This was an unneccessarily bitchy comment?

[HGAFC]

I've name changed for this as have a sneaking suspicion SIL may be a MNer.

I'm completely prepared to be told that IABU and being far too sensitive and precious however, the more I think about this, the more it's niggling at me.

On Sunday we went to PILs for lunch and whilst there, discussion turned to mine and DPs wedding next year. DP made a comment that we might hire a hog roast rather than do a buffet at an overpriced hotel for the evening reception. At this point MIL burst into absolute gales of laughter before turning to her sister and saying 'Oh my goodness, how funny! Weren't we just saying? Weren't we JUST SAYING that you two would probably just go to a registry office and then hire a burger van?'

We must have both looked pretty at this point because she tried to rectify it by adding 'Oh, it's just we didn't think you'd have a big, posh wedding like SIL...'

No, we won't. Because both she and the aunty paid entirely for SIL's wedding, a sum that SIL has on many an occasion, informed me cost over £20,000. I'm not complaining, it's entirely up to them to spend the money on her and not on DP. However, because we already live together in a rented house with all the bills that entails, are saving for a deposit and have a DS, we have nowhere near that kind of money.

This level of rudeness on her part is, I'm sure, contributing to DP turning his nose up at every budget suggestion I make for our wedding, he's obviously trying to compete with his sister.

So, was it just me? Or was she incredibly rude and should I, in hindsight, have come out with the MN classic 'Did you mean for that to sound so rude?'?

In response to someone upthread saying the hog roast is insensitive to the veggies, I'm a veggie and they don't bother me, (as long as they're responsibly farmed) but as a kid I'd have been and probably even a little

Hog roasts rule! Much better than a set course that's always underwhelming.

Burger van idea sounds actually really good. I know you can hire ice cream vans for weddings.

I'm totally at a whole pig, and I'm not even vegi.

The best weddings I've ever been to are simple, informal and unpretentious, my favourite was a friends barbeque in her parents garden (after church ceremony), with all the neighbours in the village invited along with family and friends, everybody felt comfortable and welcome, nobody dressed up to much if at all, it was very easygoing and fun. She's from a very rich family and could easily have afforded to waste the price of a few houses on one day but what's the point? That just stresses out the guests who can't afford to dress up to standard or buy an expensive present. Which would have included half the neighbours and some friends.

Second favourite was a lovely beach wedding in Australia, a simple barbeque and beers. No fuss, just a lovely day to remember.

I don't believe in marriage but if I were ever to change my mind, I'd elope somewhere nice and have a big party at my parents house on our return.

There isn't anything impressive in spending more money than somebody else, the most important factor is how much your guests enjoy themselves and the great memories you have of your wedding day. How much or how little money you spend is irrelevant.

Don't worry about your mils comment, she's probably mortified because she said something which came out the wrong way and sounded horribly offensive when that wasn't her intention. Most of us have done that. She's human.

Be proud of your wedding day and enjoy it, make it fun.

Just to clarify, MIL isn't some kind of monster who abuses DP and always favours DSIL, I think they're very traditional bride's-family-pays-for-the-wedding types and just didn't anticipate their DS meeting anyone who thought any differently.

Oh and yes, piggies are farmed responsibly and organically, the people that own the hog roast company also own a pig farm and grow veg so everything on the plate is local and free range

Might ask them to remove the head though so they don't upset the LOs on the day.

But then they'll have to look down the neck hole

Oh don't remove the head! Friends of mine host a hog roast once a year - I've been to 2 and the kids' favourite part is always when they get to paint the piggy's trotters with nail polish! Doesn't seem to freak them out at all, even dd1 who has followed me into vegetarianism. We don't eat the meat but a cracking day nonetheless.

That's hysterical, citylover!

It might be a good opportunity to chat to any kids who might be a bit about free range farming and all that. Not one to be preachy, but I wish I'd been educated in that way and given options when I was younger instead of being so horrified by intensive farming practices that I've limited my food options for my whole life.

we had our wedding reception in a barn and it was fabulous - go for a hog roast if that's what you want.

no way to tell if your MIL was being bitchy - people say all the time that they can't imagine me having a 'normal' posh hotel wedding and i take that as a compliment

we took my nephew to a triathlon where they had hogroast when he was about 5. he kept disappearing and we'd find him watching the pig. i'm not entirely sure what was going on in his head but he didn't seem traumatised, just really really intrigued.

