to think adults who write Christmas present lists are a bit odd?

[NellyBluth]

This came up because a friend has just asked me to tell her what I would like for Christmas, so she can plan what she is buying (I made a face...)

Now this friend is very generous and she gives Christmas and birthday presents to loads of people herself. But every year she makes a list of things she would like and then distributes it to the friends and family who normally buy her presents - books, DVDs, particular items of clothing or handbags. She is in her earlies 30s. In the past she I have known her to be annoyed when a present isn't one off the list. Now I know its not weird to ask for presents from a particular person, but I thought most people just asked for something specific from their DH or their parents, not sent a list for the ILs to chose from.

To me personally this smacks of being quite materialistic and not appreciating any gift given as just that - a gift. Yes, sometimes you get presents that are a bit strange or that you won't use, but the thought was still there from the gift giver. I actually don't think you should just expect a present from anyone, really, at Christmas, and handing out a list says that you do expect a gift. Twice every year my friend and I have this conversation, her surprised that I haven't thought months in advance what I'd like for Christmas or a birthday, me surprised that anyone would know what they want that far in advance.

But this year I have discovered AIBU, so I can get an answer to something that has been bugging me for years... is she BU to write a present list, or AIBU to think this is materialistic?

List are one thing, expecting gifts from friends is another thing entirely.

Also, the few friends who I generally exchange gifts with are the people who know me well enough to choose well themselves. Some family members struggle.

I'm a big fan of the gift list and I do it for my birthday too Maybe it is materialistic but I would much rather have something I would appreciate than a token bit of tat that I would never use. I don't ask for expensive stuff and am a very generous gift giver myself. But I only give the list to people who ask me what I would like, like my DP or my best mate. I wouldn't distribute it to all and sundry

I also think it's a bit unfair to expect friends and family to rack their brains thinking of something to get you that you would like. Easier all round to give them a list with stuff at different prices so they have options and everybody's happy.

My ILs do this, so DH does too. I have come round to it for them as they have previously bought clothes that don't fit, books we already have, gadgets we don't use...

Now we each have epic Amazon wishlists that they just chose from. Works much better.

Mil and FIL do this - but only if we ask them if there is anything in particular they want. I was a bit surprised the first time when they arrived with a very specific list 20 mins later, although they did make it clear we were only to buy one thing off it.
I loathe adult presents at Christmas though. Over the years I have managed to get the whole gift swap with adults down to an absolute minimum.

I think that the problem lies with:

Does the "giver" of the gift WANT a list or not? If they do, and ask for one, then that's fine.

Its the assumption that a 'gift-will-be-given' attitude that REALLY gets my goat!

As I only get a gift from dh and dcs at Xmas, I usually tell them what I would like.
Just as they tell me what they would like.
I hate surprises.

I do not buy for any one else which solves a lot of problems

I think it's helpful. I only buy presents for close family and we usually ask each other what we'd like and it's handy to be emailed a list of stuff, the more specific the better, no point wasting money. Sometimes I'll see something and buy it and then i don't ask for a list. During the year if I think of something I'd like I'll write it down somewhere so I have something to suggest when asked, rather than "I don't know, I'll get back to you".

Giving it to friends would be a bit odd. Although mum has link to my amazon wishlist so I guess she could give it out
I have a wishlist because if I say anything non specific I don't get anything
She likes links, with a specified colour and size

If anyone is interested, I would like...

A year's supply of loo roll (Andrex, not the rough stuff)
Nice bath soap
Some seeds for herbs and tomatoes
SUbscription to The Week, Olive or BBC Good Food magazines...

Better than something I don't really like or use that I feel guilty about you spending your money on!

and an Oxfam goat.

Not materialistic to write a list but I wouldn't distribute it to anybody without them asking for it first. As a family we would all rather buy people things that they want so we all do a list so that everybody has some idea what to get. None of us expect everything off the list so whatever we get is a surprise but a pleasant one. If somebody doesn't want to do the list thing, that is OK too. Just saves the guessing and the hard work of thinking of something if you haven't a clue DH

I am in two minds whether 'it's the thought that counts' is really good enough if you end up with a really inappropriate gift. If you have thought about it properly, surely you would get something the other person wants and not make massive mistakes? Assuming you are not giving presents to relative strangers of course. I think sometimes people buy what they think is nice rather than putting themselves in the shoes of the receipient and really giving it some thought. That is what seems to have happen on the rare occasions I get a duff present anyway from my MIL. Not that I would say anything of course.

As for thinking in advance - a month is my limit. I wouldn't ask anybody what I wanted nor would I expect to be asked more than a month before the event. I know some people like to be organised but if you want something and Christmas/birthday is miles off you might just buy it yourself but you might hold off if present giving is imminent.

So YABU and YANBU in equal measure.

It's rather odd handing out a list without being asked. I tend to do a small-ish list of stuff at various prices for Dh. When his parents inevitably quiz him about what I might like, he can then suggest things off the list.

Ooh, a few magazine subscriptions are a great idea Frontpaw - I think I might make a list for myself for this Christmas with a some magazine suggestions prominently highlighted !

And I've an idea for another thread - ask people what they'd have on a Christmas list for themselves ? Do you think it would be too indecent to start such a thread tomorrow on 1st September ?!

I got DH a scientific american subscription this year (new scientist was just too expensive) - it makes him very happy indeed and I guess you could call it "a gift that keeps on giving" :o

Start the thread juggling start the thread! I'll be there!

YABU. DH & I do this. I don't want people to spend their money on stuff I neither want or need.

with my family we have always done this - saves duplication and waste. We still go "off list" though sometimes, which is always gratefully received.

We call them our "Letters to Santa"

Not for friends though, they get what I think they might like

DH's family do this, and take exchanging of presents very seriously. I find it quite odd, and don't see the point really. In my family we don't do presents for adults, which to me seems much more sensible.

I wouldn't know what to put on a list anyway. Honestly if there's something I want, and I know I want it, I would have already bought it (or be planning to buy it) for myself. Unless it's something ridiculously expensive, in which case I could hardly ask someone else to buy it for me either!

I do of course like it when DH gets me something nice or thoughtful as a surprise, but that's not really the same.

I'd like to wade into this discussion to say that I think lists are vile, vile, vile! Vile, I tell thee!! materialistic, inexcusable and pretty fucking sad.I've been on the receiving end of a few catalogue numbers, and it's made my blood boil.

Though a list might have stopped MIL persistently buying me items of size 6 clothing and handing it to (a really quite plump) me with a remarkably straight face.

I have no idea whether she genuinely hadn't noticed I'd got quite a lot fatter, or if it was a not-so-subtle way of telling me to lose some weight. Though I'm finally back down to an 8 this year so might have a hope of stuffing myself into whatever tiny garment she produces. If it's stretchy.

I do it for DH and DCs - most of it is on Amazon - I like books and it is pointless them getting me something that I have read. They often ignore it -DH in particular is good at present giving. They do the same.

I think it is odd and do not know any adults who do this.

I find lists odd full stop even for children, my children have never come to me with a list I things that people should buy them.

I don't do it in August!