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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids toys in the living room

149 replies

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 09:24

I'm a single mum with 3dcs aged 6,4 and 2. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for 10 months. He is a divorcee with 2 DCs, aged 12 and 9.
My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't allow the kids to have toys or play in my front room, because they have their own rooms, and a playroom outside. Yesterday he was annoyed when he noticed a pencil case on the table, as they'd been colouring in. Although I agree, they should be encouraged to play in their own rooms, and my living room is quite small, I think at times when I'm busy it's nice for the kids to play quietly where I am. They're still little after all.

Also he doesn't think I should be downloading games for them to play on my iPad, as it's my iPad, and they're too wee to play in such an expensive piece of kit. Yesterday he noticed my iPad had a wee dent on the corner, and blamed the kids for dropping it, or something.

This is the main thing we row about. I suggested we agree to disagree. I know he's keen for us to live together, and I wonder if this is driving his concerns about having mainly adult only space in the house.

Anyway. What's your thoughts? Thanks!

OP posts:

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 17:13

I agree with coola. I think you should re read that because its important to be aware of the signs of getting with another abusive guy. Awareness is so important.

He sounds like a potential stepdad from hell!

TroublesomeEx · 02/09/2012 19:14

My DD is 6 and has only just started playing in her own or another room. Until a few weeks ago, most of her toys were in wicker baskets in the corner of the living room and we rotated them on a regular basis with the other toys in her room.

4 and 2 is definitely too young for them to be playing in their own rooms. That's lonely for them and small children like the reassurance of knowing their parents are around.

Besides, these are your children playing on your ipad and playing with toys in rooms in your house. I'm not sure why he thinks he has any say tbh!

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 19:55

It also sounds a bit like he would prefer them out the way. Not good!

Have you decide what you're going to do op?

balotelli · 02/09/2012 20:19

I have 1 DD 3yr and I cant think of a room in the house that doesnt have at least one of her toys in it.

SHe is encouraged to use her house to play. I would never dream of insisting that she plays in her room!

Original poster

RedWallflower · 02/09/2012 20:36

Hi PooPoo
Well general consensus is that it is red flag behaviour, which really backs up my concerns. I think he likes things in order, and says its a hazard having toys strewn around.... But really it's OUR house, and I love having my kids playing away whilst I'm around the kitchen etc. I think he fails to realise just how young they are, and maybe hasn't had much input with his own kids, as he split from his wife when they were small. Also the iPad thing, well as some of you have said, it's mine and if I'm happy for it to be clarted in jam that's up to me!
I will lay it on the line, assert my boundaries, and expectations, and take it from there.
Thank you all very much x

OP posts:

Welshguy · 02/09/2012 20:50

My first child is not even born yet, and already our living room is filled with toys and stuff. As a bloke, I'm more than happy with this. I want to be as close and involved with my daughter, not stick her away in a room upstairs. This chap strikes me as self centred and controlling. I suspect that this may be why his previous relationship ended.

I would let him live his life elsewhere. He is not good for your children or for you.

wishfulthinking1 · 02/09/2012 20:57

Wow..... I'm not sure whether to post this, whether I've missed something, because I just dont agree with lots of the comments made. At all. So, if I've missed something I'm really sorry....

But he's your boyfriend, right? You've been together almost a year- I assume your relationship is fine- plenty of people live together /get married/ start families when they've been together a similar amount of time. It seems to me that he has an opinion on how something should be done, 'toys should be in the playroom' and he shared it. He's not demanded that all toys be removed from the living areas, he was just annoyed one time by something that hadn't been put away.

And why shouldn't he have an opinion on whether children can use the iPad? I'm sure when I've got kids my dh and I will disagree on how things are done, but we'll reach a compromise.

He may only be a boyfriend, but if you're serious about each other, and you're trying to build a life together, then why shouldn't he express his feelings and opinions?

I completely agree that controlling behaviour is a big red-flag, but surely having an opinion isn't?

NowThenWreck · 02/09/2012 20:58

I am a bit strict about toys in my bedroom e.g they are not allowed, but then it's my house, and my rules.
If some bloke started telling me what to do with my kids he would be out.
I am single too, and I know how hard it is to find a man, but I would never take that.

oldraver · 02/09/2012 21:05

He's being silly about the living room but had a point about the I-pad, but it isnt his place to tell you what you should be doing

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 21:07

No HE doesn't have a point about the iPad because it's NOTHING to do with him.

It's up to the OP. DD has using my iPad since she was 3 and she is great with it. It's up to the owner of the iPad. NO ONE else gets a say.

