!

loverofwine · 02/09/2012 10:07

At the risk of going against the flow I think he has a good point (although maybe quite extreme). I have four boys and we have a zero tolerance rule to toys in 'non toy' i.e. playroom or bedrooms areas of the house. It sounds a bit Nazi but it really works in getting them to understand that there are 'their' bits of the house and our bits and we should all respect each others space. It also prevents the place descending into chaos..

I went on a course about raising kids once which said that if you can impose little boundaries (like official toy areas) then they get it when you try and impose bigger ones.

cozietoesie · 02/09/2012 10:10

But to have 'rows' about it loverofwine? With a person with whom you're in a new relationship?

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