To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

[weddingfamilywoes]

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

Everybody expects weddings to involve all the parents and their partners so YABU to leave anybody out. Everybody just has to be grown up and get on with it. The wedding day is about you and your DH and not thier issues. I would announce that you intend to get married and are inviting everyone and if it all gets too stressful elope instead. It's either yes to everyone or no to everyone in my eyes.

Tbh I would invite her, this isn't a new relationship your father is married to her.

Once you are married how would you feel if your husband got invited to a family wedding when you was left out.

I am a stepmother and a mother-there are no issues between me and dsc and I was a welcomed guest at all 3 weddings.However they had a problem with their stepfather for whom their mum left my dh.
They agonised about whether or not to invite him as they knew my dh would be upset if he had to meet this man.
Dss2 who married first did not invite him.
Dss1 did and he came,sat at top table at other end from dh and I-it was fine it was dh's ex who caused problems.
Dsd invited him and he did not come.
The point is that there have been no lasting problems and all 3 dsc get on with him and their mum now-between 15 and 10 years later.
Have the wedding you want.Invite the dsm you like and
tell your mum now to give her time to get used to it.

OP here with an update. I finally got around to telling my mum I would like to invite my Dad's wife, and how she would feel about it.

She said it was my wedding and I should invite who I want and it was important that I enjoyed the day. She said she would feel uncomfortable and would not want them to go anywhere near her. She also said that if it was her sending out the invitations, then she would not invite her. To me, this was incredibly adult behaviour from her, normally she tries to guilt-trip me more and play the martyr. Anyway, I ended by saying that I would probably invite her.

An hour or so later, she sent me an email to say that she wanted to be honest, and that she would feel very uncomfortable and it would be humiliating for her. She wouldn't enjoy the day, or be relaxed enough to dance and chat with people etc, and that she would be constantly thinking that everyone was watching her to see her reaction. She ended by saying that it was still totally my decision and that I should invite who I wanted.

Based on this email, I replied and said I wouldn't invite my Dad's wife. Even though I know that it doesn't seem fair objectively, it seemed like a lot to put my mum through. In my reply, I said that this was my decision, and we could just put this behind us now and not discuss it further. I felt good about this in that I had actually had made the decision myself, rather than being emotionally manipulated as I had expected.

But she sent another email back, saying that she sensed a feeling of emotional commitment to my Dad's wife in my reply, and that if I prefered she would just come to the ceremony, or not come at all. She said she's not sure what I am trying to say to her.

Now I kind of feel like I have opened a can of worms and she is wondering how much I care about my Dad's wife. I don't know what to reply back, and I'm worried that she is going to take this whole scenario out of proportion... :-(

You do realise that your mum has applied the emotional blackmail/guilt trip extremely well. By first saying it was your choice then sending the email so she could be 'totally honest' she managed to manipulate you into doing what she wanted you to do in the first place.

Really?! Sorry but I remember your thread and while its great you have updated I cannot believe you have given into your mum's manipulation and threats and do you really believe it is your decision?! Why are you pandering to your mother and her ridiculousness?

I feel quite sorry for your blameless stepmother and for you as you seem to pander to your mothers every whim. Don't you remember what everyone on this thread said?

Agreed. She's manipulating you now and obviously got what she wanted. I feel for your father's wife.

Oh and your mother is extremely selfish and it would seem doesn't care about anyone's feelings but her own. Ridiculous of you to pander to her.

I don't know, knowing my mum it felt like she was just telling me her feelings rather than emotional manipulation. It seemed a lot more honest and open than it has ever been before.

Now I just feel sad. Sad that whatever I do someone will be upset, and sad that apparently I am a weak person.

I suspect she's an expert at manipulation...

OP I don't think that you're necessarily a weak person more that you've been conditioned to pander to your mother and her every whim/manipulation/tantrum.

You sound lovely but you shouldn't have to worry about your mum like this, especially not 20 years later and the fact that your SM is not the woman your dad had an affair with.

No, it wasn't just her telling you her feelings, she IS manipulating you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel you are weak... You are acting weakly but it's understandable in a way - I am just annoyed for YOU that she is doing this to you! She has NO reason to feel the way she does and by pandering to her you do her NO favours as you allow her to get away with shitty, ridiculous behaviour that is no good to her. You need to treat her like the child she is acting as as say no more of this. She is actually bullying you by doing this too. If she chooses to stay away from your wedding through her own idiotic reasoning that is NOT your fault but HERS. How do you put up with her. Sorry but she sounds so so selfish and hard to deal with.

Should I reply and tell her I'm going to invite my stepmum? I fear that she may not come to the wedding, and even if she does I am in for many months of emotional manipulation after opening this can of worms, plus stress on the day. I kind of wish we hadn't organised this wedding now. I just feel extremely sad.

