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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to call ss?

122 replies

alienreflux · 01/09/2012 11:12

Ok so this is the first time i've had a thread so hope i get lots of honest replies.i have a neighbour who has a now 2.5 yr old girl,she is a single mum.i have seen her smack the little girls bum while holding her over her arm, what looked quite hard 4/5 times. then last week while gettting my dc's in the car (about 5 houses down) i could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs "all you do is want want want well FUUUUUUCCK YOU" when i got back from shop i could hear little girl really screaming. AIBU to put a call in to ss? have never done anything like that before, but can't stop worrying.

OP posts:
ifiwasarichinblack · 01/09/2012 11:14

offer her some help??

youd probably have phoned social services if you heard me last weekend based on this OP but my life is HELL.

shuffleballchange · 01/09/2012 11:15

Call them now. I would.

ifiwasarichinblack · 01/09/2012 11:15

and TBH, if SS were worth their salt, they would have offered to help us at some point anyway.

BlackberryIce · 01/09/2012 11:15

Sounds like she needs support, so yes.

missymoomoomee · 01/09/2012 11:20

I think you are better to call them and there be no issue than not call them when there could be an issue. They are better placed to judge than you would be so in your shoes I would call them.

alienreflux · 01/09/2012 11:25

sounds ideal ifiwasa but don't you think she'd get really aresey? i really don't know her, we say hi,but if i rocked up at her front door and said"do you need some parenting help" don't you think she'd bite my head off?

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 01/09/2012 11:28

Maybe invite her for a coffee? Or a trip to the park? Is her dc anywhere near same age as yours?

SirBoobAlot · 01/09/2012 11:30

I wouldn't be inviting her for a coffee, no way would I want that attitude anywhere near my DS.

I would contact the HV team or SS yes.

alienreflux · 01/09/2012 11:32

yeah could try that blackberry, i've got a 5 yr old boy and a 16 month old girl,but when boy starts school could ask her to come to a group with me maybe? but then i'd be a right two faced cow if i still felt i had to do something,really don't want to add to her worries.

OP posts:
alienreflux · 01/09/2012 11:33

yeah, do i really ned to get embrolied (sp) in it all?

OP posts:
MammyToMany · 01/09/2012 11:35

Sounds like one of the families that lives over the back of my house, if I could figure out which house it was coming from I would phone SS as I really think the mum needs help.

TeapotsInJune · 01/09/2012 11:36

I've called SS three times because I had concerns about children it isn't that big a deal because if there's nothing to worry about no harm done but if there is the parent could get support. Hopefully. I dislike smackig anyway but a public one like that is awful.

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2012 11:36

If you truly feel concerned for the child then ring SS - it's what they're there for.

As well meaning as some people are, it always bemuses me when people advice someone to befriend strange, violent screechy Mothers...who I suspect they certainly would not want to befriend themselves.

Would the advice be the same if it was a violent, screechy Dad?

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2012 11:36

*advise

TeapotsInJune · 01/09/2012 11:37

mammy explain this to them and they can do a general check.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 01/09/2012 11:37

It sounds like she is struggling for whatever reason and needs support if this is a regular occurence. SS might be able to help her.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles · 01/09/2012 11:42

Do you want to talk about it, ifiwasarichinblack?

Goldenbear · 01/09/2012 11:45

Struggling?? Well poor her, she sounds like a vile, abusive GROWN WOMAN that is taking out her frustrations on a very young child- totally unacceptable WHATEVER is happening to you!

greenhill · 01/09/2012 11:52

I wouldn't get involved too much.

But if you are close to hand when it happens again try to catch her eye and give a friendly smile (not because you want to, but to see her reaction) if she just looks harassed, put it down to a tricky time.

But if she is hostile and aggressive to you too, then she probably does have an anger problem and things have got on top of her. Decide what to do then.

The more you see this behaviour, the more likely you are to ring SS.

bobbledunk · 01/09/2012 11:53

There is a big difference between a smack and being beaten, do you even know what she was being smacked for? Maybe she was trying to run out onto the road and gave her mother a fright so she decided to scare her from ever doing it again.

As for shouting, well I'm glad my neighbours can't hear mine, some people are just fierier than others, obviously it's different in that she's yelling at the child, she's probably under a lot of stress and not coping very well. Those are just two snapshots of her at her worst and really they're not any worse than most, calling ss will just cause more problems for the family.

There's something very wrong with a society where people are calling ss to invade a family's life because they display less than perfect behaviour, even worse when ss encourages that sort of nonsense. There are so many children being genuinely abused; raped, beaten, starved, socially isolated etc... it's no wonder ss rarely get around to rescuing, they're to busy 'investigating' smacking and shouting!

If you want to help this woman, you could try befriending her, if you don't, that's fine too, just don't go making things worse, sounds like she's got enough stress in her life.

thebeesnees79 · 01/09/2012 11:57

for her to be reacting to a 2.5 year olds tantrums or what ever in that way is so very wrong.
My kids are no angels and I do have to discipline them (in public its really embarrassing) but smacking and swearing at a child of that age seems like loss of control and I would call ss. no harm done if she is a good mum but it would put your mind at rest and maybe open doors to help the mum.

NoComet · 01/09/2012 11:58

I'd watch a bit longer before calling SS.

Does her DD look clean, happy and well fed. Does she attend a play group or school. Is she out playing too early / too late or without supervision for hours?

Do you only ever see her Mum being negative with her?

Does her mum look like she's coping?

She may be just having a temporarily stressful time or she may need help. Unless you think her DDs is in danger. I'd like to be absolutely sure things went beyond simply not how you would parent.

ifiwasarichinblack · 01/09/2012 12:02

thanks kitty, I would absolutely love to talk, but at the moment there are legal restrictions, (I havent done anything wrong btw someone has done something terrible to us)

golden - you have no idea, no idea at all sorry, about what goes on behind closed doors, I KNEW I was wrong to shout at mine, I actually have preferred it if they werent here last weekend, but you cant just out your children like they are puppets

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles · 01/09/2012 12:02

I don't consider "FUUUUUUUCK YOU" to be acceptable language to use to a 2.5 year old. Or any child for that matter.

tethersend · 01/09/2012 12:06

Whether she is a stressed mum struggling or a systematic abuser (or both) is not for you to decide, OP. Well meaning advice to watch the situation and decide whether the child is abused or not is potentially very harmful. What if the OP gets it wrong?

You are not trained to assess the situation by asking her round for coffee or offering help; please inform trained professionals who are able to assess. They may put support in place that she badly needs, and/or intervene to prevent any further abuse.

Your job is not to assess, just to raise concerns.