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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think adults who write Christmas present lists are a bit odd?

109 replies

NellyBluth · 27/08/2012 09:53

This came up because a friend has just asked me to tell her what I would like for Christmas, so she can plan what she is buying (I made a Hmm face...)

Now this friend is very generous and she gives Christmas and birthday presents to loads of people herself. But every year she makes a list of things she would like and then distributes it to the friends and family who normally buy her presents - books, DVDs, particular items of clothing or handbags. She is in her earlies 30s. In the past she I have known her to be annoyed when a present isn't one off the list. Now I know its not weird to ask for presents from a particular person, but I thought most people just asked for something specific from their DH or their parents, not sent a list for the ILs to chose from.

To me personally this smacks of being quite materialistic and not appreciating any gift given as just that - a gift. Yes, sometimes you get presents that are a bit strange or that you won't use, but the thought was still there from the gift giver. I actually don't think you should just expect a present from anyone, really, at Christmas, and handing out a list says that you do expect a gift. Twice every year my friend and I have this conversation, her surprised that I haven't thought months in advance what I'd like for Christmas or a birthday, me surprised that anyone would know what they want that far in advance.

But this year I have discovered AIBU, so I can get an answer to something that has been bugging me for years... is she BU to write a present list, or AIBU to think this is materialistic?

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 27/08/2012 10:22

I send dh fake emails from the kids with links to the John Lewis website for ' stuff i want to get mummy for her birthday.' Otherwise he tries hard but gets it a bit wrong and seems crazy to let h spend time doing shopping, which he loathes, to waste money.

Original poster
NellyBluth · 27/08/2012 10:25

Yes, seeker! What if you've spotted something random you think they might like? It takes all the joy out of it. Some years its easier because I don't know what to get her, other years its annoying because I wanted to surprise her with something.

OP posts:
ByTheWay1 · 27/08/2012 10:32

My family mostly live 700 miles away on a remote Scottish Island , so we have postage issues - and they have NO mainstream shops easily available - thank goodness for National Book tokens and Amazon vouchers... DH family do lists.... Hubby knows to buy me something I would not expect as I love a surprise pressie....

fuzzpig · 27/08/2012 10:33

I keep amazon wishlists all year round, but they are for me (and present ideas for others).

I only get presents from DH/DCs and I wouldn't ask him for specific things, I have tried it in the past with DH but then I found I preferred a surprise. My parents hate choosing presents for anyone so they just give us money.

It's very rude indeed to turn your nose up at getting something you didn't actually ask for. Even if you give people a wishlist, it's a 'wish' list, not a 'give me this or else' list!

SuzysZoo · 27/08/2012 10:35

Since I have been about 20 I have not expected a present from anyone, not family friends or children. I give presents to children but not adults. Don't see the point. If we need something we can buy it. I take wine/chocs to someone's house if I am going, of course, but really I see no point in adults giving each other presents. I know I am Scrooge!

Trills · 27/08/2012 10:38

YABU If you are part of a family where adults all give each other presents then it makes sense to give a few hints.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 10:40

I find the whole present giving between adults odd. Huzzah, I have just managed to convince next door that it really is a PITA and it's not going to happen anymore!

PeggyCarter · 27/08/2012 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 27/08/2012 10:42

YANBU

She sounds very childish. I would be hard pressed to think of one thing I want never mind a list. She sounds very self absorbed.

JustSpiro · 27/08/2012 10:43

I have an Amazon list, and might jot down if I see something I fancy when out shopping, so I can remember to mention it if someone asks me.

Giving out lists to everyone is way OTT imho.

picnicbasketcase · 27/08/2012 10:48

I have an Amazon wishlist which people can buy things from, but I would be equally pleased with anything else as long as some thought went into it. I certainly wouldn't throw a sulky fit if I was given something I hadn't expressly asked for, how rude. The wishlist is more for me than anything, to remind me of things I'd like to buy myself when I think of them (if that makes sense)

caeleth · 27/08/2012 10:48

We do lists in my family and I have one friend I always swop lists with for christmas.

It's great! We always include stuff in different price ranges. No one has to use the list - if you find something they'd love that isn't on the list that's great. But if you havent found that perfect present you have the list as backup and you know you're giving something that will be appreciated!

