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Original poster

To not invite my dad's wife to my wedding?

233 replies

weddingfamilywoes · 01/09/2012 23:03

I'm getting married next year, and deciding how to deal with my divorced parents is causing me a lot of stress. They have been divorced for almost 20 years, but its still a big deal for me to have them in the same place. Since they split up, the only time I have seen them in the same place was at my siblings' weddings. My dad never went to any graduations etc, it was always accepted that my mum would be the one to go.

At my siblings' weddings it was clearly a big deal for my mum that my dad was there. So much so, that she took a tranquilizer before one of the weddings. I also remember my dad talking to her at once, and it really rattled her.

My mum has never remarried. She hates my dad, but I think underneath there is a lot of regret and some feelings still there for him. When my parents split up, he left her for another woman (although I don't think my mum was blameless in the breakdown of their relationship). He later remarried (but to a different person).

I like my dad's wife (stepmother I guess) a lot, but I'm not sure whether to invite her to the wedding. I anticipate that my mum will react badly to the news, perhaps terribly so. I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with her. She has quite low self-esteem and is prone to depression. When my dad got remarried (~10 years ago), I told my mum I was going and she got hysterical. She phoned my grandparents and shouted at them down the phone, and asked why they were supporting this. I backed out of the wedding. I'm kind of expecting the same thing if I invite my dad's wife this time. And I'm worried whether it would be too big a thing for my mum to handle. She had cancer earlier this year and has generally been more depressed since. But on the other hand I feel really bad for my dad and his wife if I don't invite her. Neither of my siblings invited her to their wedding. I guess they felt it was best to avoid the stress for themselves and my mum.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 02/09/2012 08:31

Well I have depression and I do not expect the sun, moon and stars to revolve around me Hmm

Obviously your mum is a bit of an emotional mess and a trip to her GP is in order, swiftly followed by some sort of talking therapy.

She shouldn't be able to poison your special day (nor those of your siblings). Poor you - it sounds utterly wearing and not how your wedding should be.

FWIW I would stand my ground and invite all 3,and perhaps find a kind-hearted soul to "babysit" your mum on the day? Brew

TroublesomeEx · 02/09/2012 08:32

The fact is, that your mother won't perform on the day because she'll only show herself up and look incredibly unreasonable in front of all your guests.

She will just feel a little bit uncomfortable for a few hours.

She doesn't want to feel uncomfortable, so she's ensuring you feel so uncomfortable about it now that you won't invite your SM and she won't have to deal with it.

She's thinking about herself and not giving any consideration to you, who you might want there, the situation she is putting you in or how this is making anyone else feel.

Nagoo · 02/09/2012 08:32

I did actually have to give my dad the 'It's been 20 years get a fucking grip' talk.

It went surprisingly well.

I would invite her and your mum will have to deal with it.

What are you doing about the reception? I avoided top table fiascos by having an informal reception/ hog roast.

pigletmania · 02/09/2012 08:35

I am shocked at people saying dnt invite the sm especially as she as done nothing wrong. Just becase she is the op des not give her any more rights and yes I would be tempted not to invite the mum

squeezed · 02/09/2012 08:40

If you like your SM then invite her. Or just elope!

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 08:42

What a horrible position to be in. Sorry OP! This isn't fair you should be looking forward to it. It's horrible for your mum but she needs to stop being selfish and wallowing now, it's your big day

Hope it all goes well

thebeesnees79 · 02/09/2012 08:48

having been on the receiving end of a none invite (long story a group of dh mates don't like me, all the other dw or dp were in invited to said wedding I wasn't) & very hurt by it i would invite them all. you can't exclud one person its very mean & your poor dad divorced your mum and she is still dictating what he can and can't do.
your mum needs to grow up, she sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder.
good luck

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 02/09/2012 08:48

I think you should invite your SM, your mother is behaving like a spoilt child!

This comes from a divorced mother of 2, my XH is still with the woman he left me for and a year after he left me I hugged her and told her I forgive her for her part in it ( i have not forgiven xh but i am polite as and when we are together for any reason, even when dcs aren't there) and we should be able to get on for the sake of the children! Your mother needs to suck it up and start behaving like an adult!!

Kayano · 02/09/2012 08:49

I would
Invite her and tell mother to get over it

But I am mean and have no time for drama llamas

whattodoo · 02/09/2012 08:50

I think you should invite dad's wife, then go with your mum to her GP.

Say to GP that instead of prescribing tranquilizers, your mum should be referred for cbt to handle this and her ongoing depression

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 08:53

Why is he prescribing tranquillisers like that anyway?! For one incident? Seems a bit silly

Indith · 02/09/2012 08:54

I'd invite the wife. If your mum can't grow up and put her feelings aside for one bloody day. One day that is YOUR day not hers then I'd tell her not to bother coming.

