to think adults who write Christmas present lists are a bit odd?

[NellyBluth]

This came up because a friend has just asked me to tell her what I would like for Christmas, so she can plan what she is buying (I made a face...)

Now this friend is very generous and she gives Christmas and birthday presents to loads of people herself. But every year she makes a list of things she would like and then distributes it to the friends and family who normally buy her presents - books, DVDs, particular items of clothing or handbags. She is in her earlies 30s. In the past she I have known her to be annoyed when a present isn't one off the list. Now I know its not weird to ask for presents from a particular person, but I thought most people just asked for something specific from their DH or their parents, not sent a list for the ILs to chose from.

To me personally this smacks of being quite materialistic and not appreciating any gift given as just that - a gift. Yes, sometimes you get presents that are a bit strange or that you won't use, but the thought was still there from the gift giver. I actually don't think you should just expect a present from anyone, really, at Christmas, and handing out a list says that you do expect a gift. Twice every year my friend and I have this conversation, her surprised that I haven't thought months in advance what I'd like for Christmas or a birthday, me surprised that anyone would know what they want that far in advance.

But this year I have discovered AIBU, so I can get an answer to something that has been bugging me for years... is she BU to write a present list, or AIBU to think this is materialistic?

I just have an amazon wishlist.

I agree with you. It does sound materialistic and a bit rude. But given that your friend is quite generous herself, your friend sounds like she sees present giving an an organised and pragmatic way rather than the emotional way you (and I) see it.

I do, however, write a list as a memory aid for myself, because when people ask me what I want for Christmas, my mind goes all blank.

YANBU. That sounds irritating. Is she always so obsessed with planning? It's rather controlling of her I reckon.

Am assuming this is a minor niggle in an otherwise fabulous friendship

My mum asks for a list from myself and my brother and our children but I would never give one out to friends! Infact I do t tend to swap Christ,as presents with friends as we all decided to it was too expensive and so now it's just family!

+1 for a wishlist.

DW asks me what I want for any present time - or she used to. Now I just stick stuff (From £2 to £100) on there and she can get whatever she likes. Sh'e much harder to buy for.

If I spot something, I can end up buying it in February.

I'm a bloke. I don't do other presents than parents/kids/wife. Siblings get good wises.

I do this with DH and vice versa but otherwise I wouldn't dream of it.

DH and I do it because we go without a lot of things all year and really look forward to a specific treat at Christmas so I drop heavy hints like "That's the perfume I was on about" or "that's the cookbook I wouldn't mind getting if Santa is listening"

As for the rest of the family, I wouldn't ever do that as I like to have a surprise and it's the thought that counts anyway.

It's odd, I have an amazon wish list full of baby stuff that I tell people about if they ask, only my family, I'd never say to friends oh have a look at my amazon wish list.

I'd expect a box of chocs at the most from friends.

Yes, oov, it is a minor niggle in an otherwise fabulous friendship! She is very lovely and generous, its not something that 'annoys' me, but for years I've thought it a bit odd and so I decided to throw my niggle to the wolves... (And yes, she is obsessed with planning in general)

I do get people asking what you'd like for a present, its a nice thought and some years there genuinely are things you'd like and haven't been able to treat yourself to. And a list in your mind is fine - my mind goes blank too when asked!

Dh and all my in-laws do this. I find it very odd....

I must admit to getting slightly annoyed when I am asked what I want, I tell the person, and then they don't get it because they think it's too boring (or something). Never got my dream laundry basket because of this ....

My Ils do this and I find it so much easier. You know that you are giving something that is wanted. Whereas my family just give gifts, I find it really stressful to think of things to buy for people and one of my brothers just buys tat every year.

Not sure I would do it with my friends though. Hmm, on the fence here.

Eleanor What a strange mixture of grabby and thrifty

I have one for dh otherwise I would end up with school of rock on DVD and cosmetics I'm allergic to or some electrical item

We have told bil and sil not to bother as the gifts they buy always end up as raffle prices. I'm not ungrateful we just don't have the space for things we won't use. This year we are also asking for a joint present for all the dc as we don't have space for loads of individual items.

Friends do not and never should get lists but I think its fine for family as it just makes things easier for everyone. If your friend likes a list and the items on her list don't cost a fortune then YABU she's making life easier for everyone, or perhaps I'm a bit bahhumbug.

Within our family we do have lists just to avoid crap prezzies give us pointers ! My mum used to have them on her fridge & we'd ring up & consult to avoid duplication & I held Mums list for my siblings.