I bloody hate traditional weddings, all that standing around, bloody beef or salmon etc etc. a hog roast sounds brilliant though, I might actually go to one of them, instead of using my usual can't get child care excuse!

kids painting poor piggys trotters

[faints]

I had a low-budget, hog roast wedding that came over as quite flash. Everybody loved it. I've also been to a high-budget wedding in a castle with bangers 'n' mash; everybody loved that one too.

Strangely enough, I can't remember any of the innumerable identi-weddings with people sitting at white tablecloths, getting drunk on painful wine while trying not to be rude about the weirdly glossy, lukewarm food!

Our hog roast people also did a lovely buffet with a salmon and some veg-friendly things. They brought mountains of fresh, crusty bread. There was more than enough food, they provided a small staff (3 people, I think) and we didn't have "tables", just loads of garden furniture that people could arrange at whim. We had a marquee in a borrowed garden. My mum made the cake. I did have rose petals! Just - you know, rose petals, pulled off some roses the night before :)

Another thing we considered was booking out a pub that does barbecues. It worked out that we could entertain more people our way (we drove to France to buy the drinks) but I still think it's a good idea for an intimate type of wedding.

Remember you're supposed to be having fun! There will be stacks of people telling you what you should do, it's in the rules Develop a blank stare.

Good for you, HGAFC. I think it was probably one of those daft comments rather than intended as an insult. Nowt wrong with a register office followed by a burger van, and a good deal less stressful than a big sit down do. The only problem with a burger van is that the Foodistas are now saying they're so trendy they're passe.

my cousin had a hog roast at her wedding last year, it was lovely! i have had them before, and when i was little my uncle who had a farm would have them on his small holding, they would just have big parties for all the family and they would have a lamb or a pig that would be roasted whole, so i saw them as a child and wasnt at all freaked out by it. but hten i bottlefed my own lamb until one day he wasnt there anymore and it turned out i had eaten him for dinner i wasnt remotely bothered and the butcher had kept his hide (skin/fur) and it was treated etc and i had it as a rug on my bedroom floor for years!

anyway op i am sure your wedding will be lovely, dont let them get to you xxx

The most poshest do I've ever been to (and prob ever will go to) had a hog roast!

don't let your ILs influence your choices as their idea of posh just sounds DULL DULL DULL!

Agree with lots of you. Posh do's are often an approximation of posh. Food not quite good as it should be.

Yanbu. Hog roasts are soo tasty.

I'm obviously in a minority, in that I've enjoyed the food (and wine!) at most of the weddings I've attended.

I'm going to go completely against the tide here and suggest that she didn't necessarily mean to be rude, nor was it necessarily a rude comment.

It's exactly the kind of thing my own mum would say to me because she knows I don't do fancy and conventional, and would rather pull out my own teeth than spend £20k on one fucking day! If your DMIL is, as you've described, a lovely woman who doesn't usually say things that are rude and intended to offend, then it sounds to me that she was probably expressing that sort of sentiment... that she'd said something to her sister like 'oh I bet they don't go for the whole big posh white wedding; they like things a bit different, and anyway they've been saving like mad for a house...I bet it'll be a registry office job and then hire a burger van for all their friends!' etc.

If it's out of character for her to be rude and insensitive, why assume that she was being so? Have the confidence to have exactly the day (and budget) that you want.

Oh and I think a hog roast is an absolutely fantastic idea!

hog roast sounds kind of great - i've never been to one and would be a bit worried as i don't eat pigs (or cows. but i have no compunction - whatever that is - about eating other animals). but it sounds like fun. your wedding should be the way you want it.
i thought at first your mil was being very rude and dismissive - but i'm not sure now. perhaps she really does understand what you'd enjoy, and was relishing it, rather than mocking it.
have a brilliant day, anyway. if you'd rather pack sandwiches and take everyone hang-gliding, go for it. your wedding. enjoy.

Haven't they offered to give yo any money for the wedding? Sounds very unfair.

I would go he whole hog (geddit?!) and fish n' chips too!

Sounds bloody lovely!