To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

[weddingfamilywoes]

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

I think OP you need to decide who you would rather have there; your mother, or your stepmother because tbh, rightly or wrongly, it doesn't sound like both is going to be a viable option. I imagine if you 'put your foot down' you may drive your mother away. If that is something you can cope with in the long term then by all means, invite your stepmother.

It sounds like your mother has quite significant depression and the oh so helpful comments on here of telling her to snap out of it will not work. So, as I said, I think you need to decide who you would rather have in attendance.

Like I said, dh's mother didn't come to our wedding and honestly wasn't missed. Had it been the same situation with my mother, also not a problem. I only wanted people there who wanted to be there above all else. Dh's brother's then gf actually called me to tell me I should uninvite Fil and his partner or they were not coming as a show of support to Mil. I said don't come then, you won't ruin the day and I will not be held to ransom thanks all the same.

Twenty years floundering around in this bitterness and anger is toxic for your mother and harmful to you all. You will be doing her a kindness if you step up and say STOP, this has gone on long enough.

Please do not back down and exclude your SM in order to placate your mum, no matter how tempting. I really feel for you OP. I am also the adult child of divorced parents ( as is DH).

MIL threatened not to come to our wedding as DH was inviting his Dad and SM (32 years after the divorce). DH said "shame, you'll miss a lovely day", and didn't budge.

Sure enough, she was there on the day.

We had all sorts of blackmail coming our way from people who wouldn't attend if so and so is coming. and I tell you we were having bloody NONE OF IT.

It is the height of selfishness and rudeness to try and get your own way about any wedding that is not yours.

It is so unfair on your Dad and SM who are being reasonable about this when your Mum is behaving like Veruca Salt and making threats so she can get her own way.

I understand she might not take kindly to a GP suggestion, but it is time for a full and frank discussion. It's so sad you've waited this long because you don't know how to get the wedding you want without her breathing down your neck about it. Please explain to her the effect it's having on your life. If she still stands firm after that then don't invite her on the grounds "she might not cope". I bet you she'll change her mind.

Be unmoveable on this one OP. Control Freaks need to have control taken away from them.

Is she genuinely depressed or is she only "depressed" when she doesnt get her own way?

And taking tranqs before a weddding? I dont believe that, I have taken them to help me sleep and they make you very spaced out and not "with it" for several hours. I think she is laying it on thick to make you feel bad and do what she wants.

To my knowledge, tranquilisers arent prescribed for panic attacks, beta blockers tend to be given if anything as they help to stop the physical symptoms developing. And anyway, it doesnt sound like panic attacks to me but tantrums when things dont go her way!

You do need to get a hold on this because as Folkgirl said, it will only get worse as the years go by. You shouldnt be held to ransom (good phrase Perfumed!) over this.

Sounds like something from the 1940's. When the doctors would prescribe something for the poor shocked woman...

OP I really feel for you-I had almost exactly the same situation, even down to the timescales. The only difference was that my step mother is the woman my dad left my mum for. My mother through plenty of fits and made it awful-I couldn't imagine not having my step mother their as she and my dad had married when I was 10 and she's family.

In the end I invited them all to the wedding and my mother just had to put up with it. I did compromise though as we had an afternoon reception with my mum and then an evening one with my dad and stepmother. It was a bit of an exhausting way to do it but did make it all a bit calmer! My mum is very old school though and thinks evening receptions are unnecessary and tacky so wasn't at all bothered about the evening as she didn't want the wedding to carry on that long anyway. I was sad my dad wasn't there at the traditional father of the bride speech bit but he did it in the evening instead.

It's very easy to say 'your min just needs to grow up', and of course it's true and I said it to my own mother countless times. But ultimately you can't force someone else to be accepting or forgiving or to behave as they should/you want them to. The question you have to ask yourself is if you invite your step mother will your mother still come to the wedding? If she didn't could you ever be ok with that?

For what it's worth, when DD was christened I invited all three to church and the party afterwards. Mum was upset but having gone through the wedding fiasco a few years ago I found it much easier to say 'tough, it's not about you.'

THREW fits.

\She is genuinely depressed, and to be clear it's not like she is going around saying "Im depressed", it's how I'm describing her as I recognise the signs. Like I said before, she has quite low self-esteem, so my and my siblings' behaviour can often be perceived to be a slight to her. Eg. if we visit at Christmas but leave on Boxing day, then we have "abandoned" her and left her on her own over the Christmas period.

Does it make a difference if she is genuinely depressed or not? Should I be making more allowances for her if she is?

She definitely took that tranquilizer on the wedding day, and I think I said before that it was probably prescribed for a long haul flight because I know she has taken them before for that purpose. She was pretty spaced out on the wedding day. At one point she was stood with her hand on a chair just staring into space.

And THERE not their. FGS.

AS previous posters have said, this situation will not go away. It will crop up on every occassion for the rest of your mums life.

Do you really want that?

No you shouldn't be making more allowances for her, but fewer.

She feels abandoned if you leave after one day at Christmas? She is emotionally blackmailing you over that as well - it's only because you've lived your life for the last 20 years like this that you haven't realised.

I think Thumb is right in that you dont seem to realise how much you have been manipulated.

Depression isnt about low self esteem, whining when you dont get your own way, or emotional blackmail and thats why I asked if she has been diagnosed with it it because it really doesnt sound to me like she is depressed. What it does sound like is someone who sulks when they dont get their own way and lays it on thick to their children in order to get them doing exactly what she wants. Just because someone spends their time moaning and looking miserable doesnt mean they have clinical depression.

