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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call ss?

122 replies

alienreflux · 01/09/2012 11:12

Ok so this is the first time i've had a thread so hope i get lots of honest replies.i have a neighbour who has a now 2.5 yr old girl,she is a single mum.i have seen her smack the little girls bum while holding her over her arm, what looked quite hard 4/5 times. then last week while gettting my dc's in the car (about 5 houses down) i could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs "all you do is want want want well FUUUUUUCCK YOU" when i got back from shop i could hear little girl really screaming. AIBU to put a call in to ss? have never done anything like that before, but can't stop worrying.

OP posts:

Original poster

alienreflux · 02/09/2012 22:36

ok so i phoned nspcc, they put my mind at rest at first as i had heard more shouting this morning, i felt justified,then she said it would be passed on to social services,and all the negative thread comments sprang to mind:( shit i hope i've done the right thing. typically tonight i was putting the washing out when ds kicked his football into the alley outside the garden, so i went to get it,she was coming in from her car, and the little girl had a balloon.i felt fucking awful. Not saying she can't be a t risk if her mum buys her balloons, just made me really sad

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 02/09/2012 22:39

Don't worry they won't go in all guns blazing. Nspcc wouldn't contact SS if they didn't think they should. Poor you though I can imagine how you feel.

bitgoldbutstillbewildered · 02/09/2012 22:43

Such a hard decision for you to make. Of course we all hope that everything is ok in that house, but what if it's not? I still think you've done the right thing.

porcamiseria · 02/09/2012 22:46

alien

its tough situation, but I think its always best to err on the side of caution

I think you did the right thing, and can just imagine how balloon made you feel

missymoomoomee · 02/09/2012 23:30

You have really done the right thing, you have spoken to someone who is trained in these things and they will do what they think is appropriate. Well done.

FrankieHeck · 03/09/2012 20:47

alien you did the right thing: you had a concern and you raised it. it must feel hard but try and trust the NSPCC's view/advice.

Noqontrol · 03/09/2012 21:22

You've done the right thing.

BellaOfTheBalls · 03/09/2012 21:28

Hypothetically speaking AFAIK if you did ring social services you would need to give your details, and dates & times of the incidences. If you were to ring anonymously it would be recorded but not investigated.

Agree with advice about offering help. This could be my life right now; demanding 4yo and a very high maintenance 13mo. Fairly certain my neighbours are probably writing similar things about me some days.

DoMeDon · 03/09/2012 21:33

Bella- I rang NSPCC anonymously about a family where I used to live- they passed it onto SS who investigated. The family had been investigated before though so maybe that had an impact.

OP- You did the right thing. Swearing and smacking may not be illegal but could constitute emotional abuse.

knackeredmother · 03/09/2012 21:34

Excellent post Bochead. Calling ss won't result in support just stress and psychological damage all round.

knackeredmother · 03/09/2012 21:38

I don't smack my kids but have done a hell of a lot of shouting this past week at my 4 year old who is being soooo naughty. The whole street can hear as much of it is done in the garden. I'm very sad to see opinions on here that this warrants a call to ss.

BellaOfTheBalls · 03/09/2012 21:45

DoMeDon yes wasn't sure what was case if through a third party. That was just something I was told about during a safeguarding course but IIRC there was something mentioned about multiple reports.

DoMeDon · 03/09/2012 21:54

Knackered - do you think there is no use for SS then if they only bring stress/psychological damage? There are bound to be times they get it wrong, SS are people and we all make mistakes, BUT they do a hell of a lot of good with the limited resources they have.

