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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect ex to have son on a weekday?

131 replies

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 18:32

Myself and my ex have a 6 month old son and are struggling to agree to where, when and how much contact.

Long story short, I suggested he has him overnight fri one week then Thurs the next as well as some evening contact. He has said yes to overnight but not on a thurs as ..... he works!

I have pointed out that it is only one night every 2 weeks and that I will be a full time student, getting two children ready and dropped off at school and nursery before college but in his words "Its not the same as work and you don't have to drive".

Ok he has a 40 min journey to work but so do countless others with children. I feel really frustrated, it would be fantastic to have a decent nights sleep once in a while and I think he is being pathetic. AIBU??

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 30/08/2012 20:46

What does the OPs other child have to do with it?

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:46

My commute is 45 minutes. Do i win a prize?

BlackberryIce · 30/08/2012 20:48

I feel sorry for the baby. Dragged off out to dads house when he should be in the middle of his bedtime routine!

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:49

...and blackberry - Wtf? His gf? Why on earth wouldn't a grown man be able to fit childcare around work?

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:50

Blackberry - are you from the fifties?

Portofino · 30/08/2012 20:56

My commute via school is at least one hour - more a lot of the time. And a baby is a lot easier to get ready in the morning than a truckulent 8 yo.

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2012 21:02

Hey, my commute is 40 minutes too.
(I always thought that was not bad, is that considered a terribly harsh commute then? Might need to milk this situation some more at home )

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 21:02

What does the OPs other child have to do with it?

Words fail me.

travailtotravel · 30/08/2012 21:09

I don't think it is fair really - you can't pick and choose what is convenient when you have a child. I think he's being let off too easily here. Working does not preclude him from managing a famlily during the week - OP is expected to cope with that, why can't he - and shouldn't exclude him from weekend 'good stuff' either.

He should be able to juggle. whether he will or not is the issue.

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2012 21:11

Other child has different father, I assumed?

Rachog · 30/08/2012 21:12

Yanbu and I can't believe some.of the.replies! Perspective said perfectly what I think.

missymoomoomee · 30/08/2012 21:17

Of course he should be able to, of course its not fair for OP to have to do it when he gets off scot free and picks and chooses, but the fact remains that she can't FORCE him to take his son at a time he doesn't want him. Frankly if he can't cope I would be glad DS wasn't staying there anyway.

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 21:19

Complex, I'm guessing that the OP's older child isn't her ex's. Or maybe she knows he won't take both kids, and is trying to get him to take a small part of the responsibility that she deals with every single day with a young baby who doesn't sleep well, meaning she's knackered, while looking after 2 kids/studying/running her home etc. It's once a fortnight. Is that really so difficult for the poor diddums to endure? Her ex might well be working, but that's not 24/7 is it? I certainly don't finish work expecting to kick back and surf the net/watch TV when I get home with my DD. Until she's tucked up in bed, I parent. You know, what interested, involved parents do with their kids even if they have spent 9-5 working with a 40 minute commute.

Seriously. This thread must have ripped through a time warp or something. I cannot believe there are people who actually believe this bloke should have the right to say no, I won't have my own child one mid week over night every 2 weeks 'cos it's just too much for him.

AmberLeaf · 30/08/2012 21:34

Words fail me

Why?

It read as though the older child isn't his as the OP calls him 'my son'

Ive just noticed that the OPs EX lives with his Grandma too who does everything for him.....boo hoo poor thing musn't let him get stressed eh.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 21:48

blackberry He DRIVES to work, I have a 40 min WALK to drop off my children and get to college. I know what I would rather be doing in the middle of winter!!!

And yes my older son has a different dad who despite a rocky start, has DS1 every saturday day without fail and alternate saturday nights and all day Sunday. He is also asking me if he can have him every Friday night and sees him lots in the school holidays.

The only reason he doesn't generally see DS1 during the week is that he doesn't drive so it would be impractical as he doesn't live within walking distance. He is happy to have my son overnight during the holidays, whether he is working or not, despite his partner having a one year old and a new born.

OP posts:

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 21:52

Oh and my ex doesn't have a girlfriend as far as I know. Why would this make a difference???

I get maintenance for my lil one. Is that wrong? We go off what the CSA says he should pay, why is this relevant though?

How does maintenance affect whether or not he can see his son on a weekday?

OP posts:

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 21:58

Thank god for the more reasonable amongst you. I was really starting to worry that I too had slipped back into the 50's.

Well glad I am NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. However the sad fact remains that my sons dad does basically get to pick and choose because I can't and wouldn't want to force contact.

I am just hoping that whatever agreement is reached, he sticks to it and doesn't find it all too much to deal with once the novelty wears off. I think he likes the idea of being a dad, but like I say, only at weekends and even then not on a Saturday night.

OP posts:

GhostShip · 30/08/2012 22:00

Oh so really you just wanted acknowledgement that you were doing right, and anyone disagreeing belongs in the 1950's

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 22:05

Go one then ghostship - justify why a parent is right to opt in or out of parenting just 'cos it's a bit stressful to be, you know, a parent. I'm all ears. As is the OP. I really want to understand why this father is being reasonable in objecting to the OP's suggestion.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:07

blackberry My baby is back for 8 pm. He gets dragged barely two streets away. I hardly think this is a hardship for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:08

ghostship what perspective just said.

OP posts:

HiHowAreYou · 30/08/2012 22:16

You are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. How ridiculous to suggest that he couldn't manage one morning per fortnight.

GhostShip · 30/08/2012 22:22

I'm not on about the argument, what I'm talking about is people who post in AIBU when they know damn well what answer they want to get and then aren't happy at anyone who disagrees.

Original poster

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 22:22

Thank you Hihowareyou My point exactly.

OP posts:

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 22:28

"How ridiculous to suggest that he couldn't manage one morning per fortnight. "

On what basis do you make that claim?

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