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furious with my mother since becoming a mother....

(48 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 16:04:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My only advice would be not to have a confrontation. It will end up hurting you more because she will turn it all around on you and deny theres a problem.

Im going through similar and honestly its really hard. But I dont have any advice sad

I have went no contact though because I didnt feel I could continue being hurt by her behaviour.

Beamur Fri 31-Aug-12 16:14:34

I think once you have a child it does give you a perspective on your parents you didn't have before - which isn't always a nice experience!
I get on well with, and am close to my Mum, BUT, having read some of the narcissistic parents threads have come to the conclusion that my Dad has a lot of those characteristics - I have very little contact with him as it just winds me up and I don't actually like him very much - he lives a long way away so it's quite easy to do this. However, my annoyance with my Mum has also stemmed from some conversations about 'how could you let x or y happen?' In my case, I'm not sure rehashing these feelings will do any good, my Mum was in a difficult position at the time (they are divorced now) and we are in a good relationship now. Things like my Dad did not really like having me around as a child and I was foisted off onto my Grandparents (who were ace) a lot of the time. My Mum got upset when I asked her why she let that happen so much if she didn't want it to.
My advice, FWIW, is to try not to beat yourself up about it, there isn't much you can do to change your Mum and she will never see things the way you do. Keep contact at a level that you are comfortable with. I find meeting my Dad for lunch/dinner a couple of times a year is enough for me.

Your mother being self absorbed, has no empathy whatsoever and only cares about her own self would fit the NPD criteria. This will not change and trying to appeal to a narc's better nature is about as effective as spitting in the sea i.e a pointless action. You did not make her this way; her own birth family did that. What do you know about her own childhood btw?.

I would not feel too sorry for your dad in all this - all narcissistic mothers need a willing enabler to assist them and your dad is one such person. These weak men often act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I daresay too he has never managed - or even wanted to protect you or your sister properly from the excesses of your mother's behaviours. He was just glad that you copped the excesses of her behaviour on occasion rather than him.

In my view distance from them both emotional and physical is key. It is not possible to my mind to have a relationship with a narcissist as the goalposts keep moving all the time.

BTW your sister as golden child - well that is a role itself not without price. People from dysfunctional families play roles; yours is scapegoat. Your dad's role is bystander. Many children now adults of toxic parents have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt so your sadness is understandable. However, you have to protect both you and your son from such people because they will keep on hurting you emotionally.

You are doing so well to stay away; hard as it is I would keep staying away and instead surround yourself and your son with positive role models rather than people who will delight in hurting you emotionally as well as letting you down often.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Aug-12 16:17:02

The only thing you can change is your reaction. If you're angry with something specific, articulate it rather than bottle it up. If you don't want to get angry, ignore the antics and spend less time with her. Above all be realistic. Don't, for example, set unreasonable expectations of how she should behave towards your DS ... if you've got Mortisha Addams she is not going to turn into Mary Poppins... because that's setting everyone up for failure and disappointment.

tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 16:22:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I've just gone 'low contact' with my mother. It's the right thing to do.

We didn't talk to one another for 2 years (I iniciated, she knew my phone number/address etc) & then only got in contact because I got pregnant & thought it was 'right' that DC grew up knowing their Grandmother... overlooking that she's an utter cunt.

It feels like I'm doing something wrong denying DS contact with her but for me I can't be arsed dealing with her games, drama & failure to accept she was a shit mum.
I get more resentful towards her as DS is growing & I realise how little she looked, and it feels really unfair seeing how wonderful a relationship DH has with PIL, knowing I can never have that.

What wannabe says is how I feel too, a confrontation would be wasted.
I would pull away all contact from her & leave the ball in her court.
If she cba to come & see you/DS why should she be entitled to a relationship with you?
My best friend's mum has always been a 'mum' to me & she's a 'nana' to DS, so DS will have another loving family/house to visit when he's older...basically I'm rehashing what Attila said!

I am sorry that you, and anyone else has to go through this. ((unMN hug))

You won't turn out like your mother because you would not dream of treating your son in the abusive ways in which your mother (and father) treated you as a child. Also you have both insight and empathy; qualities that the narcissist lacks.

tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 16:31:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga Fri 31-Aug-12 16:33:41

Attila give some very good advice. I would simply add, you'll never change any of this because it's all in the past. All you can change is the present and future. Gradual withdrawal is best. Having a confrontation will not help you, it'll only upset you, and her warped way of looking at the world means it will only serve to support her existing attitude towards you, no matter how wrong it is.

Just be busy, fit her in occasionally, and concentrate on surrounding yourself and your son with happiness. You deserve it, and so does he.

tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 16:34:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I worry constantly that I will follow my mothers path. She kept me very isolated as a child, especially in my teens. Because of this I prefer my own company and push others away.

I worry that I will start to push DD away as she gets older.

For me, right now it feels like I am grieving for the parents I should have had. But the hardest part is that they had a good relationship with DD and now nothing. I blame myself even though its not my fault.

I also spent a lot of my early childhood with my dads mum. But when I favoured the warmth and security of that home my mum put a stop to it and isolated me further. Its really only now, at 25 that I have finally been able to admit it was abuse. Previously I had thought that because there was no violence it wasnt.