And yes, been there too with our wedding inviting Dh's divorced parents. They have so far managed to be civilised for dh's graduation, our wedding and BIL's wedding because though they might not get on they are adults and they behave as such.

kilmuir · 02/09/2012 08:55

20 years! Get a grip mother.
Like others say tell her that you have invited SM and she needs to deal with it. Your poor SM has done nothing wrong.
Have a lovely day.

Pannacotta · 02/09/2012 08:57

Invite them all and tell your Mother to grow up and behave herself, she really ought to be able to manage that for one day!
Good luck...

RuleBritannia · 02/09/2012 09:01

Invite them all but word your mother's invitation: ' .....invites

Pagwatch · 02/09/2012 09:09

I agree with the comments about the GP

Assuming your mother is not simply choosing to be a manipulative cow, why is her GP just giving her tranquilizers rather than dealing with whatever is causing her to behave in a hysterical and ridiculous way.
She may have depression or anxiety because hanging onto such an irrational to a man who has not been her partner for 20 years is very odd.
Sadly catering to someone's irrational anxieties simply makes them think the anxiety is rational.
You love your mum but catering to her behaviour is not helping her to move on.

I would tell her calmly that it is reasonable, polite and normal to invite your ads wife. It is irrational, impolite and staggeringly rude not to. And then ask her if she will be able to manage a perfectly reasonable situation in a rational way or would she like you to go to the GP with her

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 02/09/2012 09:10

I am a woman who was left by my husband for someone else. They are still together.

Our DD is now 17, so I have thought about this. I would not like it, but I am a grown up and would accept it for my DDs sake.

Your mum needs to be told this.

happyinherts · 02/09/2012 09:11

No two ways about it - you MUST invite your father's wife. She is your step-mother now and as you have no axe to grind with her or dislike her in any way, it is just totally rude not to invite her.

lotsofcheese · 02/09/2012 09:21

I agree with the majority decision here. The important thing is how you present it to your mum: have confidence in your decision & tell her in a firm, polite way. Have a stock phrase & just keep repeating

Good luck!!

emblosion · 02/09/2012 09:22

OP my stepsister was in pretty much the same position when it came to inviting my mum (or me and dbro) to her wedding. Her mum made things so difficult for her that in the end we weren't invited, and although we understood why and knew DSsis was upset about it and it wasn't really what she wanted it was still very hurtful.

On her wedding pictures its like we don't exist, despite the fact that we all get on & are close, our parents had been married for 15 years, hers divorced for over 20. Mum had no involvement whatsoever in their divorce.

Your mum is being very unreasonable to expect this of you. I can understand you wanting to avoid bad atmosphere but if I were you I would invite who you want to be there & imo its rude not to invite your dads wife - but I acknowledge I'm a bit biased!

PopcornCity · 02/09/2012 09:30

I think you should invite all of them. It's rude to only invite one half of a married couple.

Would your mum consider counselling?

ByTheWay1 · 02/09/2012 09:35

We had the exact same situation - even down to 20 years passing - I invited all 3 and said they would all just have to get along for 6 hours.

My brother took care of mum, we did photos with my mum and dad and with SM and dad - everyone just got on with it.

Mum was not exactly 100% happy, but she saw that the ONLY other option was not coming.

p.s. I did feel a bit cheesed off that SM turned up in a killer bright salmon pink outfit - a bit of "oneupmanship" on the bride's mother.

eurochick · 02/09/2012 09:37

We had a similar situation with my PIL at our wedding. They had been apart 20 years and FIL had been with his new partner for 15. MIL stayed on her own. In the past 20 years they had been in the same room twice before - for BIL's passing out parade at Sandhurst and his wedding a couple of years before

There were no panic attacks, etc. involved, but there was still stress involved. However, they all behaved like grown ups on the day and appreciated that the day was not about them.

Original poster
weddingfamilywoes · 02/09/2012 09:50

To answer a couple of questions:
My mum has told us she will give us some money towards the wedding. But she has never said how much, so we just planned the wedding according to what we could afford. It would be nice to have the contribution but we don't need her money. My dad offered us £1000, and this was after I told him that SM wouldn't be invited.

Reading all your comments makes me see things in a more objective light. I guess in some ways I think I've been acting in line because I've just been copying what my older siblings have done. But I guess we're all manipulated.

A couple of people have said why just not elope? Believe me, we have thought about this. DP and I have been together 8 years, and have been ready to get married for the last 3 or 4 years. The only thing stopping us has been the wedding. We have thought about all types of weddings, including eloping, but then I realised I would be doing that just to avoid my parents' issues, rather than because it was really how I wanted my wedding to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingfamilywoes · 02/09/2012 09:56

About the anxiety, tranquilizers etc. My mum is a bit secretive about these kinds of things, but I think she might have originally got the tranquilizers for a long haul flight. But it could also have been for panic attacks, I'm just not sure. She has definitely been on antidepressants at different times in the past, and when my parents first split up she had some counselling.

To be honest it's not really something I want to get involved in. She would not take kindly to me suggesting any kind of treatment to her or wanting to go along to the GP.

OP posts:
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