I think you need to talk to someone about healthy parent/child relationships in order to help you see that you dont have one, and how to deal with it.

Have a look on this website and see if there are any comments that flag up for you.

Not saying that she has a personality disorder but she certainly seems very self absorbed and perhaps you will find some good ways of dealing with her on there.

horrible situation for you op. I am sure you will come to the right decision.

If you want to elope that sounds fine to me, and have a or several parties afterwards with various family members. glad you dad and sm are Behaving

You should read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, wedding there's a whole chapter on people like your mum.

Sorry OP, but your mum sounds like an attention seeking diva.. and it also sounds like everyone has tiptoed around her letting her get away with it for the last 20 years too.

What a sad wasted life she has had though. :( Instead of getting on with life, rebuilding it, and enjoying things, she has spent two decades wallowing in self pity.

bogeyface she sounds like she has a personality disorder to me too.
a depressive would not manipulate or try to control others in this way, they would be to self absorbed with their own problems etc.

Yeah let's not go around diagnosing personality disorders! Suffice to say that pandering to her will be more problematic for the future, lots of people are sadly divorced and they behave sensibly enough that I'm sure she can manage it too.

Ok thanks everyone, it sounds like there is a consensus that I should not pander to her. I have heard of the Toxic Parents book, so I'll give that a try.

I don't think she intends to go around upsetting people. Rather I think she feels justified in expecting certain things, and then is genuinely upset when she doesn't get them. Almost like she lives in a different world than the rest of us. She can be a difficult person to be with at times, although there are great sides to her too. I've never really known how to deal with her effectively or change things to be honest. It's hard to constantly be trying to do nice things for her, only to sometimes get them thrown back in my face and be told that no one cares about her. Seems like this thread has become more of a discussion about my mum than anything else!

Sounds like it's not before time, WFW!!

Whether or not she has a personality disorder, she is inherently selfish and self-absorbed and the rest of you are just dancing to her tune without questioning why you're doing so. She probably doesn't intend to upset people - I expect she thinks that everything would be fine so long as she always gets her way and no one tries to cross her!

I was reading a thread the other day about someone else's mother - the analogy was drawn with the behaviour of a 6yo, which is when everything IS all mememe - but for that mother (and possibly yours) they never emotionally developed beyond being 6. So everything stayed being "mememe" and it's been that way every since.

Might try and find it for you now...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1553348-furious-with-my-mother-since-becoming-a-mother - here you are - the specific bit I remembered is in one of AttilatheMeerkat's posts. I'm not saying at all that your mother is the same as the one in this thread; but there are similarities that may ring bells for you.

The thing is though OP, it is ALL about your mother. Nobody else in the family seems to be demanding or making it all about them.

I would say you are right, she doesnt go around intentionally upsetting people, BUT she does expect everything to go how she wants it to go, or she kicks up a fuss and makes you all feel sorry for her. It sounds very passive aggressive, and extremely manipulative, as well as draining for everyone but her.

WFW, your OP could have been written by my DH. Although DH and his siblings invited the step mother to weddings, Christenings etc, she always declined out of deference to DH's grandmother, who took the divorce almost harder than his mother. There have been over a dozen big, family events that the step mother has missed - and DH's father has attended on his own - because of the situation.

Recently DH's grandmother passed away and we decided enough was enough, and made clear that we wanted all parties to attend our youngest's christening. The step mother attended; DH's mother got a "migraine" and didn't attend, his sister (who is close to his mother) found that one of her children was "too poorly" to attend, so none of her family group came either.

We suspected that this might happen, so you might wonder why we chose to do it this way. The main reason was our son, who enjoys a relationship with all his grandparents, understands that Grandad and Granny used to be married but aren't anymore and now Grandad is married to Nanny, but doesn't get why Nanny isn't ever at the parties or in the photos for weddings etc. A valid question! We've decided that we will continue to invite everyone, and would hope that after nearly 25 years everyone could be grown up about it, even if only for the grandchildren. Maybe one day...

My exH married the OW. We split when DD was about 18 months old, she is now 16. I wouldn;t even contemplate not inviting the step mum to any significant event of DD's! She is part of her life.
Actually, I got over myself a long time ago in this regard. I am able to stay at their house and them here (we live about 150 miles apart) when it is necessary. I don't know how she feels, obviously, but we seem to get on in a civilised way. DD doesn't even know why we split up. It's a non-issue. If she asked I would tell her, but she hasn't.
OP, invite all 3, let all 3 know the situation, let them sort it out.

This is your day and you invite who you want to celebrate it with you.
Would you give in to a young child for throwing a temper tantrum/ sulk because you would not get them the sweets they wanted? of course not, because by doing that you are allowing that behaviour to continue to the point they rule your life 100% and that is the behaviour your Mum is exhibiting.

There comes a time in the parent/child relationship that the roles reverse and the child has to become the parent, (if that makes sense) and looking at your post this has happened. It will not be easy for you and I can fully empathise with your situation but I personally would sit her down and calmly but firmly tell her that you want both your parents to celebrate your wedding and also your stepmother and that is what you intend to happen, tell her that if this is a massive problem and if she cannot be part of an amicable solution then she must be the problem which you expect to be solved before the wedding day because you love her and really want her to be there.