A prezzie other than in the list was always much appreciated but it did save much brainaching to at least have a head-up on what they wanted.

We used to start in about October & weren't allowed to buy anything for ourselves "put it on the list"!

But YANBU to think it odd for outside immediate family.

I don't do a list as such because there's nothing I need and nothing I want. Something that can be used up eg perfume or wine........ or whisky ...... would always be welcome but I don't welcome plants for indoors or the garden because they always usually die.

I prefer to buy my own clothes and accessories. I don't want chocolates because I am trying to stay on 10st 7lb yes, I know that wine adds ounces.

I thought gift lists were just for weddings unless a parent drummed up a list for a child when someone asked what he/she would like to have for Christmas or birthday.

Around Christmas and birthday I often do an Amazon wishlist. Family always ask me for ideas and this is one such way of doing it. I don't expect gifts in any way at all, but I find it easier to do it this way than asking directly for specific items. Also on the amazon wishlists things don't have to be bought from Amazon - it's just ideas for people who ask.

I do one for DD too for the same reasons.

As people get older they acquire more stuff, their tastes usually narrow and their interests become more fixed, so there's an increasing chance of random gifts being completely useless to them. Arguably the habit of buying useless stuff for one another, just because convention says one should, is the epitome of consumerism, its only purpose being to keep the wheels of production turning.

Gift lists can be wonderfully useful because you know you're getting something the person wants. I don't always think far ahead and I know close family are relieved when I am able to say exactly what I want. It's easier for them and better for me - no more scarves in the wrong colour, clothing I'll never wear or hardback books I wasn't interested in reading. Of course some people are great at understanding what others might want or finding truly novel, interesting things - the joy of great gift giving. Others find it hard.

The amazon wish list is great because it's there but not pushed on anyone.

Expecting gifts from people who might not have chosen to give you one is another issue.

I make a list for my DH & then if my mum / siblings or his family ask what to get me, he tells them something from it. This means I get something I want & they're not wasting their money - I don't think I'm being materialistic & am always grateful whatever they get but I do hate it when they have bought me something that then goes straight to the charity shop as I just think that's a waste of their money!

I'd never do this with friends, but then again, none of my friends buy each other now (all a bit too old for that) or if we do, it's alcohol or chocolate .

I simply think your friend sounds super-organised & personally don't think there's anything wrong or odd about that, just different.

My whole family do Amazon wishlists which does make life easier. Particularly for one of my brothers who is impossible to buy for. Everyone just checks each others wishlist a Christmas or on Birthdays.

I did ask one of my close friends to do a wishlist as she is into photography which I know nothing about. I would love to buy her a person to assist with the hobby she is passionate about but it isn't possible without the wishlist as I wouldn't have a clue what to get.

This way she still gets a surprise but it is something she will definitely like and can use.

I also ask people early, we are on a low income and spread the cost to make things work financially.

God, we always have a Christmas list! Start asking in october :) Have done this for the past 30 years!

So much easier knowing you are buying what someone wants! Only do it with family thou, not friends.

I guess I'm thinking that a gift list shouldn't be handed out in advance? Most people probably have ideas in their head of 'ooh, I really like that scarf' and then if someone asks specifically what they would like as a present they could offer it as a suggestion. Sending a list out (ok, she probably gets it to the ILs via her DH, I hope she doesn't post it to people!!) has always struck me as a bit grabby. Along with asking people for the receipt to return a requested item if it wasn't the colour wanted...

My lovely MiL asks for a list each year, she is very generous and will get one thing off the list, maybe 2 and then some other things.

It makes her life so much easier as she has to do all the buying for her children, their spouses and all the grandchildren, not to mention her brothers, sisters her in laws and all their children. My FiL will buy a present for her, always lovely, but he doesn't help with anything else other than lighting the fire and buying and opening the wine.

I am happy with a list as it means I get something I would like and can use rather than some thing I have to take back to the shop as its the wrong size (she doesn't check sizes unless we have specifically written it down) her son is 6ft and slightly overweight and she normally buys him a medium :)

We do wish lists for my family (but only if they ask) and they do lists for us- we usually buy each other books or cds so don't want to duplicate. But surprises are always welcome too!

Why don't you just agree to buy yourselves something and cut out the middle man?

It's a present!. Something that somebody else chose for you, wrapped up and gave to you. Sometimes wonderful- sometimes crap. That's what it's about.