to think adults who write Christmas present lists are a bit odd?

[NellyBluth]

This came up because a friend has just asked me to tell her what I would like for Christmas, so she can plan what she is buying (I made a face...)

Now this friend is very generous and she gives Christmas and birthday presents to loads of people herself. But every year she makes a list of things she would like and then distributes it to the friends and family who normally buy her presents - books, DVDs, particular items of clothing or handbags. She is in her earlies 30s. In the past she I have known her to be annoyed when a present isn't one off the list. Now I know its not weird to ask for presents from a particular person, but I thought most people just asked for something specific from their DH or their parents, not sent a list for the ILs to chose from.

To me personally this smacks of being quite materialistic and not appreciating any gift given as just that - a gift. Yes, sometimes you get presents that are a bit strange or that you won't use, but the thought was still there from the gift giver. I actually don't think you should just expect a present from anyone, really, at Christmas, and handing out a list says that you do expect a gift. Twice every year my friend and I have this conversation, her surprised that I haven't thought months in advance what I'd like for Christmas or a birthday, me surprised that anyone would know what they want that far in advance.

But this year I have discovered AIBU, so I can get an answer to something that has been bugging me for years... is she BU to write a present list, or AIBU to think this is materialistic?

Nelly
Im so glad to have come across this thread - I have a feeling that your friend maybe my SIL.

I get an email from her about 2 months before every birthday and Christmas (on her side) of stuff they want - links - the works.

I cannot find the words to tell her to stop. For her last "big" birthday she wanted a contribution to a VERY expensive present; I knew that what we'd contribute would be a drop in the ocean compared to the whole cost. It made me feel so mean.

For her ds's birthday she wanted a contribution to a very expensive musical instrument. At that point, I gave up and just gave ds a card with cash in for him to spend... I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

Any ideas as to how to tell people who like giving us lists to - err piss off desist??

blue, she doesn't have DCs yet so not your SIL but that sounds exactly like what she would do! I have NO idea how to stop it, other than just buying off list every birthday and Christmas until they get the hint!

million, she does like nice things. She grew up without many nice things and now makes sure that everything she buys is decent or branded, it seems a (un?)concious effort to distance herself from her childhood. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just occasionally means her behaviour can come across as a bit materialistic to other people.

Oh I'd love to write a list but noone buys for me any more only DD (sobs) :)

Well, the thing I dislike most about present-giving and really find very saddening and frustrating, is being given things I really don't want and will never use, especially when they're expensive. So, someone buys me a handmade scarf that I'm just not going to wear, I eBay it or take it to a charity shop, either way making £5-10. Wouldn't it be so much better if they'd just given their £30-50 to the charity in the first place? I just can't stand the waste.

What lottiegarbanzo said. Almost everyone in my family makes lists, whether they're 65 or 7. It makes far more sense, wastes less money, and makes more people happy. I like buying people things that will make them happy. I don't want to spend money on something they'll have to pretend they like.

YABU

I have to do this for dh or I end up with the most bizarre and random crap - like the year I asked for a specific (and cheap) perfume and ended up with a mens aftershave, or the time he thought buying me a cheese grater would be a good thing.

We've always had a price limit, and stick to it.

I think it's ridiculous!

I had a spoilt cow of a friend who made a Christmas list each year, and a birthday list, and demanded her husband made her a birthday itinerary of treats each year.

Well, tapir, a cheese grater is very useful...

Those of you who do lists for their family, would you also do that for friends, ILs you only see at Christmas etc? Just wondering. I just feel there is a big difference between your DP asking what you'd like, and up front telling people. Obviously if the whole family do it then that's different, and there's a lot to be said for buying something a person will definitely want, but if you are the only one writing a list, to me it just feels a bit... expecting.

I guess part of it is different expectations for birthdays etc. This particular friend always wants to go out for dinner with friends on her birthday, we went away for her 30th as well. I never do anything for my birthday, I'm not bothered. Presents are nice but I don't expect anything from anyone, not even DP, and if I ask for presents I actually ask for stuff I need for the house rather than something for me. Bless her, she keeps asking me what I'm planning for my birthday despite the fact that during the whole 20 years we have been friends, I've only ever done stuff for my 18th and 30th!

I thought the same blueemerald

We sort of do lists. Generally we're quite good at getting each other presents, except my Dad who consistently buys awful presents he likes with no thought to what the recipient might like

I actually have a list on my pc of potential gifts to buy people. For example, dvd's or books they've mentioned, or when inspiration hits me and I think of something good. I am the queen of giving excellent presents though

I have to say I write very long lists, although only for family - don't exchange presents with friends.

Approaching 40 I can buy myself just about anything I want. So on the list goes stuff that I quite fancy but wouldn't ever get round to buying myself. Case in point - a new digital camera. Mine works fine, but is rather old, so I would like a new one but as I have one I wouldn't buy one for myself, so DW is getting that.

The list is deliberately lengthy so that my presents are not completely known to me when I get up on Christmas Day and see that he has been.

I love Christmas and wish more people would write lists. Parents and wife are constantly demanding to know what they should buy for each other.

Nelly I totally agree, cheese graters are very useful, but you can only use one at a time...

I've tried the whole 'list as inspiration' thing, but have found that I have to be specific about it, or end up with the most odd things.

I get told the catalogue page reference of what to buy by one family member.

I'm always taken aback.

