To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

[weddingfamilywoes]

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

I have a similar family situation OP and I see my stepdads kids ignore my mum and never include her for fear the ex-wife will be poorly behaved. My stepdad never says, but it hurts him badly that my mum is treated with such disrespect - like they've done something wrong by moving on with their lives and not being lonely forever. It is ultimately disrespectful of your dad to treat his partner such.

Your mom is an adult and responsible for herself - why let this fear ruin all future family events. Settle it now.

80sbabe - I think you DH did the right thing....how respectful is a son who can just barely find a space for his own father at the wedding and never even considers the mans wife? Mean, ridiculous and self indulgent behavior by that son. sorry you've BOTH been treated like second class citizens for so long. that is exactly how my mum and stepdad get treated by my stepdads kids - breaks my heart how much hurt they put up with, especially poor stepdad

Why can't everyone grow the fuck up and stop letting this petty nonsense affect what should be a lovely day?
Bloody divorced parents who can't get along civilly for one bloody day. I think it's a damn disgrace and I really feel for the adult children of these fuckwits who cannot bite the bullet and get over relationships that ended two decades ago.
And don't exclude your stepmum, your dad loves her very much and she should be invited to share his and your happiness of the day x

Your mother sounds very very selfish and how she acts and feels is not your fault, remember that. You should tell her firmly that you are inviting your dad and his wife and that is that. I feel for your having to deal with her selfish attitude.

80sbabe that is awful of your stepchildren! If their stepdad is invited to things why not you?! They should very immature. How awful for your dh too x

This is another example of what always baffles me. The person in a group who behaves badly is always catered to, and walked on eggshells around. Your mother is behaving shamefully. I want to shake her myself and say 'grow the fuck up'.

I would invite everyone, and put a sibling on 'mum meltdown watch'. The I would waft through my day and enjoy it.

I also think your mother needs therapy.

And to the other stepmother who has been in that position- I am so sorry. Your story is really sad and it must be so terribly hurtful.

Your situation echoes mine almost exactly (except my mother is a little unhinged and incredibly unpredictable).

It is also the reason why we didn't invite a single person to our wedding and drove to the other end of the country to do it on our own with just our children and a couple of witnesses.

The thing about your wedding day is that it is yours. Invite all 3 of them and tell your mother that it is your wedding day and you and your husband to be will be inviting your families and if she isn't happy about it, she can choose to not attend.

She has no right to make your wedding day about her.

Wht a toxic woman your mum sounds. She sounds manipulative and controlling. Yes if I were in your position I would invite your step mum, she is art of your dad now, if your mum wants to how her tys out f her pram, tough. I did te same at my wedding but my sister was the toxic influence. She had an affair and left her wonderful dh ( nephews father). Sister as a history f being selfish self centred ad nasty. She remarried, she told me she was not going to my wedding as she is too busy. Far enough so I invited her lovely ex ( I did nit invite him at first as I thought she was going). Sister phoned me up in a rage and told me to uninvited him, I basically told her that it was my wedding and I could invite who I want, she slammed the phone down on me and has nt spoken to me since 8 years ago

OP I've just read page 2 again.

Future children - Christenings, birthday parties, Christmas, school plays, celebration assemblies, graduations, your children's weddings...

If you don't nip this in the bud it will never go away.

I have a cautionary tale:

Until my son started school we hosted 2 birthday parties for him - one to which ILs and my dad and his wife were invited, another to which my mother, brother and grandma were invited. My brother and grandma would have happily come to the 'main' one, but were emotionally blackmailed by my mother into attended the second one with her.

We held 2 separate Christmas parties until my DS was 7 for the same reason.

My mother completely expected this to happen, felt we were disloyal if we invited my dad's wife to anything and made a big deal of showing my dad (oddly by flirting with him) how 'over him' she was. They divorced 20 years ago too.

My mother managed to ruin my son's 6th birthday party. It was the first time we'd done something to which we'd invited everyone. I told my mother before issuing the invites that we'd be inviting dad and his wife. Her reply? "well of course you would. It's been a long time. I'm sure we can all behave like adults for the sake of X's birthday".

