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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my daughter 'misbehave' in dance class?

346 replies

mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 11:53

My DD is an only child. 2.5 yrs old and is the only grandchild on both sides.

As such, everywhere we go, it's all about her as everyone dotes on her.

She isn't at nursery yet as me and DP managed to split childcare/work between us.

She has not long started dance classes (tap,ballet,disco.) And she is loving it, but is prone to getting distracted and running around the class and trying to chat to the other toddlers. She also gets bored during the quiet ballet part and does her own thing.

On one hand, I don't want to intervene, out of fear that I 'squash' her confidence. My thinking is that once she is at nursery with more structured play with other toddlers that she will come into line.

On the other hand, I hate being the only one in the class with a noticeably willful toddler.

WWYD? Leave her to it and cringe inwardly or become more involved and do some hovering?

OP posts:
greenhill · 01/09/2012 12:45

The OP is looking for some advice, not a kicking.

Yes, it's the AIBU thread and should perhaps have gone in Parenting...

bogeyface · 01/09/2012 12:45

tethers merely pointing out that the other toddlers in the session are behaving but for some reason the OP thinks that her shouldnt be expected to. The others can, so why cant she?

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 12:47

Most toddlers are an only for a little while don't put that on your toddler.

children don't have the concept of others around them It is you who is excusing her behaviour as,
well she thinks the world revolves around her can't blame her really can I she is doted on Confused

she isn't naughty she is 2 and not ready for ballet lessons discipline her in the class if not take her out and find something else so she can chat and be social

Parents don't find this sort of thing adorable especially if they are paying for something they find it annoying and distracting,

OhChristFENTON · 01/09/2012 12:47

Actually 2.5 is the perfect age for them to begin to understand time and place, - not saying they will all comply at this age but it is the right time to start to teach it.

This is the age they usually start at playgroup/pre-school - I admit I was surprised on the first day picking up PFB from playgroup that he was sat, with all the others with coat and bag waiting for me! I was like "how did you do that?" Grin

charlottehere · 01/09/2012 12:48

Do the dance teacher's say anything? TBH this is why I won't be sending DD to dance until she is school age, 2 is very little really to be made to conform.

BillyBollyBandy · 01/09/2012 12:48

BUT it is a dance class for toddlers. There will be running around, lots of toilet breaks, squealing etc. They are 2/3 years old.

That isn't a problem in DD's dance class, the teacher is excellent at keeping them under control, and many of the children behave better when there are no parents there.

Ask the teacher what they would like you to do IF your DD is being disruptive. If she is just doing what the other children are doing you may be woryring unnecessarily.

nokidshere · 01/09/2012 12:49

bogey maybe they have been attending the class longer and have "got it"? Of course children can be taught "time and place" but this is new to the child and the teacher doesn't appear to have a problem with it so far.

Thumbwitch · 01/09/2012 12:49

MrsCB - I asked DS's dance teacher if she was ok with me hissing at him from the sidelines - she said it was fine. I didn't want to undermine her or her young helpers, but it's easier for me to keep an eye on DS and pull him up when he mucks about, leaving the teachers to concentrate on the whole class.

So, since the class is age-appropriate, and there aren't that many expectations, I'd say just try and keep her from interfering with the other children in the class and disrupting overall - but apart from that, let her get on with it. She'll get there.

DS again - started him at football (Little Kickers) at 2.9 - there was a noticeable switch at age 3, when he started to be able to listen and focus far better than before. Having a child like your DD in his class though would drive me bats, purely because DS is a complete follower - he won't usually instigate disruption, but if anyone else does, he's the first to copy. He's getting better at NOT doing this now, thank goodness.

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 12:51

yawn discipline isn't an issue.

The question that I was looking to have answered was "Would you intervene/hover more or would you cringe in the corner and hope for the best?"
I don't want to be overly interfering but clearly I am aware that her current behaviour is less than ideal.

Gentleness I totally agree and try to lead by example but I am optimistic that the values that I am trying to instill in her can be cemented further by joining nursery.

I can't see the post at the moment, but I think I will take the advice of the poster who said to have a quick word with the girls that run the class.

I am a seasoned Mumsnetter and have seen threads like this before so it doesn't really bother me but I can imagine that it would if I were a sensitive sort.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 01/09/2012 12:51

DD was regularly asked to sit out of baby ballet (when she was 3) for not conforming. The other parents found her hillarious. I did not. We stopped going.

I think if the teacher is OK with your daughters behavior, and she isn't disrupting the other DC, then fine. She's just behaving like a toddler.

charlottehere · 01/09/2012 12:52

This reminds me of when I tried baby ballet with DD3 when she was 18 months and the teacher was very strict and expected them to sit still,take turns and I got told off for letting DD have a snack in class. good job she didnt ask for thr boob Wink Lets just say we didn't go back.

Momoftwogirls · 01/09/2012 12:52

OP, you are getting an undeserved hard time here!

The fact that you are even asking the question above means that you are not 'one of those mothers'.

2.5 - 3 is a lovely age to start dance classes. At this age dance is all about having FUN.

The behavior you describe is typical enough for that age group. It has to do with confidence and personality type. Many kids from larger families act the same. Neither of mine did, but it was because they were too shy and weren't confident enough to.

As I mentioned above, talk to the teacher. If she is OK with your DDs behavior, then you do not have a problem.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/09/2012 12:52

Terribly sorry we are boring you OP.

Original poster
mrscumberbatch · 01/09/2012 12:54

Thumbwitch thankyou! So pleased to hear that your DS is now doing better.

