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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This was an unneccessarily bitchy comment?

139 replies

HGAFC · 30/08/2012 09:41

I've name changed for this as have a sneaking suspicion SIL may be a MNer.

I'm completely prepared to be told that IABU and being far too sensitive and precious however, the more I think about this, the more it's niggling at me.

On Sunday we went to PILs for lunch and whilst there, discussion turned to mine and DPs wedding next year. DP made a comment that we might hire a hog roast rather than do a buffet at an overpriced hotel for the evening reception. At this point MIL burst into absolute gales of laughter before turning to her sister and saying 'Oh my goodness, how funny! Weren't we just saying? Weren't we JUST SAYING that you two would probably just go to a registry office and then hire a burger van?'

We must have both looked pretty Hmm at this point because she tried to rectify it by adding 'Oh, it's just we didn't think you'd have a big, posh wedding like SIL...'

No, we won't. Because both she and the aunty paid entirely for SIL's wedding, a sum that SIL has on many an occasion, informed me cost over £20,000. I'm not complaining, it's entirely up to them to spend the money on her and not on DP. However, because we already live together in a rented house with all the bills that entails, are saving for a deposit and have a DS, we have nowhere near that kind of money.

This level of rudeness on her part is, I'm sure, contributing to DP turning his nose up at every budget suggestion I make for our wedding, he's obviously trying to compete with his sister.

So, was it just me? Or was she incredibly rude and should I, in hindsight, have come out with the MN classic 'Did you mean for that to sound so rude?'?

OP posts:
baskingseals · 30/08/2012 10:18

i had a buffet type meal.
other people in my family had full sit down dinner.

to some people's chagrin, it is not the sit down dinner wedding that has gone down in family history

thebeesnees79 · 30/08/2012 10:18

oh my god how rude, I can't believe they said it out loud to you!
yanbu

ViviPru · 30/08/2012 10:18

her rudeness is a little bit of guilt at the cost of her wedding, and the worry that guests might prefer yours. Rudeness usually comes from insecurity

What a fantastic, insightful point.

Original poster
HGAFC · 30/08/2012 10:18

I would LOVE a hog roast. It's been one of the few things I've managed to talk DP into. He would much rather a sit down, four course meal at the local country club like his DSis had.

I'm categorically do NOT want to be a princess for a day. I don't want everyone staring at me at some flower festooned top table, I don't want a three hour photoshoot of soft focus snaps of DP and I stood on some random staircase.

I think, the thing is, I want to be a wife, not a bride. Yes, a nice party will be lovely (especially as we're having it at christmas) but what happens afterward is more important to me.

OP posts:
CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:20

Naff wedding things.
Wedding buffets.
Post wedding discos. Especially when the DJ announces the buffet is open.
The shitty dry cake that you pay loads for and no one eats.
The whole hen and stag thing.
The pouffy dresses.
The inevitable pre during and post wedding arguments that no one will JUST LET GO!
Having to invite people you hate cos its faaaaamily innit?
Sorry to be shitty. I'm sure all the marrieds on this post loved their day, and I'm really pleased for you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 30/08/2012 10:20

YANBU. Bloody rude of them.

Can I come to your wedding? I'd love a hog roast over a buffet any day!

CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:21

Hooray for HGAFC! Exactly what a wedding is for, non?

StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2012 10:22

Can I just request on behalf of vegetarians everywhere that you do a vegi option (sure you will). I've been to a few of these hog roasts where hog and bun are the only things available.

PooPooOnMars · 30/08/2012 10:22

The chip van sounds fantastic!

Baking. What sort of food was on your buffet?

ArtexMonkey · 30/08/2012 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HGAFC · 30/08/2012 10:25

Stealth the company provide bean burgers and... some other veggie option I can't remember off the top of my head. All sides are also veggie friendly. You'd be safe to attend lol.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2012 10:25

As someone else has said the comment really does depend on context and your existing relationship. Both mum and mil said they knew I would go for a 'plain' dress over a frilly one and they were right. So it could have been her slightly tactless way of saying you're down to earth or don't like a fuss? Or she could have been being a huge bitch! :o don't agree with them paying for their daughters and not their sons tho.

StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2012 10:26

:) even just sides would have been lovely - salad and nice bread. But no, hog and/or bun :o sounds like yours will be very nice

Yourefired · 30/08/2012 10:27

Hga, I sympathise. Ignore silly comments. I had the big wedding, mainly due to wish fulfilment on my DM's part. String quartets, ott flowers, ridiculous dress etc. it was crap. I'm sure everyone else enjoyed poncing it up to some extent, but me and DH wanted a private cristian ceremony followed by a party. Hope you and your DP find a way forward you both want. Don't be like me, I still cringe at the wedding photos of me with princess Anne hair topped off with a tiara.