I never think of what I might like, because for me, the joy in receiving a gift is its unexpectedness and the surprise factor.

I start receiving emails a couple of months before an event asking demanding to know what I'd like for said event. I can never think of anything so the emails get grumpier and grumpier - it just causes me stress and I enjoy the event much less :(

Much better to give a gift you know will be appreciated. IMO if there is a list and you choose not to use it then it could be construed as a bit big headed - that you know better than her what she needs/wants. Chances are it will be recycled to someone else before too long if she is anything like me!

I just think how little time we all have to go around shops or on line for ideas and inspiration when we all really have an idea of what we would like. Why not simplify life and have a list with prices varying from a fiver up and then there is no pressure on anyone to get something out of their price range.

I think the surprise factor is over-rated ChasedByBees, except perhaps in childhood or for those rare very special presents from a loved one. (I've had some sweet necklaces in special boxes from the DC's )

With more every occasion present exchange within families lists seem a pretty good idea to me ... I admit it my DBro converted me with his Amazon link for DNephew

If you direct people to your wish list when they ask what you'd like is fair enough, I suppose, but actually distributing lists to all and sundry is appallingly grabby.
What if some people are cutting back, and are then forced to explain that there will not be any gift forthcoming, whether from the list or otherwise?
I never anticipate presents from anyone, if I get one, great, if not I think no more about it.

I wish more people could be so easy-going about presents Floggingmolly

• I give my many nephews and nieces a present when I see them if I remember ... that'll have to do !

If you know what somebody is going to give you and they know what you aree going to give them, why not just each of you buy the things for yourselves and cut out the middle man?

Imagine the thread "I bought myself the book I told my sister I wanted, but she didn't buy herself the scarf she told me she wanted- she bought herself a more expensive one! AIBU to be pissed off? I could have bought myself the hardback edition not the paperback if I'd known she was going to spend that much on her present from me!"

I usually email a list to DH. He is always asks for one and then he usually buys a mixture of things on the list and things he's found.

I always write a list of things to buy people. I will be doing it soon so that I can start buying presents.

My inlaws do this and I find it weird (my siblings and their partners do a secret Santa so it's a single £25 gift to do my family).

This year we're not doing it. Lists get distributed late Oct and my baby is due in Nov so I want to be wrapped and sorted by then. I hope to continue opting out as it gives no option for budgeting (whereas I don't have to spend £25 on my family gift) and is totally without thought.

I'll see how it goes!

Floggingmolly, that's exactly it. It's grabby.

Cost wise I'm now a bit worried about this Christmas. She has offered by by something for my upcoming birthday that is reasonably expensive for us, hence why she asked what I wanted for Christmas as she wants to take the extra that she's spent on my birthday off what she will spend on my Christmas present. This is fine, but I know from past experience she will sort of expect me to spend the same (i.e. a little bit more) on her Christmas present... aargh, I can't afford it! I think I'll have to say that this more expensive birthday present can cover both.

TBF, this friend is very close and very old so we are almost like family. We have bought each other presents for two decades, she's the only friend I do buy presents for.

Not to just answer people I agree with (!), I really do see that lists can be a great idea. Its the handing out in advance which isn't, surely, or the handing of lists to people who don't reciprocate?

I have a friend who, not only makes a list of what he wants for Christmas, he also buys the stuff and gives them to family members to wrap and give back to him on Christmas day.

I find this so utterly bizarre I rarely tell people about it. It's not right tho.

I only buy presents for family now, and I ask them what they want, prefererably for an actual list. If it's a young child I would ask the parents. If they don't tell me then I give them money/vouchers instead.
I find it very stressful to have to worry about if they are going to really like what I have bought them, or if they are just pretending. I also hate wasting money on things.
When it comes to other people buying me presents[and it's only really my children that do this] I would prefer to be asked if there's anything that I want. I'm and adult and I don't need surprises.

My family are very listy and as long as I can remember, christmas and birthday lists have been requested, and distributed, a month or so before Christmas or the person's birthday.

I'm one of the most unimaginative people on the planet so having a list of what someone would like makes it much easier for me to get them something I know they'll be pleased with - although it does't stop me going off list if I spot something I do think they'll like.

DH has adopted the birthday/christmas list idea as it helps focus his mind in advance so that when his family ask him what he wants, he doesn't just shrug.

HOWEVER... I would not EVER distribute a list to friends!!! That smacks of "I expect a gift and here are the acceptable choices"!

So... she is NBU to write the list but she IBU to give it to friends unless they specifically ask for it.

YANBU. I wouldn't expect a wish list from friends; they're lucky to get fudge!

I do have relatives who ask for wish lists (my grandma for instance) and so I send them a list of a few items under £10 so they can pick something from there, but I wouldn't distribute wish lists to all and sundry and I'd be a bit non-plussed if someone gave me one without asking.

In my family we all write lists but they won't be that specific eg 'dvd of a musical' 'pyjamas' 'hoody' 'mac eyeshadow' but give the person buying a good idea of what to get. If you have several people to buy for it makes things a lot easier, and we all talk to eachother eg 'i've seen a nice handbag like x wanted so i'll get that' so no duplicate presents. It's also mine and dhs birthdays late dec so list is extra helpful. I would never go handing the list out though it's just for my mum, dad, sis, bro and dh to see.
I wish dhs family had the same system as I find it really hard to come up with presents for them.