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 21:11

I just don't believe him. He says its a hazard but he's come up with other reasons too hasn't he? (haven't got time to read back) so i suspect he's just coming up with lots of different things to try to back up how he thinks the rules should be in your house, rather than him actually having a strong opinion based on anything much. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense! In a hurry!

wishfulthinking1 · 02/09/2012 21:16

"no-one else gets a say", "it's nothing to do with him"

Seriously? What sort of relationship is that? A new relationship is hard, x10000 when you add children into the mix. But it's a relationship! I think that if my girlfriend had a 'it's my way or the highway/ nothing you say or think counts' attitude I would think that she was very controlling and would be out of there pronto!

(not saying that the op has that attitude, but it does seem to be prevalent in th comments here)

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 21:22

No one else gets a say in MY kids using MY IPad that I paid for, no siree!

NowThenWreck · 02/09/2012 21:22

If it comes to something serious that you do with your kids, that your boyfriend doesn't agree with, then it is OK if he sits you down and has a discussion about it, but this situation sounds very much like him trying to dominate the situation, and control the way she brings up her kids.
When you are in a relationship with kids involved you have to basically tread on eggshells to make sure you respect the way things are in someone elses family.
Yes, it's hard, but thems the breaks.
I wouldn't interfere with my bf's rules for his kids unless I actually felt that some damage was being done.
And in my house, it is my way or the highway.

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 21:24

But they're HER kids, it's HER home and it's HER iPad.

At 10 months in I am sorry but it is my way or the high way, if my gut feeling tells me that his thoughts and opinions on my kids are wrong.

Let him boss his own kids about!

suebfg · 02/09/2012 21:24

He sounds like an arse, sorry!

KellyElly · 02/09/2012 21:31

Wishful if he was a step dad then yes but the OP calls herself a single mum and him her boyfriend rightly so as they don't live together. So in this situation no I don't think he has the right to get involved and especiallt to row with her about how she parents her kids. Also a pencil case on the table - that is really over the top to be angry about that. She's got small children and that's to be expected.

NamesKerry · 02/09/2012 21:36

Sounds to me like he wants them out of the way too. They're not his kids, they irritate him and they're getting in the way of his relationship with you.

Personally, I don't think he should be telling you how to run your own house and your children should feel comfortable and be able to play with toys in their own front room.

I've been with my partner for 3.5 years, he has 5 year old DS who loves train sets, puzzles, building dens out of throws and cushions etc. The sitting room is often an obstacle course and it can be awkward to get from one end of the room to another sometimes but he's a little boy enjoying his childhood.

I've often wished I could ban CBBC though! ;)

WildWorld2004 · 02/09/2012 21:41

At 10 months into a relationship you should only just IMO be thinking about introducing your kids to your partner. At 10 months into a relationship your partner should not be dictating what happens with your kids.

TapirBackRider · 02/09/2012 21:41

I've only skim read the thread, so don't know if somebody else has posted this link.

www.towerofpower.com.au/controlling-people#

Give it a read - if it sounds awfully familiar, please, listen to your intuition (and us)!

WildWorld2004 · 02/09/2012 21:43

NamesKerry i think even most parents would want to ban cbbc sometimes.

akaemmafrost · 02/09/2012 21:46

"Do you think your kids are a bit young to be playing it with your iPad RW?"

"no they're really good with it and get a lot our of it"

End of convo.

"lots of toys down here RW, do you not like a bit of space and for toys to be kept in their rooms?"

"no they're still really little and I like them where I can see them, it's their home too"

End of convo

NOT

"this is the main thing we row about" why are they rowing? How in any way should the above discussions lead to a row? Unless he is a controlling prick trying to force his way onto the OP.

And he was angry because a pencil case was left on the table by 2, 4 and 6 year olds . Why would he be angry unless he's a controlling prick who thinks its fine to get angry when he doesn't get his own way about something.

Do you see the difference?

Wigglewoo · 02/09/2012 21:52

Haven't had time to read the whole thing but I think he sounds like an arse!!! Little children should play wherever they like, even better in the living room with a parent around and interacting with them. I think its really sad to actively encourage small children to play elsewhere away from you.

Tell him to get fucked.

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 21:54

I also think you should be much more cautious in future about introducing boyfriends into your children's lives. I would want to know someone inside out before I introduced someone. I waited 2+ years before I brought my dp home to meet the kids. If you are cautious then situations like this are less likely to arise

Hope that doesn't sound too bossy I've seen one friend of mine break her kids' hearts more than once by introducing ken to them who turn out to be arseholes. I vowed not to make that mistake

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 21:54

Ken= men

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