I hate not knowing what to get people and end up getting some crap i've no idea if they'oll like. Always a priblem with the inlaws... dh sucks at presents and i dont know them well enough to know what they like/need. And we always get a bunch of decorative crap back - you know, the typical we-didn't-know-what-to-get-you-so-heres-something-generic.

blueemerald · 27/08/2012 10:51

Any mention of gift lists, and particularly going "off list" reminds me of

fuzzpig · 27/08/2012 10:52

DH and I also have our own 'entertainment budgets' - we don't have loads of disposable income, so we each set aside £20 a month to cover all frivolous things we want - DVDs, books, games etc. It's a good way for us to still get stuff we want, and sometimes we split the cost of something we both want. We can fulfil our wishlists so when it comes to Xmas/birthdays we can just do surprises.

PeggyCarter · 27/08/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears · 27/08/2012 10:55

op,can I make a guess that your friend is single.She sounds organised,has plenty of time on her hands,and dare I say it,not quite grown up.
In other cirsumstances,I expect she is quite lovely.
fwiw,I dont think she is materialistic,just maybe trying to have some control in her life.

CMOTDibbler · 27/08/2012 11:03

DH and I have Amazon wishlists, but we don't do friend presents. This way its a nice suprise as to what you get, not one of MILS special crap suprises. And after 17 years of being with dh, I still need it myself as he is very precise on what he wants

JugglingWithFiveRings · 27/08/2012 11:10

I was a bit Hmm when I got a little list (by email) from DBro last Christmas with a few suggestions for both him and his family ... and yes, I did think he's always been a bit more materialistic than me ...

But, actually I think it's quite a sensible idea with close family ... and could reduce the exchange of slightly unwanted gifts, and help people get something they'd actually enjoy. As long as the gift list isn't too grabby and ambitious ... just a few pointers of DVD's or books that would be acceptable, that sort of thing.

Actually I also think shops have a free ride at Christmas with lots of people buying random stuff and no-one taking any of it back even if it doesn't fit or falls apart ! Perhaps those days are coming to an end now, with the decline of High street shopping ...

When it was my DNeph's Bday my DBro actually sent us a link to the Amazon site for something his son wanted. Cheeky ? Or just helpful and efficient ? (There was a friendly exchange of emails first, starting with a list of things he might like)

waterlego6064 · 27/08/2012 11:25

My MIL likes lists. She always wants lists for the DCs and us and produces her own wish list. She gets a bit cats-bum mouth if people deviate from the list and the one year we did, she asked for the receipt.

SHe is lovely generally, just quite materialistic.

redexpat · 27/08/2012 11:43

Well great if your family are good at getting gifts. Great if you are a fantastic actress who can say 'oh an olive pipper - how lovely, thankyou, I was just saying the other day how much I'd like one'. Great if you have a house with loads of space to store the crap, or access to a car boot sale.

None of these apply to me. Plus I am usually pressured by ILs for a list in October. Actually in the back of my diary there is a page for Christmas present wishes, so when you think of something during the year you can write it down. It's not a page I have dedicated to this purpose, it is printed as such.

I don't mind people who are really good at giving gifts deviating from the list, but when I am given a raclette and paper napkins I really don't know how my ILs have seen it and thought of me.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 27/08/2012 11:55

I'm sure my DM gave me some biscuits one year ... she did grow up in war-time though Hmm

Original poster
NellyBluth · 27/08/2012 12:51

amillionyears - actually, no, she is married and has no spare time! She's just one of those slightly control freak super organised people (which is completely opposite to me, she could probably write an AIBU of her own about my lack of organisation... Smile)

I'm not saying that its wrong to give out a list if people ask you for one. And thinking about it I generally always ask what kids want, and get given a specific or a list then. I think it is the blanker 'here's my list' that has always bugged me. But it is probably just me out of all her friends and family who is slightly bugged by this!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/08/2012 12:56

Got that completely wrong then! Grin
Do you think she is materialistic in other ways?Or is it just her way of controling things.

ja9 · 27/08/2012 13:00

I have been completely won over to the side of 'give and ask for present suggestions'. I HATE wasted things... and would much rather give / receive a present that i know is going to be loved or used. That's not to say that if i have inspiration of my own re a gift i will go for it...but there are people who i struggle to buy gifts for every Christmas / birthday and on those occasions I'm more than happy for them or their spouse to give me 'suggestions'.

tabulahrasa · 27/08/2012 13:00

I do an Amazon list for DP because to be a bit rude and grabby, lol, he's rubbish at buying me presents.

He once thought a smartprice kingsize duvet cover would be a fantastic birthday present for me, even though our bed and duvet is a double. Hmm

Sometimes my sister says she's a bit stuck so I'll tell her it's there, but I wouldn't just hand it out.

Some people really really don't like surprises though - maybe it's more to do with that?