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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to expect ex to have son on a weekday?

131 replies

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 18:32

Myself and my ex have a 6 month old son and are struggling to agree to where, when and how much contact.

Long story short, I suggested he has him overnight fri one week then Thurs the next as well as some evening contact. He has said yes to overnight but not on a thurs as ..... he works!

I have pointed out that it is only one night every 2 weeks and that I will be a full time student, getting two children ready and dropped off at school and nursery before college but in his words "Its not the same as work and you don't have to drive".

Ok he has a 40 min journey to work but so do countless others with children. I feel really frustrated, it would be fantastic to have a decent nights sleep once in a while and I think he is being pathetic. AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:33

Probably on the basis that every other parent manages it!

He works 8am to 5pm Mon - Fri. That means he only has to look after baby from roughly 6pm, put him to bed and then get him up and dressed in the morning and drop him off either with me or at nursery on his way to work.

How is that unmanageable?

OP posts:
PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 22:36

"How ridiculous to suggest that he couldn't manage one morning per fortnight. "

On what basis do you make that claim?

I'll base that claim on the fact I, and many, many working parents, manage to do that every morning without fail. Not just once a fortnight. Every fecking day. What makes this bloke so speshul that he gets the choice to opt out?

Disappearing · 30/08/2012 22:37

I haven't read the whole thread...

I find it sad that he's trying to have less contact, not more, and that he doesn't want week nights, your ex sounds like a bit of a loser really (sorry I'm being blunt, he's definitely not being very responsible!).

If it was me in your situation, I'd just keep baby with me as much as possible, definitely make sure you remain the main carer as much as possible, if custody battle ever goes to court then these things matter, but then I'm selfish! FWIW I was raised by a single mum, had no contact with my dad, so that's probably shaping my opinion somewhat.

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 22:37

x-d posted with you there panda. sorry!

omfgkillmenow · 30/08/2012 22:41

I tried it with exp as i worked a sleepover shift wed night and fri night as a carer. He couldn't do it, my DD was late every single Thursday by half an hour or more, fridays obviously were fine as no school. I ended up changing jobs. If he says he cant do it, believe him in that he actually can't do it....presuming he needs his job and helps pay for baby. yes makes us mad because we HAVE to do it, but they are useless...

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 22:42

PandaSpaniel, I may not agree with you on everything, but you have come across to me as a loving parent who is seeking the best.

(I'm sorry if I have upset you at all, but you did choose to post on the AIBU thread and as such, I chose to respond as I have)

Maybe it's time for bed

Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:43

dissappearing Yes it is sad. I am heartbroken. Its a horrible situation to be in, as one part of me wants to say "This is your son, man up and get a grip" but the sensible part of me knows it wont make a difference and I just have to be there for my son no matter how immature his dad is. I know I can't force the issue as the last thing I want is for his dad to resent him. I really hope that he will grow up and realise what he is missing out on.

There is no way he would ever get contact, unlike him I would fight tooth and nail for my children, they are everything to me. Thats why I just don't understand how he can sit back and pick and choose days and times depending on his social life.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:45

Sorry custody not contact

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:48

complex Thank You, its fine, we can't all share the same views or life would be very boring. I will take the loving parent part and not worry about our difference in views if thats ok.

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bucketbetty · 30/08/2012 22:48

Hi Op. I really feel for you. I honestly wouldn't force it. You may just need to accept your ex won't be the man you hope for. I spent a long time battling with my ex into having a relationship with his child but it was wasted energy. Life is so much easier now I ve accepted he doesn't want to spend time with his child and actually my child is fine despite it. Good luck op.

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 22:48

"Maybe it's time for bed"

For me that is... different time zone

maddening · 30/08/2012 22:53

erm before my redundancy at christmas I was doing all the night wakings (frequent) ajd a 45 min commute which turned in to an hour as I was dropping ds off at nursery - didn't fall asleep at the wheel once Hmm

yanbu op - he should do a weekday - and full time study is the same as full time work imo. And did I read that right - your ex suggested he had ds for 2 hours ( the 2 hours you also get to spend with him in the week) and then pass him back for you to do the bathing, bedtime and deal with in the night and mornings and taking to nursery so he can play with him each night - and the the weekend days too - he really needs to be a little less selfish - wonder why he's single!

MNHQ
OlympiaMumsnet · 30/08/2012 22:56

Hello
Oh look a link to our talk guidelines
Many thanks for your cooperation folks.

Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:57

Think its my bed time too.

I just needed to get some perspective on this ghostship. Its not about me being right or wrong. I obviously think I am right, I am always right, even when I know I am wrong. Joke!

It can be hard to know if you are being unreasonable when you are in the thick of it and it does help to battle it out on here. I feel a bit more resigned to accepting that he just can't be the man I want him to be when it comes to my wee son.

I hope I can get something down on paper with regards to access soon, even if it means my ex can pick and choose. Best to be graceful in defeat in this instance.

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CoolaSchmoola · 30/08/2012 22:58

YANBU :)

I have a 40 minute commute, I do all the night wakings and most of the parenting as my DH is away a lot - and I'm still able to function! Albeit some days better than others, but that's being a parent for you.

