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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect ex to have son on a weekday?

131 replies

PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 18:32

Myself and my ex have a 6 month old son and are struggling to agree to where, when and how much contact.

Long story short, I suggested he has him overnight fri one week then Thurs the next as well as some evening contact. He has said yes to overnight but not on a thurs as ..... he works!

I have pointed out that it is only one night every 2 weeks and that I will be a full time student, getting two children ready and dropped off at school and nursery before college but in his words "Its not the same as work and you don't have to drive".

Ok he has a 40 min journey to work but so do countless others with children. I feel really frustrated, it would be fantastic to have a decent nights sleep once in a while and I think he is being pathetic. AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 19:47

Has anyone got ideas of what a good contact arrangement should be? Any experiences? I do want to get it sorted ASAP

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 30/08/2012 19:49

With a baby contact is advised 'little and often'

Have you not just had a long break from 'college'?

Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 19:50

littleplasticpeople

Grin Grin Grin

I am just imagining his face ha ha. Think I might just do that!!!!

Not really, I would miss DS far too much, but yes it would make him see how easy he has it!

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 19:52

On maternity at the mo, college starts next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandaSpaniel · 30/08/2012 19:56

blackberry I am happy for him to see DS alternate week nights, as well as him seeing him over the weekend.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/08/2012 20:00

I wasn't berating Hmm

But however great a choice it might be to go to college with a view to being able to get a better career and wage in the future, it's still a choice. It's certainly not something that everyone could afford to do, I know I couldn't no matter how much i would love to. Some people have to work, because there is no other way of them being able to afford to live. If the ex has to work, it's not really fair for someone who doesn't have to work to dictate when he should work. But then if they both have to work, then they should both pay for childcare.

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 20:01

Sheesh, I think I've read it all now. It's too much for the poor lamb to have to spend time with his own child mid week, because he works 9-5, mon-fri, and really can we honestly expect him to get himself and his child up, ready and to childcare the next morning, simply because he works? Unbelievable that the OP is getting a hard time for expecting her ex to do exactly what she does every day with their child. Is this one of those double standard threads, you know, single mother expected to just get on with it, no excuses, but single father has the freedom to choose not to just be a parent because it's too much for him.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 30/08/2012 20:11

Well said PerspectiveUrgently

StuntGirl · 30/08/2012 20:11

I don't think YABU at all OP. I hope you can get something sorted you both agree on.

DisabilEightiesChick · 30/08/2012 20:13

Does no-one realise that the ex isn't saying he has to work in the evening? He's not being asked to miss an evening of work. He's saying he can't get up in the morning and get his son ready then also go to work - i.e, what lots of us do as normal every day - so no overnight stays when he has to go to work the next morning. What?

OP, can't believe people have been so easy on your ex here. If you can do it every day, he can surely do it one day in a fortnight! Perspective above is totally right - he is picking and choosing what parenting he does, and posters are excusing it by saying 'oh well, if it's stressful for him...' Hmm

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:19

YANBU

Why should he just get the fun bit of childcare? Easy times at the weekend and expect you to do the rest?

If he can do it, then it is perfectly reasonable to expect him to do one night mid week and one at the weekend. He just doesnt want to.

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:23

Wow, just scanned the rest of the thread... Some of you are so deluded! Why on earth should a father not take responsibility for his child??

Oh, because he's a man and has to work.that's right.... Ugh.

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:25

Oh the thing about driving is such bollocks worra..

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 20:31

What do you do with your other child?

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 30/08/2012 20:31

Cumberdick, really, driving after getting up with your own child, getting you both dressed, fed and out the door is such a hazzard don't you know. Really, there should be a big safety campaign based on the real danger of being a normal working parent for those of a delicate nature who struggle with such tasks. The stress is just awful. I've only done that every fecking morning myself for the past 6 years, and my nerves are just shot to pieces with the stress. I think it's time we all made a stand on this important issue.

Portofino · 30/08/2012 20:32

I am truly shocked at some of the replies on this thread! YABU Op, he needs to get his fucking act together. Many mothers would be posting that NO WAY would the ex get a baby overnight at that age. Poor diddums can't manage to do a nursery drop off and get to work... Well I managed that perfectly well for years.

Downandoutnumbered · 30/08/2012 20:35

YANBU at all, and some people are very peculiar. Why does he get to choose exactly which bits of parenting he'd like to do while OP has to pick up all the slack and gets no choice at all? If he's going to have one weekday disturbed night every fortnight while she has the other 9, I think he can damn well have one on a day that's convenient for her. Sheesh. Then some bloke starts a thread wondering why men aren't often treated as equal parents...

BlackberryIce · 30/08/2012 20:36

No, we realise the 'work' thing..... But he works a 40 min commute away. So my point was he finishes at 5 and has a 40 minute ( traffic permitting) drive back..... Is it in the babies best interests to be picked up at this time? I also asked about bedtimes, op says ' baby has to be on bed quite early' what time?

It has to be in the child's best interests, no?

Downandoutnumbered · 30/08/2012 20:38

Blackberry, and your point is? This is his child. He has equal responsibility for him. If the OP worked 9-5 and had a 40-minute commute, she'd have to work out how the childcare pick-ups and drop-offs were going to work for her and she wouldn't get a lot of sympathy on here if she turned up saying she couldn't do it because it was all too stressful and difficult.

AmberLeaf · 30/08/2012 20:38

Oh poor diddums...poor little manny wanny.

He may get stressed FFS

Littleplasticpeople · 30/08/2012 20:39

Thank goodness for the sensible people arriving on this thread, I thought I was in some sort of 1920's parallel world where it was unthinkable for a father to have to participate in childcare.

complexnumber · 30/08/2012 20:44

I think the OP has made it quite clear that the father wants to be part of his child's upbringing. The 'stalemate' seems to be when.

I am still intrigued as to what happens to the OP's other child.

BlackberryIce · 30/08/2012 20:44

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BlackberryIce · 30/08/2012 20:45

complex me too!

CumberdickBendybatch · 30/08/2012 20:46

Perspective - i know, Its shocking. How on earth i cope with leaving the house at 6:45 in the morning to drop DS at childcare, i dont know. Fuck knows how i actually did that when he was still waking 3 times a night.... Oh yes. Its because i has to.

But yes, men are fragile and couldnt possibly manage Hmm

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