It does sound like you're having a hard time but there's lots of parenting support out there. Having said that, there's shouting and SHOUTING, continual, abusive shouting, swearing, demeaning shouting. If a parent is doing that kind of shouting they ARE emotionally abusing their DC.

speckledpig · 03/09/2012 22:00

It really saddens me when I hear mothers yelling swear words at their kids and seeing them being smacked in public but I agree with bobble. I do not swear at my kids or in public but I have sworn and shouted and ranted out loud when I have been at home after a stressful day with the kids and I am sure other people have heard and thought how disgraceful!
I have smacked my first DD twice on the hand (I would not do it in public) when she has been very naughty. I think not knowing the circumstances, it is very difficult to judge. If it continues and you hear this everyday and think she is beating her dd or clearly not coping then yes, she may need help but you need to gather some evidence first or it could turn sour if SS find nothing wrong and she finds out you told them.
I would talk to your HV rather than ss or it could get more difficult for you if she ever found out it was you.

littlemisssunny · 03/09/2012 22:27

I think the fact that the NSPCC are contacting ss speaks volumes!

It is better to air your concerns and it turn out to be nothing, than you do nothing and it turns serious.

Even if ss advise her not to swear it is going to make a difference (hopefully) to that child.

elizaregina · 03/09/2012 22:41

"Other people never shout at their kids, and sometimes those people are far more dangerous, because they parent in such a way that makes them look perfect on the surface, but they are mennacing and controlling underneath and the public at large never see it, yet the children can still be subjected to emotional abuse."

This is very very true there are lots of diff types of abuse out there - the cold controlled nurse ratchet type can be just as abusive as the wild violent physcopath.

I think op has made it clear it wasnt a one off shout - but more background and regular issues that have cropped up.....

It would be nice if there was some other agency less full on than social services who could gently go and investtigae and chat to her etc - then see whether it does need passing on....

ss does have a repuation!

elizaregina · 03/09/2012 22:44

wannabe

"a parent at school admitted that the only way in which her child responded to discipline was by her washing his mouth out with soap, and that he was going to have it done to him that night. Moreover, he had gone round the house and hidden all the bars of soap so they had laughed and used shower gell instead"

I find this so chilling, much more so than this lady shouting at child, this is cold and premeditated - they also laugh at the extent of the childs fear - trying to hide the soap. I find that really chilling and shocking. What kind of person would chat about this and laugh at this - watching thier child desperatly trying to avert this awful punishment?

GothAnneGeddes · 03/09/2012 23:11

O.P really glad you called NSPCC. As someone said above, it is about being a voice for the child and that it what is needed to protect children from harm.

nailak · 03/09/2012 23:24

if it was me i would tell the family support worker at the childrens centre and have done in the past.

they have helped when social services have been useless, not answering calls not phoning back (to a woman who had concerns about her kids due to situation and was in process of leaving abusive husband) they looke din the fridge and said you have food so we not giving you money when the husband was arrested, she had no income, no bank account, no benefits for weeks as she had no paperwork (the H had hid it).

speckledpig · 04/09/2012 07:37

I can asure you there is so much domestic abuse that goes unnoticed and parents hide it purposely. My parents were professionals. Everyone thought we were the perfect respectable family. They never shouted at us or told us off in public but we were being abused at home. The emotional abuse was the worst, yet 'nice' people seem to get away with it a whole lot too often because they hide it well and people don't see what they do on the outside.
I often see parents swearing around their kids and doing things I wouldn't dream of doing around mine but I have to take a step back before judgement because of our 'family secret' we grew up with.

Original poster

alienreflux · 04/09/2012 09:27

i didn't want ss, i thought nspcc were different,but turns out if they're that concerned they pass it on to ss. i didn't give any details about myself. i have not done this lightly, believe me. i also have shouted at my kids (well 5 yr old anyway) and i smacked his arse the other day when he said the f word in a total tantrum. so i am far from perfect. but she has been shouting at this little girl since about 6 months old??!! wtf? that cannot be right?! and it's soooo regular now, i fear it's escalating.maybe i've got it wrong,but if i have, she has a bit of hassle, they don't take kids for nothing, whatever people say, and if i haven't then thank god.feel shit about the whole situation, but am glad i acted.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 09:32

We all have moments of being crap parents. Shouting regularly from 6mo is not a moment. It may turn out to be nothing but it sounds like something to many of us OP. You absolutely did the right thing.

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