And let's be clear your mother and your mother alone is causing the upset - and in turn you are allowing her to by doing as she wants. Stop letting her bully you. Put a stop to this and tell her firmly your step mum IS coming and that her behaviour is not on and is upsetting a lot of people and you can't allow that as there is no reason for it. You must stand up to this or you never will.

Yes, gimme is right. Your mother is bullying you. How sad that you wish you hadn't organised the wedding and those feelings are entirely due to your mother's toxic behaviour.

No one can tell you what to do but my instinct would be to tell her you're inviting your stepmum, and your mum can exercise choice in how she deals with it.

Then be firm and say you will not put up with emotional manipulation from her! Tell her that is what she is doing and that you won't allow her to do that any more! Put your hand up firmly and say NO if she starts. It is doing her a favour too as her behaviour is so awful and selfish!

Maybe you would benefit from some counselling. I am so sad for you that your mother - and it is ALL her - is making you feel so much angst about your wedding. What a sel-absorbed selfish woman she is!

TBH she'll probably come to your wedding even if your fathers wife is there, just think how petty and childish it would look if word got round that the reason she refused to come to your wedding is because you invited your step-mother.

That's a sad outcome. Can you tell your mum it's not about emotional feeling towards your dad's wife, but about wanting to behave like a mature and decent adult?

Just remember if she chooses not to come that is entirely and utterly for stupid reasons of her own doing. You cannot base your decision on her silly selfish reasons - please don't. Leave her to it. She'll soon learn not to do it of you stop pandering to her behaviour.

Please don't pander to her anymore - for your sake now and for ever more!

Reply saying that you appreciate her comments, honesty and suggestions.

Tell her you particularly appreciated her understanding that the wedding was about you and your OH and as such you were going to talk it over with your OH before sending out any invitations.

Add that no matter what her attendance is very important as you love her very much and regardless of your stepmother attending or not you would do your best to ensure that she was sat with people that you can trust to support her through the day. After all watching your daughter get married is emotional and difficult.

Decide whether yu are going to invite your step mum or not according to whether you want her there... send the invite and then make sure your mum is sat with your siblings or aunties and give them the heads up if step mum is attending...

And then do not be drawn into anymore discussions with her. If she asks say you have decided yet

I'll think about it overnight and report back tomorrow. To be fair, I think she started off by genuinely saying it was my choice. I think after the phone call, her old insecurities creeped back in and the emails have been the result.

"But she sent another email back, saying that she sensed a feeling of emotional commitment to my Dad's wife in my reply, and that if I prefered she would just come to the ceremony, or not come at all. She said she's not sure what I am trying to say to her."
What do you think your mother would do if you called her bluff? Responded to her email along the lines of 'If you would find it too painful to attend my wedding with good grace then I will of course understand'? And as for "She said she's not sure what I am trying to say to her." - you're trying to say that you would like my father and his wife to attend your wedding.

Sorry sent too soon...

Time telling her that your stepmum is attending with having plans in place as to where your mum will sit, who she will be sat with, etc... then you leave it up to her...

You have spoke to her, listened to her views, done what you can then left her to decide whether or not she can face it.

Its been 20yrs and those emails were emotional blackmail.

Good luck

OP you need to do what you want ot do and leave your mothers feelings out of this now. You have tried ot accomodate her and it has been used as an excuse to build the drama. you tried to diffuse it so now she moves to another subject to pick at. Next step will involve your father until you feel you have to uninvite him. Finally will be the guilt tripping over how traumatised she is you even mentioned them.
If you let her she will cast a cloud over your wedding no matter what you do so i would stop trying to accomodate her now and invite the people you like.
What would you do if she suddenly switched her anxiety to your partner? Would you cancel the wedding to accomodate her? No and you shouldn't.

Offer to accompany her to her GP or help her to find a counsellor to help her deal with this as 20 years is a long time to cling to it. If she won't then take that as proof she is using it as a stick to beat people with to get her own way and avoid goin out of her comfort zone. While that can be scary it doesn't justify this behaviour.

Look up the stately homes thread and particularly FOG fear, obligation guilt and see if any of it applies to your relationship with your mother.

Invite your dad's wife. Please. It's been 20 years.

My mum was not invited to her DSS's wedding for precisely the same reason, because DSS's mother was using all sorts of emotional blackmail to persuade DSS to leave her out. Mum was terribly upset, and in her heart has never quite forgiven DSS and my DSD for pandering to the blackmail. She sat outside the church in the car and cried; it was awful.

When I got married, I told ALL my parents and stepparents (yes, I have the full set) that they were all invited, and that anyone who was going to throw a fit could jolly well stay at home. I was not going to be made to feel bad/guilty/stressed on my big day because of something that happened when I was 18 months old. I made it clear that they were ALL important to me. Luckily they all got the message that it was my day, and it went fine. They just kept to different parts of the room.