Spuddybean · 30/08/2012 10:28

i think some people genuinely see opting for a small wedding as a personal choice rather than a financial one. And often it is. DP and i would not have a big wedding out of choice BUT i know many who would have loved to and just didn't have the disposable cash. So that kind of comment sounds more like they think you can afford it but are just the type who don't fancy it - it is still rude tho.

Also a hog roast is quite posh. I have been to 2 expensive weddings which had them. However, just a heads up, there was just not enough food. People were really hungry after. You queued for ages then were portioned 1 or 2 slices of pork each then just had salads and bread to fill up on. I am not sure if the couples tried to stretch it too far or if this is what was suggested by the company doing it - but i would check portions first :)

EnglishGirlApproximately · 30/08/2012 10:29

The last wedding I went to had a formal meal for the very small wedding party then bacon butties instead of a buffet at the reception. It went down a storm. It was in a posh hotel but the bride and groom wanted a relaxed evening and ordered food they knew people would like. I think a hog roast sounds brilliant.

The only people you need to please are you and your dp - everyone else is a guest, they will be happy with whatever you do.

Original poster
HGAFC · 30/08/2012 10:30

Hadn't thought of that spuddy I'll certainly be checking, especially as plenty of guests are enormous rugby playing types with ridiculous appetites.

OP posts:
marshmallowpies · 30/08/2012 10:32

I looked into hog roasts for our wedding...and they ain't cheap! (especially if you add salads, veggie food, etc, which I would have done as I'm veggie).

Bet it would be popular with your guests though, DH would have loved a hog roast but we had a Feb wedding in the end so it was the wrong season really. Maybe we'll have one for his 40th.

HoratiaWinwood · 30/08/2012 10:32

My mother is gluten-intolerant and veggie. Um, apple sauce on a spoon?

Dietary requirements are tricky with a hog roast. It's one area where good hotels with sit-down meals have the advantage.

helpyourself · 30/08/2012 10:33

Shock I think they're confused.

Hog roasts are much posher than crappy hotel food.

MIL is similar, often trips herself up when passing on gems from SIL- who is not her daughter, and who she often moans about so goodness knows what she says about me...

Gems such as 'I was saying how nice it is my DILs get on and she said oh no we're very different help is such a country mouse' and 'SILs eating her words now DN is doing the same incredibly main stream you'd struggle to bitch about activity as my DS'

I tell her not to make trouble, or 'why are you telling me this?'

Hammy02 · 30/08/2012 10:34

I had a small wedding but could have dipped into savings and spent £20k but the thought of taking so much out of our house deposit was just ridiculous to me. I think it is bonkers when people spend so much money when it would be better spent elsewhere. Fair enough if you've tens of thousands knocking about that you don't really need but otherwise it is just daft. IMO.

BarredfromhavingStella · 30/08/2012 10:35

They should get a pig sized for the number of guests, we had loads of pork left over ( was a bit like xmas after-pork curry, pork casserole etc lol) the company we used also provided several different lush salads.

Liketochat1 · 30/08/2012 10:35

That was rude and thoughtless indeed. Why won't she be giving the same money for both her children's weddings? I don't get it.
As an aside, I hope this doesn't sound rude and thoughtless, but is just something you might prefer to know- as a veggie I really dislike it when people have hog roasts. I can't escape the smell whatever I do. And it looks so real- it's like a horror movie to me. I imagine other veggie guests you have may feel the same. It's just more upsetting than a burger van for some reason.

ViviPru · 30/08/2012 10:36

My mother is gluten-intolerant and veggie. Um, apple sauce on a spoon?

Dietary requirements are tricky with a hog roast. It's one area where good hotels with sit-down meals have the advantage.

My MiL is newly diagnosed coeliac and we've loads of veggies and a vegan. That's why we decided to have a BBQ with lots of options and loads of chunky salads.

Hog roasts are much posher than crappy hotel food.

YY to this. I worked all through school and college in banqueting at the most exclusive wedding hotel in my locale. The food was a joke.

CocktailsAndFriedChicken · 30/08/2012 10:37

Ok the MIL was exceptionally rude.

But it is also a bit rude, as an earlier poster has done, to state that having a big wedding makes someone a bridezilla.