Great! So I issued the invitations and when dad and his wife accepted, I told my mother straight away (so she'd have time to get used to the idea). And again she was "Oh is she coming? I'm surprised about that, I didn't think she would." etc etc.

The day before the birthday party my brother phoned up in a foul temper telling me that he was going to call my dad and uninvite his wife to my son's birthday party. I told him he wasn't going to do that. Cue - huge row between my brother and me. My grandma phoned and told me she thought I was being incredibly insensitive and selfish to just drop this on my mother and did I have any idea how much of a shock this had come to her.

Obviously, just my mother playing the victim again given that she knew I was going to invite dad and his wife before the party had even been booked and no one else had been invited.

Anyway, it caused a huge hoo-ha. Completely ruined my experience of my son's birthday party, made the whole thing incredibly stressful and all because my mother was such a selfish, inconsiderate, self centred bitch that she'd got not only my husband and me running around trying to keep her happy, but that when that wasn't enough for her and she wasn't the 'victim' she dragged my brother and my grandma in too.

Sorry this was long and sorry for hijacking, but you really do need to nip this in the blood.

Since my son's birth (tbh it was easy for them to avoid each other before that) there has been my graduation; my brother's graduation; the birth of my second child; the birth of my brother's child; several birthdays (mine, my brother's, my SIL's, my husband's, my children's) and every Christmas. My engagement (a whole other confusing and, frankly, unbelievable story), my wedding, my brother's wedding... Nativity plays, drama club performances, music recitals... the list goes on) and every single one of them has been blighted by my mother - or over the top consideration for her feelings.

In every single one of them has she been the only person who has received personal consideration and for every single one of them (without fail) she has kicked off/made a fuss/had a tantrum.

I'm 38 now and the last 20 years of my life have been largely controlled by my parents divorce. I should have put a stop to it years ago. In fact, I should never have allowed it to start.

Learn from my mistakes!

I think the fact your dad accepted it, but your mum will cut you off is very telling.
Your am is probably lovely in a lot of ways. But, tbh, the way she is acting and manipulating you so you don't gave a full involvement in your dads life and vice versa.
Personalli I would invite my SM. Its unfair for your mum to be dictating this sort of thing.

Your mum needs a good kick up the twat, she's been bullying her whole family for 20 years, and I must say it's unsurprising your father binned her if she's such a self-obsessed drama queen.
HOnestly, like everyone else has said, it's time to put your foot down with her and tell her you expect adult, civilised behaviour from her on the day or she's not welcome.

What PomBear said (about the 8th reply on page 1). This is about celebrating your day and your reationship, you shouldn't play favourites but should either invite all of them, making it clear that grown-up behaviour is expected and they are not allowed to make the day all about their own issues - or if you can't trust them to do this (or trust them to choose not to come if they know they can't) then don't invite any of them.

It is certainly unreasonable to not invite your Dad's wife. Married people should be treated as a unit, you can't invite one without the other - especially to a wedding.

I think you should invite you Dad's wife. I understand that if they split up say, last year, and this was the OW that would be very insensitive to your mum.

But that's not the case, and really she needs to realise this is your wedding. If you do invite her have you considered seating arrangements?

I think its very hurtful to not invite your stepmother with whom you have a good relationship.

I would sit you mum down now, explain you are inviting her, SHE was not the cause of their marriage breakup. Give her warning, tell her to get used to the idea, prepare herself, respect your wishes for a happy wedding day. Get someone else on board to keep an eye in your mum, one of your or her siblings or a close friend and let it go.

You are all enabling her behaviour by avoidance, I'd be so hurt as your stepmother.

FWIW, same situation here and also I'm in a blended family myself, so understand the complications, but it can be done :)

I agree that you should invite your SM. You're not responsible for your Mother's reaction or emotions. She should put all feelings of anxiety/whatever in a box for the day and save any meltdowns for the day after for YOUR sake.