Busybusybust Fri 31-Aug-12 16:45:48

Tangerine - you may have hit the nail on the head there - it is possible that boarding school was so traumatic that it arrested her emotional development.

Tangerine, crying is good. Let the feelings out. Dont bottle it up and tell yourself its wrong to cry. You are right to feel whatever you feel.

I think that in order to come to terms with it you need to cry and rant and get pissed off. Write her letters that you never send. Because getting it out of your system is better than keeping it in. Hopefully in time the anger will ease and you will be able to move on. It will be hard. But it can get better!

It makes you wonder what sort of parents thought it fit to send a six year old year to a boarding school in another country. That's where her NPD started, it was in her childhood. This is why I stated you did not make her this way.

Interesting that you mentioned the "six year old" reference.

If you had a narcissist for a parent, you lived in a world governed by whim enforced without mercy.

Narcissists have normal, even superior, intellectual development while remaining emotionally and morally immature. Dealing with them can give you the sense of trying to have a reasonable discussion with a very clever six-year-old -- this is an age when normal children are grandiose and exhibitionistic, when they are very resistant to taking the blame for their own misbehavior, when they understand what the rules are (e.g., that lying, cheating, and stealing are prohibited) but are still trying to wriggle out of accepting those rules for themselves. This is the year, by the way, when children were traditionally thought to reach the age of reason and when first communions (and first confessions) were made.

Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more interesting comes along. With narcissists, there's also usually a fair element of "playing doctor," as well -- of childish sexual curiosity that may find expression in "seductive" behavior towards the child, such as inappropriate touching of the genitals, or it can also come out as "hypochondriacal" worries about the child's health and/or being most interested and attentive when the child is ill (thus teaching the child that the way to get Mother's kind attention is to get sick). Having a sick child can also be a way for the narcissistic mother to get the sympathetic attention of authority figures, such as doctors and teachers.

Also six year olds grow up, narcissists get stuck emotionally at six and not move on.

I have NPD relations and I have found that the only way to deal effectively with such people is to tell them nothing at all about my life and have as little contact with them as possible. Infact if these were my parents I would have cut all contact with them as soon as humanely possible because they are that ghastly.

tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 16:48:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schoolworries Fri 31-Aug-12 16:51:20

Op I feel so similar to you.

90% of the time Im ok and get on with life, but the other 10% creeps up on me and I feel such rage and anger and what my parents have put us through. Today I feel even depressed with all the bad things playing out in my memory.

I have tried no contact at all but it made me feel no better either.

I still want parents.

FoxSake Fri 31-Aug-12 16:55:15

I have had no real contact until last week, it has helped hugely although through my contact this week it is now glaringly obvious my mum has NPD, dd staying at her house, violently ill, her main concern is that dd won't remember her house as a fun place to be but will have negative memories, yes mum, that is what is important.

Reduce contact helps a lot smile

wannabe as well gives good advice re writing letters that you will never send.

It needs to be expressed in a safe and controlled environment, I would consider counselling for your own self. However, counsellors are like shoes so you need to find one that fits. Also you would need to see a counsellor that has knowledge of narcissistic personality disorder. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

I would reiterate that you won't turn out like your mother because you know that what happened to you as a child was abusive.

Re your comment:-
"For me, right now it feels like I am grieving for the parents I should have had.

That's normal

"But the hardest part is that they had a good relationship with DD and now nothing. I blame myself even though its not my fault".
Narcissitic grandparents often lose interest in grandchildren when they are older and answer back. They are of no interest to such people. TBH your DD is far better off without having such damaged people in her life sucking her very being dry. Blaming your own self is commonly expressed but it is a feeling that is truly misplaced.

You may also want to read "Children of the Self Absorbed" (this is for those raised by a narcissist parent/s). I cannot recall the author offhand but its available on amazon's website.

I actually dont know if my mum is narcissistic. A lot of the things attilla has described really arent her. But a lot of my experiences are like those of a child of a mother with NPD.

My mum is just cold. Low self esteem. Probably depressed. Selfish but not in an outward way. She denies everything I would ever say. She would twist details of events and then shout at me for correcting her. Shes paranoid too.

Shes the same with the newborn thing. Loves babies but loses interest. Probably why shes not fussed that she hasnt seen DD for months. My brother is the golden child. Im the difficult one.

Is she a narc or something else?

BeatriceBean Fri 31-Aug-12 17:00:26

Yup furious with my parents. My love for my children has made me wonder even more how my parents didn't have any maternal/paternal instinct and even more cross and confused as to how they could act/ not act the way they did.

I didn't have any family to take care of me so dragged self up but now could really do with someone to lean on. self pity day here.

Schoolworries Fri 31-Aug-12 17:01:52

Has anyone else experienced their parents trying to turn the whole extended family agaisnt them?

tangerinefeathers Fri 31-Aug-12 17:03:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fimbo Fri 31-Aug-12 17:05:04

I am an only child and my mother in narcisstic, my father died suddenly in April and it's gotten worse since she has been on her own. My cousin is "the golden child" whereas I am simply rotten to the core.

Fimbo Fri 31-Aug-12 17:06:23

All I want is a "parent". Sometimes it feels like role reversal though and she is the child because of the way she acts. I see dh with his parents and I positively crave what he has with them.

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