I can't believe that people think that a commute is a reason for someone not to look after their OWN child. If that is the case then could someone please send me a spare person to look after my DD as I have a commute too!

maddening · 30/08/2012 22:58

erm before my redundancy at christmas I was doing all the night wakings (frequent) ajd a 45 min commute which turned in to an hour as I was dropping ds off at nursery - didn't fall asleep at the wheel once Hmm

yanbu op - he should do a weekday - and full time study is the same as full time work imo. And did I read that right - your ex suggested he had ds for 2 hours ( the 2 hours you also get to spend with him in the week) and then pass him back for you to do the bathing, bedtime and deal with in the night and mornings and taking to nursery so he can play with him each night - and the the weekend days too - he really needs to be a little less selfish - wonder why he's single!

Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 23:06

maddening Yes he wants his two hours of play time with lil one followed by me doing the bath, bed and night times.

He doesn't see college as work, he thinks I will be spending my free time watching Jeremy Kyle and not studying or cooking or cleaning, or taking DS1 swimming or looking after baby etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 23:08

coola If you find a spare person, will you send one my way please.

Right really am off to bed now.

Night night people

xx

OP posts:
youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 30/08/2012 23:10

OP.... some unbelievable responses! Incredibly rude and full of assumptions!!!!
YANBU!!!!
You are trying to do your absolute best with a six month old baby...
My DS2 (now 16 months) has had overnights with his dad from 4 months old... Lots of breast pumping!! :)
At 6 months he would only have gone for one night at a time once a week, he now goes every other weekend Friday night to Sunday evening and every other Thursday night til Friday night, occasionally til 8.30am Saturday when EXP drops him back to me before he goes to work. His father works alternate Friday/Saturdays.
We have tried to do weeknights but DS2 is still a bit young with the disruption in his routine to go out and come back again. That will be what we work towards... I would be quite happy to let EXP take him and drop him off to me before work on weekdays but that hasn't happened yet....
When we are on good terms :) he pops over to see DS2 for an hour or so... I see this ending naturally as DS2 gets older and is able to go more during the week.
I think what you are suggesting to EXP is extremely fair and reasonable.
Good luck!

MummytoKatie · 31/08/2012 14:54

Op - your ex isn't getting off scot-free - believe me he will pay for this choice.

My h is basically a pretty decent available dad. When dd was about 7 months she started teething and started waking up up to 10 times a night every night. I did all the night wakings. At the time I hated h for it.

Dd is now two. And she seems to remember. Whenever she is tired or ill or hungry or grumpy she only wants me. We take it in turns to put her to bed at night but every night she wants it to be my turn. (even though all I do is a story - h does videos on his phone, photos and a story.)

The point is that I have forgiven my h for not getting up with dd in the night. But dd hasn't. Dh has paid and paid for being a bit rubbish in the night.

We are now ttc a second and h has already said at he wants to take a few months unpaid leave when the baby is born.

FreudianSlipper · 31/08/2012 16:08

Of course yanbu

But sadly on here time and time again single mothers are turned on for asking for too much when all you are asking is for more support (not even equal) in bring up yours and his child/children. You will also get those who say well I managed it so should you. What we should all be asking is how did it get to this when a man can be allowed to get away with so little responsibility

I hope you get the support you should get from him for his child. My ex will give no more than 1 day a week and a night every other weekend I have given up not only do i deserve more support bit as deserves so much more from his dad. Good luck and well done studying with 2 children i struggle with one

Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 08/09/2012 22:56

freudianSlipper Thank You. Sorry you are in a similar position as me.

I am going to mediation to try and work something out but I have decided that if he doesn't want overnight stays at all then that is fine.

My lil one is well loved by me and will always have a strong bond with me. My older DS is a mummies boy despite his dad stepping up and having regular contact for the past 3 years. Like mummytokatie said, he will pay for his choice.

I have heard DS1 say He loves his dad lots but not as much as mummy. Even at the tender age of 7 he knows that mummies love is unconditional and he prefers me. Hardly surprising as his dad wasn't there when he was a baby or toddler, children are smart and they know more than what we think.

Hoping DS2's dad realises he needs to be there before its too late.

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ShavingPrimateRyan · 08/09/2012 23:52

OP if your ex lives two streets away why don't you drop your little one round. Maybe the grandma he lives with wouldn't mind looking after him for half hour until your ex gets back? Might be worth trying to compromise this way? Good luck with sorting it out though and I can't believe some of the responses on here! Keep going with college it will be worth it in the end. Smile

ShavingPrimateRyan · 08/09/2012 23:53

Ps sorry for poor grammar, no kids tonight and a few Wine !

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 09/09/2012 00:03

What a load of BOLLOCKS that he can't have decent contact on a weeknight when he works a standard 8-5 job. My ex comes round mine to see our 19mo toddler after work twice a week, on a Tuesday and Thursday. He plays with him, he kicks a ball around the garden with him, he changes his nappies, he does everything but cook his dinner. He baths him, gets him ready for bed, and stays until he is settled into bed. He stays until our older DS, who is almost 9yo, goes to bed at 9pm. Then he goes back to his, on two buses, with a 30 minute changeover in town. He gets back to his at roughly 10.45-11pm. He gets up for work the next day at 5.30am, as he starts work at 7pm.

The OP's ex is being bloody useless IMO.

I would stick to the offered contact. If he wants to see his DS, he will take the contact offered.