My Mum "uninvited" herself from my wedding as I hadn't invited Great Aunt xyz that I hadn't seen for 20 odd years She wasn't contributing to the wedding (as in, to have any/some say on the guest list) This, coming from a woman who secretly got married telling not even her OWN mother (my nan)

Tensions were high for months until a family member stepped in and asked me to re-invite her I really didn't want to but knew that if I didn't, then the whole day would be people focusing/speculating on why she wasn't there rather than the event itself. So I did, and she spent the entire day with a face like a slapped arse

Good Luck

You ignore your mum, and do what YOU want to do. It's YOUR wedding not hers, and really she s an grown adult woman (meant in a loose way) she should bend over to MK you pot on your day, and if tat means putting gp her differences aside for the day so be it. Don't cater for her, you are feeding her bad behaviour. Invite your step mum, if I were her I wuld be very offended and would wonder wht I have fne wrong

Omg, I could have written that post! Although they both never remarried, my parents have been divorced for about 30 years. Even so my mum still hates my dad and family events cause a lot of friction - my mum is currently not speaking to me for attending a (very important) event on my dads side.

Both my brothers did not invite my dad to their weddings as both times my mum threatened not to go if they did. It upset them both terribly.

I have a wonderful DP and 2 DCs, and we have talked of marriage but dealing with this issue for me is my number 1 concern. I've had lots of imaginary conversations with my mum over this, but I couldn't imagine having them in real life, she is a very difficult character.

I don't really know what to advise but all I can say is that it is your special day and you are not responsible for any of the choices they make. Good luck, hope you have a wonderful day.

Are you the last child in the family to get married? Just wondering if it would be the last chance your SM gets to go to any of her DH's children's weddings.

You know, I'm sure this qualifies as devious but I would invite your SM. And just not tell your Mum. Because your mum shouldn't control your guest list (unless she's paying for the whole shebang, of course) and she shouldn't have such an emotional blackmail hold over you all still, it's ridiculous after so long. How vindictive of her!

As for her stressing you out, I can totally understand your reaction there but I would consider putting your foot down and telling your Mum that if she can't behave in an appropriate manner on your wedding day, then she will have to get ready by herself etc. I had to actually throw my Mum out of her own bedroom on my sister's wedding day because she was upsetting my sister unnecessarily - just Not On, IMO.

I am sorry she has had cancer but I don't think you should take any extra account of this - she's been pulling this stunt for years now, it's time for it to stop.

Why should you accommodate her bad behaviour. She sounds like a bully threatening until she gets her way. I know se is your mum, but your dh is your life and future you have to do what you want not because your scared f her

I would invite my mum and dad and leave the stepmother out of it. It sounds as if it won't affect your relatonship with your father but it will with your mother.

Hi i think you need to invite your step mother in law, weather your mum likes it or not she is slso part of your family

I think its awful on your part if this lady has done nothing to you even more awful if you get on, you will be likey to casue a issue with with yur dad Do not take sides their is no need

Its up to you but i think you will be making argue mistake it you dis invite her on somone elses behest

Agree with the majority of the posters....if your mum has a problem with your dad's wife that's her issue, not yours. You want them there so you invite them - end of story.

A few say it wont effect the relationship with your dad how can it not also i will deeply hurt your step mum

Invite them all if your mum cant be grown up she should decline unless of course your planning to exclude your step mother for all futher family events which is not fair for your dad,her or your children who most likey have come to be very fond of her

you are inviting your dad - you can't leave his wife out. and you like her. why try to do such a hurtful thing? it's horrible.

your mum is an adult. she's been apart from your dad for twenty years. she has to put up or shut up. i was perfectly prepared to do this at my daughter's wedding, as well as to pay for it and let him take the credit, but in the end he withdrew his entire family from the event. he missed a good do.

you are an adult, too. make your own decisions and don't let your mum make them for you.

It´s your mother I´d be tempted to not invite!

Do you have friends/rellies who could be trusted to remove her if she makes a scene?