Totally understand the 'not wanting to undermine the way that the teacher is running that class'. That is exactly how i've been feeling about it. I'll have a word though and, if anything, set my mind at rest with how they'd like me to deal with this.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 12:55

yawn discipline isn't an issue.

obviously boring you maybe you should just take the advice you have had amongst the boring bits and leave it at thatm

IvanaNap · 01/09/2012 12:57

OP, have a word with the class teacher. Ask what she thinks and enquire about whether, if she actually gets disruptive (as opposed to a bit bored or just being 2.5!), if you are OK to sit in with her a bit more. Also, if needs be, if you can take her out of the class for a bit and rejoin after 5 mins. If your DD really wants to join in she will soon cotton on and if she is just a bit het up then a 5 minute breather / run about could help.

If she always has adult attention she will be revelling in the novelty of being around little people the same size as her; the social aspect of the group is as 'big' to her (if not more so!) as the dance focus.

Plus, I'm sure I've heard that a child can concentrate on one thing for a minute for each year of their age... two and a half minutes isn't very long before the pace/activity loses her interest (disclaimer: not all children, not all activities - I know children can read a book, build a tower, play with toys, watch tv for 10+, 20+ minutes but that is with constantly changing pages/voices/parameters/characters etc... not sure I'm making sense any more... how many minutes since I started drafting this post Grin )

alphabite · 01/09/2012 12:58

She needs to learn she has to follow rules and routines. She is not going to be perfect, no toddler is but at the end of the day she is going to need to learn the world doesn't revolve around her. It certainly won't at nursery or at school.
To be honest if you don't start disciplining when she is not doing as she is told you are in for a world of trouble as she gets older.

BlackberryIce · 01/09/2012 12:59

I don't understand what you 'large extended family' has to do with it either

Yes, if you are saint in a corner you should be cringing!!

DontmindifIdo · 01/09/2012 13:03

OK, to answer your question, you need to intervene and tell her off, she's old enough to be told she'll have a time out away from the others if she's naughty. Then do it.

Thing is OP, my DS is also an only and until a couple of weeks ago, the only grandchild, but as he goes to nursery he's been taught he's not the centre of the world, your DD needs to learn this, ideally before preschool starts, so this is an opportunity to do it. If she doesn't respond well to being taken for time outs and stopped messing about, then look at removing her for the next term, try again after Christmas.

You should intervene/hover, it's not fair on the others, and actually it's not fair on your DD to let her think this is acceptable behaviour, only to get to preschool and be in trouble there - at least this way you aren't risking her hating pre-school because she's in trouble there, nip it in the bud now.

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia · 01/09/2012 13:09

I take my 18 month old to a music/singing group & it annoys me even when babies of that age are allowed to run wild.

Letting them behave like that is disrespectful to the teacher of the group and it disrupts the others. My child does lose concentration but I gently re-direct her attention and ask her to come & sit down again. If she kept running around and wasn't following the structure of the activities then I would stop going because I'd know she wasn't ready for it yet.

Even very young children can understand rules for different situations. I.e - soft play/open space at the park is a place to rub around - Cafes are places to sit nicely in a highchairs but not to run around in - Activity groups such as dancing or singing are for dancing or singing not for playing or shouting. If the child keeps behaving in a way that is not appropriate for the place or situation then they are given one warning before being taken home/put to time out in the pushchair etc.

Obviously, at 2 years old, your daughter is too young for a punishment I'd she doesn't follow an activity - it's not her fault that she is not ready. But if you start building in the idea of appropriate behaviour for different places & activities then it will be easier to enforce when she is old enough to understand.

I have also had the experience of swimming lessons when my son was partnered with a badly behaved child. The other mother would just sit and watch him disrupting the lesson and would just smile indulgently and say things like "He's really playing the clown today!". It's bloody annoying when you have paid for an activity and your child is there to learn (my son knew that he if messed around, he would had only one warning and then been hauled out of the lesson and straight home) but the lesson is disrupted because of a parent who can't or won't enforce any rules.

Anyway OP, I'm not saying that you are that sort of parent. The fact that you even asked shows that you are aware of your DD's behaviour. From experience, the parents of really badly-behaved children are often completely oblivious or are sometimes even ensued by the way their children behave. But, it sounds like the right time uk start thinking about appropriate behaviour and perhaps avoiding activities that your DD isn't ready for.

ImNotCute · 01/09/2012 13:09

I second the recommendation for diddi dance as a wonderful dance class for a 2.5 year old, where she can run around as much as she likes. She's so young, surely the important thing is for her to have fun. If it's so formal you're worried she might be disruptive it doesn't sound v enjoyable for either of you. Some responses here seem harsh to me.

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia · 01/09/2012 13:11

Sorry, even amused by the behaviour, not "ensued"!

nokidshere · 01/09/2012 13:13

I think its a very sad state of affairs when we are saying "dont let your 2 year old think they are the centre of the world".

Children will naturally learn to behave appropriately in diffent situations, its part of growing up. In this case there is a class teacher who is the one who should be setting the bounderies - either by telling the parent what she wants her to do or by showing the child what is expected of her.

Children are perfectly capable of compartmentalising different areas of their lives and, with guidance, the child will learn to behave appropriately in different situations. But this is not always for the parent to do - as others have said many children behave much differently when the parent isn't about so pre-school wont be an issue.

Being a child is supposed to be fun and exciting - not bound by social niceties and rules at every turn. By all means ask for guidance from the teacher, and by all means talk to your child about being behaved in ballet lessons but don't expect her to understand immediately.

nokidshere · 01/09/2012 13:14

I take my 18 month old to a music/singing group & it annoys me even when babies of that age are allowed to run wild

How sad is that sentance?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 01/09/2012 13:14

Just because your child is an only child, and is spoilt by your family, that doesn't mean she is beyond discipline 2.5 is plenty old enough to understand NO, whether or not Granny loves her.
My son was the only child in the entire huge, doting family for 3 years. That didn't mean he ran amok!